


Don't leave me (alone)

by Crazyheart



Category: SKAM (Norway), SKAM (TV)
Genre: Alt er Love, Alternate Universe - Even Bech Næsheim and Isak Valtersen Meet Differently, Alternate Universe - Magical Realism, Angst and Fluff and Smut, Anxiety, Bipolar Disorder, Depression, Developing, Even Bech Næsheim Loves Isak Valtersen, Falling In Love, Friendship, Heartbreak, Isak Valtersen Loves Even Bech Næsheim, Love Is Magic, M/M, Magic and Science, Mania, Mental Health Issues, Mutual Pining, Sex, Smut, Suicidal Thoughts, Versatile Even, Versatile Isak, Warning about suicidal thoughts and ideas, faith and science, learning
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-17
Updated: 2017-07-29
Packaged: 2018-11-15 08:39:51
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 106,674
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11227344
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Crazyheart/pseuds/Crazyheart
Summary: Isak (25) is home in Oslo after several years of studies in Trondheim, feeling lonely and lost. One cold evening in October he meets a tall, blonde guy filming outside Sagene Church. Isak and Even have some strange sensations when they meet, like they have known each other in another life.Slightly magical AU where Even never transferred to Hartvig Nissen, but Even and Isak meet as adults.





	1. 1. Come here

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first Skam fic! A Norwegian trying to write in English... it`s a little ridiculous, I know. But I had this image of Isak and Even meeting as adults, and I had to try. I hope some of you will give this newcomer a chance and check it out. I hope my love for Skam and all the characters shines through when I write. 
> 
> I will thank my lovely beta reader! I could never have done this without help. Thank you so much! 
> 
> I love constructive critisism, so let me know what you think!

_The first time Isak almost met Even, was when there was a party at the first year Emma`s house. Emma invited both Sonja and Even, and Isak and the boys, in addition to almost all the pupils at Hartvig Nissen school. Emma and Sonja were having a good time at the party. While the girls chatted, Even talked to Sana, the little sister of one of his former best buddies. Sana and Even became friends that night. Isak was at the party too, but he was pissed that he never managed to get beer for the party, and scared to meet Emma, so he spent most of the time smoking pot with his bros. He went home early, feeling a little lost and lonely. Even was glad he had gotten a friend in Sana, but felt bored and sad, and had a nagging feeling he had missed something. He stopped taking his meds that night._

 

## Isak: The Church

Isak hoists the heavy backpack higher on his shoulders, pulls the travel bag and steps off the aerobus.  _Fuck,_ he mutters to himself over the heavy luggage, relieved that he has sent the rest of his belongings by mail to his mother’s address.  _Oslo._  He enjoys the feeling of the cold air in his face and looks around, while the bus coughs up behind him and drives on.  _So, here I am again._

It's the middle of the day, and the October sun shines on the buildings around him. Here are the same streets and buildings as when he lived here as a kid. Of course, he has been back several times, visiting his parents at Christmas and in the summer, but it still feels different this time, now that he is back for good. It must be about six years since he finished at Hartvig Nissen and moved to Trondheim.

His phone pings, and he picks it up.

 

SANASOL

Sana: Hi, Isak. You're back in Oslo?

Isak: Yeah, I am. Freaks me out a bit, but it`s ok. You good?

Sana: Same old, you know.

Isak: Hope you and your man are fine?

Sana: Oh, we're good. He does the cooking, and I earn the money.

Isak: You go gurl.

Sana: Yeah. Hope to see you soon. I have to run. @work.

Isak: TTYL Sanasol  

Sana: Later, Isabell

 

Isak discovers that he has an unopened message from his mom.

 

MAMMA.

 

Mamma: _You shall not make for yourself an idol, whether in the form of anything that is in heaven above, or that is on the earth beneath, or that is in the water under the earth. You shall not worship them or serve them… (Exodus 20:4)_

 

A sinking feeling coils in his gut. _A Bible verse again_. Isak decides to ignore it; he can't respond to that right now. He stands for a moment on the pavement, shifting the weight from one leg to the other. _So, back in Oslo_. Isak doesn’t know what he feels. He can’t exactly say he’s happy to be back. He grew up here, but he doesn’t know if he belongs here anymore.

_Fuck, why did I come back?_

Well, he  _has_ missed Oslo, after all, and his friends, he must admit that. Sana is a good friend, and Jonas was as close as a brother once. Sadly, they aren’t that close anymore. Isak shuts his eyes for a moment, and tries not to think about it. The sun shines on him and warms his neck, but the air is cold, promising that the winter will come soon. His T–shirt, hoodie and pants are still clammy under his jacket, from the flight. Isak starts to move, even if he doesn’t know where to go. It has been a nightmare trying to find an apartment in Oslo. He has finally found one, has signed a contract and paid the deposit a week ago, but just got a message earlier today that he couldn’t move in yet. The landlord said something about a misunderstanding and the previous person still living there. Isak doesn’t know what to do. He knows he has the rights on his side, but there isn’t much he can do today.  He can't stay with his mother, since she has a small nursing apartment, and he just doesn't want to bother his father. So, hotel it is. And he can try to fix everything in the morning.

He walks with long, quiet steps. There's no reason to be quick, and he can decide which hotel to sleep in later. He stares at the pavement in front of him. Things are a bit shitty at the moment, he has to admit. Right now, he has no place to stay, no boyfriend, no job. Well, that isn’t exactly true; he has a possibility to work as a biology teacher at Hartvig Nissen, but he's not particularly tempted. 

Most people his age have jobs, houses and cars, and some even start to have kids. Whereas he has almost everything he owns in the backpack and suitcase. The thought gives him an uneasy feeling in his gut. It hadn’t been his intention to come home like  _this_. He was going to come back with a good education, safe job and a bright future ahead of him. He had been close, too; he had studied at the university, and did well. But he never found a job that he wanted. On top of that, he hadn’t quite managed to make friends in Trondheim. He had made a couple of acquaintances, and had enjoyed some hookups, but still ended up spending most of his time home alone. It was like his whole life was on hold,  _waiting for something_.

Isak stops. He has been walking without seeing where he is going, and has ended up in front of Sagene Church, of all places. Wow, he must have been totally lost in his thoughts. He stares at the building and notices a strange feeling in his belly. The last time he was here must have been back when he was in second grade at Nissen, but he still remembers it quite vividly. It had been a Christmas concert with Nils Bech, which was not his type of music, really, but it still made him _feel_ things. He was there thanks to his dad, who had blackmailed him to come with him and his mom, so he would pay Isak’s rent. Things had been pretty awkward between them back then. But the reason that he still remembers that concert wasn't the awkward hugs with his parents, or the polite small talk between them. 

Isak stares at the church, remembering. He recalls the strange, melancholy music; it was like Nils Bech was singing to  _him_ , making him feel things he didn’t know he could feel. He had especially felt this during that Christmas song “O Helga Natt”.  _– And the ray of hope passes through the world –_ His bright voice had stabbed him right in his chest.  _–_ _and the light is shimmering over land and sea –_  At one point it was almost like the music took him somewhere else.  _–_ _People, fall to your knees, and happily honor your freedom –_ Actually, it was like he was splitting in two, like he was in two places at the same time.  One version of him was sitting, breathing heavily with tears in his eyes, next to his parents, while the other version was rushing out of the church, running to find and save a loved one. It lasted just for a moment, but it was a bizarre feeling. O holy night, indeed.  

He remembers one more thing from that concert. He remembers a ridiculously hot guy, lean and blonde, with bright eyes and a swoopy James Dean hair, sitting next to him. Making him flushed and breathless. Isak doesn't quite know how he can remember this guy so well after seven years, but he does. It was like one of those times when you meet some stranger, when you sit or stand next to someone on the bus or in a queue, and you feel that invisible connection, that “what if this is the one” feeling, and you start to fantasize about what would happen if you took the initiative, or said something. Isak had allowed himself to imagine the two of them getting to know each other, leaning in on each other, whispering secrets in each other’s ears, flirting, becoming friends, and maybe… maybe something more? He knew he should try to say something. 

Isak never did, though. He just sat there, full of fruitless emotions and dreams, letting the music wash over him, and stealing secret glances at the boy next to him. Feeling the burn from his body. The guy had looked just as lost in the music as Isak had felt. His eyes glittered and shone in the lights from the candles, and his lips were parted in a small smile. Isak had never felt such a sudden urge to kiss someone, or lose himself in someone, before.

Isak remembers that he just couldn’t keep his eyes from him. He tried to rest his eyes on the musicians or the decorations, but they were drawn back to that guy, again and again. To be honest, he wanted to drown in those shining eyes, bury his hands in that soft hair, and taste those plush lips. His mind was all about want. When the other’s ice blue eyes finally met Isak`s, it was like the guy saw right into him. Isak`s face burned, his heart started to beat crazily fast, and he looked down at his hands, terrified that the other one saw through him, saw what he wanted. Then he noticed that the guy had a notebook and pencil in his lap, with some dark and slightly funny drawings and notes. The guy followed his glance, and raised his eyebrows.

Isak smiled. – Cool drawings.

The guy looked at him. – You like them?

His voice was dark, Isak remembers.

– Yeah, he said.

The guy wrote something in the book and showed it to him:

_Do you take the reference?_

Isak stared at him. The stranger smiled back at him and raised his eyebrows. The bright smile alone made Isak lose his breath, and it was like he couldn't think.  _Reference?_  He had only looked confused at the guy, and felt a little self–conscious, worried that he still was teary eyed.

The guy wrote fast on his notebook again, looking eager and a bit intense. He looked at Isak with raised eyebrows and showed him the notebook: 

_The cross, the roses and the candles –_

_ROMEO+JULIET, by BAZ LUHRMANN –_

_You should check it out._

Shit, what was it? A poem? Isak had read the words and squinted his eyes. No, it was something about a movie. Aha. This guy was a movie nerd, apparently, with a taste for romantics and drama. Isak smiled a half smile. And that was when he should have whispered something to the guy. Something about the music, maybe, or a joke, just something to keep the conversation going. He wanted to. But he didn’t. He just blushed, smiled a little to the stranger, and nodded. Then he looked back at the decoration in the church, the big cross with flowers, the candles, and the quartet dressed in blue. 

Something kept him from looking back at the guy, maybe it was because of the strange feelings the flowers and candles gave him, maybe because he was embarrassed of his own emotions, or maybe it was just because he didn’t know what to say. The stranger never left his awareness, though. He sensed the warmth from his whole body next to him during the whole concert, and he felt his knees bumping into his the whole time. Actually, it was impossible to avoid, the other guy spread his ridiculously long legs so wide the whole time.

When the concert was over and they stood up, it had been like someone had turned off a hot oven next to him. Then he had noticed that the blonde stranger had someone with him. Next to him stood a grown woman with eyes that shone just like his, and Isak concluded that she had to be his mother. There also was a beautiful girl with short blonde hair, who clung to the boy`s arm and kissed him. 

 _Girlfriend_. 

Of course. He should have known. Isak still remembers the horrible cold, sinking feeling in his stomach.  _Of course_  he had a girlfriend. And why did he even care? He didn’t even know the guy, and he would never have gotten the courage to talk to him, anyway. Isak stole a last glance at the stunning boy, who was lost in a kiss with his girl, and turned away. He walked out of the church with his parents, feeling a bit dizzy and short of breath. 

Outside, it was snowing. Isak used to love snow, but now he just felt cold. He chatted politely with his parents some minutes before he went home, and decided to forget that lean, long legged, blue eyed charmer. Still, that dizzy feeling stayed with him the whole evening. And Isak is sure  _that_  was the night he finally acknowledged that he had to stop hiding that he liked boys, and that he had to start living again.It took some time before he dared to come out for real, but at least he started to think that he wanted to.

Isak wrinkles his eyebrows, walking towards the church entrance. That was ages ago, and now he is supposed to be a grown up.  _But is he, really?_  Isak has studied and worked for years, and still feels like an imposter. He feels like he is pretending to be a grown up; pretending to know what he is doing. This last year he had started to think that he could not bear one more year of feeling so inadequate and alone. He has no job, no real friends and no one to love. He feels like such a fake and a failure, it`s ridiculous. 

– Hey you, excuse me, can you stop there?

A dark, soft voice interrupts his thoughts.

– Huh?

Isak stops, and turns around. A tall, lean guy with a camera comes towards him, with a big, bright smile on his face. His hair is swoopy and messy, like he has been standing on his head or something. He raises his eyebrows, greeting him. – Halla. 

– Halla.

Isak feels like he has seen the guy before, but he can’t quite place him. In fact, he feels a bit embarrassed to be in the way, so he doesn’t dare to look too much at him.

– You see, I am filming, would you mind waiting a bit? 

The man’s voice is dark, and reminds Isak of something soft and warm, like honey. Usually Isak _would_ _have_ minded something like this, but he feels weirdly emotional today, so he doesn’t argue. – Uh, yeah, no, I don't mind. 

He steps out of the way, while the other guy works on his camera. The guy looks focused, his dark blonde fluffy hair falling into his eyes. – You aren’t here for the funeral, I hope? I’ll be quick, I just want a shot before the sun gets too low.

 _Funeral?_ Isak hadn’t realized there was one. Now he sees the church door is open, and the stairs are decorated with flowers.

– No, I’m just taking a look at the church, he says, and the other guy looks up at him. 

When their eyes meet, Isak has to catch his breath. The man has intense blue eyes, and is rosy in his cheeks because of the cold. Isak feels his mouth drops open when he realizes that he _has_ seen this guy before. His heart starts beating faster. He would never forget those blue eyes and raised eyebrows, or those lips. This man is older, but he is still the same. It is the guy from that Christmas concert seven or eight years ago. 

_I was just thinking about him!_

For a moment, Isak almost wonders if the guy has materialized from his thoughts. _That’s ridiculous, of course._ It must just be a weird coincidence.

Isak can’t look away. He just can’t. It is like those blue eyes hold him, and look right into him. His face burns, his heart races, all kinds of feelings tumble in his belly. His hands feel heavy, like they long to touch the other guy, making sure he is real. Isak struggles to shut his mouth and not look like an idiot.

Luckily, the other man looks a bit confused too. 

– Uh, have I seen you before? he asks, with his intense eyes fixed at Isak`s face.

Isak comes with a strange sound that is a mix between a laugh and a hiccup. What can he answer to that? He can’t admit that he remembers this gorgeous, swoopy haired guy ( _and his girlfriend_ ) from a concert seven years ago? That would be  _really_  revealing.

The other guy is still looking at him, waiting for an answer.

– Isn’t that kind of a cliché? Isak finally manages, trying to present a crooked smile.

The guy laughs, still looking at him. – I guess so. But I really think I have seen you.

He says it like a truth, and not a question. Isak’s heart beats an extra beat, and he just can’t hold it in longer.

– I, uh, I think you are right, he says, finally. His cheeks burn. – We must have met. I’m not sure where.

 _That`s a lie._ _I know exactly where._

– Here. 

Isak almost gives a new sound, surprised at the quick answer. He manages to stop himself, just swallowing.

The other guy grins now, staring at him with wonder in his blue eyes. – It was  _here_ , I remember. You were here, it’s quite a long time ago. At a Christmas concert. 

– Yeah, Isak admits at last, finally breaking the gaze, looking at the ground. – That must be it. Nils Bech, right? With the... eh…  Romeo + Juliet decorations?

– Yeah! You remember! 

Isak`s stomach does a flip when the swoopy haired guy laughs out loud, throwing his head back. Isak has to look at him longer. He doesn’t understand it; it is like the man is glowing every time he smiles. 

– I recommended that movie, didn’t I? Did you watch it?

Isak nods.

The big smile that flashes towards him makes him dizzy. 

– Good! It was my favorite movie at the time; I guess that’s partly why I remember the whole thing so vividly. 

 _Those eyes_. The guy looks at him like he’s studying something interesting. Isak can’t look away.

– Ok, yeah. 

Why is his heart beating like this? Isak tries to breathe slowly, to calm down. He doesn’t know what more to say, though.  This whole thing is so  _unreal_. He licks his lips.

– This is crazy, though.  You know that’s almost eight years ago?! And we meet at the same place? What a bizarre coincidence… It's insane, really.

The other guy’s smile falters just a little, and he nods, and looks at his camera. – Yes, it really is… something. But I, uh, have to film this. Can you wait a little? 

Isak nods, and steps further away, watching as the tall man films some stills, focused concentration during the whole process. Isak freezes a little in the cold, but uses the opportunity to look more closely at the other man, without being detected. The guy has a relaxed, easy way of moving his body. A stubborn lock of his swoopy hair lives its own life and bounces when he moves. He wears blue jeans, and Isak can see a white t–shirt and a blue hoodie under his winter jacket. He looks handsome, but there is also something goofy about him, like he doesn’t have a clue about how good he looks.

– So. If you are not here for the funeral, what brings you here?

Isak swallows, he’ll never get used to those piercing eyes. – As I said, I just wanted to have a look at the church. 

He laughs, feeling a bit silly. His hand goes up to his neck, and massages an ache that in truth isn’t there. The other guy`s eyes follow his movement, and Isak feels the heat in his head. 

– You see, I just came back to Oslo, and, I don’t know, maybe I am a bit nostalgic.

The guy looks from him to his bags. – You’ve been away for a long time?

– Yeah. Studied in Trondheim. About six years.

Isak is met with a big grin, that makes him shiver.

– You must be a smart guy, then. So you just came back? Today?

– Yup.

Isak finally starts to get control over his voice. – Back for good, I guess.

He doesn't know if he's pleased over the fact, or not. Or if the other man can tell. He seems to look at him for a moment. 

– We  _could_  go inside, you know, the guy says. – If you really want to have a look.

Isak wrinkles his eyebrows. – We don’t even know who died.

The other guy tips his head to the side, like he thinks about it. – It seems like there aren’t  many people who did. I have been here a while now, and not many people have come. I think no one will mind if we slip into the back of the church. 

He pauses. – Actually, I could use some images from the inside, to use in my project. What do you think?

– Okay.

Isak surprises himself with his answer. He isn’t particularly interested in churches, or funerals. But he still wants to see the inside of that church again. Something makes him curious. And he must admit that he wants to spend some more time with this blonde guy, even if nothing comes of it ( _he had a girlfriend, after all_ ). He smiles at the guy. 

– I’m Isak, by the way, he says. – Isak Valtersen.

The other man smiles back, and takes his hand. 

– Even Bech Næsheim. Nice to meet you, Isak. Again, I should say. You coming?

Even backs off from him, while he`s still talking, and walks in long strides towards the church. Isak looks bewildered at him for a moment, before he follows him. 

When they walk up the stairs, they can hear the pipe organ, and Even laughs a little. He looks at Isak over his shoulder. – Oh, I heard this awful joke this morning, he says, in a quiet voice. – What do you call an erection when listening to hymns? 

Isak looks at him, expecting the worst. – What?

– An organ boner.

– Jesus Christ…

That was lame. Even only grins. The grin does something to Isak, it gives him a feeling of tightness in his chest. He huffs and shakes his head over the bad joke. This guy is unreal.

When they get inside, they hear the last notes of a psalm, “My Heart Always Lingers”, sung by thin, trembling voices accompanied by the pipe organ: _For you, for you alone I will live and die._ Isaks` smile fades, while he leaves his heavy bags at the entrance.

The church looks very different in the daylight. It is more realistic, in a way, calmer, and not so dreamy. _Come, let my soul find its right moment of joy for you._ There are just a handful of people in the front row, and a simple coffin with flowers in front of the altar.  _That you were born here in the deep of the heart._ Isak and Even slip into one of the rows in the back, and sit down, as the music dies away. Isak feels Even`s presence like a warm glow on his left side.

Even leans in on him. – Seems like I was right, he whispers, – there are really not many mourners here.

– True.

Isak nods, and glances quickly at Even, who is studying what`s happening at the altar. A dark golden lock of his hair has fallen into his eyes, and Isak feels an urge to stroke it back. _Pointless_ , a little voice whispers.  _He had a girlfriend, remember?_  But pointless or not, he still wants to. 

He forces himself to look away, lifts his eyes and watches the high ceiling as the priest starts to talk about the deceased. It’s difficult to hear all her words from the back of the church, but Isak manages to pick up that the old man had been hard working all his life, but that he seemed to prefer to be alone. The man had a natural thirst for knowledge, and was given the title of “bookworm” as a child. He never seemed to mind, but seemed to be proud of it. He used to speak his mind, and lost some friends because of it. He had never married, and had no children. He had left his savings to some distant relatives and to a good cause. It is a sad story, really. Even though Isak doesn’t know the man, a sadness overwhelms him, and he feels tears well up in his eyes.  _Fuck, when did he start to be so emotional?_

Even leans closer. – This was a bit heavy, he whispers. – Do you want to leave?

Isak doesn’t know. The feeling of the warmth from Even`s body next to him mixed up with his own weird sadness and longing, makes him choke up. – It's okay, he whispers. 

But then the organ starts playing, and the little group of people in the front starts to sing another psalm. The sound of the melancholy hymn and the thin voices is oddly gripping:  _To live, it is to love/ the best your soul could reach/ to live it is in work/ searching richer goals._ The words hit Isak hard, thinking about the lonely life of the deceased, and how it mirrors his own boring life.  _Shit_. He swallows and fights back the tears. Afraid that Even will notice, he starts to look at the walls, the decorations, the coffin and the flowers. The setting reminds him of that concert years ago, and it doesn't help.

 _To live, it is to find / the largest value in life;_ Isak gazes at Even. He looks like he is lost in his thoughts, listening to the song. The sunlight from the church windows flickers over his face and makes his eyes sparkle. There's something vulnerable about his expression. He is gorgeous. He is everything Isak wants and can't have. He doesn’t know if he wants to hold Even, kiss him, cry or rage. This is just too much. He looks down at his feet, trying to control his feelings. _To live, it is to win / the truth in all your doings._ He remembers that strange feeling he had during “O Helga Natt” all those years ago, and he thinks about his own life, and the life he could have had, and something makes his heart beat faster and his breath shallower.  _To live, it is to lay/ all wrongs and lies in the grave._

One moment he has this vision, of himself in another life, where he has chosen love, and living for real, where he laughs and cries and  _lives_ , and it takes his breath away. It's bizarre, but he sees himself with Even, with this guy next to him, and they do everything together; they kiss, laugh, fuck, fight and cry and kiss again, and it can't be right, because it almost feels like memories. Memories from another life that never was.  _To live, it is like the ocean, / to mirror the heavens._

What is happening to him? Isak can’t breathe. It is like he is trapped. 

He feels a warm hand on his shoulder.  _–_ Are you ok?

He can feel Even`s eyes on him, but doesn't know how to look back, or how to answer. The overwhelming emotions feel like they are trapped in his chest, and he can’t breathe. He needs to breathe.  _He needs to breathe!_

He stands up, gasping.

– I have to go, he whispers, without looking at Even. 

He feels the heat of Even`s eyes on him when he walks. His pulse drums in his ears and he feels dizzy. He walks as silent and fast as he can out through the door. His hands are shaking, grabbing the door handle. When he comes out to the entrance of the church, he stops by his bags, bending over them, gripping the wall with his hands, fighting for his breath. Tears sting behind his eyes. _Shit. Fuck_. What was this? Was it anxiety or something? Hallucinations? Was he losing his mind?

 

## Even: The Walk

Isak is standing by the entrance of the church, breathing heavily, resting his forehead against the wall. He looks so lost that Even wants to hug him. Even walks closer. He wants to hold this young man tight, and to touch the soft curls in his neck, but knows he can't. He puts his hand carefully on Isak`s shoulder. – You alright?

The last tones of the hymn linger while Isak breaths. Even rests both hands on his shoulders now, and he hopes the touch calms Isak, and grounds him somehow. It seems like the young man has had some sort of panic attack, or at least a formidable reaction about something.

– Yeah, I…

Isak is slowly getting his breath back, it seems. – I… I don’t know what this is; it never happened before, it was just… too much, I don’t know.

Too much. Even knows that feeling. He has bipolar disorder, after all, and it`s not only about the highs and the lows. For Even, everything is too much, sometimes. Sometimes everything is enhanced. Every sound, every smell, every sight is too much. He knows anxiety like an old friend too. Or rather an enemy. He fears to be in big crowds of people, he fears to not be good enough, and he fears to lose the ones he love. Even also has a fear of death. He can sometimes close his eyes and he sees death right in front of him. Even if he uses medicines, he still has these fears. Even sighs. It is a bit ironic to think that he once had a strong death wish, a wish no longer exists, and now he is afraid of death. He doesn`t want to die anymore, he wants to live. And still the death is with him somehow.

– It's okay, he says. – Shit happens.

Isak stands up again, but not looking at Even. – This was just so... sad, and it’s been a long day, so... I’m just overreacting, I guess.

Even doesn't say anything. He had felt the sadness inside the church, too, and the music, and there was a second when he almost felt like he was in another place or time, but the feeling vanished just as quickly, and he thought it just was one of his _moments_. One of these small instants where reality blurs out a little. It probably was. He still feels kind of lightheaded.

Now he just wishes he could take away the sadness in this beautiful Isak, and make him smile again. It's so weird how he suddenly appeared in front of the church, _their church_ , after all these years. _His golden boy_. Even had thought about him several times, regretting that he never got his number, or at least got his name.

He still remembers how miserable he was, and how he hated his last year at Bakka. He did his best and worked as hard as he could. Tried hard to keep stable. Just as his parents and his girlfriend at the time, Sonja, tried, too. And he went to school, and he took his medication, and he slept every night and ate healthy meals. And everything was so desperately boring, and controlled. And then he saw this blonde young boy at that church concert, looking awkward and weirdly lonely with his parents. His golden curls shone in the candle lights, like a crown. His eyes were dark green and looked like they hid a world of secrets. His mouth`s upper bow made Even want to kiss him, and he had a dimple in his chin that he wanted to touch.

The golden boy had captivated Even, even if he sat next to Sonja. Even didn`t care. That should probably have told him that he was on his way up, that he was slipping, but he said to himself it was just because they were growing apart. He knew he loved Sonja, and depended on her, but they were more friends than anything else at the point, to be honest.

As he had watched the young boy next to him, with the golden curls and the dark, green eyes, he didn’t think of her at all. The boy was the only thing that mattered in that moment. He had this cocky expression mixed with sad eyes, and it made Even curious. Even remembers that he wanted so badly to talk to him, and make him smile. Let his fingers stroke through his soft hair and over his neck. Kiss him and taste his lips. The warmth from his body had made him tingle all over. And when the artist sang _O Holy Night_ , and he was surrounded by those candles and roses and everything, he could almost see himself and the boy together, like a couple in a colorful Baz Luhrmann movie, and it made him lose his breath. It seemed so real that he could sense it. He wondered for a second if it was hypomania or one of his strange moments, but didn't care. He just wanted it. He even talked a few words to the boy, and tried to write some words to him.

But then the moment was over, and the concert too. Sonja clutched his arm, and kissed him. And since he was dazed by longing, lust and guilt, he kissed her back. When he lifted his head again, the beautiful boy was gone, leaving Even with a sinking feeling of disappointment. He never saw the golden-haired boy again, but that was the night he broke up with Sonja, and decided to never use anyone as a crutch again.

Of course, Even _was_ a bit hypomanic at the time, but his parents helped him stay in control. He chose to focus on school and making films for a while. After school ended, he moved away – to a film school abroad where his parents couldn’t babysit him anymore. There, he must admit, he took everything to an extreme. He studied too much, partied too much, drank too much and fucked too much. That is, when he wasn't so depressed that he locked himself indoors for weeks. He didn't last for long like that. When he came home to Oslo a year ago, he was wrecked. He has been in Oslo this last year, and he has realized he needs the stability, after such a long time of instability. His life is all about medication, treatment, sleep and a balance of everything.

It depresses him a bit, though.

Now Isak turns around, facing him, and Even is forced to drop his hands from his shoulders. His looks still take Even`s breath away, just as they did in the church back when they were kids. Isak is still golden, but far from a boy, even if Even can see he still has sort of a boyish charm. Despite that impression, he is a man, with strong features and dark, green eyes. Even still feels the overwhelming _want_ in his hands, the want to hold him, and the want to sense his skin. He has this excitement in his body and buzzing feeling in his fingers, something that makes him wonder if he is starting to become manic again, so he holds back.

 _Need to stay in control_.

Isak meets his gaze for a moment, looking a bit embarrassed, and Even smiles at him.

– Okay, Even says, and tries to sound reassuring. – It seems like you are better now. But if it’s okay, I want to follow you to wherever you are going. Just to be sure you are all right.

Smooth. Even is quite pleased with himself.

Isak looks embarrassed, avoiding his eyes. – There’s no need to, really.

– No, I know, but still.

Even is determined to follow Isak for a little longer. This coincidence is too huge to just let him disappear.

Isak sighs, and scratches his hair. Then he laughs a little. – I really don’t know where to go, though. I am renting an apartment, but the previous tenant hasn’t moved out yet.

Even`s eyebrows shoot up.

Isak`s voice is still a bit shaky, but becomes steadier as he talks. – It was something about a misunderstanding. I don’t want to beg my parents to help either. Well, I guess I will find a hotel for the night and find a solution tomorrow.

He shuts his mouth, looking like he feels he has talked too much. Even really wants to hug him.

– What's the address?

Isak tells him, and Even nods, his heart beats fast in his chest. – Pretty central, he says.

– Yeah. Uh, sorry to dump all this on you, Isak continues, throwing his hands up. – I’ll find a solution, and I can stand living at a hotel for a little while.

He looks like he doesn't have that many options. Even wants to ask him about his parents or friends, but something holds him back. He just nods. – Sure. A hotel can be fine. Where should we go, then?

– I guess I should go towards Hartvig Nissen, to find one of the hotels nearby. I have a job interview there tomorrow.

– Really?

Isak sighs. – Yeah. I have applied for several jobs, but that's the one I got an answer from. The school I went to.

He doesn't look very pleased about the thought.

Even smiles. – It’s not far from where I live. If you like, we can walk in the same direction?

– Okay.

Isak looks like he`s starting to feel better. He has some color in his face again, and his eyes are brighter.

They start to walk, Even helping him with one of the bags. Isak still looks a little embarrassed about his meltdown, but Even is proud that he manages to make him relax and forget everything, chatting and making horrible jokes.

– Do you know what a condom and a coffin got in common? he asks.

– No, what, Isak sighs, with a little smile.

– They both hold stiffs but one is cumming and one is going.

Isak laughs a little, looking a little hot in his cheeks, and rolls his eyes. – Fuck off, that’s just bad!

He looks at Even, and God, Even loves how he looks at him.

– I know, it’s horrible, Even says, and laughs out loud. – It’s a little funny, though.

Isak shakes his head, but he's still smiling. The bad joke seems to help, because Isak starts to relax, as they talk about everything from studies and hobbies, to favorite music and movies, about what they like and don’t like. When they talk, Isak looks at him with his dark green eyes, and Even can't help but meet his gaze. Something in his eyes makes Even believe there just might be something more than his imagination between them. And it gives him a fluttering feeling in his belly.

Isak tells him about his studies in biology and passion for science, and Even tells him how he went to film school, but ended up working as a media teacher, because he needed the security and wanted to keep the filming as a hobby. Well, that’s part of the truth, anyway.

He doesn’t mention that he sometimes copes badly with the responsibility and the stress that comes with working with movies. That stress makes his body sometimes go into a shutdown, it`s like a switch is turned off. That he gets sick, like a fever, and that he`s tired throughout his body, behind his heart. And then he just can't do his job. He doesn't mention that he sometimes makes reckless and bad decisions, because he is hypomanic. Luckily, Even has a job where it`s accepted that he gets sick sometimes. He has a system around him, and a good boss who sees when he starts to struggle.

Even doesn`t tell Isak all this, but a part of him wants to. Sometime. Even loves that they can talk so easily, like they had known each other for years. He only wishes they had, for real.

– I wonder what are the odds meeting someone again after such a long time? Isak muses, after a while.

– Yeah, it’s really odd, Even agrees. – I have been filming around that church sometimes the last year, though, he adds. – I guess that might have increased the likelihood of meeting me.

– You have?

– Yes. I have a bit of a fascination for it, you see. Or obsession, maybe.

 _Obsession is more accurate, yes_.

– Okay.

Isak keeps his eyes at the pavement in front of him, looking a little embarrassed again. – I’m sorry I messed up your filming inside.

Messed up his filming? Even hesitates, before he remembers his little white lie about wanting to get some images for his project inside the church. He had only said it, so he could spend some time with Isak. He almost admits it, but manages to stop himself.

– No problem, he says. – I didn’t feel like filming more, really. Everything seemed so sad, and final.

That last part was true, anyway. The death, and the sadness of it all, was hard to face. Even didn't feel like doing anything else other than sitting there, next to Isak.

Isak looks at him, like he is a puzzle he’s trying to understand or solve, but he doesn't say anything.

They walk in silence for a while. At first the silence is pleasant, but after a while, Even can see that Isak is getting nervous. It makes him nervous, too.

– So, awesome talk, he jokes.

Isak only smiles and nods. He seems to have lost his voice.

Even chuckles. – Should I tell another joke?

Isak snorts. – Please don’t. Penis jokes are so old...

He looks at Even with laughter in his eyes. – I mean, _cum on_.

Even looks at him, and laughs out loud. – Isak Valtersen, a dick joke? I believe I have had a bad influence on you.

Isak grins, looking ridiculously proud that he made Even laugh. – You’re probably right.

 

## Isak: The School

They finally reach Hartwig Nissen school, and the old building is looking just as it did all those years ago.

– So this was your old school? Even asks, and looks around.

Isak looks at the building with mixed emotions.  – Yeah.

– Do you want to take a closer look? Even asks, but he doesn't wait for an answer. He backs away from Isak, moves towards the school, opens the gate and goes into the empty schoolyard.

Isak stares after him. Even is gorgeous, but also quite unpredictable. Isak _still_ wants to follow him everywhere. He hesitates a moment, thinking about how lonely and fucked up he was when he went here. He should probably just walk away, emotional and weird as he is today. But in the end he doesn't. 

–  _Fuck it._  Just a little look, maybe, he says, and follows Even. 

They find a bench, and Even leaves the bag, climbs up and sits down on the back of the bench, resting his feet on the seat. Isak follows him reluctantly, sits down next to him and looks around. Even smiles at him, leans forwards and rests his elbows on his knees. There is this new silence between them again, that makes Isak a little nervous. 

– It was about six years ago that I went here, he finally says.

– Right.

Isak looks at Even. – Which school did you go to?

– Bakka.        

Even glances at him, and looks ridiculously hot with his swoopy hair and bright, blue eyes.

Isak swallows, but puts on a cocky face. – That figures, he smiles. – Elvebakken is the place to go for hipster movie makers or media wannabes, isn’t it?

– Ha ha. 

Even smiles at Isak, but there is something serious in his eyes. – I almost transferred to Nissen, actually, in my last year. That is, I got delayed for a year, and then I thought about changing schools.

– Really? Why?

Even`s gaze at him is thoughtful. – It’s a long story. I can tell you over a beer some time. 

 _I can tell you. Some time_. Isak likes that little promise. 

– But I decided that I wasn’t that kind of person, Even continues.

Isaks looks at him. – What kind of person?

Even shrugs. – I didn’t want to be that kind of person who quits, I guess.

Isak remembers with a pang of guilt that time he made Eva hate school so much that she almost transferred to another school. And what he said to stop her, when he realized what he had done. 

– I said that to a friend once, he admits. – I said “ _I didn't know you were someone who would just give up_ ”. I said “ _If you want to change schools because things are a little fucked up, you are someone who gives up easily”._

– Yeah? What did your friend answer? Do you remember?

Isak smiles, and nods. – “ _I'm not five years old. You thought reverse psychology would work on me?”_

Even chuckles. – I like your friend. Well, did it?

– I guess. She stayed at Nissen. 

Even nods, looking at him.

Isak looks back. – You don’t strike me as a person that gives up, so I guess you made the right choice, too.

Even holds his gaze. – Maybe, he says.

Isak feels hot in his face, and he's not sure why. – You must be about my age, right? he asks.

– I’m 27.

– And I’m 25. I guess that means you would have taken your third year when I was in second, since you were delayed.

Even raises his eyebrows. – Impressive math abilities you are showing here. 

Isak laughs. – It’s a pity though, he says. – I would have liked to meet you back then. I was a sneaky, grumpy kid at the time, but I think I would have liked you.

 _Shit. Did I just say that?_  

Isak feels hot in his head. He never talks like this. He shoots a quick glance at Even. Even looks back at him and his eyes are curious, like he sees something he doesn’t know how to figure out. He has a little smile on his lips.

– I know, he says. His voice is low. – It’s a pity. 

Isak’s heart starts racing again.  _Did he just._  Did he just flirt with him or something?

Even leans forward. – You know, maybe I could have lifted your spirits; since you were so grumpy, I mean. 

Isak can't stop smiling; this Even is really something special. But then he remembers how Even supported him when he had the meltdown in church, and how he just decided to follow him and make sure he was okay. His smile falters. Oh, God, he hopes Even hasn`t felt obliged to follow him all this way!

– You have lifted them today, for sure, he says. – Uh, thanks. And I am okay now, you know. You don't have to take care of me or anything. I just was a bit overwhelmed back there.

– I know, Even says. – And I don't feel like I have to. 

– Are you sure?

Isak feels the heat in his face. – I seem to have lost track of time, but don't you have anyone waiting for you or something?

Even smiles. – I don’t.

Isak releases a breath.  _No girlfriend this time, then,_ his blood sings.  _No boyfriend_. _Nothing_. Or at least not one that`s waiting for him. The thought makes him lightheaded. His heart is beating fast again.

– That`s good, he says, and hopes that he doesn’t blush too much.

He can’t help it, he is falling for this guy, and he is falling fast. Somehow, he has this feeling that he knows Even; that he has known him for a long time, even if he never have met him before. It's such a weird feeling, and totally wrong, of course. He doesn't know Even. He`s just having an embarrassingly huge crush on him. He knows it´s just a small possibility that Even is single, and an even smaller possibility that he likes guys. But Isak hopes so. Oh, he really hopes so.

It`s truly a gamble every time he meets someone new. Isak feels like he has to come out again and again, in a never-ending story. It had taken some time to come out the first time, too. He had stopped hiding behind random hookups with girls after Emma told him that he used her, but it took him a long time to  _talk_  to someone about it. The secret had festered in him, and he had trouble sleeping. In the spring in second grade, he had finally told his protective roommate Eskild that he  _maybe_  liked boys. Unfortunately, Isak had offended Eskild in the process, being fixated on defining himself as something else than a homosexual “with mascara and tights”. He had learned something important that night, though. He had learned that homophobia didn't always come from the outside.

Then he told his best friend Jonas, and that went just as smooth as the talk to Eskild; that is, not smooth at all. He had been smashed at a russe–celebration and told Jonas everything. _Everything_. He even told him that he had had a crush on him in first grade, that he had contributed to Jonas and his girlfriend Eva breaking up, and he had told him _how_ he did it. Jonas was very responsive and supportive to the fact that Isak liked boys. He was not so responsive to the fact that Isak had wrecked his relationship with Eva, though, or that he had never told him. Isak and Jonas didn’t talk so much after that. 

At the next russe-celebration, Isak had fooled around with a boy from third grade, and then rumors started to take off at Nissen. _Everybody_ talked about him, he couldn’t look Jonas in the eyes, and his other buddies, Mahdi and Magnus, were upset that he never told them. Isak felt like he had lost everything. The last year at Nissen was lonely. He still talked a bit to Eskild and the girl squad, and said hello to the boys now and then, but otherwise he was pretty much alone. The decision to move to Trondheim wasn’t difficult at all. He had buried himself in schoolwork the last months at school, and left Oslo as soon as he could. After that, he had come out several times, but he never found love.

What if he could have met someone like Even back then? What if Even had transferred to Nissen? _What then?_

Isak suddenly feels dizzy. He gets this weird feeling again, when it`s like he is two places at once. No that`s wrong, he's sitting at the same _place_ , on the same bench, but in a different time, or… in a different world? Where he is younger, Even is younger, and they are smoking weed and talking. It`s like a memory from another world.

– Hey, are you okay? 

Even looks closely at Isak. – You seem a bit lost in your thoughts?

Isak takes a deep breath, trying to push the weird feeling away. – Yeah, I’m okay, he says. – It must be this place, I was thinking about when I was a kid. 

Even smiles, and looks like he understands, at least some things. He puts a warm hand on Isak`s shoulder, giving him a tingling feeling along his spine. – You really looked lost in time. 

Isak tries to look indifferent to the touch, and smiles back. – I guess I was.

 _Lost in time, or lost in space, who knows_.

Even looks at him, and his eyes are curious. – Did you like it here?

Isak pauses for a moment, and thinks. – Well, I had both good times and bad times, he admits.  – I had a small group of friends, and I was happy with that. I managed the subjects, too. But I remember I felt like I had to put a mask on, half the time, and I didn't like it.

Even stares at him with raised eyebrows, and Isak explains: –  You know, high school is a lot about fitting in and being cool. I guess I felt like I had to fake it. I was lovesick and grumpy most of the time, too.

– No _kjæreste_ , then?

The question is light, but Even looks at him with an intensity that makes Isak`s heart beat faster. Isak has to look away. He doesn't quite know how he should answer the question. Finally, he says:

– I had a kjæreste in first grade, and I did fool around a bit, but it wasn't for real.

He doesn't want to explain the whole fake girlfriend period. At least not yet.

He wonders about Even, and his girlfriend. Maybe this is the moment he can find out things. He looks at Even, and grins.

– I bet you had one  through the whole high school. Or maybe several!

Even looks surprised, but nods. – I had a girlfriend, Sonja, until christmas the last year at Bakka, he said.

Ah, that must have been the blonde girl in the church. Isak feels an irrational sting of jealousy, but tries to push it away.

Even looks out in the air. His expression is impossible to read. – After that it's been a bit more random, to be honest, he says.

Isak nods. If he should describe his love life after high school, random would be a good description, too.

While Even gazes out into space, Isak uses the opportunity to look at him, without being discovered. His heart races as he lets his eyes roam over Even’s shining eyes, swoopy hair, gorgeous cheekbones, and plush lips. It's like he loses himself in him. Even looks so damned kissable. Isak wants to taste those lips more than anything. And his long neck… Isak wants to trace his long neck with his fingers, and dig into his soft hair with his hands.

 _Fuck._ Even looks him in the eyes. Isak blushes, smiles and looks down, and hopes that his thoughts did not show. When he takes a quick look again, Even still looks at him, but he says nothing.

He looks thoughtful.  – Are you still in touch with your friends from back then? he asks.

– Not much, Isak blushes. For some reason, he wants to tell Even everything. – I have been texting with some of them. Jonas was my best friend.

Even looks at him and nods. – A friend from junior high, maybe?

– Yeah. But I fucked everything up. I eh… In third grade I admitted to him that I`d had a crush on him, and told him some shitty things I did, and, well, it hasn't been the same since.

Isak feels hot in his face. Wow, he just told Even he is gay, _and_ that he had a stupid crush on his best friend. Even is so easy to talk to, that he didn’t even think about it.

Even stares at him. Isak doesn't know how to interpret his expression. Luckily, he can`t see judgement in his face, it's more like he`s startled and thoughtful at the same time.

– I did some truly shitty things, Isak adds, feeling brave. – My whole life was pretty bad at the time, and I was jealous and scared and I almost made his girlfriend change school.

– The one you told me about? Eva?

– Yup.

Even`s eyes shine, like Isak has said something weird and amazing.

– So this Jonas… He couldn’t forgive you?

– I don’t know, to be honest. I guess I never gave him the chance, because I was so embarrassed. I kept a lot to myself the last year at Nissen. And then I moved away, time happened, and suddenly it felt like it was too late to make contact again.

 _Shit_. He said it. _All of it._

Even nods, still with something like wonder is his eyes. – I know that feeling, he says.

Isak can't believe that a charming guy like Even can have similar feelings, but he doesn't comment on it.

Even looks like he hesitates. – You know, chances are, Jonas has forgotten this years ago?

– Yeah, probably. Eva forgave me, and I still text her sometimes. But with Jonas… We have just talked a few times since high school. It's still difficult to make that first call.

– Yeah, I know.

Even truly looks like he knows. Isak can’t believe it. He sighs a shaky sigh. He can`t believe he has told all this, either; to a man he just met. He feels ashamed, but relieved, at the same time.

– Well, I think I have reminisced enough for now, he mutters.

He stretches his back, noticing that he starts to get a bit cold. – I suppose I better find that hotel, or at least I should find a place to eat. Would you like to join me?

_Oh God. That actually sounded like I asked him out._

Luckily, Even doesn’t seem to mind. He just raises his eyebrows. – Alright, I’m in, he says. – Let’s find a hotel, or have something to eat. 

– Okay.

Isak tries to calm down the tingling feeling in his gut. – Okay.

 

## Even: The Hotel

They jump off the bench, pick up the bags again, and leave the school yard. Even is a little shaken after the talk. Isak’s experiences mirrors his own so much that it’s almost scary.

 _Don’t go there_.

Even is good at distracting himself with other things to think about. So he does. He watches Isak as they walk; he’s looking lost in his thoughts and a little tired. Even can’t help staring at him. Isak surprises him, again and again. At first Even was just shocked to meet him, and immediately attracted, then Isak seemed like a cocky brat, in the next minute he was an emotional wreck, then funny, then awkward, then brutally honest. He’s intriguing, and cute. And the looks he sends him… Those dark green, dilated eyes make him dizzy all the time.

So, when this blonde cutie asked if he wanted to join him to find a hotel, Even become short of breath. The question was maybe innocent enough, but Even’s still glad he gets the chance to follow Isak for a little longer. He doesn't want this to end yet, so he hopes they find something near his flat. Unfortunately, the first hotel they find is full. When they go back outside, Even is disappointed. The next hotels are further away from his apartment, so he can't continue to pretend like they are just walking in the same direction.

– Well, fuck.

Isak seems a bit indecisive, looking around. 

– Yeah, bad luck.

Even follows his gaze. They are standing in Karl Johan, in the Alley of the Castle Park. The trees with golden leaves in the setting sun are really something. Even feels dizzy. One moment he has this image, of Isak and him, walking hand in hand, under those golden trees. Even can feel Isak`s hand in his and his shoulder bumping into his. It`s like a memory, but isn't, and it confuses him. Is it another of his moments, where the feeling of reality blurs out?

When Even was younger, he had a secret fantasy world, where he could control everything and everything was like he wanted it to. Sometimes he could decide to escape the real world for a moment. Other times he could have these feelings, where he felt like he was outside himself, or things around him was too small, or too big. This is different, it`s like this fantasy or what it is, is not in his control at all, and he doesn't feel like he is outside himself. He doesn't know what it is.

He notices that Isak is looking at him. Isak`s eyes are dark, and his cheeks and tip of the nose are rosy from the cold. Fuck, he looks gorgeous. Even swallows. Isak is something special. It`s not just the fact that he`s attractive, and smart, and charmingly awkward. Even feels that he gets sign after sign, that they belong together. Meeting him at that church (that church, that he's so drawn to) was like a sign. The fact that Even almost would have gone to the same school as him, was another. Then Isak let him know that he was gay (yeay). And then Isak told him how he had almost lost contact with his friends… There are signs everywhere.

Even knows he can't let Isak slip away. He needs to do something. 

– I think we should check for hotel rooms online, before we start running all over Oslo, he says, and picks up his phone. 

Isak nods in agreement. He looks a bit tired, like he`s ready to throw himself on a hotel bed. _Not yet, not without me_ , Even wants to add, but feels ridiculous. He just met the guy; he can't think like this. He needs to stop now. He just… He just doesn't want this to be over yet.

Even stares at his phone, but finds almost no vacant rooms. 

– There must be something big happening in Oslo this week; all the hotels are full. 

– All of them?

– All except Plaza.   

Isak looks a little disappointed, and sighs. – More walking, then. Well. I guess that`s not so close to your home anymore. 

– No, I guess not, Even says, and puts away his phone. He swallows. His thoughts are spinning. _Don't say we should part ways._ He realizes he wants Isak to be his, more than he has wanted anything or anyone before. _Don`t leave me._ But he can't say it out loud, of course. He doesn’t know what Isak wants, and he doesn’t have the guts to ask. He thinks they have had a moment or two, like when he caught Isak watching him in the school yard, but he isn't certain. Isak is mostly easy to read, but whether he is attracted or not, is difficult to know for sure.

Even sighs. He knows he shouldn’t jump into anything impulsive, anyway. This buzzing feeling in his body, and these spinning thoughts, tells him that a new high is coming, and he should take it easy.

It seems like this short and weird fairytale is over.

– So… 

Isaks looks at him quickly, before looking down. – Should we just find a place to eat before we part ways, then?

It's like Isak can't meet his eyes. Even wants to touch the curls at his neck, and bury his hands in his hair. The want makes him dizzy and restless, and he doesn’t know what they should do, or not. His thoughts are spinning and spinning. He doesn't want to part ways at all. But should they eat? At the moment, he can't think of food. He looks at Isak, breathless. 

– Uhm, he says. 

Then he doesn’t say anything more. He just stares at Isak. He wants to… He wants… He wants so much. He wants to follow Isak to the hotel, to be honest; he wants to kiss him, fuck him and drown in him. Even knows he can't say that. He feels the excitement, the buzzing in his fingers, and the restlessness in his legs. He realizes that he probably wants too much, too fast. He is slipping. If he says something, he's afraid he`s going to go on and on and never stop. He bites his lip, and says nothing.

– What? 

Isak looks nervous at him, and swallows. – Shit, did I say something wrong?

Suddenly he starts to stutter and stumble with his words. – If… if you don't want to come, if I was rude or something, I'm just… sorry. You have helped me more than enough, so.

Even`s heart starts beating faster immediately. _Something wrong?_  He can't help smiling, he almost wants to laugh. He steps closer to Isak and catches his gaze.  – You didn’t say anything wrong!

Isak draws his breath, with big eyes and a ghost of a smile. – No? he asks.

– No.

Oh god, Isak looks gorgeous. His small, careful smile lights up his whole face. His green eyes are dark and deep; something to drown in.

Even realizes that he should tell the truth. He can’t let this slip away. If he takes it slow, he can keep in control. His voice is low when he continues: 

– I just wanted to say I could follow you straight to the hotel instead. 

Isak stares at him with wide eyes.

He feels the heat in his gut when he continues. – But then I realized it could sound a bit… reckless and… intrusive. You see, I can be a little too much sometimes, I have been told.

 _Well, that is an understatement_. Even smiles, and hopes it doesn't look like a crazy grin. He really should not do this; he should take it easy. But he doesn't care anymore. He wants this so much he must try.

 

## Isak: Even`s Flat

Isak stares at Even. Did he just say  _straight to the hotel?_ His heart is beating so quickly, and so hard, that it nearly hurts. He can feel the warmth reach his cheeks.  _Reckless and intrusive?_ You bet. Even`s smile is wide, and his eyes shine at Isak. Even raises his eyebrows, like a question, and something about that makes Isak shiver. He wants to grab Even and pull him closer, right then and there. He wants to kiss him, and get lost in him. He wants it so bad.

– Straight... to the hotel? he stutters.

– Yeah.

Even is still smiling a little, but his eyes are suddenly dark. Isak can’t help but stare at his lips. The thought of kissing them makes him hot all over. Even stays silent, staring directly into his eyes. Waiting. Isak should probably say something. 

– Just.. like that? he manages.

– Of course. Yes.

Isak stares at Even, at his untidy hair, his glowing face and blurred gaze. A part of him wants to lunge himself at Even, and shout _yes yes yes yes_. This feels so _right_. At the same time, Isak desperately needs to have some feeling of control. _What is happening here? What does Even want?_

Even puts both his hands on his chest and looks him in the eyes. – I want to come with you, Isak.

Isak`s throat feels dry. He makes a sound between a cough and a laugh. Even wants to come with him, to the fucking hotel. He has dreamt of something like this so many times, but when it finally happens, he doesn't know what to do.

He stutters. – To… to do what, exactly?

He tries to make his voice sound light, but he only sounds breathless.

Even grins then. – Do you think we are going to play games or something? Even asks. He looks brave, but a little nervous, too. – To fuck, of course. Don't you want to?

– Well, _faen_ , gasps Isak, – that`s tempting, but are you sure –

– Yes. Yes I am.

Isak shivers. – This is just a little…

He doesn't know what to say. He has had random sex before, so it's not that he`s against it. And he wants Even more than anything. At the same time, he _likes_ Even. A lot. And he doesn't want this to be just another random experience. He swallows. – Isn't this a bit... quick?

His voice is raspy.

– Relax, don't worry.

Even cups his face with his hands, and smiles. – I am not going to bite.

Isak huffs, waiting for a lame joke, like “if you don't want to”, or something like that, but Even just smiles. His eyes are glittering.

– Okay… says Isak, in a doubtful voice.

Even`s eyes are suddenly full of laughter, and need, and determination. – Why are you so skeptical?

Isak swallows, tugging at Even`s shirt with his hands. Even`s face is so close, and his lips so inviting. Isak leans nearer, and licks his lips.

– I'm… not skeptical, but it's a bit quick, that`s all…

Even nods, almost absent mindedly. He looks in to Isak`s eyes, like he`s searching for something, or asking for a permission. Then he lets his hands drift to touch his neck, and his fingers glides into his hair. He leans his forehead against Isak`s, and lets his nose rub against his. Isak shivers.

_Fuck, who am I kidding?_

Of course he is coming. He wants this. More than anything. His body screams to him that he needs to be with Even. He doesn't care if it`s a random experience or something else, he just wants it.

– Okay, he breaths.

Even laughs a silent laughter. – Come here, he mutters, before his soft mouth presses against Isak’s.  

The kiss is a shock to Isak`s lips, and makes ice and fire tingle through his whole body. He moans and answers the kiss with an intensity that probably surprises both of them. He opens his lips hungrily and lets himself sink into the embrace. Even`s mouth is so soft and tempting against his, and Isak puts all his longing, doubts and lust into the kiss. He kisses, licks and bites and moans into Even`s mouth

– Oh god.

Even moans too, and kisses him deeper. Isak’s hands search Even`s arms and shoulders, until he lets his fingers slide into his soft hair. Even`s body clings against his, and he can feel the warmth of his body. Oh god, they're all over each other, in the middle of the street.

– Wait, Even – 

– I don't want to wait.  

Even laughs a little, holding him close, and kissing and licking his neck. – Oh god, this is so good. I should take it easy, but I don't want to be reasonable. I just want you. 

He grabs Isak’s butt, pulling him closer.

Isak breaths in. – Fuck.

– Yes.

 _This is really happening._ Isak shivers, and all the blood leaves his brain. The need is like a fire in him. This is all he wants.  _Now_.

– The hotel… too far away, he mutters, into Even`s hair.

– Yeah, too far.

Even nods, towards his neck. – My place.

 _His place._  Fuck, this is really happening.  _Am I ready for it?_ Isak knows this is risky, just following someone he doesn't know. But it`s like he has this irresistible need, and this overwhelming feeling that they are meant to be. It`s like his body, his soul and the whole fucking universe try to tell him they belong together. And the feeling makes him dizzy. He can't protest. Doesn`t want to, either. 

– Come here, Even says, again, and pulls him with him by the hand. – It's  right around the corner. 

Isak hesitates for only a moment, before he follows, still holding his hand. They partly run, partly walk, and stop only to kiss, and grab onto each other.

– Can`t believe this, Isak breaths into Even`s neck when they stop at a crossing. He laughs. – Fuck, I can't believe I'm back in Oslo, either.

Even looks at him, pulls him closer. – Have you seen your new flat at all? he asks as they walk, with his arm around his shoulder.

The question confuses Isak a little, but he doesn't care. – No. I have seen some photos. I just had to take a chance.

– Yeah, Even kisses his chin. – I'm sure you’ll work it out. 

He smiles a little, and kisses him again.

They stop in front of a building. – Come, Even says, with his arm around Isak`s waist. – Here`s my place. 

Isak follows Even inside, almost not looking around at all. All he can see is Even, this gorgeous man who seems to shine. In a blur he registers that the hall is cozy, with posters and drawings on the wall. Isak doesn't get to see much of it, though. 

– Come here, Even says, pulling his jacket and scarf off, and dropping his own jacket to the floor. He kisses Isak again and lets his hands slide down his chest, belly and towards his pants. Isak shudders as Even starts unbuttoning his pants.  

– Even… 

He is breathless and hard as a rock, and he has no idea what he`s about to say. He takes Even´s hands. – Are you sure… 

Even`s eyes glitter at him, and he smiles an indecent smile that makes him shake. – You don't get to slip away from me now, Isak. I want you so much. 

He pulls him closer, kisses him and licks his neck, making Isak shiver.

– Fuck.

– That`s the plan, Even says, and walks backwards through the hall and into his room, pulling Isak after him. Even’s mouth is soft and tempting against his. His hands are everywhere.

– Come here, he says, – we're going to fuck all night, babe.

Isak doesn't manage to say a word anymore. His hands are lost in Even`s dark blond hair. All the doubt is gone. He only wants Even. Isak pulls him closer and puts his mouth over Even`s. His lips are hungry. Isak loses what he has left of control, presses against Even, kisses his eyes, mouth and neck.

They fall onto the bed, and pull frenetically at each other’s clothes, kissing and touching. Everything happens in a hurry, it's like they both are afraid of letting go of the other.

Isak falls down into Even, and drowns into his body. He touches and pushes and pulls and kisses and feels and licks and breathes and sighs and moans. Never before has he felt so wild, never has he felt so alive. 


	2. Don`t hurt me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Slightly magical AU where Even never transferred to Hartvig Nissen, but Even and Isak meet as adults.
> 
> Because of the last episode in Skam, I feel that I have to edit this chapter. Jonas is with Eva, and not Iben, as I wrote originally. This feels just right, to me. I hope this is not going to be too confusing. I will explain it again in the next chapter.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi, everyone! Thank you so much for commenting and giving kudos, you are amazing! And thanks to my amazing betareader for helping me see that I can put magic into this fic!
> 
> Here's the second chapter, and it's a bit of a monster. A lot of things happens. I won't spoil too much, but I can say that I have upped the rating, even if it`s not that explicit. It will become more explicit. I should mention that Isak and Even are versatile in this fic. If that bothers you, then that's a pity.
> 
> I had some trouble posting this chapter, because of a smiley, I think, but now this is the whole chapter. Finally.
> 
> Anyway. I hope you enjoy this chapter!

_The second time Isak almost met Even, was in the second year at Hartvig Nissen, when Isak was pushed to host a pregame party for the revue group Kosegruppa. The first year, Emma, who had a crush on Isak, had invited Sonja, a girl from her evening work, and her boyfriend, Even. Even couldn’t come to the party, because he and Sonja had a fight. Isak hang with Eva and Sana most of the evening, and managed to keep a lovesick Emma at a distance. He didn't stay long in Kosegruppa. He couldn't explain why, but for a long time after the party, he had the feeling that he had missed something._

 

##  **Even: Even’s bed**

Even floats in an intoxicating rush of pleasure and power. He kisses and licks Isak’s lips and lets his hands stroke under his shirt, feeling his hot skin. He loves the sensation of Isak´s muscles quivering under his touch, knowing that he is the one that makes Isak feel like this.

Isak`s eyes are dark green as he locks Even to him with his gaze. _This is happening._ Even shivers. How can this be real? How can he be so lucky? Even feels so good right now, like he can conquer the world. He's so awake and alive. He lives. He is alive. It feels good. His body sings with an intoxication of joy; he can feel it all the way out to his fingers and toes. He`s so happy. And Isak is here, with him. He`s so beautiful that Even hardly can breathe. and Even can´t get enough, can never get enough.

 _This is crazy_ , he thinks, too horny to care that he probably is slipping a little for real. The fact that he is throwing himself into the arms of a cute guy that he doesn’t know, is a pretty good sign that he is. It just feels so good, and so _right_. He smiles weakly, and remembers Isak`s face when he dragged him into his room. Isak, who’s so restrained and careful all the time, had looked so hungrily and helplessly at him. Even had pulled him closer, and kissed him, and Isak just gave in.

Even shivers, and kisses and clings to Isak. Forgets himself in Isak. In the back of his head he knows this is just postponing everything difficult, but he just can't deal with that now. He just wants to forget everything for a little while. And Isak is so good at making him forget.

Isak kisses and licks him and moves against him, and Even _wants wants wants_ him. _I want him inside of me_. _I don't even know if he likes that, but I want to. I want to bee inside of him, too. God, I want everything. I want it so much._  

They roll around in bed, tearing each other’s clothes off and feeling each other with their hands. Pushing and pulling at each other. Throwing the clothes everywhere. It’s a little messy. Isak`s mouth searches for his again, but Even doesn't have the patience to wait. He pulls Isak’s head towards him, and kisses him deeper. Isak is not getting away. _Never_. 

They are both naked now, and Isak looks at him with hazy, dark eyes.

– You're so beautiful, he murmurs, and kisses Even`s jaw, and his neck, grabs his waist and buries his face towards his neck. Even sighs. Everything is so amplified; the sounds, the smells and the touches make him dizzy. And Isak is all over him.

There is nothing careful or withdrawn about Isak anymore. Next he is kissing Even`s neck and chest, and sucking his nipples. Even has to close his eyes a moment, and just revel in the sensations.

– Feels so good…

Even`s voice is raspy. When he looks up at Isak, there he sits – on his knees over him, his gaze making Even`s heart beat faster. Isak`s eyes are blurred by lust and wanting, and his usual measured façade is gone. Even grins, like it’s a victory. It feels like it is. Finally Isak has lost some of his control! Even hugs him closer, lets his hands search down his narrow hips. Grabs his dick and feels how hard he is. Strokes it.

Isak breaths heavily now, and looks at him with an almost helpless look in his eyes.  _You're mine_ , Even thinks, like in a fever.  _Mine mine mine_. At least here and now. He drowns himself in Isak`s gaze, dazed by his strong feelings. How can this feel so _right_ , after such a short time? How can he feel that he _knows_ Isak, and that they belong together, when they met just for some hours ago? It`s like he somehow, deep down, knows what Isak wants, and what he needs. His finger and hands senses Isak`s needs, like they remember a lifetime together.

The feeling is overwhelming. Even`s body shakes and yearns for more touch, and he presses himself against Isak. Isak`s fingers shiver against his skin, until he finds his cock. He touches him, and strokes him, while he kisses him desperately. It's like Isak is releasing a desire that he has kept inside for far too long.

Even still wants more. He needs more. _I want you inside of me._ He lifts his legs, and spreads them impatiently, grabs Isak`s hand, licks his fingers and pulls them down his chest and towards his hole. 

– I want you inside of me, he says, in a shaky voice. – Say you want me. 

When he sees Isak`s wide eyes, he adds: – If you want to.

– I… I want, Isak stutters. Even smiles, and feels wild under his burning gaze. 

Isak is careful as he lets one wet finger tease Even’s rim, and Even shivers. – Yes, please…

– I want this... too.

Isak`s voice is muddy, while he slides his finger carefully into Even. Ah, yes, it's so _good_. Even can't help moaning and meeting Isak`s movements with his hips. He pulls Isak towards him, enjoys the strokes of his finger inside him. Then another finger. The pulling and pushing stretches him so good. Even doesn`t quite get how it's possible, but the sensation of Isak`s fingers make his cock pulse and burn with anticipation. Even still wants more; wants to be filled. He lays his head back and whispers. – I’m ready, I want you, please.

– Yes, but… wait... Condom, and eh.. lube.  

That’s right, of course. Protection. Even breaths out a shaky breath. They are adult, reasonable people. He pushes away the sting of frustration. – Yes, right, shit.  I have some in my drawers.

He throws himself around and fumbles by the edge of the bed, opens the drawer, and searches it eagerly.

– Here.

Isak grabs the condom, and fights the wrapping just as fervently as Even. Even helps him with the lube, with shaking hands.

Then Isak is with him again, kissing him and holding him tight. – I want this, Even, he mumbles towards his skin. – I want you so much.

– Take me, Even says. – Now.

Isak looks nervous, but determined and very turned on. His hands are shaking when he opens Even up again and positions himself. Then he grabs hold of his hips, and pushes slowly towards his rim, and into him.

_Finally._

Even whimpers, and Isak freezes, like he’s afraid he has hurt him. He hasn't. The feeling of his cock pushing inside is strange, but also very pleasurable.  

– No, please don't stop, Even begs – come on, I’m ready. Just take it slow...

– Fuck, yes…

Isak moves, and lets his dick sink further into him. _Oh, fuck, that is good_. Even moans; he has almost forgot how good this is, and now he can't do anything else than moaning and focusing on Isak, and the feeling building up in him. He must be some sort of freak, but he just loves the sensation of  Isak sinking into him. And Isak stares at him, with that lost look in his eyes, and he breaths heavily as he pulls out and pushes in again. Glides into him. Even moans again and again, and wraps his legs around Isak.

Isak moves, and stares, and breaths, and moans. – Fuck, this feels so good, he whispers, – you`re so good, Even…

Even moves his hips, and meets his movements, so that Isak can fill him up. It feels so hot, and good, that Even just manages to moan and grab onto Isak and the sheets. Isak thrusts deeper into him, leans back a little and pushes against that spot that gives him the most pleasure. _Oh fuck_. Even is shaking now. The feeling is so overwhelming that he doesn't know what to do.

Isak looks dazed, like he’s close to coming. His dark green eyes look into his. For a moment, Even feels like the world shifts, and it`s like he sees and feels two of Isak. One Isak is now, and one Isak is somewhere else. Or sometime else. Both have the same green need in their eyes. Both fill him up inside. Even doesn`t care that he's probably slipping out of reality, this feeling is everything he wants.

The world falls into place again, but the feeling lingers, Isak fills him up and hits his spot and Even moans. – Please…

– I`m so... close, Isak moans. – Even...

Isak reaches for Even’s dick, and strokes it, pushing in and out of him at the same time. Even gasps, and feels bombarded with sensations. The feelings become too much, so much that he almost wants to cry, or laugh, or lose himself completely. He hasn’t got a chance. Something bursts, he shouts out and comes, shaking and shivering all over. Shaking and laughing at the same time, when Isak follows him the next moment, with a deep groan.

 

##  **Isak: Isak’s Flat**

Isak wakes up with the sun in his face and with Even’s arm around him. He lies with closed eyes listening to Even’s heartbeats and calm breath, wondering how long he gets to feel Even next to him, before he runs off. _Everybody runs off._ It`s how it works. Isn't it?

Isak feels raw and vulnerable, like the sex has made all his feelings come out in the open, unprotected and sensitive. God, he loves the sensation of Even next to him. He wants this so much. It feels so right, somehow. To be honest, it feels like he has been with Even like this before. Like he has known him for years and _belongs_ with him.

 _What is this?_ Isak doesn't believe in fate, things that are meant to be, or shit like that. He feels dizzy. For a second, he can sense another, younger Even, next to him, in another bed. The two of them lying like in a bubble, smoking, laughing and talking. Then a glimpse of an empty bed, and the overwhelming disappointment. And finally, a surprising moment of relief, and a Even`s lips against his own (in a locker room?). Isak shivers. It feels so real, but he must have an overactive imagination. Maybe it`s a rest from a dream or something?

Isak only knows that he doesn't want this to end. He wants Even`s body next to him _forever_. He snuggles into Even. _Don’t leave me_ , he wants to beg, but he doesn't.

He’s in Even’s flat, anyway. If anyone is leaving, it`s Isak. He sighs. He probably should, too. The two of them are too different to last. Aren’t they? Even with his enthusiasm, charm and movies, and Isak with his… books and bad moods. They can't possibly match. He should leave. He just doesn't want to. He wants to lie here, and enjoy Even`s warm body next to his, and his arm holding him close.

The evening and night before is almost in a blur. He and Even fucked, and slept, and blew each other off, and ate a little, smoked a joint, and kissed, and fucked again, and Isak doesn't quite know how long they kept on doing it. Even seemed to have enormous amounts of energy, waking him up for more, again and again. All the fucking, and kissing, and touching, made Isak sensitive all over, it was like Even opened parts of him that he didn`t know of. Both physically and emotionally. So he moaned and breathed and shook and mumbled and shouted, and it was like Even pushed and pulled and drove him so far that he lost himself.

For a moment it truly felt like he _did_ lose himself. It was like he was in another time and place, but with Even. It was unreal, just like those other strange moments he has had lately (just like the one this morning). He had felt Even from another time and place put Isak`s dick in his mouth, as the same time as _his_ Even did, and it was... like the first time in his life. Like he never had been touched by a boy before. And it was like he was standing in his room (and the weirdest part was the fact that it looked exactly like his room in the collective). At the same time he was in Even`s bed, enjoying Even`s far more experienced hands, tongue and lips. It was like he was two places at once, and it was such a strange, overwhelming feeling.

It must have been… What could it have been? Isak doesn`t want to think too much about that. It was probably just sex driven, romantic fantasies, nothing else. He doesn't want to think of the alternative; that he probably is losing it for real.

 _Harmless sex-driven fantasies, that`s all_.

Isak sighs. Even was relentless last night, that`s for sure. Isak finally had to cave in somewhere around three o'clock at night, and fell asleep. Or went into what felt like a coma, more likely.

And now he is tired, thin-skinned, far too emotional and slightly horny. Wishing for something that might be over in just a moment.

Isak opens his eyes, and meets Even’s blue gaze. _Wow, those eyes_.

Even smiles at him. – Feeling fine?

– Mm yes.

He doesn't dare to say more, afraid that his voice will break. 

When Even’s mouth meets his own, it’s like they both are testing the waters. Even`s lips and tongue are so soft against his, and Isak sighs into his mouth. Even hums, and strokes his back and butt, pulling him even closer. Isak shivers.

Even lies back and looks at him, while he lets his fingers stroke the curls at his temple. Isak almost feels like he is drowning in his eyes. It`s almost too much. Isak rolls onto his back for a moment, still close to Even. He feels safe and warm, and he never wants to leave.

They start to talk about small, meaningless things, and Isak loves it. They talk about movies they have seen, and Even marvels some more about Baz Luhrmann. – Romeo + Juliet was one of my favorites for years, you know. I`m glad I got you to see it. Did you love it?

– Uh, yeah, Isak has to admit.

He doesn't say that one of the main reasons he loved it, was that it seemed to give him a glimpse of who that strange and gorgeous kid from the christmas concert was. It was like he got to see a part of the stranger`s inner world. But when Isak thinks some more about it, he loved it for other reasons, too.

– I loved that I got sucked into the action from the start, he says. – And the vibrant colors and the music.

– The music is amazing, Even nods.

– I thought the acting was good, too.

Even looks at him with a smile in his eyes. – Leo was good, eh?

– Yeah. And – , Isak hesitates. – I don't know. The movie just got to me. All that love, passion and grief. I felt like I was drowning in the end, it was so much.

He doesn't say that it even made him cry.

– Yeah.

Even looks at him in silence for a while, like he has surprised him, or made him wonder about something. His fingers stroke his hair by his temple.

– Maybe we could watch another Luhrmann movie tonight?

Isak smiles, dizzy about the thought of doing more later. _Together_. – I could do that, he says.

They lie for a while, kissing, hugging and laughing. They find another of Even`s old joints, and have a smoke. – I rarely smoke anymore, Even says, laughing – but this is a special occasion.

– Yeah?

– Yeah.

Even blows out the smoke and passes the joint to Isak.

– Well, I haven't smoked much since high school, Isak admits. – It was not that common with the students I knew Trondheim.

– Wow, high school, Even laughs.

Isak feels a little lightheaded. He gives Even back the joint, moves closer to him, and lies his head on his shoulder. He feels so good and safe, like he`s in a bubble. It's strange to think that they met once, when they went to high school, and now they are here, together.

– It was such a weird coincidence that we met, Isak mutters, after a while.

Even looks at him, then back at the ceiling. – You mean, like it was meant to be? Do you believe that?

– What?

Isak`s head spins. He thinks about the weird feelings he has lately, and he shivers.

– Do you believe that some things are meant to be? Even asks. His eyes are so blue and bright, it almost hurts.

Isak rolls over, so he faces Even. – Nah, not really, he admits. He doesn't believe in that, does he? He believes in science. Evolution. Logical explanations. – What about you?

– I don't know, I often think life is like a movie, Even says, with a little smile on his mouth. – That one can sort of be the director of one's own life. Do you get what I mean?

– I do...

Isak smiles a little, too. This topic amuses him, it`s one of the topics that always has drawn him to science and research. _How does the world work? What's the meaning of it all? Can you decide your own destiny or not?_

– I don't quite agree, though, he says.

Even looks surprised, and a little amused. – You don't agree?

– Nah... What's really interesting is the infinity.

Even stares at him. – What?

Isak gets eager, this is something he has thought about for years. – You know, they say that if the universe is infinite, then there must be lots of parallel universes. Think about the possibilities!

Isak`s voice falters, as something shifts, and he suddenly hears his own words, like from another time or place. “ _All the parallel universes, and all, kind of, how big everything is, and how small we are compared to the infinite parallel universes that exist, and... everything that can happen is going to happen. Or not just going to happen, it`s happening”._

What the fuck is happening? Even still looks at him, like he is waiting. Isak`s mind must be tricking him. He swallows, feeling lightheaded, and his words rush out of him:

– Imagine… imagine how big everything is, and how small we are, and... Everything that can happen is going to happen. It is happening. I'm sure that in a parallel universe there's an Isak and an Even who's lying in the exact same way in the exact same place, only, like...

_Like the curtains are of a different color or something._

– Like the curtains are of a different color or something, Even interrupts, looking a little distant. – Like yellow curtains, yeah?

Isak stares at him. That was _exactly_ what he thought. How did Even know that?

_What the fuck is happening?_

Just a coincidence, he says to himself. Just his mind playing tricks.

Even looks a little pale, but he laughs, and strokes Isak`s back. – No... I think you've had enough jay now.

Isak almost forgets the strange moment, feeling a little offended. _Enough jay? What the fuck?_ The idea of parallel universes isn't _that_ far fetched.

– Haven't you ever thought about that?

Even suddenly looks serious, almost sad and scared at the same time. – Yeah, but it just makes me feel so... I don't know, lonely.

Isak doesn’t quite get it. The thought of parallel universes has always comforted him, somehow. Like maybe another Isak in another universe can have a better life, with a healthy mother, parents that stick together, and maybe there can be a better version of him that doesn't hurt his friends and isolates himself. Maybe the other Isak meets Even in high school. That would have been something.

– It's interesting, though, he protests.

Even thinks for a beat, then he shakes his head. – No, I don't like it, man, he says and looks at the ceiling. He looks vulnerable.  – It freaks me out a little. Like... The infinity is huge, and the thought of it makes me feel... alone. That like... it's your head... it's you and your head... and all of your thoughts.

Isak doesn't know why Even`s words make him tremble. – Alone in your head, what do you mean?

Even stares into his eyes, looking sad. – A "The Mind is Alone" feeling. Because the only thing that exists is you and your thoughts, right? You can't escape from your own thoughts.

Even has an almost hard (or is it fearful?) look in his eyes. – The only way to do that is to die.

Isak swallows. He sure as hell doesn't like the sound of that. Still, that sentence resonates in him somehow. Like he has heard it before? And not only in the song, of course he has heard the song. He has heard _the mind is alone_ , just like this, and he has heard _the only way to do that is to die_ , and it`s like it should mean something to him. Like a warning. But it also feels too depressing. And scary, to be honest. He doesn’t like it.

– That's dark, though, he whispers.

Even still looks into his eyes. – Yeah, but haven't you ever thought about that?

– I guess I have, he admits, – but I can't say I like it.

Even smiles, and pulls him closer. They are silent for a little while. Isak has a strange, eerie feeling, that he can`t place. He has tried to push it away, but now he can't seem to do it anymore. It`s like he has been with Even like this before, and had this talk with him before. It`s like he hears an echo from another conversation, between another Isak and Even, about parallel universes and the lonely mind, and it's almost painful, because he senses how this other Isak and Even didn't fully understand each other, and it`s... He wants to understand. And… Is this what they call _déjà vu_?

It's almost ironic, Isak thinks, here they talk about other universes, and _what if?_ What if there actually could be another universe, where he really met Even in another situation, like in high school, and they still had this talk. And what if _he_ , this Isak here and now,  actually could tap into it, somehow?

It`s nonsense, of course. It must be.

Isak turns to watch Even, and sees that he is somewhat lost in his thoughts, as well. When Even turns to him, he has a strange light in his eyes, but he says nothing.  Isak forgets everything when Even kisses him slowly, holding him close. Isak tries not to think about life outside this bubble, or strange moments or parallel universes.

Even kisses him, looks at him, and plays with his hair. – I know that we should talk, and find out things, he whispers, – but sometimes I just want to escape everything. And now, I want to hide a little longer. Can we do that?

Isak nods. He could hide with Even forever. Or at least for a while. He knows he has time; the appointment for the job interview is later.

– We can do that, he says.

He stares at the ceiling for a moment, wondering when Even finally will kick him out. Because it will happen, he is certain of it. He just wants to forget it a little longer. Just like Even, he wants to hide, in this bubble of content. He draws Even closer and kisses him, deeply and slowly, and Even`s lips soften under his.

Even draws back a little, and strokes a hair lock away from Isak’s face. He smiles weakly, and his eyes glimmer.  – You know, I thought I could manage to take it slow, he says, almost like he talks to himself.

Isak huffs. – You know, I tried to slow us down yesterday, but something distracted me.

Even’s eyebrows shoot up. – Yeah?

– Yeah. Something hot and wild and reckless.

Isak grins at Even, feeling laughter bubbling behind his grin.

Even stares back at him, with a little smile. He raises one eyebrow.

– What? asks Isak.

– Are you teasing me, Isak?

– Yeah, so?

– You don’t strike me as the teasing type.

– I guess you’re wrong, Even, Isak says and laughs a little. – Or maybe I'm just off guard today.

Even smiles, and kisses him again. – I don’t know, but you look relaxed.

Isak smiles back. – I _am_ relaxed, he admits. – I think you have a calming effect on me.

It´s true. Isak doesn’t feel that raw or emotional anymore, just safe. Calm. At home. This is so _right_. He doesn't know if it`s because of all his strange déjà vu feelings, but he definitely feels like this is something more than a regular hook up.

He sighs. – Anyway, I’m thirsty.

He doesn’t want to leave bed, but he must, if he's going to get some water. He sits up and is about to get out, but Even pushes him back down.

– Come here, he says, and clings to him.

Isak can feel his whole body against his. Even is warm, and naked, and _there_. Isak suddenly feels a pounding desire in his body. It's like all the closeness and the touches have turned on a switch in him. Oh God, he wants this. Even if this doesn't last forever, he wants to make the most of it. He relishes it when Even holds him down, kisses him, and touches him, and makes him hard again.

– Even… 

He doesn’t know what he`s about to say.

Even looks at him with dark blue eyes. – I know things happened a little fast, he mutters. – and you maybe didn't sign up for all this.

His hands make Isak shiver. – But I want this morning, Even whispers, and kisses him again. He kisses Isak`s neck, and mumbles as he kisses. – I want more. I want to have this morning… with you.

Isak trembles. – Okay, I know, I want… 

Even shuts his mouth with a new kiss, then he kisses down his chest and belly. – I am going to blow you, Isak, can I do that?

– Jesus, _faen_ , yes…

Even slowly kisses his neck, chest and stomach, looking up at Isak as he trails his stomach towards his hips. Isak stares as Even bends down between his legs and takes his dick in his mouth. He looks gorgeous, and the feeling is overwhelming. Isak enjoys the wet, wonderful mouth, and sighs, moans and hold on to his hair.

Isak has never needed anything like he needs Even this moment. All his worries and insecurities melt away with Even`s touch. Even is like pure energy over him, even if he takes it slow, he is vibrating pulsing, and full of life.

Even looks up at him, with a needy look in his eyes.

– Oh, Isak, I need you inside of me, one more time.

Isak shivers. – Uh, okay.

He can do that. Isak loves to both fuck and be fucked, and if Even needs him, he’ll provide. He is about to get up, when Even pushes him down and straddles over him, with his knees up. – I am going to ride you, he mumbles.

Isak looks at him, unable to do much more than moan and enjoy the sight. Even looks amazing over him, with crazy hair and hazy eyes. He looks focused, horny, and something undefinable, almost like he is sad. His blue, bright  eyes look at Isak as if he tries to photograph him in his mind. Isak shivers, suddenly realizing that this might be their last time together. It's like Even`s melancholy transfers over to him and mixes with his hot desire, and it`s almost unbearable. Isak shuts his eyes to hide that his eyes sting. This can't be the last time with Even. He can`t lose this.

 _This morning_ , Even said. At least they'll have this morning. Maybe that would have to be enough? Even slowly bends over Isak, tangles his fingers in his hair and strokes his open mouth against his neck. Isak sighs, and loses himself in the feelings. Somehow, the sadness and lust mix together and heighten his sensations. It`s like everything`s more intense, like the the need turns into a slow burning desperation. Even lays his mouth over his. His lips are soft and wet and make Isak tingle all over. Isak opens his lips hungrily and invites him in, so they kiss even deeper. Even`s silent moans vibrate inside him.

Isak`s body is heavy with lust. Even sits up again, finds a condom and lube, and preps himself. Looking at Isak. Always looking at Isak. The sight makes Isak shake even more. His dick is so ready it almost hurts.

– Please… he mumbles, grabbing the sheets.

Even smiles a slow, shaky smile. – Sh, babe, it`s okay… _slapp av, jeg har deg_.

He lets himself carefully sink on top of Isak, leaning his head back as Isak pushes through.

– Oh, fuck, Isak, yes… he moans, pushing down, – this feels so… good.

Isak just shivers, holds on and looks. Feeling the warm tightness and looks. Even looks back at him with something dark in his eyes, that Isak doesn't know how to interpret. Lust? Sadness? Fondness? Desperation? A little bit of everything? Isak shakes. The sight of Even over him and the amazing tight feeling around his cock makes him give a sound, and he doesn't know what it is. He doesn't care. Even moves, and Isak breathes, moans and gives all sorts of sounds. He allows himself to fully enjoy the sensations and forget everything else. Even is all that matters. Isak moves, and moans, and lets his hands stroke over Even's body.

They do it slow, this time, slow like they never want to stop. Isak wants to have Even like this forever. Even moves carefully over him, like he is slow dancing to a song only he can hear. Isak meets his movements, trying to follow his lead. Even`s hands are all over him, holding him and stroking him, and making him feel so touched that he never has been before.

It`s almost too slow, though. Isak feels like he is dying. He needs Even _closer_. He needs _more_. He raises his knees, and lifts his hips, moving Even forward, and pulling him closer, so he can bend over him, and so they can kiss and grab and touch each other. So they can see each other.

Even hovers over him, raising and sinking in a achingly slow pace. He looks like he`s lost in the sensations; he is breathing heavily with an open mouth, and has shut his eyes.

– Look at me, Isak begs, in a shuddering voice. – I want you to… look at me.

Even opens his dazed blue eyes and stares into his. When their eyes meet, and Isak sees how close Even is, he almost loses it.

– I`m… I`m coming, he stutters.

– Wait – Even suddenly sits still on him for a moment, breathing heavily. Obviously he doesn't want Isak to come yet. – Just wait... I need to… I wanna feel you inside when I...

He strokes his own dick looking into Isak`s eyes. Always looking. _Those eyes…_ Isak longs to move, but can only watch, lingering in the feeling of almost coming, while Even gets closer and closer to coming. And Isak wants to come so much. – Please, he mutters, trying to hold his hips still, so he can last longer for Even. – Please, please, please.

And _finally_ , when Even`s just about to come, he moves over Isak again, lifting himself and sinking over his dick, giving him the sensation he craves. Leaning back, so Isak hits his spot just right. Holding Isak’s gaze with half lidded eyes. _Finally_. Isak can`t hold back any longer. He thrusts his hips up to meet him, the feeling is almost too much to bear.

– Ja… Even moans, holding onto his dick, shooting over Isak`s stomach. – Come with me, Isak…

Even`s shining eyes are locked to his.

Isak comes, shouting his name. Losing himself in the sensations.

Afterwards, when they lie on their backs, panting and smiling, Even looks almost guilty. He strokes Isak`s hair at his temple.

– I have to tell you something, he says. – I have to tell you a lot of things, but I really have to tell you this…

Isak groans. His mind doesn’t work, he`s zoned out, and thirsty. He wants to cuddle, and talk, but he needs some water.

– Oh, wait a sec, he mutters, untangling himself from Even’s arm. He finds his boxers and puts them on. His legs shivers after the orgasm. – I just need some water. I am really thirsty.

– No... Don’t leave me... Even protests, and tries to hold him back. He’s partly joking, but for a moment Isak swears he can see real worry in his eyes. Then Even smiles. – Please stay...

Isak smiles back. – I'm not leaving you.

He kisses him and laughs, but feels strangely nervous when he gets out of bed. What is Even so eager to tell him? What secrets does he have? A hidden boyfriend or girlfriend or something? Or is he going to tell Isak to get out? Isak stumbles to where he thinks the kitchen is.

When he approaches the kitchen, he freezes in the doorway. He has seen this kitchen before. _How can that be possible?_ He slowly looks around. He has seen the hallway, too. He turns around, and looks into the living room. All of it looks far too familiar. What does this mean?

– _Even?_ he says, alarmed.

– Yeah, you’re right.

Isak spins around, with his jaw open. – What? 

Even stands by the door to his room, only in his boxers, and looks at him with an alarmingly guilty look. – Uhm, yeah, you recognize the flat, don't you? You're right. I tried to tell you. It’s because it’s the one –

– The one I’m supposed to rent!

Isak stares angrily at Even. – What the fuck, Even? You are the tenant who hasn’t moved out yet? 

 _What are the odds for that, then?_ He meets one guy in Oslo, and 1) it`s the one and only guy he met at a church concert and pined after years ago, and 2) it`s the tenant that refused to leave his flat? _His_ flat? _What the fuck?_

Isak is dizzy. Even if he never has been superstitious, he has this strange feeling like the universe is trying to tell him something. Or fuck with him. Either way, Even feels connected to him, somehow, and all these coincidences seem to support that feeling. But of course that`s nonsense. He`s just imagining things. Probably because Even has fooled him since the moment Isak told him about his flat.

He shivers in anger. – How could you just lie to me like that? Did you lie all the time?

– Isak, please –

– How can that even be? That’s not a coincidence, it’s _impossible_! And how long did you know? You knew from the start, didn't you? Why didn't you just tell me?

Even smiles a little, looking ashamed. – I’m sorry. I guessed it when you told me about your flat, but I first knew when you told me the address. I wanted to tell you earlier, I really did. But when we started to walk, and talk about this and that, it never seemed right. And I tried to tell you this morning, I just… couldn’t.

 _Unbelievable_.

– This is just fucking…

– Yeah it’s unbelievable, Even finishes. He looks lost. – But it’s really true. I just didn't know what to do, you see. I just wanted you. You can say I got carried away. And I was afraid you would just hate me when you found out.

– You're fucking right I would! Isak shouts. – I have the right to rent this place, I have signed the contract and everything! Why have you refused to leave?

– Our landlord has rented out to you before my contract goes out. He maybe thought I would give in. But I can’t; I have no other place to stay.

– I don’t have a place to stay either. 

Even looks guilty. – I know. I’m sorry, I know. But please don't leave. Not yet. Can’t you please stay a little, and at least have a coffee and... some breakfast?

– What the fuck, Even! Isak shouts. – Do you think breakfast changes anything?

Even blushes. – Of course not, but I thought you could have a look at the flat. And maybe we can find a solution or something. Don't you think so?

Isak must laugh. It`s a bitter laugh. Here he thought that Even wanted him to stay because he _liked_ him, and now it seems like it’s all about finding a solution about the flat. Isak feels something tightening in his throat, and he swallows. This shit hurts. He had thought he found something special in Even, but now he only feels used. Like he was a easy fix and some good sex in a package. Fuck.

– I`ll make you something to eat, Even says. – Please.

Isak sighs. Oh well. He is tired, thirsty and hungry, and Even looks at him with those begging eyes. He just can’t say no. He still doesn't feel good about it, though.

– Okay. Fine. I guess I can stay for breakfast.

Even’s bright smile gives him a tight feeling in his chest, but he follows the other into the kitchen, without a word.

 

##  **Even: The Kitchen**

Even makes them scrambled eggs (of course he tells Isak about the sour cream, the secret ingredient), bacon and grilled cheese toasties for breakfast, and is happy when he manages to find some tomatoes to make the meal look somewhat healthy. Isak makes some tea and coffee for them, fussing with the kettle. Even is feeling fine. He feels so good. Everything is good, or is going to be. He`s sure of it. Isak is maybe a little grumpy, but it`s going to be fine.

Even had been so afraid that Isak would leave once he found out about the flat. And he was so sad to make love to Isak for the very last time. He had been so sure that he only had that morning with Isak, and that he would fuck everything up in the end, so he took what he could get. Weirdly enough, the sadness and lust had been a strangely intoxicating mix, that made him feel everything stronger.

Then Isak recognized the flat, and of course he was pissed. But Isak is still here, though. There is still hope.

And that`s the reason that Even feels fine. He`s going to fix this. He has to. He ignores every thought that he`s too messed up, and that he always messes everything up. It doesn't have to be like that. Not this time. He and Isak aren't over yet.

The slightly tense feeling between them loosens up while they make the food. Even does all he can to keep Isak`s mind off everything that can be difficult. He makes a show of making both the eggs and the toasties. And Isak watches him with amusement and a hint of laughter in his eyes. Isak even jokes with him a little and makes him put cardamom on the cheese toasties (we can't go back now, Even says, and Isak repeats it). Cardamom! It`s ridiculous. Even is amused that Isak seems a little awkward and lost in the kitchen. He suspects that the guy isn’t exactly a gourmet cook.

They set the table, and it's maybe not a fancy hotel breakfast, but it's not bad. Even is a little jittery, on the one hand happy that Isak has chosen to stay, but on the other hand afraid that he has irritated Isak so much that he will leave. He should have told him about the flat at once; he knows that. The nerves make him hum to the songs on the radio, and tap his fingers on the counter.

At first they eat in silence at the kitchen table. Isak sits far too far away for Even`s taste. He wishes that Isak would sit closer to him, so he could touch him. Kiss him. But maybe this is better. They should probably not fool around too much, with the way the situation is.

God, he was an idiot yesterday. Even if he was a little hypomanic, it was stupid to drag Isak home bed to fuck him. By all means, Even has had his fair share of casual sex, especially after he broke up with Sonja. He has no scruples about it. He just knows he is ready for something that lasts longer, and casual sex has never been the best way to find something long lasting. Furthermore, he knows the risk that the casual sex, at least lots of it, triggers hyper sexuality and sometimes can make him slip over the edge. Make him manic.

But he's not manic now. No, and he's not going to be. He’s fine. He`s just happy. And a little nervous. And maybe just a little bit on his way up. Possibly.

Even never has those big highs or lows anymore; he is medicated and mostly has some control. So why he almost lost it yesterday, he doesn't quite understand. Luckily, he didn't totally slip over the edge. He lost himself a bit in the sex, yeah, and stayed awake too long, but he seems fine now. He still feels a little lightheaded, but it's manageable. He has taken his medicine. He did get a couple of hours of sleep, too, and maybe that`s enough this time. And maybe, if he's lucky, he doesn't have to crash too deep this time. He must just take it slow.

He looks at Isak, sitting like he`s warming his hands on the coffee mug. A grown, serious and gorgeous looking man in his kitchen. Well, Isak`s kitchen, really. Isak looks a little moody, but otherwise pretty content. Still, it`s strange to think that they just have fucked each other silly. That they have been that intimate. Even can still feel it. And here they are sitting, with almost a meter between them. A whole eternity in distance.

That was maybe the most important reason he shouldn’t have jumped Isak`s bones like his life depended on it (almost all night). Even had wanted to take it slow and get to know him, and see if they could become something more. There was something _special_ about Isak, something more than just a cute meeting. There was something more than the amazing coincidence that they met again, at the same place, after all those years. There was something that made Isak feel _right_.

Even knows it sounds cheesy, but it was like they were meant to be. It was like he fucking knew Isak before they met, for fucks sake. So he knows so well he should have taken it slow; should have made it last. But Isak had been too tempting, and the sex with him was too amazing to take anything slow. Even lets his eyes roam over Isak`s shoulders and his strong arms, that for just a little moment had been around him. He breaths a shuddering breath.

– Can you pass me the coffee? 

Even almost jumps. Isak has turned his head towards him, and watches him. Even smiles, to hide the heat in his face. – Yes, of course, here you are. 

He gives him the can, wishing that Isak could take a chance and dare to get to know him. Because Even wants him. Again. One night and morning in bed together just isn't enough. Slow, goddammit, _slow_. He needs to take it easy. He smiles weakly and takes a big bite of his grilled cheese toast.  

– Mm, good to finally get some food. 

He chews. – I never knew that cardamom was a thing on toast, though.

Isak looks at him and laughs. – A lot of cardamom is essential.

– Is that the trick? For it to be good?  
  
Even laughs, swallows the last bites, and licks the ketchup of his fingers.

Isak follows his movements with his eyes. – It seems like something has given you a good appetite, he says.

Even laughs silently, and wonder if Isak knows that he has been thinking about him. – That`s right, he says, and holds Isak`s gaze, even if he knows he shouldn't. He knows this is a bad idea. The whole thing is probably a bad idea. He knows they are quite different, and that they have had a rocky start, and he should take it easy. He knows that Isak is a little pissed at him, and that he should be careful. He looks at Isak, and tries to push away the wish to send him another seductive smile. But when their eyes meet, he sees a knowing light under Isak’s dark eyelashes. Even smiles faintly at him.

The seconds pass as they stare at each other in hot silence. When Even finally manages to look away, his face is burning and his limbs feel heavy. He wants Isak. Again. How is it possible? How can this man turn him on, only by watching him?

The only thing Even wants, is to take Isak into the room again and fuck him. Maybe this time, if Isak wants to, he could try to come inside of Isak again. But Isak is probably too careful to come with him just like that. And probably too pissed, too. Even sighs, and shifts in his chair.

Isak suddenly looks frustrated. – So, Even, what solution do you have in mind, then? he asks.

– Huh?

Isak holds his gaze. – What should we do about the flat? You need a place to stay until the contract goes out, and I need a place to stay. How do we fix this?

Even bites his lower lip. – Well, I thought we could share. What do you think?

– Share?

Even nods, and taps his fingers against the table. – Yeah, you know, the flat has two bedrooms, so I thought we could be roommates, just until I find something new? I know I am asking a lot, but I could pay the rent?

– Roommates.

– Yes.

Isak hesitates a moment. – Did you think about this solution yesterday? You didn't think that bringing me here and fucking me could complicate things?

Even blushes. – I don't know if I thought much at all, he admits. – But yes, I had the idea yesterday. And my plan was to tell you all about it. But then… I kind of lost it. I still think we can be roommates, though. Don't you?

Isak just looks at him.

Even bites his lip, he wants to solve this. – It will only be for a short time. And I won't disturb you much, I promise.

Isak looks at him with doubt in his eyes. – You won`t?

– No, I will be invisible. Silent as a mouse. I work all day, and at night you'll never know I`m here. What do you think; do you think it could work?

Isak thinks for a moment, and then he just sighs. – Fine. But I want a shelf for my things in the bathroom, in the kitchen cabinet and the fridge.

– You can have more than that, Even laughs, happy to have found a solution.

Isak stays silent for a longer moment, only looking at his hands.

– So, are we just roommates, then, and nothing more? he asks. His face is without an expression. – I guess that`s the wisest thing to do, right now?

Even sighs, feeling his heart sink. He knows he wants more; he wants Isak so much it hurts. But while he is so close to the edge, it's probably wise to take it slow. He draws his breath.

– Yeah, I guess that`s the wisest, he says.

– Okay.

Isak nods, but doesn’t meet his eyes.

_No no no no no._

Even hesitates. – I have never been very wise, though.

Isak looks up at him. – What do you mean?

Even’s heart beats fast in his chest. – I really like you, Isak. I didn't plan this. What if we just take it slow and are... like… roommates with benefits, and see where it leads us?

The careful light in Isak`s eyes gives Even a tight feeling in his chest.

– So you didn't just bring me home to get an easy fix to your problem, then?

– Nei! Even laughs. – I like you, Isak, and I want to get to know you.

Isak`s smile almost lights up the room. – So… Roommates with benefits, huh? he laughs.

– Yeah.

Even smiles, feeling giggly, happy and brave. – Roommates that kiss and fuck and make out and try to get to know each other.

– I can do that, Isak says.

Even sits closer to Isak and takes his hand. Even realizes this fucking roommates thing could be a stupid move, but he doesn't care. When Isak looks at Even, his eyes are so shy, happy and hungry at the same time, that Even has to kiss him. Isak`s lips are soft and tempting, and Even wants to lose himself in the kiss, but he sighs and pulls back. They need to talk some more.

Isak looks at his lips, and his eyes, and Even can still see careful joy and thirst in his eyes. He looks at Even like he`s something great. And that's another thing, too. Even knows he's notgreat. He knows he should tell Isak that he has bipolar disorder, and that he can be more than unpredictable. But he doesn't know how to. He should try, though.

– So, what does your family think about you having a roommate with benefits, do you think? he asks.

Isak huffs a laugh.

Even feels brave. – Or maybe even a boyfriend?

Isak looks at him with his big eyes, and suddenly he looks younger than he is. – I think it would be fine.

– Yeah?

Isak looks a little embarrassed. – Well, to be honest I have never come out to my parents, so I don't know… But my dad would probably not object to it.

– But your mom would?

Isak sighs, looking nervous. – My mom is kind of nuts.

The harsh words make Evens chest tighten. At the same time, Isak looks so sad, it hurts to watch. Even just knows he is not going to like this. _Careful, now, careful_ , he thinks. He must not show Isak his reaction.

– In what way?

Isak looks embarrassed. – She... No, I mean, it's all crazy. Sorry, I don't mean to be rude about anything, but she has a mental illness. She quotes bible verses and thinks the world is about to end. She probably fears that I will go to hell. She has schizophrenia.

– Okay...

– But anyway, yeah. She doesn't mean much, I haven't talked much to her since I moved out.

Even doesn’t know how he manages to hide his feelings, but he knows he does. – Is it a long time ago?

Isak shrugs. – Well, I moved out the second year at Nissen.

He wavers, looking away. – My dad had left us in first grade, and I tried to stay for her, and help her, but after a while… I just couldn’t stand it anymore. It was too much responsibility, you know? I feel shit about it, really, but I just couldn’t stay. Luckily I met Eskild, and could stay at his collective.

Even nods, suddenly feeling the urge to comfort him. – So you're not in contact with your parents anymore?

The world shifts again. And he is sitting here, in his kitchen, with Isak, at the same time as he is standing in front of Isak (in a locker room?), and he hears the words: _I have sort of decided that my life is better without mentally ill people around me_ , and his world crumbles _._

He's not even surprised anymore. He shivers, as he dreads what his Isak is about to say.

– Well, I am, Isak says, –  more than back then, but not that much. I have sort of decided that my life is better without mentally ill people around me.

 _Fuck_. Even looks down, hiding his eyes while he lets it sink in. _Fuck, this is bad_. Isak doesn’t want mentally ill people in his life. Well, fuck, to be honest, it seems like he shouldn’t have any. The hurt and anger in his voice when he talks of his parents, makes Even realize that he must protect Isak, from himself, too. Isak doesn’t need someone like Even in his life, someone that only will make chaos, and hurt him and make him hate him. Isak is better off without him, so Even must stay away. And Isak must never know why. Even needs to make Isak believe that he just doesn’t want anything more. So that Isak can move on and find something better.

Even puts on a small smile, and raises his head.

Isak looks at him, and knows nothing about how much he hurts on the inside. Isak still looks nervous. – What do you think your family, then, would say about... me?

The look on his face, makes Even`s heart break into thousand pieces. Isak looks so _young_ , and so full of fear and hope.

Even swallows his tears back, lets his hand stroke through Isak`s hair and neck one more time, and kisses him. – I think they'd love you.  
  
  


##  **Isak: The Texts**

Isak is in a good mood. After the morning with Even and the job interview, he feels lighter than he has in years. He had managed to turn on his charm 100 %, and the principal seemed happy with his education and experience. He is pretty sure he has a job. Biology teacher. At Nissen. Maybe not the job he dreams of, but it`s better than nothing. He sends a text to Even, just to let him know it went well:

 

EVEN ❤

Isak: Hi, Even, I just finished the interview, and now I fear I will end up like Nipple, my old biology teacher. Anyway, I'm just so happy I met you. Do you want to do something later? ❤

 

When he doesn't get an answer at once, Isak doesn't think much of it. After the breakfast, Even was in a hurry to go to work, after all. Isak is pretty sure he`s busy all day.

His heart still skips a beat, when he hears his phone ping. He tries not to be too disappointed when he sees it`s from his mother.

 

MAMMA

Mamma: _Have mercy on me, O God, according to your unfailing love; according to your great compassion blot out my transgressions. Wash away all my iniquity and cleanse me from my sin. For I know my transgressions, and my sin is always before me. Against you, you only, have I sinned and done what is evil in your sight; so you are right in your verdict and justified when you judge. Surely I was sinful at birth, sinful from the time my mother conceived me. (Psalm 51)_

Isak sighs. His mother must be having a tough time again. He doesn’t understand these messages. To be honest, he doesn't understand how his mother can believe this nonsense, that has no foundation in facts. He wishes he could comprehend it. He wishes that his mother's sickness and beliefs didn’t make this invisible wall between them. He wishes he could be open with his mother about everything. His sexuality, too. He fears that she believes he`ll go to hell for it. And a part of him fears that she will push him away, if he ever shares who he is with her.

He puts his phone away. He won`t let his mother's text bring him down, though. This is a good day. He can't believe how lucky he has been, to be honest. He had been sure that Even would just kick him out after he got what he wanted, but now it seems like they have a _thing_. Everything is good. Even the sun is shining, it’s like it’s reflecting how ridiculously happy he is. He takes a walk around Oslo centrum, just soaking Oslo in, and taking it easy.

The joy of everything makes Isak full of a restlessness, that he doesn't know how to get rid of. He has found someone, for the first time since… forever. It`s near a miracle, really. To be honest, he wants to share this with someone. He sits down at a bench, and picks up his phone again.

Isak wants Jonas. Jonas was always the one he could talk to, no matter what happened. Jonas always supported him, no matter what. Isak knows he should send a text to him, and at least tell him that he`s in Oslo.  It's about time they meet up again. _Well, that`s an understatement_. He hesitates. They haven't spoken in years. Not for real. They have maybe exchanged polite greetings a couple of times, but nothing more. Isak knows he has let it go too far. Will Jonas talk to him at all?

It`s not that he fears that Jonas holds a grudge towards him; Jonas is not like that. But he could be fed up with the years with radio silence.

Isak knows it’s irrational, but he’s still fearful of contacting Jonas. He doesn't know what to write, so he doesn't want to do it. Not now. Maybe he could text some of the others first, and preferably start with someone easier. Suddenly Isak remembers Eskild. His roomie and gay guru Eskild forgave him for his prejudices a long time ago, and they still bicker and tease each other, like they did back then. He finds Eskild`s number in the phone and sends him a text, which Eskild responds to immediately.

 

GURU ESKILD

Isak: Yo, Guru.

Eskild: Baby Isak! Are you alright? I haven`t heard from you in ages!

Isak: Chill, guru. Everything`s good. I`m just back in Oslo.

Eskild: The lost prodigy is back! Well, are you going to celebrate?

Isak: I don't know.

Eskild: You should have a party, Isak. Let your hair down.

Isak: Yeah, maybe.

Isak: You know, I think I have met someone. I don't know if it`s serious, though.

Eskild: I am so happy for you, Isak. It was about time, really.

Isak: Yeah.

Isak: So how are you then?

Eskild: Free as the wind, babe.

Isak: That`s not too bad.

Isak: I just want to thank you, for supporting me back then, you know.

Eskild: You want to thank your guru? It's okay, Isak. God knows you needed a little gay guru guidance.

Isak: I guess I did. Well, talk to you later, then, Gay Guru.

Eskild: Later, lovely.

Eskild: Know that you’re going to tell me more about that someone you met, okay?

Eskild: You know that right, Isak?

Eskild: Isak?

 

Isak smiles amused and lets Eskild`s questions

hang unanswered. Well, that wasn't bad. Maybe he could manage to send Jonas a message, after all. Or would it be easier to contact Eva? Isak sighs. No. It`s Jonas he needs to talk to. To be honest, Isak doesn`t know why it has become so difficult to contact Jonas again. Jonas may have been a little distant back when he told him his secrets, but he was never hateful. Isak wonders if one of the reasons it`s difficult, is that he`s ashamed that it has been so long. Well, the only rational thing to do, is to just go through with it. He texts out the message before he has time to regret it.

 

 

JONAS

Isak: Yo. I`m back in Oslo. Zup?

 

He stares at the phone. Soon he sees the dots starting to move. Jonas is answering something, right now. Isak’s pulse is like a thunder in his ears. What if Jonas doesn't want to talk to him, after all?

 

JONAS

Jonas: Yo, Izzy. I`m good, you know.

Isak: Good. It`s been a long time.

Jonas: That's not a lie...

Isak: So what are you doing tonight?

Jonas: Nothing much. We're having lasagna. Otherwise I plan to chill at home.

Isak: Would you like to meet up?

Jonas: Of course bro! Are you free after four? We could eat and have a talk. You know where we live, right?

Isak: We could do that, and yeah, I remember.

Jonas: Cool. Okay if I invite the others?

Isak: Sure! It's been a long time.

Jonas: Or maybe we just could chill, you and me?

Isak: That would be good, too. I can catch up with the guys later.

Jonas: Looking forward to seeing you again, Isak.

Isak: Me too.

Jonas: *thumb`s up*

 

Isak grins, feeling relieved and ridiculously happy. He wonders why he has felt like he and Jonas have become distant. Now it just feels like before. How is it possible? Jonas even understands that he would rather talk to him alone than the whole gang. Jonas is good that way; he gets him. He always has done.

Isak strolls through the streets and feels good, but restless. It takes a moment, before he realizes that he already misses Even, his kisses, and his touches. _Jesus, just after some hours._ He is a tool. Suddenly he remembers one of the hot moments in bed, when Even wrapped his mouth around his dick, and Isak blushes, and smiles. God, did that really happen? And more importantly – when can he have that again? He wonders if he’ll let Even fuck him again the next time. And he can think of some other things he would like to try, too. Well, he knows he has to keep himself busy for a little longer. Suddenly he wants to contact some of the others while he`s at it, so he sends a text to Sana, as well.

 

SANASOL

Isak: Halla, how`s my favourite biology partner?

Sana: Wow, Isak, texting me two days in a row? What`s up?

Isak: Well, I just want to keep you updated. Guess where I got a job? At Nissen!

Sana: Don't say you are going to be the Biology teacher.

Isak: I`m going to be the Biology teacher.

Sana: LOL

Isak: By the way, I met someone, too.

Sana: Like met someone for real? In Trondheim?

Isak: Nah, here.

Sana: That was fast!

Isak: Yeah, I guess. Don’t know if it´ll last. Hope so.

Sana: I would love that, Isak. I need the details, though. We should have some tea this weekend.

Isak: Huh, like I`m going to spill it.

Sana: Oh, you will.

Isak: Okay, we'll talk this weekend, then.

Sana: Yes, we will!

 

Isak smiles. That girl likes to be in charge. He pauses, suddenly remembering the text from his mother. The worries that always come when she texts him. He wants to ask Sana something, but doesn’t quite know how.

 

SANASOL

Isak: Can I ask you something?

Sana: Shoot.

Isak: I just wonder. As you study medicine and see how the world works, how do you make it fit into your beliefs?

Sana: Wow, that's not a small question. I don’t know, Isak, to be fair, I`m a little fed up about answering questions like this all the time. You know, everyone can see my faith, every day? Because of my hijab?

Isak: Yeah, I guess so. I get that. And you don’t have to answer me now, I just… Do you believe that there's a meaning behind the things that happens? Like if you meet someone, and it feels special?

Sana: I do.

Isak: So do you think you`ll see a sign, or maybe sense something, when you meet like a soulmate, or something?

Sana: What's up, Isak? Yes, I do believe in a meaning behind it all, and I sometimes believe we can get signs. It sure felt like that with Yousef. But then again, at other times it seemed like the universe worked against us. I think it was because I struggled a lot with accepting that I liked him. It was first when I accepted that Yousef had something to teach me, and that I had something to teach him, that things started to… work for us.

Isak: So you believe in fate, basically, but that we still have a choice?

Sana: Yes.

Isak: And how does that fit with the science?

Sana: You know as well as me that our world has too many amazing things that it can be about something random. There has to be something behind it all.

Isak: Maybe. But how can you trust that Allah decides what is right and wrong, like homosexuality, for instance?

Sana: I don't have a good answer to that, Isak. Not just now. I just believe that this world has more to it, than facts. I`d like to talk more to you about this, but I have to run. Later?

Isak: Later.

 

Isak doesn't quite feel better. He likes Sana`s faith in meaning, but with the classical human choice. He's not sure how it fits into the world of facts and science, though, and he still has a thousand questions, especially about religion and sin. Why is homosexuality a sin, if God has made him like this? He hopes that he will get the opportunity to talk more to Sana about this another time. Maybe he can find some answers that can help him get the courage to talk to his parents, for real.

He hesitates for a moment, thinking about Even`s question about his parents. He should tell them about Even. He knows he should. He fiddles with his phone, and tries to write something, before he deletes it all again. Writes, and deletes. In the end, he decides that he can tell them when he`s more certain that it`s for real. Even and him haven't defined anything other than that they want to be roommates with benefits, and that they want to see what happens. That's not exactly rock solid.

Isak stands up. He realizes that he should tell Even that he will be visiting Jonas this afternoon, so he doesn’t start to plan a dinner or something fancy like that. He sends a quick text, trying not to sound too needy.

 

EVEN ❤

Isak: Hi again, Even. I just spoke with, Jonas, you know that friend I mentioned, and we planned that I visit him at dinner time. It's  been years since we spoke for real, so that's good, you know? Hope I see you tonight. <3

 

When Isak doesn't get an answer, it makes him a little uneasy, but he decides not to think about it. Even is probably busy, and Isak has enough to do, to keep himself busy, too. He picks up some of his things at his mother's place, sharing some awkward hugs and a few words with her. He`s glad that she looks good; better than he feared. He still doesn't even consider telling her anything. Not now.

He brings the boxes with him on the tram, back to the flat. He doesn't have much stuff, and doesn't need much, at least not until the living arrangements gets more settled. The empty room at the flat has a bed, and the rest of the flat has furniture, so he is sort of lucky.

When he locks himself into the flat, he exhales, and enjoys the silence and the feeling of home. He really likes the atmosphere of the apartment. Even`s posters, clippings and drawings on the walls make him smile. He can't believe that this amazing guy likes him, and wants to spend time with him. That he even talks about maybe being boyfriends! Isak had been so scared that they would end up being a random one night stand, and that Even would push him away. Now it actually seems like this could become something that could last. That is, if Even hasn’t gotten cold feet. Is that the real reason why Even doesn’t answer the texts? Isak pushes the thought away.

He drags his things to his room and drops them on the floor. He plops down on his bed for a moment, and looks around. There’s a bed, a shelf and a desk and chair. No curtains. It still doesn’t look like someone lives here. He has made his bed, but he doesn't care to put everything else in place yet.

 _Even Bech Næsheim._ They're a thing. Maybe. Isak gets an idea, picks up his phone and looks for Even’s account on Insta. He doesn't find any. Not on Facebook, either. When he googles Even’s name, he gets luckier. He finds a video from when Even went to high school. In second grade. Even looks adorable, and so young that it’s almost painful to watch. His “best buddy”, Mikael, a brown eyed and dark haired charmer, is filming. Isak is charmed by the young Even, and jealous at his buddy. He wishes that he could have known Even back then. But of course, he can't go back in time.

Isak looks at the image of Even’s friend Mikael on the website, and suddenly he freezes. He gets a weird feeling that he has met that boy before. In a glimpse he senses jealousy, protectiveness, a fight, nosebleed, shame, a new friendship and a… party? It’s like he _knows_ this guy, even if he doesn't. How can this be?

Isak snaps out of it, thinking that it must be his imagination playing him tricks again. He suddenly realizes that the clock is almost four, and that it`s time to go to Jonas. He moves through the flat, seeing things that reminds him of Even everywhere. It's a pity he don't get to see Even before he goes, though. He can feel the longing for him in his whole body. It's weird, but it`s like the sex and closeness has awakened something in him, something that makes him starve for more touch. More Even. He comforts himself with the thought that he will see him again tonight, and walks out the door.

 

##  **Even: The Couch**

Even leaves his therapist feeling a little relieved and a little frustrated. His therapist told him to keep taking his meds, and to take it easy and monitor his sleeping and activities for a week. She acknowledged the early signs of hypomania and supported him in wanting to take things slow with Isak. She didn't quite support that he just stopped talking to him, though.

_– So he spoke ignorantly about mental illness. Why do you think he did that?_

_– I don't know, he was angry at his mother, maybe. And at his father for leaving them._

_– Probably. And he may have wanted to justify why he left home when he was younger, too. Right?_

_– Yeah. But he said he didn't want mentally ill people in his life!_

_– Yes, he did. How did that make you feel?_

_– Like trash, really._

_– He hurt your feelings._

_– Fuck, yes, he hurt my feelings._

_Even had paused. – But the worst part, was that he looked so lost, and scared. He tried to hide it, the cocky bastard, but I could see it. And I knew that he had reasons to be lost and scared. And I just… I just can't watch him become like that because of me._

_– You don't want to hurt him. I get that. And if it feels wrong, I support that you break up with him._

_– Good._

_– But do you know if he will feel like that because of you?_

_– Well, it`s likely, isn’t it?_

_– But you don't know. Nobody knows. We have talked about this, you know, the risks of relationships. And the perks. That you don't want to keep running away from what's difficult._

_– Yeah._

_The therapist had paused then. It was like she knew she shouldn't push further. – Have you talked to him at all about any of this?_

_– No._

_– Do you think that would be useful?_

Even`s session is over at two o'clock, but he avoids going home until dinner time, when he knows Isak is with his friend. He just doesn’t want to face him yet. He looks at his phone, but it seems impossible to answer Isak`s texts. He knows he _should_ answer, but not just now.

Walking around in the streets, he feels apathetic, almost like when he's depressed. It’s been like this since breakfast. He barely had the energy to take a shower, and to dress before work. He only did it because he knew he needed to get out of there. The fact that he managed to go to work and therapy today, was a huge victory. Not that it matters. How can anything matter, without Isak?

He walks, and stares at the ground. His therapist is maybe right about the talking part. He knows he tends to avoid conflicts, and run away, and that avoiding conflicts and running away tends to make things worse. But he doesn't care. He is hurt, and a little pissed off, really, and he doesn’t want to talk. It's true that he doesn't want to hurt Isak, either. So he'll keep away, and that's that. Hopefully, he will only need to share the apartment with Isak for a couple of weeks, and then it will be over. Then Isak can continue with his life, and Even with his own.

He just wishes it didn’t hurt so much all the time.

He doesn't have the energy, but he still phones his mom (he always does when he has had therapy, so he avoids the loving nagging). The problem is, that when his mom asks how he’s doing, he suddenly chokes up.

– I’m alright mom, he stutters, holding his tears back. – I just met a guy, that I really liked, and well, it didn't work.

– I’m so sorry, honey.

– Yeah. Me too. I thought Isak was someone special.

He swallows. – Mom?

– Yes, dear?

– Do you believe in true love? Fate and all that?

– You know, actually I think I do! Well, maybe not fate, but true love. I don’t necessarily think there’s only one soulmate for you out there, but that you can find true love if you open yourself to it.

– Hm.

– Do you wonder if this Isak was your true love?

– Maybe. I don’t know. He has… issues. With mental illness.

– Oh.

– He has had some bad experiences with his mom.

– OK. So that’s why it’s over, then?

– Sort of, Even sighs. –Yes. I don’t think I can handle shit like that.

– Okay. I’m Sorry, Even. I’m sure you’re going to figure it out, dear. I know you’re going to find true love someday, you know?

– Yeah, I hope so.

His mom. He should have known. She’s just as hopelessly romantic as he is.

When Even finally comes home, he throws himself on the couch, and looks at the ceiling. He still has this breathtaking _want_ for Isak, this need, that seems impossible to push away. Isak has touched him in a way no one else has done before. Even buries his face in one of the pillows. Fuck, he thought for a moment that this could have become something real. Something that could last. And then there were these _signs_ , like they were meant to be, and these strange memories that wasn't memories… He thought Isak had something special. Fuck, he _has_ something special, it's just not for him.

Well, Even knows he'll survive some heartbreak. He will feel the pain for a while, he will cry and rage, and then it will be over. He doesn't know how to survive this evening, though. How can he face Isak and pretend that he means nothing to him? It's impossible. It's too new. And Isak seems to have gotten too close to him, somehow. It's like he`s under his skin. And what is he going to do when he comes home? How is he going to manage to keep Isak on a distance? He picks up his phone.

 

SONJA

Even: Hi, girl. Would you like to come visit me?

Sonja: You okay?

Even: Yeah, just a little heartbroken. Or maybe it's just my pride that is hurt, I don’t know.

Sonja: Wanna talk?

Even: No, but I definitely want to watch a movie, or something.

Sonja: Okay, babe. Something. For old times’ sake. I can come by around seven, I think.

Even: Thanks, Sonja.

 

Even thinks for a moment. He`s happy that Sonja is there for him, again. He just wishes he had someone he could talk to, someone free from bullshit and judgements. He picks up the phone again.

 

SANA

Even: Hi, Sana. Everything fine?

Sana: Yes, I`m good! Busy. And how are you?

Even: All good. A little heartbroken. I met someone, a cute guy, but it didn't work.

Sana: Pity. That`s a little weird, though, I just got a text from another friend today that just met a guy. He sounded a little happier, though.

Even: That`s love for you. Some are lucky, like you two, and some are not.

Sana: Do you think it's about luck?

Even: I don’t know what I think, really. You believe there’s a meaning behind everything, right?

Sana: You know I do. What do you think?

Even: I'm not sure. Have you ever heard about parallel universes?

Sana: Of course I have, dufus. Is that your thing now?

Even: No, it really isn`t. I don't know. Don't listen to me.

Sana: We should meet up for some tea one day, Even.

Even: Yeah, we should! This weekend, maybe?

Sana: We have a family dinner, but otherwise I'm in.

Even: Cool. How`s Elias and the boys?

Sana: My brother's fine, and the others, too. Why don't you send him a text?

Even: Yeah, I might. Send best wishes to your mom, Sana. Ok?

Sana: I will. Talk to you later, Even.

Even: Later.

 

Even shuts his eyes for a moment. Sana is Elias` sister. Elias was one of his best buddies (before he lost it, and before everything went to hell in high school). Even had lost contact with Sana when he stopped hanging with Elias and the boys, but he got to know her after a while. His girlfriend at the time, Sonja, knew a girl named Emma, that went to the same school as Sana, at Nissen. Emma invited Sonja and Even to a couple of parties, and when Even met Sana again at one of those, they got to talk. And it was familiar, and very nice. Luckily, they`d kept in touch ever since.

Sana is amazing. Even values her friendship, and wishes he some day could talk it out with Elias and the other boys, too. Talking is just so damned difficult sometimes.

He picks up his phone again, and looks at Isak`s texts. Isak sounds so happy, with the job interview, his friend and everything. He should stay like this, and it's more likely that he can stay like this _without_ Even messing up everything. Well, it's about time that he answers that text.

 

##  **Isak: The Door**

Jonas` house reminds Isak of the house Jonas grew up in. The style is definitely just as eclectic, and somehow reflects both Jonas and his wife, Eva. Isak remembers that the two of them started to date again one of the last years at Nissen (after Emma had dumped him for p-Chris) and when Isak thinks about it, he gets why. Jonas and Eva are really good together. They always were. Eva`s kind and fun personality, plus her stubborn independence fits Jonas` bright mind and calm demeanor perfectly.

Today it`s only Jonas and Isak here, though. Isak suspects that Jonas has kicked his small family out. Jonas is putting a lasagna in the oven, and asks him to join him at the kitchen table. Isak has a beer in his hand to hold on to. Jonas sets the table, telling a ridiculous story about Magnus at their last party.

– So, how are you doing, then? Jonas asks, when he sits down.

– Not bad, Isak says, and takes a sip of his beer. – I didn`t know if I was happy to come back, but it isn't really that bad.

– I should hope not, Jonas laughs, so his dark curling bounce on his head. – Now we might see you a little, yeah?

– Yeah.

Isak hesitates, and takes another sip of his beer. He has so much he want to say sorry about, and so much to tell Jonas, that he doesn't know where to start. He decides to start with the thing that fills him up the most.

– You know, I think I have met someone, he says.

– Yeah?

Jonas looks at him and smiles. Raises those amazingly bushy eyebrows.

It`s impossible not to smile back. Isak grins. – Yeah, it's a guy called Even. He`s really cool. Everything feels right with him, to be honest. It's early, though, so I don't know how it goes.

– Exciting.

Jonas looks happy for him.

– Yes, it is.

Isak smiles. – He's really hot, you know. And charming. Has good taste in music, is creative, funny, and nice. And he is ridiculously good looking. Did I say hot?

Jonas just laughs. – I don’t think I have heard you talk like this about anyone before.

– Maybe not.

Jonas finds them another beer, and they drink, while they listen to the music in the background. Isak remembers how they used to hang together and listen to music when they were younger. They used to be so close, before he fucked up everything.

Isak hesitates. – I feel bad for not keeping in touch, he finally says.

– That goes both ways, you know, Jonas says, taking the lasagna out of the oven.  

– Yeah, but.

Isak pauses. – I think I was ashamed, you see, about the thing with you and Eva. That I broke your trust, or something. And I kind of never got over it. I`m sorry.

Jonas looks at him, with a surprised smile. – That`s an eternity ago! In first grade! Eva and I fucked it up back then, not you. Seriously, I don't ever think about it, and neither should you.

– You sure?

– Yes, I`m sure.

Jonas doesn't take his eyes of him. – Did you think I was angry with you because of that?

– No, maybe not angry, but I thought it broke something between us.

– If I was hurt for a while, it was because you didn't trust me enough to tell me everything, from the beginning. I knew you struggled with many things, you know, and I wanted to be there for you. But you always pretended to be so cool about everything.

– Oh.

– Yeah. And then you sort of disappeared, focusing on the homework and the exams, and then you just left to Trondheim.

– I guess I did.

Isak sighs. – Fuck.

– Yeah, fuck.

Jonas smiles. – So, are you going to throw a party, now that you`re back?

– Party?

– Yeah, you should invite the old gang, so we could let our hair down a little and celebrate that you're back, don't you think?

Isak hesitates. Throwing parties isn't exactly his thing, and it never has been. Still, something has changed somehow, and he would like to say more yes to things like this. Stop living a boring, pointless life, like that old man in the coffin. He shudders.

– Maybe, he says. – Party, eh? At least Eskild seems to think so, and now you too.

He thinks. – It's  Halloween soon. Maybe I should throw a Halloween party?

– Good idea.

Isak looks at him with narrow eyes. – I thought you once said that Halloween was only made by the commercial market forces?

Jonas laughs out loud. – I probably did. But I have lost some ideals and illusions since then. It's  a good excuse to have a party.

– Yeah it is!

Isak and Jonas spend the afternoon chatting and planning the party, texting the boys, the guys from the old collective, and Sana. Isak can't believe his luck. In just a day, he`s gone from unemployed loner, to having both work, friends and a boyfriend /roommate with benefits. That's not bad.

_Is it to good to be true?_

He shakes the worried thought away, and enjoys the evening with Jonas. They talk and laugh about everything, just like in old times. During the afternoon Isak wonders why Even never answered his text, though. He tries not to panic, of course. Still, he wonders if he might have said or done something, that makes Even not want to talk to him. Or maybe Even just regrets the whole thing?

When Eva and the kids come home, Isak gives Eva a big hug and chats for amoment. Still, he is anxious to get home to the flat and see if he can talk to Even, and find out what's going on. The worry follows him as he says goodbye to Jonas and his wife and goes out in the dark and cold evening. Isak is sitting on the tram when his phone finally pings, and his heart almost jumps up in his throat. His fingers shivers when he pulls out his phone.

 

EVEN ❤

Even: Hi, Isak. I`m happy for you about the job interview and that you're meeting up with your friend. I am glad I met you, too. I don't really know, but maybe things have happened too quickly, though... I know it's my fault, but I need some time, sorry. I think we should stick to being roommates for now.

 

Isak stares at the text, feeling the pain gripping his chest. He almost can't believe it at first. How can Even turn around like that? How can he make love to him, and be so gentle with him, like nobody else has been, and talk about being boyfriends, for Christ’s sake, and then just drop him, like it was nothing? Isak had opened up his heart to Even, and told him some things that only Jonas knows. How can Even step on his heart like this?

Isak almost gets angry, but then he realizes there's no point. No fucking point. He just feels this clenching feeling in his chest. The pain is ripping him apart. He should have known this. He was stupid to believe it could last. Stupid to believe that they had something special. This is it; Even thinks it went too fast. He has probably realized that he`s not that interested, anyway. Or maybe hearing about Isak`s fucked up relationships made him back out. Isak can get that, he sometimes wants to get out, too.

Isak shuts his eyes. He let Even come so close. Too close. Something about Even made him drop his guard and let him get his hopes up. Isak sighs. He has been a fool, really.

The tram reaches his stop, and he gets off. _Maybe things have happened too quickly_ , Even wrote. Isak walks slowly towards the apartment, while the sentence churns in his head. He thinks about everything that has happened since he came to Oslo, and he partly agrees. Things happened fast. Maybe even a little too fast. Isak wouldn’t have minded, taking it a little slower. But this text from Even isn`t about taking it slower, it`s about taking it to a full stop. _Stick to being roommates_.

When he comes back to the flat, he hesitates a moment before he lets himself in, scared of meeting Even, and scared of how he`s going to handle the awkward situation. But Even isn`t there. That is, he`s in his room, and Isak can hear music and laughter from the door. He hears Even`s voice, and a girl's voice. They sound happy.

Isak stands for a second in the hallway, staring at the door. He tells himself there's no use being jealous, Even has been clear about the fact that he needs time. That they should be just roommates. Which means that Even doesn’t want anything more. It's over. Nothing to be jealous about. Still Isak feels that tight feeling in his chest. He stares at the locked door, and wishes they at least could meet and talk, that Even could tell him why he changed his mind. But he knows there isn’t any point in that.

He leaves Even`s closed door, drags himself into his own room, and drops himself on the bed. He realizes that he was supposed to ask Even if he could have a party in the flat, but to be honest, he's not interested in a party any time soon. He feels like shit. He feels empty, and used. And the worst part is, that he knows he must pretend that everything is okay, for weeks, until Even finds something new. It's  going to be rough.

If only he didn't feel this desperate _longing_. It's like Even turned on a switch in him when he touched him, making him feel all sorts of things, and now he can't turn it off.

He still lies staring at the ceiling when he hears light feat approaching his door.

– Uh, hello?

Isak sits up. A beautiful blonde girl stands in his doorway.

– Hi.

She`s wearing a cute skirt and tight top that makes her look gorgeous. He can understand why Even likes her. Even if he doesn't recognize her, something makes him believe this must be Sonja, Even`s girlfriend from high school. Either that, or Even have a thing for blondes.

 _–_ I`m Sonja, she says. – Even`s ex. Or friend.

_Yup._

Isak takes her hand, feeling slightly lightheaded and jealous at the same time. Trying his best to look unaffected.

– Isak.

His breath shakes as he suddenly gets this déjà vu feeling again, like he has met Sonja, like this, once before. He can feel almost the same disappointment, but an even stronger jealousy. They are all younger, and… There are some others there as well, and Sonja is interrupting… something. Toasties? And she is kissing Even, and he kisses her back, and it… hurts. What`s happening? Isak swallows, and pushes the strange feeling away.

– Nice to meet you, Isak, Sonja says. – Even mentioned that you'll share the flat for a while. Do you have some candles? she asks.

Isak still feels dizzy from that strange déjà vu feeling. – Uhm, no, I'm afraid not, he stutters, wondering what in hell Even has told her. Has he told her that they met at the church, talked all day and ended up together? Has he told her that they fucked all night, ate breakfast together and talked about being boyfriends? Has he told her some of the personal stuff Isak shared with him? Isak doesn't know which possibility that hurts the most. He only knows that he is hurt, and slightly pissed.

_What the fuck is this? What does she want?_

Sonja smiles a wide smile. – I don't want to bother you, but we're watching Moulin Rouge, you see, and we need something to set the mood.

 _Moulin fucking Rouge_.

– OK.

Isak wants to scream. He doesn't.

– Sorry, I don't think I can help you, he says.

Sonja looks around in his room. – Yeah, I see you don't have much things here yet.

Isak sighs. Suddenly he realizes that she's curious. Of course, that`s it. Even has told her about his little adventure, and now Sonja wants to check Isak out. He doesn't have the energy for this shit.

– Maybe you can find some in the kitchen, he suggests.

She nods. – Sorry to bother you, she says, smiling again.

– You`re not bothering me, he lies, looking at his feet. – I'm just a little tired. I think I will go to bed now.

– That`s early.

The dark, soft voice makes Isak look up in a jolt. Even stands next to Sonja, holding her by the waist, and with a small smile on his face. Looking fucking gorgeous.

– Uh, hi.

Even tilts his head looking at him, with a distant look in his eyes. – Hi.

 _What the hell_. Even seems like a totally different guy than the smiling and laughing guy he kissed and cuddled with this morning. His expression is still friendly, but his eyes are distant.There's no doubt. it`s obvious that this thing that happened between them just was a meaningless one-night stand, something that didn’t matter to Even at all. It still hurts to see him, though. Isak swallows.

– I can't help you with the candles, he says.

– I heard that, Even says. – Pity. Well, I told Sonja it wasn't likely.

Isak stares at him, and tries to look indifferent.

Even looks away, smiles at Sonja, and kisses her on the mouth. – I just wanted to check out that you have everything you need, Isak. Since we are roommates.

For some reason, that comment makes Isak furious, even more than the kiss. He bites his teeth together.

– All good, he says.

– Good.

Isak wants to scream at Even, tell him he's an asshole, and that it`s not right to treat him this way. Fair enough that he wants distance, but he doesn’t need to be an ass.

Even and Sonja is about to go, but Even hesitates. – You got my text earlier?

Isak feels the stings in his eyes, but clings to his anger. – Yes I did. I got the message.

Isak doesn`t know if this is a weird attempt to say he is sorry, or if Even only wants to make sure he knows where he stands. It doesn't matter.

The anger pushes him to ask: – By the way, I talked with a friend about having a party here at Halloween. Would that be okay?

Even looks at him. – A party.

Isak manages to look back and make a grin. – Yeah.

– Sounds like fun, Even says, looking a little confused. – It's  no problem.

– Good then. You can come, of course.

_What the fuck, why did I say that?_

– Yeah, okay.

Sonja looks from Even, to Isak, to back at Even again. She seems to notice the tension. – Do you two need to talk alone? she asks.

– No.

Even holds her tight, so she can't go away. He looks at Isak. – We're done, anyway.

 _Ouch._ Isak must look down, to hide the angry tears in his eyes. For some reason, it`s suddenly difficult to breathe.

– Well, as I said, I think I´ll go to bed, he mutters. – See you later.

– Okay, Sonja answers, and he hears the polite smile in her voice. – See you later then.

Even doesn’t say anything.

They leave, and Isak shuts the door and drops himself to the bed again. _Fuck, that was intense._ And painful. Isak stares at the ceiling, breathing heavily. _What the fuck was that?_ Why did Sonja and Even come to him for fucking _candles_ , to talk about watching Moulin fucking Rogue, and why was Even behaving like a complete ass? Was Even some sort of sadist that loved to see him hurt? But why did he look so confused and almost hurt when Isak talked about the party? Why could he be so cold when he said they were done? And why does it have to hurt so much?

Isak shivers, and his heart beats faster and his breath is shallower. Suddenly he has this sensation again, of himself in another life. Again he sees himself with Even, and they do everything together; they kiss, love and live together, but it's not his own memories. Not his own life. Why can't that be his life? Tears sting in his eyes. Like back in the church, his emotions are trapped in his chest, and he feels like he can’t breathe.

Fuck, not another panic attack. _Two days in a row? What is this shit?_ Isak only knows that he  needs to breathe. _He needs to breathe!_ This time, no one is there to comfort him, so he needs to fight this alone. His pulse drums in his ears and he feels dizzy. He breathes in, counting to three. _And out. One two three. In. And out._

The breathing helps. As the tension runs out of him, he starts to shake all over, and the tears spill down into the bed. He doesn't know what's happening to him. Doesn't care, really. He is probably losing his mind. And the weird part of it is, it doesn't fucking matter to him. He just wants the pain to stop.

He wants to just forget everything. Isak cries silently, and swears to himself. If he only could forget how gentle Even had been, and warm and kind. He can't help it. He just wants to feel Even again, and be close to him. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yeah, I know. But this sort of had to happen.
> 
> Tell me what you think!
> 
> The next chapter is going to be interesting....


	3. Touch me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Isak has hurt Even and Even has broken Isak`s heart. In this chapter Isak and Even tries to figure out how to share the same flat. Isak tries to avoid Even to stay clear of heartbreak, and Even tries to find a way they can be friends. At the same time, they still have these strange sensations they can`t explain.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here is the third chapther, guys! Thank you so much for your supportive comments. I have a lot of fun writing this, that's for sure. 
> 
> Thanks to my beta reader, I'm forever grateful. 
> 
> IMPORTANT: After the last episode of Skam I had to change parts of chapter 2, so that Jonas now is happily married to Eva (and not Iben). I`m sorry if that is disappointing, but that just feels right to me (I haven`t decided if Vilde still is together with Magnus or not. In my head both Vilde and Magnus are bi/pan, so they mght have ended up with others. We`ll see).
> 
> If you have thoughts or input about the fic or this chapter, big or small, I would love to hear it. I really would.
> 
> Oh, and you can find me on Tumblr as @hjertetssunnegalskap.

_The third time Isak almost met Even, was at Halloween the year he was in second grade. Even and Sonja were dressed as God and an Angel, and visited the Nissen party. Even had become manic that night, and had done some strange things, like shouting out movie quotes, jumping into the pool in a full costume, and undressing in front of all the guests. Isak was supposed to go to the same party, but he felt he had no reason, so he stayed at home. He heard the story of the God figure that did a lot of strange things at the party, though. He didn’t quite understand why hearing about it made him so sad._

 

## Isak: The Coffee Shop

Isak stumbles out of bed in the morning, feeling cold, groggy and nauseous because he's so tired. He has not slept more than an hour or two. It`s just like it`s always been. Every time some shit happens, he loses sleep. Isak groans as he pulls on a t-shirt, and tries not to think about it, but it doesn't work.

Yesterday some major shit definitely happened, and sleeping was not an option. At first Isak had been kept awake by Even and Sonja, laughing and fooling around in Even’s room. Then it got quiet, and Isak started to worry about what was going on. He knew they were exes, but exes did sometimes have breakup sex and make up sex and what not, didn’t they? He knew he shouldn’t be bothered, but he couldn't help it.

So, Isak had stared for hours at the ceiling, and worried about how he could manage to endure living in the same flat as Even for several weeks. Then he started to worry about his new job, and about visiting his mother. Then the thoughts started churning and churning, and it was impossible to slow down all the thoughts and worries. He stayed awake.

Now he feels like shit. When he steps into the bathroom, his body is heavy and his eyes feel like they are full of sand. The mirror shows him that he looks just as bad as he feels. His face is pale under his messy hair, his eyes are rimmed in red, and he has dark circles under them. Isak takes a quick shower, trying to wake up and maybe get some warmth into his body. Afterwards, he does not dare to stay for breakfast. He doesn’t want to risk meeting Sonja or Even. He hasn’t bought much to eat, either.

As he moves through the flat he tries to be as quiet as possible. Luckily, it's silent behind Even`s door. Isak throws on some clothes, finds a snapback to hide his unruly hair, sneaks quietly past Even's door, and goes out. He will not start his new job for a couple of weeks, and he has no clue about what he should do all day, but he just knows he needs to get out of that flat.

He walks towards the nearest coffee shop, thinking that he can get some breakfast and coffee. While he walks, he wonders what he should do next. He has a whole day, and nothing to do. He knows he should text some of his friends, and maybe get some steam off, but he doesn’t quite have the energy. He could maybe go shopping, and find some things for work, or for his new flat. He doesn’t have the energy to do that, either.

His phone pings, and he picks it up.

 

JONAS

Jonas: Halla, bro.

Isak: Halla.

Jonas: Hey, you're up early? I didn't expect an answer straight away. You`re not working yet, are you? What's up?

Isak: Not much.

Jonas: OK. Was good to see you again, Izz. Eva loved it, too. Is the Halloween party still on?

Isak: Sure.

Jonas: Noora and Eva was talking about it yesterday. They are excited. Noora itches to take part in the planning, as usual.

Isak: Sounds good.

Jonas: Something wrong?

Isak: No, just. This thing I talked about, with Even, it didn’t work out.

Jonas: That`s shit. Wanna talk?

Isak: Not really.

Jonas: Okay. But let me know, if you want to talk about it, yeah?

Isak: Thanks, Jonas.

 

Isak takes a deep breath, and released it. Jonas’ concern warms him. Still, he knows he needs some time before he can talk about this. He needs to sort his thoughts a bit. Before he puts away the phone, he notices that he already has a text from Sana that he hasn’t heard.

 

SANASOL

Sana: Everything still good?

Isak: What do you mean? Why do you ask?

Sana: Nothing, I just got this feeling.

Isak: What feeling?

Sana: You know, that something's up.

 

Isak has to smile a little. Sana and her intuition. She's almost a psychic sometimes, that girl. She always knows when something's wrong, or something unusual or important is happening. Isak doesn`t know if it's because she's observant, or if there can be another reason.

Isak shudders when the light from the phone fades in front of him, and he’s suddenly sitting with Sana by a school desk, arguing about right and wrong answers. Dazed he realizes that he can sense everything in the room, the other kids mumbling, and their teacher talking over them. Sana and Isak are arguing. Sana is stubborn, as always, and so is he. _What is this?_ Isak knows he has shared a lot of biology classes like this with Sana, but he has a feeling that this is different.

Then he notices that Sana is reading a text on his phone:

_Vilde: I hope you don't find this question to be rude, but is it true that you're gay?_

_Isak: Where did you hear that?_

_Vilde: It was just somebody saying that you and that Even guy from third year had a thing?_

_What the fuck?_ Isak shivers, as he feel the fear, frustration and shame from that other Isak rush through him. That’s not at all how things happened, though. He definitely didn't have a “thing” with someone called Even in high school. He hooked up with that boy (Julian? Julius?) at that party, and then the rumours started. Sana had asked him about it when he had been gone from school a week, and he had told her, but he never got a text from Vilde. The weird part is, that Vilde is exactly the type of person to ask a question like that.

Isak blinks the images away and stares at his phone. He is standing in the middle of the pavement, frozen in his tracks. So, Sana wants to know what's up. He can`t tell her about these strange memories or images that are attacking him. But he can at least be honest about Even.

 

 SANASOL

Isak: Well, you're not quite wrong. It turns out it didn’t go so well with that guy I mentioned.

Sana: I`m sorry, Isak.

Isak: Yeah.    

Sana: Lunch today?

Isak: Maybe another day?

Sana: Okay. Later, Isak.

Isak: Later.

 

He loves Sana. No fuss. He starts to move again, and puts away his phone when he approaches the coffee shop. It's better to forget those strange sensations. But it feels good to at least have mentioned the whole mess with Even to someone. It doesn’t make it easier, but he doesn’t feel so alone with everything.

He walks into the coffee shop and gets in the queue. The warm room makes him even more tired. _So tired_. He yawns and stares at the counter. He needs breakfast, but he needs the coffee even more. To be honest, he doesn’t feel hungry, but he needs to _try_. And he can probably kill some hours with a coffee or two.

– A latte, please, he says to the girl at the counter. – And do you have more cheese sandwiches?

– I can heat one up.

– Can you heat one up for me as well?

Isak jolts, sure that he hears Even`s dark and soft voice. But a quick glance back in the queue shows him it's someone else. An irritating, cheerful guy. Isak`s heart still races, though.

– That'll be 75.

Isak fumbles with his coins, still stressed out by believing he heard Even`s voice, and weirded out by a vague feeling that he has experienced something similar before. But when? He pays, and his thoughts go back to Even. They had been so good together. He hardly hears the girl at the counter asking for one more coin. All his sleep deprived brain manages to focus on, is the thought of Even, of his touch, and his distant eyes yesterday, and the words _we're done, anyway_. He feels nauseous again, and he almost can't breathe. His eyes sting, and not just because he's tired. While he waits for his cheese sandwich, he can't help but think about the way Even kissed him, and held him, and he just wants to cry. He must pull himself together. He gets his coffee and grilled cheese sandwich, and turns around.

 _Even_. Isak`s heart almost stops. _Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck._ Even looks a little pale and tired, but just as gorgeous as always. _Why is he here?_

Even looks at him with those intense, shiny eyes, and it _hurts_. How can it hurt so much already? Isak only manages to meet his gaze for a moment. He swallows, and fears that he looks like shit; tired and teary eyed, but at least he manages to keep his face straight. He has no idea what to say, or do, though.

– Halla, Even says.

– Halla.

 _God, Even looks so good_. They could have been good together. Isak is in pain. He has so many questions. What's the deal? Why doesn’t Even want to give them a chance? Why the fuck is he here? Isak feels lost, and angry, too. Here he does _everything_ to avoid Even, and he still turns up at the same fucking coffee shop. _Why does the world hate me?_  

Isak feels dizzy, and suddenly he feels that strange shift of the world again, like he is two places at once. He is in another cafeteria (his old school cafeteria?), facing a younger Even. Even's shining eyes are the same, though; and Isak’s feelings, too. The double sensation of sadness and anger almost takes his breath away.

_No… cardamom?_

Isak senses (remembers?) every look, every beat of the conversation (in that other world? other time?), ending with Isak having enough, brushing past Even and leaving. It`s just a moment, but it's so real that it hurts. _What’s going on?_ Isak trembles, blinks, and snaps out of it. Even still gazes at him.

Isak tries to seem unaffected. – _What?_ What is it?

– Nothing, Even shrugs, – you just looked lost for a sec there.

Isak pushes his chin forward. – I'm fine.

Even nods. Then he looks down and discovers Isak's breakfast, and it's like he forgets the weird tension between them. He raises his eyebrows and smiles a little.

– No... cardamom?

 _Fuck._ Isak follows his gaze and looks at the sad looking grilled cheese toastie. He doesn't even try to pretend that he finds the joke funny. Their eyes meet for a moment, Even's small smile falters, and Isak feels like dying. The whole situation starts to make him feel more and more angry. He clings to the anger, like it's a lifebuoy.

– No, he finally manages to say. – No fucking cardamom.

The silence between them is tense. Isak wants to cry and rage at the same time. _Why did Even have to bring up the that again?_ It was such a silly detail (and it seems like it was a detail they shared with some younger versions somewhere as well), but it still reminded him about last morning, when they still were fooling around in the kitchen. Why did Even have to remind him of that?

– Why are you here? he mutters.

Even shrugs, and for a moment he looks a little uncertain. – I'm just here for some coffee before work.

– Okay.

Isak nods. He wonders if Sonja has left, or if she's waiting on him outside. He wonders why Even is talking  to him at all. _What does he want?_ His message had been clear yesterday. Nevertheless, _what the fuck does he want?_ Is he going to explain once more that they are done?

Isak can't handle this. Not without falling apart. He needs to go. He needs to get out of here.

Even breaths in, bites his lip, and looks like he is about to say something.

– But, uh...

– I think I gotta go, Isak interrupts him.  
  
He quickly turns away from Even, and walks away. He's not going to stand there and listen to Even clarifying one more time that they're done. _Hell, no._ He's not going to stand there and pretend that everything's okay. Isak’s heart races like he has run a mile. He wants to go out of there, but realizes he needs to eat his breakfast first. He walks to the table furthest away from the counter, and sits down.  

Isak holds his coffee with both hands, trying not to tremble. He can hear that Even buys his coffee, but he doesn’t look up. He doesn’t even look up when Even says:

– Later, Isak.

– Later.

Like everything is okay. Like nothing ever happened between them. Isak shuts his eyes when the door closes.

 

 

## Even: The Table

– So what's the emergency, Even?

Sana looks at him over the table. They`re sitting in a busy lunch restaurant, but Sana has her full focus on him. Her eyes are brown, deep and serious. Even feels like she can see right through him. That sight can`t possibly be good. Even feels horrible, from the inside and out. He is tired, sad, and irritable, and he has no energy at all. He is nowhere near to get manic right now, that's for sure.  

– I just wanted to have lunch, Sana, he says, trying to sound cheerful. – We talked about meeting, didn’t we?

– Yes, we did.

Sana still looks at him. She looks gorgeous, dressed in warm colors, and her dark eyes are strong and full of life. – It`s about that heartbreak guy, isn’t it?

– I suppose, Even sighs.

He does not know how a random one-night stand can break him like this. Well, the situation with Isak and him sharing the flat may have something to do with it, but he thinks he would feel this way if Isak stayed another place, too. Isak has touched him in a way that few others ever have done. None, really.

And now, Even`s not even sure he has handled things that well. He's pretty sure he didn't, to be honest. He's such an idiot. And now Isak hates him, and everything is broken. He is broken. Alone. He feels like shit.  

That`s why he reached out to Sana. He knows he needs people when he`s like this. He would love to bury himself in the bed, and forget about the world and about everything, but that will probably just make him depressed for real. And Sana knows him. He has several friends to hang with, but she's the one who knows him best.

The servant comes with the food, and they dig in. At least Sana does. Even has no appetite, so he picks at his food with his fork.

– I just need to talk to someone, he admits. – Someone else. Sonja is very… protective, but she doesn`t have your clear mind.

Sana raises her eyebrows. – You have talked to _Sonja_ about your newest crush? Isn't that a bit… challenging?

– Nah, it's ages since we dated, and she's one of my best friends. She's cool.

– Maybe.

Sana looks like she doubts it. – Okay, she says. – Spill it.

So, Even tells her about Isak, this amazing guy, and how he saw him at Sagene Church, years ago. He tells her how they met again, after all those years, like in some fucking movie. He tells her that this cute guy turned out to be the one that was supposed to rent his flat. Isak. He tells her about how they talked, laughed and fell for each other, and ended up in bed. How they talked the morning after, and Isak told him about his crazy mother and that he didn’t want mentally ill people in his life. How he broke Even`s heart. How Even decided to end it, and invited Sonja to help him.

He doesn't tell her about the strange and eerie feelings he has had. Something tells him it`s best to keep that little gem of info to himself.

He suspects that Sana is going to judge him a little, for being such a shit. Not that she is judging in any way, not at all, but he has acted like an idiot, after all. However, Sana doesn’t say anything at first, she just looks at him. She has stopped eating, and her eyes are wide, like she`s surprised. Then she sighs.

– I should have figured, she said. – Almost did, too.

– What?

Even is confused. What could she have known?

She stares at him, and looks almost irritated. – You're talking about Isak Valtersen, aren’t you?

Even jolts. – What, you know him?

His heart races, while his thoughts spin in his head. – Wait, you went to Hartvig Nissen, didn’t you?

Sana nods, and starts eating again. – Yeah. Isak was my biology partner, and friend, back at Nissen. We still text sometimes, and send each other interesting articles or stupid memes. He's a dork, she smiles, and shows her cute dimples. – A sweet, grumpy dork.

Even watches her. Although Isak and Sana`s friendship seems somewhat unlikely, he can see how they could work together. They are both smart, a little introverted, but also sarcastic and speak their minds freely all the time. But Sana knowing Isak… This is just mind blowing.

– You know him well, then?

Sana shrugs. – Well, we were sort of best buds back in the days, and Even if we don’t meet each other that often, we still can talk about almost everything. Almost. I knew he had a rough time at home, but I didn't know about his bible quoting mother. Actually, that explains a thing or two.

She wrinkles her eyebrows. – I’m sorry he said what he said, Even. He can really say stupid things sometimes.

– Yeah.

– He texted me yesterday, about meeting someone. He seemed sort of happy about it. I didn't imagine then that he was talking about you.

– Right.

– But when he told me it didn't work, I almost should have guessed.

For once, Even doesn't know what to say. There are too many coincidences surrounding Isak. It`s almost like the universe is trying to tell him something. It freaks him out a little.

Sana hesitates. – You know, I tried to matchmake you two once, she smiles.

– What?

– Yeah, you know, at that party at Syng, after you had broken up with Sonja. Isak just came out that spring, you see, and he was miserable and lonely. I had this feeling, so I invited you, even if it was a russe-party. But you and I just ended up singing cheesy songs for hours.

– I remember that, but I don't remember Isak.

– No. Isak chose to stay home and play FIFA with his buddies instead. As I said: Dork.

Even nods. He thinks for a second. – Yousef was there, I remember. And the boys.

Sana blushes. – Yeah.

– But you didn't get together with Yousef then?

– No, that was later.

She grins, saying no more.

Even sighs. – Imagine that I could have met Isak then, he muses. – But I remember that I left early. I guess I got a little freaked out, meeting the boys again.

He shoots Sana a look. – Hey, you tried to make _us_ meet, too, didn’t you? You wanted me and the boys to talk?

She just raises her eyebrows and smiles. – It was worth a try, I thought. You were such a good gang. But then again, I learned something that spring; that I should not meddle too much with others.

– I guess you did.

Even nods. Sana had told him about a lot of the drama that happened that spring she fell in love with Yousef. People got hurt. She developed quite a lot that spring, and became the strong, caring woman she is. While Even was just being a brat, trying to finish his last year at Bakka.

Sana sits up, like she suddenly remembers something. – Do you recall the first time we met again, after what happened with the guys?

Even knows what she refers to. – It was at a party, right? Was it the winter before the Syng party?

– Yeah, it must have been in September or October, I think.

– I recall that Sonja and I got invited by one of the girls she worked with. I was so glad to meet you, because Sonja only chatted to that girl all night.

– Yeah, Emma. I think Isak was a that party too. But he stayed most of the night smoking with his guys.

Wow, this is such a coincidence. Even remembers chatting to Sana and having a good time. Didn't he smoke something that night too? He loses himself in memories for a moment.

Sana smiles. – I remember that Isak was pissed because he didn`t manage to get any beer that night.

Suddenly Even sees green eyes looking at him under a red snapback. _You're over 18, right? Kan du kjøpe øl?_

Somehow, the image makes Even sad, and he has a strange feeling like he has lost something. He shakes his head, pushing away the weird sensations. – Huh, he says. – How can you remember all this, Sana?

– I guess I have a good memory, Sana smiles. – And I spent a lot of time observing, back then. I guess I noticed Isak because he seemed so lost, sometimes. You know, behind his cool mask.

Even nods.

– Oh, now I remember that I tried to get Isak to come to that Nissen Halloween party, too.

Even freezes. Oh, no, please not _that_ Halloween party.

Sana continues: – You remember, the one where you and Sonja were a –

– God and an angel.

Oh dear. Even remembers with a guilty pang the party, and the manic episode that started that night. And all because of him. He had been so bored at Bakka, that he tried to drop his medication. That didn't work out very well. He had jumped in a pool with his costume on, had talked a lot of gibberish and had tried to streak before Sonja managed to drag him home.

– Isak never came to that one, Sana explains.

Even grimaces. – To be honest, I'm glad he never saw me that night.

– Right. I can see what you mean.

Sana looks at him for a long time. – But it would not have mattered in the end, would it? You’d have decided to end it now, anyway?

– Yes, I think so. Maybe.

– Maybe? Breaking up with him by text and then using your ex as a shield seems like it`s very finished to me.

Even shuts his eyes. He knows he has acted like a dick. However, it still hurts when she points it out to him. – Better to cut it off now, than wait until one of us gets hurt, he mumbles. – So yeah, I have decided to end it, but… he bites his lip, – it's just so difficult to forget him. I think about him all the time, and… He made me cry my heart out, Sana...

Sana just stares at him.

– I know, it`s my choice, but it's just so hard.

He rubs his face. – Isak`s so… fucking cute, and smart, and interesting. His mind works in a way I'm never able to predict. He's hot, too. And his eyes, they just kill me. I thought we had something special.

Even groans. – The fact that we are sharing the flat is not exactly helping either. He`s going to be everywhere. _All the time_. That`s another problem, too, of course. You wouldn’t know about a vacant flat, or something, would you?

– Why do you have to move in the first place?

– Uhm, I forgot a payment or two, and I think I made a little too much noise one evening. Basically, I fucked up. But the contract doesn't end yet, so it`s… stupid.

For a moment, Even believes he can see pity in Sana`s eyes.

– I can see if I find something, she says. – I know a couple of med students that have plans to move. I can check it out.

Even breathes out.

– That would be amazing, Sana, thank you!

Sana smiles, and this time for real. – I would love to help you, Even. Always. And it sounds like Isak needs a little help, too.

– Yeah.

Even finally tries to eat a little. He looks at Sana. He knows he should stop dumping everything on her, but he doesn’t seem to be able to.

– You know, I asked Sonja to help me through the evening yesterday?

– Yeah… you're such a coward sometimes, Sana sighs.

– I have never said I wasn`t.

– You know I don't mean that, right? But you don't like conflicts.

– That's an understatement, Sana.

Even runs his hand through his hair. – Anyway. Sonja came and I told her everything. Spilled some tears. And then we heard that he came home. Sonja decided to check him out, and asked him for some candles. She was just curious, really. I tried to stop her, but you know her.

Sana nods, saying nothing.

– But you know, Isak? He almost didn’t say anything to me, or look at me, the whole time.

Even sighs. He will never forget the look at Isak`s face. He looked tired, and indifferent, but he also had this question in his eyes that made it difficult to breathe.

– Can you blame him, after you broke up by text?

Even grimaces, feeling horrible. – I didn’t exactly break up; we weren’t even boyfriends.

– No, but you texted him that you needed a break and that you should stay roommates.

– Yeah. You have mentioned that. Three times.

– That’s a break up.

Sana looks at him. – So. How did he look, then, when Sonja decided to ambush him?

Even thinks. – Tired, maybe. Distant. He didn’t look sad or angry or anything. He didn’t even react when I kissed Sonja.

– You _kissed_ Sonja?

Sana looks concerned. – Are you alright, Even?

Even sighs. – I know, it wasn’t my best move, I just panicked. Or maybe I was angry, I don`t know. It was just a small peck. I`m not manic, I swear.

He pauses, trying to collect his thoughts. – Isak just looked like he didn’t care. He looked kind of angry when he asked me about having a party in the flat, though. Like he dared me to say no.

Even shifts in his chair. To be honest, that question had bugged him. It was like Isak didn’t care at all, about Even, or anything, since he could think about a stupid party.

– The Halloween party, Sana says, and it's not a question.

– You know about it?

She smiles, and the smile lights up her face. – Yeah, Isak invited us yesterday. Said that the place wasn’t decided yet.

– Wow, yeah.

Even thinks for a moment. Sana seems to know everything. Just like she knows everything about Isak. And now they all are going to meet, at the party. Fuck.

He rubs his face. – Sana, can I ask you a question?

– Shoot.

– Do you have to tell Isak that you know me?

Sana stares at him. – Are you asking me not to tell him? Why does it matter, if you're breaking up?

– I don’t know.

Even chews his lunch. He doesn’t know why he doesn't want Isak to know everything. He doesn't know why Isak is so important to him. Why he wants to help him, and protect him, even if they won`t end up together. Fuck, _he knows_ , he has fallen so deeply that he just can`t let him be.  

– I met him this morning, you know, buying coffee, he says. He pauses a second, recalling Isak in a snapback, that made him look years younger. And those eyes. Even almost couldn't breathe when he saw him.

– It hurt, seeing him, he admits. – And I thought he didn't care, but he looked so tired, and lost, and I didn’t know what to do.

Sana nods. – He always struggles with sleeping when shit happens.

She suddenly looks irritated. – I don`t get you, Even. First, it bugged you that he didn't care, and now it bugs you that he might be hurt after all? What is this about, Even?

Even doesn`t have a good answer. – I don't know, he admits.

Sana sighs, and leans forward. – You know you have my support, Even. I don`t need to tell Isak anything, if you don't want to. But what do you want from him?

– I... don`t know. I don't want to hurt him, you know.

Sana breathes out. – Yeah, I know. You can be stupid sometimes, but never cruel.

She reaches over the table and takes his hand. – But Even. Isak is my friend, too. I will never go between you, or meddle, or do stupid things. However, I expect that you treat each other fairly, from now on. Ok?

He can see the determination in her eyes. She's not kidding.

– OK. I know you'll kill me if I hurt him more.

Sana smiles. – Yes, I will.

Even thinks, remembering Isak`s pale face, the dark circles under his eyes, and that tragic cheese sandwich. – I just wish I could do something to help him feel better, or sleep.

– So you want to help him, but still being just roommates?

Even hesitates just for a moment. – Still being just roommates.

Sana nods. – Well, you can. Maybe you can give him something he likes, something to cheer him up. Send him a meme, or something. I am sure you'll figure something out. Just be fair about it, okay? No mixed signals?

Even nods, still thinking.

– My therapist says I should talk to him, he admits. – Tell him about my worries and everything.

– You probably should, Sana says. – But I know all about how difficult that can be.

Even laughs a little. – Yeah, it is.

He sighs. This talk has helped, he thinks. Sana is amazing. He is going to find a way to cheer up Isak, and he`s going to manage to stay at the same flat for a little while. And then, he can move out, and go on with his life.

– So.

He leans back in his chair and breaths out. – How are _you_ , Sana?

Sana laughs, and starts to tell him. Even is pleased with himself when he manages to both listen and be supportive when she tells him about the medical studies and her life. To be honest, it`s a little soothing to hear about her busy everyday life, and her family. Getting his mind off things for a moment.

 

## Isak: The Note

Isak stays in the coffee shop for two hours, reading papers and surfing on his phone. Then he remembers it`s probably safe to go home, if Even is at work, so he buys some groceries and other necessities and goes back to the flat.

The flat is empty and quiet, but there are things reminding him of Even everywhere. Isak looks at the drawings and posters on the wall, and finds himzelf smiling against his own will. In the living room, there are some interesting paintings, movie posters, and music posters, and a guitar stands in a corner. Huh, he did not even know that Even played an instrument. Isak goes to put the groceries away, but there are even more traces of Even in the kitchen. The fridge door is full of photos and random concert tickets and postcards. On the photos, Even smiles like a sun. It's fucking annoying; everything in the apartment makes Even seem even more interesting.

Well, he's not. While Isak puts the food and the other remedies in place in the kitchen, he decides that Even's either an asshole or someone who doesn’t know what he wants. Maybe both. The worst part is, Isak can't quite believe that Even is an asshole. He has been kind and caring all the time, well, except when he texted him, and when he kissed Sonja and pointed out that they were only roommates, and that _they were done_.

 _Fuck, that still hurts_. Isak shakes it off, and decides to make himself a coffee. Well, it`s enough now. Isak knows he should know this by now. Everybody fucks off. He should never have let his guard down. God knows, he will never do that again.

Isak sits down at the kitchen table for a moment, with his coffee in his hands. He decides that he's going to survive this. He's not going to let this sad story mess up everything for him. He can stay away from the flat when Even is home from work, and they will hardly have to meet. In a couple of weeks, he will start working again, and by then Even must have found a new place. Then Isak can start living again.

He picks up his phone when it pings. Another text from his mom:

 

MAMMA

Mamma: _Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go. (Joshua 1:9 The Holy Bible)._

 

Isak sighs, and ponders. Is she trying to tell him something? That he shouldn't be afraid? Or is she just confused? He doesn't know. He doesn't understand his mother's overwhelming beliefs. They don't fit into his world of logic, but he still tries to find the meanings behind her words.

He's so focused, that he almost jumps when the phone rings.

– Hei, Isak.

Sana`s warm voice fills his ear.

– Yo, Sana, he says, absent minded. – Everything okay?

– Yeah, it`s okay.

– Did you have something special on your mind?

– Yes, I did. You see, I just met a friend, and... the talk made me think about the thing you asked me about. You know, about religion. And like, homosexuality.

Isak freezes. Talk about _timing_.

– Yeah?

For some reason, his heart starts to beat faster. He realizes that what Sana thinks of the matter is important to him.

– You know, I should have answered you better.

– Okay?

Sana pauses for a moment. – Islam says the same as always, you see. – That all people in the world are equal. That no one should slander, abuse, judge, or ridicule.

Isak feels a lump in his throat. He shuts his eyes, and for a moment he hears like a faint echo from another world: _hate doesn't stem from religion, it stems from fear._

Sana continues: – So if someone use religion as an argument for their hate – don't listen to them. Because hate doesn't stem from religion –

– It stems from fear, Isak finishes. He swallows. That makes sense, to be honest. He wonders if Sana knows how much these words mean to him. The tears sting in his eyes, and he doesn't know what to say.

– Thank you, Sana, he finally manages.

– No worries, Isak. You ok?

 _Hell, no, I'm not okay_.

– I don't know, really, he sighs. – I guess I will be?

Sana laughs. – That sounds more like a question than an answer.

– Well, I guess it is. I fell hard for this guy. He`s gorgeous, you see, and charming and creative. Way out of my league, to be honest.

He laughs a little. It’s a sad laugh. – And he… well he confused me. Until he totally lost the interest.

– I`m sorry, Isak.

– Thanks.

Isak rubs his forehead. – I just wish I knew why he lost his interest so suddenly. I guess I must have said some stupid shit again. I tend to do that, you know, when I'm nervous.

He expects to hear a chuckle from Sana, but she stays silent for a while.

– I'm really sorry.

– Yeah, me too. The worst part is that I have to share the apartment with him. Makes it hard to forget him, you know?

– Yeah, that sounds difficult. But.. don’t you think it would help to talk with him? Figure out what’s his deal?

– Sure. Probably. I just can't handle hearing that we’re done one more time, I think. Better to keep a distance.

– If you say so.

– I do.

– Well, Isak, I must go, I'm afraid. I just wanted to tell you the thing about fear.

Isak nods. – Thanks, Sana, you're the best.

– Best buds, you know. Take care, Isak.

After the call, Isak smiles a little. Sana can still surprise him. She's one of the smartest people he knows, and can seem a little tough at first sight, and maybe at the second one too, but she has a heart of gold and is always there to support her friends. He`s glad that he gets to be her friend.

Isak decides that he will continue to keep busy. He unpacks the rest of his things in his room, puts the books in the shelf and hangs up some photos and clippings over his bed, to make it more like a home.

When he`s finished, he has no idea what to do. He feels like he needs to talk to someone. He sits down on his bed and sends Jonas a text.

 

JONAS

Isak: Halla.

Jonas: Halla. Wanna talk now?

Isak: I guess.

 

Wow, Jonas still knows him. It`s just a beat, and his phone rings.

– Hi, Jonas says. – You all right?

– Yeah, I guess. Don’t sleep much, though.

– So, what`s up?

Isak tells him everything about Even, from the beginning, to the end. And Jonas listens. When Isak finally is finished, he sighs.

– It sounds like a shitty situation, Isak. It`s really not strange that you feel bad and can't sleep.

– That's true.

Isak almost smiles. You can always trust Jonas to be supportive of his feelings. Isak, on the other hand, has always been more interested in finding solutions.

– It can't be easy to share the flat, either.

– No, it`s not.

 _It`s a fucking nightmare._ Isak expects to meet Even everywhere, all the time, and it drives him nuts.

– You know you could stay with us for a while? Eva would love that!

Isak thinks about it, but the thought of sharing the place with even more people, especially children, makes him shrink.

– Thank you, Jonas, but I'll manage, he says.

– Admit it, you're just afraid you'll end up as our babysitter, Jonas laughs.

Isak has to smile. – True.

He can hear that Jonas sighs again. – So Even… What's his deal?

Isak shrugs. – I don't know. He confuses me. Sometimes I wish that I could read his mind. Everything was fine until we had that breakfast where we had that boyfriend talk, and then he just... changed.

– Do you think something freaked him out? Does he have commitment issues, or something?

– It didn’t seem like it at the time, but I guess he might have. I wonder if I said something stupid. You know, that happens sometimes.

Jonas chuckles a little. – Yeah, but what could you have said?

– I don't know.

Isak pauses. – I told him about mom, though. Everything. And I told him that I haven't come out to her and dad yet.

– Okay. That shouldn’t be a reason to back off, should it?

– No. I don't know. I can get it if he doesn't want too much… craziness.

– Isak. Don`t say that. First of all, your mother has a mental illness, so don't call her, or what she does, crazy. Second of all, if he runs away because your mother is sick, then he's worth nothing at all.

Isak feels the tears stinging in his eyes. He exhales slowly. – Yeah, Jonas, you're right.

– Of course I am, Jonas laughs.

There is a small silence between them.

– It's good to talk to you again, Jonas, Isak says.

– Good.

Jonas`voice is warm. – I just wish I could make you feel better. That Even should figure out what he wants.

Isak sighs. – Well, it's pretty obvious that he doesn't want anything more.

– I suppose. But he seems to have been giving you mixed signals. And he still contacts you and tries to talk to you.

– True.

– You probably should tell him that he can't keep doing that, you know. Just so you don`t get even more confused.

– Yeah.

Isak nods. He probably should. However, he suspects that he will not. It`s not difficult for him to confront people about things like this, it`s just not likely that he will bother. What could he possibly gain from it?

He drums his fingers on the phone, somehow feeling a little lighter already. It feels good to share everything, also because Jonas validates his feeling that Even has acted like a shit.

– Well, Jonas, thanks for listening to me. I think I needed it.

– No problem.

– I might come by one of the days, just to stay away from the flat for a while.

– You should! We both need adult company, especially after we have put the small monsters to bed.

– Hah, I can see that.

They chat for a little while about this and that, before they hang up.

Afterwards, Isak feels a little lighter, and stronger, at the same time. He checks his watch and realizes that Even can be back from work soon. _That's not good_. He doesn't want another awkward meeting. He decides to get out and maybe pay Sana or one of his other friends a visit. It`s not very tempting, though. As he was busy, and talking to Jonas, he stayed awake, but now he is just tired. Drained, even. His head is spinning. He would love to just lie down and get some sleep. He forces himself to go anyway.

Just as he`s on his way out, the front door opens, and Even steps inside. Their eyes meet, and Isak freezes, with his hand on his jacket.

– Halla, Even says, in his deep voice.

– Halla.

_God, why does he have to look so fucking gorgeous?_

– I’m just going out, Isak mumbles. He finally pulls down the jacket and puts it on.

– I can see that. Even pauses, looking at him. – You all right? You look tired.

– I'm okay. I sleep badly sometimes.

 _Why did he even say that?_ Even doesn’t need to know that. Isak feels drained, and his head hurts, and he tries to rub away the headache. He should go now.

– I have to go, he says.

– Okay.

Even doesn`t move out of his way. – You don’t think we should talk?

 _Fuck, no, I don’t want to talk._ There’s no point in talking, it`s all history, anyway. Isak feels the bitterness build up in his gut. He understands that Even would want to ease over things. He`s a nice guy, after all. He doesn't care. They could have talked yesterday, but Even chose to ignore him instead. _Fuck him._

– _Talk?_ he says. – So _now_ you think we should talk? I don't want to talk, Even.

Even just looks at him.

Isak suddenly shakes with frustration. He breaths in, and spits out: – You can't just... fuck me like you did, Even, like you fucking _care_ , and hug me and kiss me and tell me that we could be fucking boyfriends, and that we should watch Moulin Rouge together – He draws his breath. – Just to give me radio silence for a whole day, before you text me that we should just be roommates, and invite your ex to watch Moulin fucking Rouge the same night, and treat me like nothing, and THEN think that we can TALK and fucking fix it the next day. Be friends or something stupid like that?! That's not how it works, Even.

 _Oh fuck_. Isak shakes all over. _Where did all that come from?_

Even stares at him, eyes wide.

– O... kay, he mutters. – I am really sorry, Isak. I know that I was acting weird. I didn’t mean to… I guess I didn't think… I didn't mean to treat you… wrongly.

He looks guilty, and sad.

The anger leaks out of Isak, and he suddenly feels tired. Of course Even wouldn't know how he hurt Isak. How could he know? The whole thing must have been just a little adventure for him. Isak shuts his eyes for a moment. He shouldn't have yelled at Even, and he shouldn't have said all that. They are going to stay in the same flat; they have to make it work somehow. He should just have pretended that everything was okay.

Well, Jonas would have been proud of him, he guesses. _Talk about confrontation_.

But he needs to make this work. He has to take it back. After all, he had been a fool, thinking that he belonged with Even. Even doesn`t deserve all this anger.

He rubs his forehead. – Shit, don't listen to me, Even, I don't know where all that came from, to be honest.

He sighs. – I`m just tired, and have a fucking headache. I am overreacting.

– But –

– You already said you were sorry. It doesn’t matter. I`m good, you're good.

Even still just looks at him.

– In a couple of weeks, we can part ways and this mess will be over, Isak continues. – I´m just not in a mood for a talk right now. OK?

– OK.

Isak sighs again. There`s nothing more to say. – Now let me pass, please. I really need to go.

Even nods, and steps to the side, without a word.

Isak brushes past him, feeling the stings in his eyes, but managing to hold the tears back. He runs down the stairs and outside, feeling hot in his face of frustration and shame. Fuck, this was just what he didn’t want. Losing it. Well, it`s too late, now.

He decides to try to forget the whole thing. He stays the evening with Jonas, Mahdi and Magnus, and even if he's miserable, it's good to hear the boy`s banter in the background. It reminds him of when they were younger. And even if nothing is solved between Even and him, he feels lighter, somehow. Like the talk with Jonas and the confrontation with Even has done something for him. Maybe he'll be able to sleep for a couple of hours tonight, if he's lucky.

When he`s back home, it's so late that the whole flat is dark. _No Even, then_. He must be sleeping. Isak doesn’t quite know if he's relieved or disappointed. He brushes his teeth and throws his clothes in the wash. When he finally stumbles into his room, he notices a note on the floor.

He picks it up. It`s a drawing, with the heading “In another universe”. It`s an image of two boys, that looks like Isak and Even, sitting together and eating cheese toasts with cardamom. Isak wrinkles his eyebrows. What does this mean? That in another universe, they could be together, and eat cheese toasts with cardamom, but not in this? _Why not?_

Still, when Isak goes to bed he has a small smile on his lips. Even drew this for him, after all. Even remembered what they had been talking about. That has to mean _something_.

 

 

## Even: The Movie

Even has a feeling that Isak avoids him. He didn't see Isak in the morning at all, even if he took it slow. Isak didn't turn up at the coffee shop, either. Even goes to work, trying to wish away the heavy lump in his chest. Well, it shouldn't surprise him that Isak avoids him, though. It`s pretty clear that Isak is pissed.

Still, it had surprised him when Isak yelled at him last evening; Isak didn’t seem like the type to do that, and Even hadn’t thought that he cared that much, to be honest. But it had hurt like hell when he got his own actions pointed out like that. When Isak put it all together, it was _horrible_. First Even had given Isak the impression that he liked him, and cared, and then he turned completely and said the opposite. Using his ex as a shield. _And the movie_. _Ouch_ , Even hadn’t thought about that, at all. When Sonja mentioned that she wanted to see Moulin Rouge, he was just tired and eager to please her. He didn’t think that he had planned to see the same with Isak. _God_. He sounds like an asshole. Hell, he has to admit, he _did_ act like an asshole. He had been so desperate to keep Isak at a distance.

When he reaches work, he lets himself into his office. Even knows he has a slow start this morning, so he makes himself a cup of tea. Fuck, he wish he had treated this situation with Isak better. He still thinks it was right of him to back off, though. Even needs to protect himself; Isak has said he doesn’t want mentally ill people in his life, and that`s a pretty clear message. He should stay away.

Another thing is that Even knows he’s a mess. He has fucked up and hurt people he loves before, and he knows he will do it again. That’s another reason to leave Isak alone. Isak has enough to struggle with; he doesn’t need Even`s crap to add to it.

Even sighs. He has another reason, too. He can't afford to fall head over heels over Isak, just to get manic. It’s not like it’s bound to happen, but there’s always a risk. He has to keep a distance.

At least that what`s he`s telling himself. So why he draws shitty drawings to the man, he doesn’t know.

 _Yes, I know_. Even misses Isak, and he wants him to feel better. So he draws this silly drawings, to tell Isak that he cares, and that he wish everything was different. To be honest, he still wants Isak, and he doesn't know how he's supposed to manage without him.

Well, he'll just have to take it. He has no other alternative. Even sighs, and gets ready for class. Burying himself in work should help.

Still, around lunch, Even gets a text that makes his heart beat faster:

 

ISAK <3

Isak: Thanks for the drawing. I like it. When did you manage to put it there?

 

Even stares at the text. Isak likes the drawing. Maybe it even made him smile a little? Even misses Isak`s smile. Even looks and looks and looks at Isak`s words. He doesn't know how to respond, though. Maybe he shouldn`t answer at all.

Maybe he could check out some other stuff. He falls for the temptation, and googles Isak Valtersen. He finds an insta account and a Facebook account. Born 21. June 1999, it says. Even can't help smiling when he sees the photos. Still, when he scrolls through the images, he feels a little guilty, just like he’s stalking for real.

When he notices the illuminati-references in the insta, he gets curious. Isak thinks about a lot of stuff. Parallel universes and illuminati. What’s this kid all about?

Even finally puts the phone away, and starts to plan the classes for the day. Losing himself in the work helps a little, and the hours until lunch goes pretty fast. He eats his lunch with the other teachers, and chats a little with the music teacher. It`s not that bad, his colleagues are quite nice, actually, but he still goes to his office before his break is over. It`s like he doesn't have the usual energy to be social, he needs some time to himself.

When he opens the door to his office, he realizes that he won't be that lucky today. His phone rings, and demands his attention. He picks it up, and sighs when he sees it`s Sonja.

– Hello?

– Hi, Even, it`s Sonja. How are you?

Even hears all the unspoken questions. _Are you manic? Or are you depressed? Are you taking your meds? Are you taking care of yourself?_

– I'm fine, he says. – Better than last time you saw me.

– That`s good. You know, I worry sometimes.

– I know.

He feels that her concern somehow strangles him, and feels bad for thinking like that. She loves him, like a good friend, and he should be thankful.

– How do you manage to live in the same flat as that guy, anyway?

– His name is Isak. And it`s okay, I guess. He thinks I'm an asshole. And that's maybe not so weird.

– Why?

Even makes a grimace. – You know the story, Sonja. You were there. I was pretty horrible to him.

– Well, he was pretty horrible, too, talking about mental illnesses like that. He made you cry, Even. I hate that!

Even shuts his eyes. – He doesn't know that I have bipolar disorder, does he? He just thinks I'm an idiot who doesn't know what he wants.

Even hears a little chuckle, and _knows_ that Sonja dies to tell him that Isak is partly right. Shit, he knows her too well.

– Well, I just wanted to check out that all this mess hasn't been bad for you, Sonja says.

Even sighs. – Don't worry, Sonja. I`m not manic, and not depressed either. Heartbreak isn't an illness, you know. And to be honest, it's not your job to worry over me anymore.

– I know. I still do, sometimes, though. And you can`t stop me.

Even holds back a sigh. – I guess not, he says and strokes his hand through his hair. – I need to work, Sonja.

– Yeah, ok. Just… Stay safe, okay? Don't just lock yourself inside. Meet up with your friends.

– I know, I will.

 _What friends, though?_ Even throws the phone away, rests his elbows on his desk and hides his face in his hands. He has several friends, but the ones he feels the most connected to, are Sana, Sonja and weirdly enough Isak, who he hardly knows, and the boys he used to hang with back in high school. The ones he hasn't talked properly to in years.

He knows he probably should try to reconnect with his old friend, just like Isak has managed to do. It impresses him so much, how Isak managed to just reach out to his best friend after all this time and become friends again. Even knows he should try to do something similar. He just doesn't know how to do it.

Even tries to focus at his paperwork, but his thoughts just drift away. When he gets a text from Sana, he almost jumps in his chair.

 

SANA

Sana: Hi Even! Elias and Yousef says hi. They miss you, you know.

 

Even stares at the text. _Shit, talk about timing._ He was just thinking about them! He pauses for a moment. _Can it be true?_ he wonders. Don’t they hate him, after all? No matter what, it’s nice of them to reach out again. Even doesn't know what to reply. Still, he knows he should. His fingers shake a little when he texts.

 

SANA

Even: Say hi to the boys from me. I miss them too. It has just been a little difficult.

Sana: Maybe it's time, Even? Maybe you should meet and talk about things?

Even: Yeah, that would be good, I think.

 

He doesn't dare to be specific about when or where. Even if he knows that he wants to talk to the boys, he needs to be more ready.

The rest of the workday goes in a blur. Even usually loves working with the kids, but today he`s struggling to focus. His mind drifts to Isak, and the boys, and it hurts to think about them. He is restless to get home, so he gives the kids an assignment they can do at home, and manages to leave a little early. He feels a little guilty, but knows he is a bad teacher today anyway. He`d better get home, and get his shit together.

Outside it's cold and clouded. Even sighs, pulls up his hoodie and puts his hands in the pockets of his jacket. He knows that in just an hour, it will begin to get dark. He never gets used to the dark winter days here, when it's dark when he goes to work, and dark when he comes home. He needs the sun.

As Even approaches the flat, he notices that he shivers, and not just because of the cold. He is nervous. Is Isak staying away today, or will he be there, since he's expecting Even to come home later? A part of Even hopes that Isak`s there, and another part of him dreads the thought.

When he lets himself inside, the flat is silent. _Oh well_. Isak might maybe be sleeping or something, or Even is alone. Even sighs, feeling tired and cold. He hangs up his jacket in the hall and leaves his bag in his room. He knows he needs to eat, but he wants to get warm first. He decides to take a warm shower, and he can eat something simple later.  

Even is lost in his own thoughts when he walks into the bathroom.

– _What the fuck?_

Even looks up, and oh. Fuck. _Isak_. Wet from the shower. Standing pretty much naked in the middle of the bathroom, drying his hair. Dripping wet hair. _Naked naked naked naked_. Isak`s body is just as beautiful as Even remembers it, and it`s like he can't look away. _Oh fuck_. It`s like he can't move or say a word, to be honest. He can only stare as Isak quickly puts the towel on.

Isak stares back. – Can you get out, _for faen_? he yells. – I`m finished in a minute, yeah?

Even snaps out of it. – Sorry… he mutters, backs out and shuts the door, breathing heavily from the shock.

 _Fuck_. How could he be such an idiot and believe that it would be _easy_ , sharing the flat with Isak? He shuts his eyes, trying to calm down. He needs to calm down. However, his whole body betrays him; he shivers, and his cock is hard in his pants. _Calm down, calm down, calm down_.

He still stands aimlessly in the hallway when Isak comes out, with the towel around him. Isak stares at him like he's a creep. Even feels like a creep. A freezing cold creep.

– I`m really sorry, Isak, Even says, trying not to look to much at Isak`s bare chest or legs. – I didn't hear the shower at all. I just wanted to take a shower. I was so fucking cold.

Isak stares at him for a moment, like he tries to figure him out. Then he nods. – It`s okay. I should have locked the door, I guess.

Isak`s about to turn around and go to his room.

– Wait, Even says, and swallows. – Have you eaten?

Isak turns back slowly. – No?

Even watches his face, and tries not to linger too long at his lips. – I can make something, if you want to? he asks. – I thought about making some meatballs. I have some meatballs that my mother made in the freezer. Mom's meatballs are _really_ good.

Isak looks doubtful, and for a moment he looks a little sad, too. – I don't know, he says.

Even wants that sad face to go away so badly. He doesn’t know if this is a good idea, but if he can get Isak to smile, or if they can become friends, that would be so good.

– Please say yes, so I can make up for disturbing you and… being here, basically.

He blushes.

Isak sways a little, as he looks at him. His hair is messed up, his cheeks are red from the shower, and he looks too fucking cute. – What do you plan to have with the meatballs, then?

– You know, the regular, Even shrugs. – Potatoes, vegetables, a really good brown sauce and lingonberry jam. Nothing fancy.

– Huh.

Isak`s lips part and looks at him with wide eyes. He really looks tempted. – Lingonberry, you say? I haven't eaten meatballs like that, since I lived at ho…

He shuts his mouth.

Even smiles, like he doesn't notice that Isak almost talked about living at home with his mother. – It's settled, then, he says. – And I thought we maybe could watch a movie later? Would you like that?

Isak`s eyes are dark, and doubtful. – I`m not sure about that. I should prepare for my new job.

Even nods, he knows he can't push further right now. – Well, you can think about it, he shrugs, trying to pretend it doesn't matter. – I`ll have a shower now, to get some warmth in me, and then I`ll start on the dinner.

– Okay.

Isak turns around and walks to his room. Even tries to look away, but can`t. Isak`s back is far too tempting to look at. _I`m so fucked_.

Even breathes out, and goes into the bathroom, stripping off his clothes in a hurry. He still shakes all over, but it's not only because of the cold anymore. Watching Isak, and talking to him, has taken all his energy, and turned him into a shaking leaf. Shit, Isak looked so _good_. How is it possible to look so good? And angry, oh my god, Isak was angry. And hot. _So so so_ hot. And naked. The thought of Isak naked makes Even hard. Again. He sighs when he goes into the shower, feeling a little guilty. He knows he needs to take care of his boner, or he'll fight a hardon the whole evening. He lets the warm water fall over him and relax his body, and shuts his eyes. _Oh, that`s good_.

Even grabs onto his dick and strokes slowly it while he imagines Isak`s naked body again. Before he knows it, he can see Isak before him, sucking at his dick, and the thought of it makes him tremble. His hands strokes faster and faster, and he knows he shouldn't think about Isak like that, but he can't help himself. What if he had gone up to Isak and kissed him, instead of backing out of the bathroom? What if he had dropped to his knees and sucked his dick? Or maybe… he could have… eaten him out and… fucked him against the sink... And oh… It would have been so good. Even leans to the wall of the shower and comes, shooting cum over his fingers, with the image of himself fucking Isak before his eyes.

He finishes the shower, and feels a lot better. A little guilty, but mostly better. Finally he's warm, calm, and ready to make some food. He puts on some clean clothes and gets out of the bathroom. When he goes into the kitchen, Isak is nowhere to be found. Well, that`s expected, really. Even starts cooking and hopes that the good smell will lure Isak out eventually. He finds a new calm preparing the potatoes and vegetables, and heating up the meatballs and brown sauce.

He is sitting at the table, reading a magazine and waiting for the potatoes to get finished, when Isak enters the kitchen. – Smells good, he mutters.

– I`m sure it will be, Even answers.

He feels a little ashamed, and it’s difficult to meet Isak’s eyes. The fact that he just jacked off while he imagined that he was fucking Isak, might have something to do with that.

He decides that they both need something to relax, so he jumps up and opens the fridge. – Beer?

Isak looks at him and nods.

Even passes him the beer, and Isak smiles a little. – Thank you.

They both take a sip.

Just then, the world shifts. Even is both here, and in another, sunlit kitchen (his parents’ kitchen?). Drinking beer and looking at Isak. A painfully young kid with a snapback over golden curls and with wishes and promises in his green eyes. And with smiles, giggles and laughter.

Even shivers. The feeling is gone as quick as it came. What is this? Is he losing it? Even shuts his eyes and tries to forget it. He focuses on the taste of the beer, and hopes for an early buzz, so he can settle his nerves. He knows he shouldn't drink too much, but he'll allow himself two today. He takes another sip, and swallows.

– The food is ready in about seven minutes, he explains.

Isak leans his hip to the table. – Okay. Are we eating here, or should we take it in the livingroom?

– _Isak_ , Even says, and fakes to be shocked. – Of course we can't eat in front of the telly, what are you thinking? We’re civilized.

Isak rolls his eyes. – Whatever. It’s practical sometimes.

God, Even loves when he rolls his eyes like that. – Yeah well, I won't have any chewing of meatballs during Moulin Rouge, thank you very much.

– Moulin Rouge?

Isak looks at him with dark eyes.

– Yeah, I thought we could watch that since we never got to see it…

Even’s voice falters when he realizes the mistake. Looking at Isak’s face, Even gets that it might be a bad choice. That movie is of course a reminder of when everything got fucked up between them.

– Uh, if you don't want to, we can find something else?

Isak looks away, and shrugs. – No, it’s fine. I don't care. I want to see it, so...

Then the dinner is ready, and Isak helps Even set the table. They sit down to eat, and Even is ridiculously happy about the fact that Isak takes a huge portion. Even finds more beer, and they dig in. Even is pleased. It’s good; it’s really good. It tastes like his own childhood memories. Even hums and mashes the potatoes in the brown sauce, just like he used to when he was a kid. He wants to lick the sauce of the plate, but he doesn't.

Isak finishes his plate, sits back and looks at Even. He looks content, almost happy. Even realizes that he has seen that look in Isak`s face before, in another setting, and the memory of it gives him a strange feeling in his belly and makes his dick move in his pants. _Fuck, I need to pull myself together._

Isak sighs. – That was so good, Even. _Takk for maten_.

Even smiles a wide smile. – You're welcome.

Isak leans back, and takes a sip of his beer. – This meal reminded me of the dinners we used to have, at home. Dad made some mean meatballs.

Even notices that Isak doesn`t stop himself this time. He`s glad for it.

– My mom wasn't always… bad, you see, Isak says. He looks embarrassed. – And my dad wasn't an idiot all the time, either.

– Of course not.

Even has so many questions, but he knows he has no right to ask them. Not anymore. He should just be happy that Isak accepts to spend some time with him.

They look at each other for a beat.

Isak looks away, and stands up. – Well, let`s tidy up and put the movie on, then, he says, avoiding Even`s eyes.

Even nods, and follows his lead.

When the kitchen is tidy they bring their beers to the living room. Isak plops down on the sofa and Even finds the movie and puts it on. Even almost can't believe that Isak has agreed to this, but maybe he is fed up of avoiding him already. Even sits down next to Isak, and tries not to sit too close. Isak doesn`t seem to mind. He sits relaxed in the sofa with his eyes on the screen.

– So, is this just as sad as Romeo + Juliet, then? he asks, taking a large sip of his beer.

– Pretty much.

Isak nods. – I see. So you're a sucker for tragedies?

– Haha, I guess I am.

The movie starts. Even has a strange feeling, that he has been sitting with Isak like this before, watching movie after movie, in a far too small apartment, and in a bed instead of a sofa. He has this feeling, that he has lived with Isak before. What the fuck is happening to him? What are these weirdly detailed flashes of a life that he doesn`t recognize? He swallows another sip of beer and watches the movie.

When the first song comes on, Isak wrinkles his eyebrows. – A musical?

– Yeah, Even chuckles. – Just go with the flow, it's not that bad.

Isak shrugs, and continues to look. And Even is lost. That is, he is more lost in Isak than he is in the movie. It`s evident that Isak soon forgets that he is watching a musical, because he looks enchanted. Even has never seen a face so full of expressions as Isak`s face. Isak`s eyes are glued to the screen, and Even can see both amusement, sadness and worry, in his eyes. He smiles a little when something amuses him, and his mouth drop open when he’s surprised. Even never knew that watching someone else watching a movie could be so fascinating.

Even sips his beer and partly watches the movie, partly Isak`s face, and he starts to think that this was a bad idea. The scenes in this movie always make him emotional, and having his crush (who he`s trying to forget) next to him, only enhances his  feelings. _I should look away_ , he says to himself. _This isn't right._ It`s like he's torturing himself, pining after Isak, instead of moving on with his life. He just can't help himself. More than anything, he would like to pull Isak close and kiss him like mad. The beer doesn't help, the buzz just makes him relax and forget why they are staying away from each other in the first place.

Isak seems to be a little tipsy of the beer as well. After a little while he draws his feet up in the sofa, and leans a little closer to Even. Even rests his arm on the back of the sofa, so that Isak have room to come closer. After a while, Isak snuggles into Even, leaning his head on Even`s arm and shoulder. Even doesn't dare to move. Isak looks so into the movie, that he hasn't realized how close they sit.

Even tries to focus at the movie as well. It shouldn't be difficult; it’s the scene where they play El Tango de Roxanne. But uh. _That’s hot_. That's too fucking hot when he sits so close to Isak. Even watches how they move on the dancefloor, and listens to the slow, raw song, and it feels like too much. And then… Then he is taken back by the despair in the scene where Satine, who has offered to spend the night with the horrible Duke, sees Christian on the streets below, and realizes she cannot sleep with him. Even’s heart aches for Satine, Christian, but also for Isak and himself. And then the Duke attempts to rape Satine. Fuck, that's an intense scene. Isak seems to feel the same; he grabs his hand and stares at the telly.

– Fuck, this is so _wrong_ , he says, in a slightly drunk voice. – Poor Satine. And Christian still thinks...

– Yeah.

Isak swallows. – Fuck, I don't know if I can take this.

Even squeezes his hand. – Just wait, he says.

When the cabaret dancers rescues Satine, and she reunites with Christian, Isak relaxes a little. – But you said this is a tragedy, he mutters, and finishes his beer. – One of them dies or something, right? I really don't think I can handle it. This is too intense.

Even looks at Isak. Isak actually looks pale. Even can't help it, he strokes Isak’s hair. – It’s a good story, you know.

Isak looks at him. – Yeah, I know, I don't know why I react like this right now, to be honest.

– Should I turn it off?

Isak hesitates for a moment. – Yes. Yes please.

Even is a little disappointed that the movie night is over so soon, but at the same time he agrees with Isak. This movie is _too much_ tonight. To close. It’s like he can feel Satine’s pain in his body. He shuts the telly off, and they are suddenly sitting in the dark.

 _Oh_. Somehow the darkness makes the situation a lot more intimate. Even feels dizzy, but he's not sure if it's because of the beer or the feeling of Isak so close. He can feel Isak`s head against his shoulder and the heat from his body next to him. Even doesn't move, afraid that if he does, Isak will just go away.

Isak turns his head towards Even, and it’s just like he realizes how close they are. He stares at Even. – It’s not… I want to see the ending sometime… but just not now?

He talks slowly, like he needs to focus to talk clearly.

Even nods. His mind works slowly tonight, but he knows the feeling. He doesn't know if he wants all that heartbreak right now. The story is too relatable, to be honest. Satine hides her love to save Christian. Even can't handle that now, not while Isak is so close, and warm. Not when he feels tipsy and relaxed and it’s dark around them.

– You know what, Even, Isak says in a blurry voice. – I think I’m drunk.

Even laughs. – Me too, he says and tries to focus. – So how… how did you like the movie? he asks.

– I think I’ll love it, when I finally dare to see the end.

Isak laughs and leans closer into him. – I’m glad you wanted to see it with me, too. Not just Sonja. Sonnnjaaaa. That’s nice. You're nice.

Even shivers. Shit. Isak is tipsy, and snuggly, and warm next to him, and Even wants so badly to pull him closer and kiss him. He can't do that. Even if he forgot that he has decided to stay away, he can't do that. To pull him close and kiss him would… lead to things. And that would be to take advantage of Isak, and he can't do that. And. He just can't. Isak doesn't want people like him. Isak has enough to handle and Even would just fuck it up. _Faen_.

Isak looks at him. It’s dark, but Even can see how he looks. Isak grabs hold of his shirt.– I think… I think I want to kiss you.

– I… I don't…

Even has no words. He just stares as Isak and leans closer. Isak is just drunk, this doesn't mean anything. Still, he’s so tempting...

Isak`s soft lips meet his, and Even feels the tingling feeling along his spine, and the longing want in his gut. _We shouldn't…_ He can't help but meet the sweet kiss, but he keeps his hands to himself.

– We’re drunk, Isak, we shouldn't...

– Don’t care, Isak mutters into his mouth. His hand reaches up to Even`s neck and his curls there. _Oh god_. Isak is pulling his hair a little, and kissing and moaning into his mouth. – I want you… Why don't you want me, Even? I want you to touch me.

 _But I want you!_ Even can't breathe. He wants Isak so much it hurts, he just doesn't dare to move. – I want… I can't, Isak. We shouldn't do this.

Isak sits back, like Even has snapped him out of his buzz. He stares at Even with wide eyes.

– Fuck. Sorry.

Isak looks completely sober now. Even is dizzy. He feels like he doesn't have a clue about what just happened. He misses Isak’s lips.

–  I think I will go now, Isak says, in a hurry. He stands up. – I`m… sorry. Thanks for the food and… movie and stuff. See ya.

Isak leaves in the dark. And Even sits alone in the dark room and knows that his little attempt to build a friendship, is broken.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you liked this chapter. I know it`s sad, but the sadness won`t last forever. 
> 
> Next chapter is going to be very eventful, in so many ways, and I`m looking forward to post it already. :D


	4. Hold me close

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Isak and Even are trying to keep a distance while they are sharing Isak`s flat. Even tries to keep the distance because he thinks Isak doesn`t want mentally ill people in his life, and Isak because he is hurt. They keep having strange deja vu moments fro something that seems like another world. In the last chapter, Even rejected Isak when they were watching Moulin Rogue. Isak is heartbroken and frustrated. In this chapter we`ll see how they manage to stay apart. There might be a Halloween party.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for your kudoses and comments! They make it so fun to write this thing. 
> 
> And thank you to my beta reader for seeing possibilities in this thing. 
> 
> So. I hope you haven't been waiting too long! It's summer. Things take time. I promised some of you that a lot would happen this chapter. Well, I have postponed some of the stuff, but it will still be eventful enough, I think. 
> 
> I don`t think I have to warn about anything in particular in this chapter. Not this one. There is some smut. Nothing too bad. 
> 
> Enjoy the reading!

# 4\. Don`t leave me alone

_The first time Isak and Even met for real, was at a magical concert at Sagene Church. They left the concert without getting to know each other. Still, Even had this feeling, like he missed out on something special. And somehow, his life changed, anyway. Even broke up with Sonja that night, and the golden boy, or the lost dream, became a returning theme in his art and films. He never forgot. Isak decided to come out to his friends that night, watched Romeo + Juliet the next day, and dreamed about the lean, blonde guy for months. And nothing was ever the same._

 

## Isak: The Photos

 _Fuck fuck fuck_. Isak swears under his breath as he puts the duvet over his head. How could he be so stupid that he ate dinner with Even, watched a movie with him and got fucking drunk with him? How could he be so stupid that he kissed him, and said that he… _Fuck_. Isak`s head is so hot it`s nearly burning. He shivers, trying to push away the memory of how he had made a fool of himself. Kissing Even on the sofa. Begging for it. While Even had tried to keep a distance. Well, Even had answered his kiss, and it was so _good_ , but otherwise he was just… passive. Saying that they shouldn't do it. Isak groans in agony. How could he suddenly _forget_ that he was supposed to stay away from Even? Was he _that_ drunk?

Isak doesn't quite understand it; it must be that Even caught him off guard when he came out of the shower (not when Even walked in on him naked, and looked and looked and looked; that`s another story). Even had looked so small and freezing cold in the hallway, so sorry and so desperate to make everything better, and eh, well, meatballs sounded like heaven compared to the noodles Isak had planned to eat. So, he had just caved in. And after the dinner, the awesome dinner that tasted like his childhood, he was so content, happy and tipsy from the beer, that he didn't see the danger in watching a movie at all. He hadn't even protested to watch Moulin Rouge.

Christ, how could he have been so stupid? Watching that romantic movie next to Even was painful, at least when he saw where the story went. He wanted Even so much. The buzz from the beer made him relaxed and cuddly, while the film made him emotional and weird, and he lost his capability to keep a distance between them. He had snuggled into Even, oh man, and he smelt so good and felt so good. And when they kissed… His lips had been just as soft as he remembered. Shit. Isak groans when his dick hardens a little at the memory. He can't think about that now. Then he`s never going to sleep.

His mind betrays him, and he imagines all too well the slow kisses, and the sensation of Even`s body against his. The warmth and the scent from his skin, that made him dizzy. Isak had wanted to rip his clothes off. Fuck him there and then. And he remembers the way Even looked at him, in the shower, too. That blue stare that sort of looked like _want_. Isak had been embarrassed and pissed, but more than that startled, and so incredibly turned on.

Isak groans again, suddenly too aware that that his dick is rock hard. _Faen_ , he can't, he shouldn't… but he knows he won't sleep before he takes care of that pounding flesh between his legs.

Isak lets his hand stroke down his belly and reach for his swollen dick. He clutches his fingers around his dick and strokes and pulls it. The touch makes him sigh in relief, and pleasure, and he strokes his dick faster. He shuts his eyes and doesn't even try to stop himself when the images of Even pops up in his mind. He imagines Even looking at him with those amazing blue eyes, touching him with his long fingers… oh fuck, and kissing him with his soft lips… Oh God... Isak moans as silently as he can and moves to meet his own hands` movement. He imagines Even sucking his dick, and he imagines both fucking Even and getting fucked, and he comes embarrassingly fast in his hand, biting his teeth not to groan out loud.

The silence afterwards is lonely, and maybe a little shameful. Isak finds some paper to clean up, and sighs. Lies down again. It was only fantasies; he says to himself. _No harm in that_. At least he feels calmer now. He feels sleepy, too. It`s late. Maybe he can be able to sleep for once. Amazingly enough, Isak starts to drift off, and the last thought he has, is that he needs to avoid Even as much as he can. He knows now how difficult it can get, but it's the only way to survive this. He thinks. And then he`s gone.

To Isak`s own surprise, he sleeps the whole night, maybe because he's exhausted. He wakes up, does his routine, stays inside his room until Even is gone for work, and decides to visit the library. So he can keep his mind off things. Like Even. It only partly works, but at least he manages to stay away from Even the whole day. He`s so ashamed that he kissed Even, and so broken by the fact that Even rejected him _again_ , and he doesn`t bear the thought of meeting him. So, for the next days, Isak avoids Even as much as he can. He stays in his room until Even has left for work, and goes out or locks himself in again long before  Even`s back from work. It`s a boring life; he spends most of his time reading or playing games, or lying in his bed staring at the ceiling. When the boys can, he hangs with them. He sleeps a little better now, probably because it helps that he has his friends to talk to, but he still has some sleepless moments.

The thoughts about Even still bother him far too much, though. He seems to be unable to forget his eyes, his smile and the way he moves. Or the way he withdraws when Isak tries to kiss him. _Fuck_.

Luckily, he finds some things to occupy his mind with; like preparing for his new job, finding some books he wants and buying some things he needs for his room. And then he has a party to plan. That is, he mostly postpones the planning. Monday before Halloween, while Isak is sitting in the kitchen eating lunch, Jonas makes a chat to remind him that he has party responsibilities:

 

GUTTA

Jonas: Yo! On Thursday it`s happening! Halloween! Do you have everything planned for Thursday, Izzy?

Isak: Nah. Costumes, beers and snacks, does it have to be so complicated? I`ll fix that on Thursday.

Magnus: But we need _food_ , Isak! It could be themed and everything. Halloween food!

Isak: Stress.

Mahdi: It doesn't have to be stress. Everybody brings something. That`s chill.

Isak: Okay?

Jonas: I can make a list, or maybe a chat, where everyone can say what they bring.

Magnus: Should we add the other guests to this chat, so we all can plan it here? We can add this Even fellah you slept with, too?

Isak: NO! Jonas can make another chat for that, what the hell, Magnus.

Magnus: Jeez, it was just a suggestion, Isak, chill.

Jonas: How are you doing, Isak?

Isak: I`m fine. You know, mostly. Sorry I snapped. Anyway, I can bring snacks. And decorations, I guess.

Magnus: We can help you decorate.

Isak: That would be cool, actually. Do you have time to come early on Thursday?

Jonas: I`m in.

Magnus: Yasss.

Mahdi: Count me in.

 

Isak smiles a little, glad that he has his mates again. Otherwise, he don`t think he would survive this mess. He must admit that these last days have been horrible. He thinks about Even far too much for his own good, sleeps too little at night, and feels sad and grumpy most of the time. Well, at least he survives.

Isak finishes his lunch, and puts his plate in the dishwasher. He puts Even`s plate and cup in the washer too (Even always forgets those), and tidies the counter. After that, he puts on a washing cycle with both his and Even`s clothes. Housework isn't exactly his favorite chore, but he feels he should do a little extra in the apartment, since he is home most of the days, while Even is working. It's better this way, too. He doesn't want to meet Even, and he doesn't want to start an argument over dishes or laundry, so he just does it all.

Isak makes himself a cup of coffee, and leans against the counter. Even hasn't said how long he is staying, or told him if he has found a new flat. Well, now of course they haven't been talking at all lately, but Even could have sent a text. Isak sips his coffee. He wants to know as soon as possible, so he can get the guy out of his system and move on. Of course a part of him doesn't want Even to leave at all, but that's just a treacherous part of him that doesn`t want to let go of the impossible hope. The part of him that wants Even and would say yes to him, no matter what.

Isak winces and drinks the rest of his coffee. He needs to get a grip on himself. Even doesn`t want him anymore. It's that simple. He maybe likes to draw him a picture and kiss him a little, but he still doesn`t want him in the long run. It hurts to think about it, but it`s true.

And now they are having this party, and Even is going to be there, and Isak knows that he needs to be prepared. He needs to build up a facade, just like he has done so many times before, and pretend to be happy and easy going. And he can't drink. Not much, anyway. He needs to stay in control.

Isak jumps when his phone rings. It`s Eva. He picks the call with a surprised smile.

– Halla, Eva!

– Hei, Isak, _hvordan går det_?

 _How are you?_ Ugh, that question is horrible right now, but Isak’s smile grows wider when he hears Eva’s lovely Bergen dialect. – It`s fine. _Takk for sist_.

– Yeah, it was nice! I am just curious about the party.

– You are coming, right?

Eva laughs. – Of course. I`m always there for a party, you know. And my mother can babysit.

– Nice.

– And of course Noora, Vilde and Chris will come, too. I was going to say hi from them. I am going to meet up with Sana and them in a moment.

– Oh, you better say hi back to them, then.

– I'll do that.

Eva pauses for a moment. – So, Isak? I just wanted to ask how you're doing? Jonas said that you were a little down, or something?

– Ah, yeah… Isak hesitates, not certain about how much he wants to share. – I have sort of a heart break, I guess. I had a think with the guy I share this apartment with. Even. But I'm getting over it.

– Yeah?

 _No chance_. Not in a long time.

– Yeah, I think so. It`s difficult, but I'll manage.

– Is he coming to the party?

– Uhm yes.

– Alone?

– I think so.

– Wow, he's brave. Meeting all your friends alone, and knowing that we all are judging him. I must say I'm impressed.

Isak never thought about that, but it's kind of true. – There's honestly not so much to judge, he says. – He just wasn't interested, I suppose.

He swallows. _Why does it hurt so much to say that out loud?_

– Well, Jonas said he was acting like an asshole.

Isak smiles. – Jonas would think so. He’s my bro! Well, I think so too, sometimes. But Even`s a good guy, actually. He`s just… all over the place.

– I know that type, Eva laughs. – Sounds like you really like him, though.

– Yeah, I’m afraid so.

Eva hums. – So, are you going to be okay, Isak?

– Yes I am.

It`s not his fault if he doesn't sound 100 % convincing. Still, he's so glad that he can have this talk with Eva. He could always talk to her about shit like this. Well, almost. He sighs, feeling both a little happy and sad at the same time.

– Eva?

– Yeah?

– I just want to thank you, you know, for sticking by me all these years. Fuck, you have been there since we went to Grefsen!

He doesn’t mention that period in second grade when he didn’t dare to talk to her because he was so ashamed, but luckily, that didn't last so long.

– Of course, Isak, Eva says. Her voice is warm – You know, Jonas and the boys were by your side, too, even if you didn't see it at the time.

Isak must swallow, thinking about all the time he has wasted, feeling lost and horrible, when he just could have taken that call to Jonas.

– Fuck, I have been such an idiot.

– Well, you were not alone. Jonas could have picked up that phone a lot more often, too. And now we get a chance to start all over again. This party is brilliant, Isak.

Isak smiles. – Yeah, it's going to be fun. I expect you both to come in costume and everything?!

– Of course.

They finish the talk, exchanging small stories from their lives, and when Isak puts the phone down, he feels relatively okay.

That good feeling lasts in several minutes.

It ends when he realizes that his phone is low on battery, and he can`t find the charger anywhere. He needs that phone, it`s his life. It`s his alarm clock, computer, library, and his cord to the rest of the world, and it just can`t die. He looks all through the flat, without finding anything. Then he remembers; he brought the charger with him to Jonas and Eva’s house the other day, and must have forgotten it in the socket there. _Fuck_.

Isak looks at the time. If he goes to Jonas to get it, he will come back when Even is back home for work. They will have to talk. He doesn't want that. What if he borrows Even`s charger for some minutes, just so the phone can last until tomorrow?

Isak hesitates. That means that he would have to go into Even`s room and find the charger. And he hasn`t been inside of that room since… He pushes away the images of his first night with Even.

Well, he doesn't have time to hesitate. He needs to charge his phone, and he needs to do it now, or else he will have to meet Even. He walks up to Even`s door and hesitates for a little moment before he goes in. Everything looks fine, just like he knew it would, but it still feels like he is trespassing. He avoids looking at the bed and hopes he can be quick.

Luckily he finds the charger on Even`s desk right away. He picks it up and turns around, and is ready to get out in a hurry, but he freezes. One of the doors to Even's wardrobe is standing open, and the sight of what's in there, makes Isak's heart stop.

On the inside of the wardrobe door hangs hundreds of photos, notes and small bits and bobs. That shouldn't be so strange, if it wasn't for what the photos mainly was of Sagene Church. _The church where I met him._ Isak stares, he doesn`t get it. There are photos of the church from all possible angles, from the inside and outside. Some of the photos are very good, but not all. There are also photos of crosses, flowers and candles, and clippings that looked likes stills from Romeo + Juliet. The images seem to be from that scene with Romeo and Juliet in the church. Isak stares at the photos, trying to find a pattern, or a meaning with it all. He doesn`t seem to find any. Inside the wardrobe in the shelfs there are several DVD`s marked with Sagene Church and different dates. A lot of DVD`s. How much have Even been filming? This is more than a little project. There is also a large stack of books. Isak picks up one of the books and sees that it's full of drawings of the church, of crosses, flowers, guns and all sorts of images. Isak stands back and gapes. _What the fuck is this?_

– What are you doing here?

Isak startles, with his heart racing like never before.

 _Even_. Staring intensely at him. His eyes are so ice blue, and Isak can't look away.

– I, uh...

Isak stutters and lifts his hand with the charger. – I`m sorry, I just needed to borrow your charger.

Even nods slowly, looking suspicious and a little pale. He still stares at Isak, as if he`s trying to read every possible sign in his face.

– And you just had a little look into my wardrobe? he asks.

Isak blushes, feeling horrible. – I`m sorry, the closet was open, and I… uh, wondered what it was. I recognized the church and I just had to look… I mean… It`s a lot.

Even comes closer, takes the book from him, and puts it back into the wardrobe. He still looks kind of guarded. And sincere.

– Yeah. I said that I have been fascinated by that church.

–  You did, Isak nods, still a little startled. – I think... I didn't realize how much.

– No, I suppose not.

Even shuts the closet. He shifts from one foot to the other. – I have been sort of drawn to that church for a long time. I don't know what it`s about, but I have just… tried to capture it somehow.

– Okay.

Isak nods. This is a little weird. It reminds him a little of his mother`s obsessions, and that freaks him out a little. But he can sort of understand that feeling of being drawn to that church. After all, he was drawn to Sagene church at the same moment that he came back to Oslo. He ended up there, anyway. And he has had his fair share of weird feelings since he came back. He sure as hell can’t judge Even for his obsessive project.

– I wonder why I ended up there, too, you know, he admits. – When I came back from Trondheim. It`s strange.

Even`s eyes are intense. – You didn't plan to go there?

– No, I was just walking about, not thinking.

– Huh.

– Yeah.

Isak doesn't dare to think on the possibility that there`s a _reason_ that both Even and he were drawn to this church, where they met all these years ago. Isak isn't superstitious, for fucks sake. He has never been, and he's not going to start now. Logic and reason are more his kind of thing. There must be a scientific explanation.

Even looks a little more relaxed now. – Well, he says and drops his bag by his desk. He doesn't look so pale anymore. – You can borrow my charger, Isak,  no problem.

– Thank you.

Isak clears his throat. – I`m sorry that I just walked into your room like this. I was a little desperate.

– It's okay, Even smiles.

 _That smile_. Isak swallows. But it`s good, Even says it’s okay, and this is over. The shock finally seeps out of Isak`s body, and he can start to think clearly again. He shouldn’t be here. Suddenly he remembers everything else, too. _The kiss_. Even doesn't want him. _Even doesn't care._ Isak needs to get out of here. One thing is certain: he doesn't want to talk to Even right now. Not in a long time. He`s going to continue to keep Even at a safe distance until he`s out of his life.

Even doesn`t seem to be in a hurry, though. He leans to his closet and looks at him. – I haven't seen you for a while, Isak.

That damn dark voice.

Isak shrugs. – I’ve been busy.

Even looks curiously at him, but doesn`t ask. Suddenly Isak can't think of anything else than the last time they met. When he was so close to Even, and so warm, and so desperate to kiss him. And when Even just sat there, in the darkness, and said they shouldn't do it. _Shit_. Isak can feel that he blushes.

Even suddenly looks a little nervous. – So is everything okay?

 _Why do you ask? You don`t care. It's really none of your business_.

– It's really none… Isak swallows his words. –  It's fine.

Even nods. – Thanks for fixing everything here, like the dishes, the laundry and everything.

He smiles a little, and makes Isak's heart skip a beat. – It`s nice. You're spoiling me, you know.

– No problem, Isak shrugs. – I'm home most of the time, so…

– It`s nice of you anyway.

Isak suddenly feels dizzy again.

_On the way out, can you go by the laundry cellar and move the clothes.._ _._

_Now?_

_Yeah. ...From the washer to the dryer._

_That takes ten minutes!_

_That doesn't take ten minutes. The last time you forgot, it smelled like mould._

_You're just sensitive. It takes two hours. ....If it's that important to you, I'm gonna do it._

Isak shivers, as he senses another Even and him sharing a tiny flat, where they mess about, banter over laundry, and kiss all the time. But what takes Isak's breath away, is the love. _All that love!_ It`s intoxicating and heartbreaking at the same time. How can that be? He swallows.

Even sighs, and looks a little embarrassed. – I`m sorry that you must share your flat with me, you know. This should be your flat, now. I know it must be frustrating.

 _You don't have a fucking clue how much_.

– Don't worry, it's fine.

Even nods. – OK, well... I'll tell you when I find something new, of course.

 _Why does he look so lost?_ Isak doesn`t get it. Suddenly he doesn't understand Even, at all. When they first met, he felt like they have this almost magical connection, and that they understood each other, but now it`s all a mystery. And he needs to get a grip; it's not his job to solve it.

– That`s good. Well. I should go.

Isak avoids Even`s gaze, and walks out of the room. – Thanks for the loan.

Behind him he hears a small: – No problem.

 

## Even: The Exercise

Even hardly sees Isak that week. The only sign of him, is the charger, that lies neatly at the table in the hall the morning after Even found him in his room. It`s pretty obvious that Isak is avoiding him. In the morning, Isak stays in bed until Even goes to work, and in the evening, he is either outside or locked up in his room until bedtime.

Even wonders if he is going to see Isak at all before the Halloween party on Thursday. They have texted curtly about the dishes and other practical things, but otherwise they haven`t seen each other since Isak was in Even’s bedroom. Looking at his Sagene Church wall. _Now, that was a shock._

Those photos and that closet is the most private part of his room. Even had been terrified that Isak had found one of the books where Even had tried to draw _the golden boy_. Luckily, he didn’t. That would have been a little bit too much to explain.

He had been so relieved when Isak didn't freak out about the closet. And so frustrated when the tension between them remained the same. When Isak left, Even had drawn a simple drawing of Isak and him by the church. He knew he probably shouldn’t, but he still put it in Isak`s pocket.

The days pass by, and Even feels like he's not quite himself. He's not depressed, and not manic, but he still sleeps too little, eats too little, and seems to zone out quite a bit. His thoughts seem to go in circles, and it's even difficult to focus at work. He is a little restless and jittery, too; he can admit that. It’s not too much, though. Nothing to worry about.

He meets up with Sana one evening, drinks some tea and chats a little with her. She fishes a little to find out what went wrong with Yousef and his other old buddies back in the days, but Even holds back. Sana knows more than enough already.

– You know, talking helps sometimes, she insists.

– My therapist say the same thing. She also says that I should decide when I’m ready to talk about stuff.

Sana shuts her mouth then. She knows he’s right.

– So… Are you ready to party with Isak on Thursday?

Even laughs then. – Probably not.

He’s so far from ready he can be. His belly tingles with butterflies, just thinking about it.

Sana smiles. – It’s going to be fine, just wait and see.

Even feels reality blur again, and he feels younger versions of them, whispering together:

_I have blackmailed Isak to come to Kosegruppa, Even. You’ll get the chance to meet him there._

_Blackmailed? Isn't that a bit rough, Sana?_

_He left his buddies’ drugs at Eva’s house. He deserves it._

_Right. But what do I do?_

_Talk? I don’t know, Even! That’s up to you._

_He just makes me nervous._

_It’s going to be fine._

Even comes to his senses, and stares at Sana, who’s staring back. She looks worried. – What happened?

Even shakes his head, still feeling a little dizzy. He holds his teacup in both of his hands. Tries to focus one here and now. – Have you ever had a déjà vu? he asks.

– All the time. Why?

– I think I had one. Or something similar, I don’t know.

Even frowns. No matter what it was, it was pretty detailed. He pauses. Drums his fingers at his teacup. – Did Isak ever leave some drugs at Eva’s house?

Sana stares at him, eyes wide. – How do you know about the weed? Did he mention it?

 _Damn_. This is for real. Even struggles to keep calm, but manages to just shrug. – What happened?

– I took care of the weed. Then I pushed Isak and his buddies to join our revue group. Isak only came once, though.

Even thinks for a moment. His thoughts are spinning so fast that he hardly follows them. – Huh. So you would have done that anyway, then. With or without me.

– What are you talking about? Sana says, and looks confused.

Even feels elated; it’s like he _almost_ gets what’s happening with these strange moments, like he _almost_ grasps it, he’s so close, and it makes him sort of fired up.

He laughs. – The Butterfly Effect. Sometimes the ripples are huge, sometimes only small. It makes me dizzy to think about it...

Sana grabs his hand and looks him in the eyes. – Are you sure you’re all right? You’re not making any sense!

Even smiles a trembling smile, as he tries to gather his scattering thoughts. – Actually, I think I’m fine, he says. – I have had these strange bouts of déjà vu, and thought I was getting sick, but now I think it’s something else. I’m okay.

 _I am okay. I am fine._ Even takes a big sip of his tea. This lightheaded feeling is about the moments, nothing else. _No worries._

Sana nods. – Okay. So. These déjà vu moments… What are they about?

– Isak, mostly, Even laughs. He still feels pretty fired up. – Why?

– Just curious, Sana shrugs.

They chat for a little longer, but that night Even stays awake for a long time. He lies awake, thinking about parallel universes, déjà vu moments, and about actions and their consequences. His thoughts are spinning and his feelings are all over the place, and he thinks he’s pretty close to understand everything.

Tuesday night, two days before Halloween, he realizes that he hasn’t slept well for several days. He’s restless and has too many things to think about. It`s midnight when he steps out of his bed, and goes to get something to drink. He pours himself some water in the kitchen. Then he eyes one of Isak`s snapbacks on the counter, and he zones out again.

It doesn't surprise him that Isak is avoiding him. However, the moment when Isak kissed him, had surprised him. It had shocked him, to be honest. Isak hated him, didn't he? That kiss must have been because of the beer or something. Well, it won't happen again. Even knows he’ll be lucky if they ever can become friends. As long as Isak keeps avoiding him, that won't happen either. Most likely, Even will find a new flat and move out, and that will be it. It hurts like hell to think about it, though. Even must admit he still wants Isak, just as much as he did in the beginning. He can't help it.

Even paces the kitchen floor and drinks his water in big gulps. He still thinks that they can't be together. Or maybe, he doesn’t know. His thoughts are all jumbled up. He knows he _should_ stay away from Isak, at least to guard his feelings. Still, he can't seem to forget him. Even if Isak`s hardly in the apartment when Even is there, there are signs of him everywhere. He leaves his snapbacks and hoodies around the living room (Even has never tried to discretely sniff one, not at all), and Isak always seems to forget to tidy away the cheese after breakfast. His shelves in the kitchen have been filled with food that confirms the theory that he is no gourmet, and the shelves in the bathroom has things that aren't Even’s. Isak leaves books and magazines in the toilet, too. He`s everywhere.

Even stops for a moment, leans against the counter, and shuts his eyes for a moment. Well, he just needs to forget Isak, doesn’t he?

The world shifts again, and he's suddenly in that other small flat with Isak again. His breath hitches. They are in their small kitchen, and Isak is washing the dishes. They talk, and banter and fool around, and Even is filming it all. The domesticity of the whole scene, and the _love, love, love_ he senses, makes his heart clench.

And then it`s gone.

He snaps out of his thoughts, or visions, or whatever it is, puts his empty glass down, tries to calm his beating heart, and turns to go back to his room. As he goes through the door, a warm body bumps into him.

– Ugh.

Grumpy green eyes look at him.

 _Isak_. Even drops his hands, which automatically had grabbed for him when they crashed. His heart starts pounding again. It’s like Isak just stepped out of his love drunk déjà vu, or hallucination, and it’s a lot to process.

Isak looks tired, with messy hair and half lidded eyes. He looks adorable. He's got only a pair of boxers on, showing off his bare chest and skinny legs.

Even swallows, and tries to snap out of his confused daze. – Uh, hi.

– Hi.

Isak rubs his eyes. – Just getting some water, he mutters.

– Me too.

Even can't help but smile. It`s so good to see Isak again, even if it`s just for a moment. He knows he shouldn’t think like that, but he misses Isak. He misses him so much.

He steps aside, so Isak can pass by him. Isak stumbles up to the sink, and pours himself water, with his back to Even. He somehow looks so small, and his neck vulnerable. That moment Even had earlier must have messed with him somehow, because he can’t move. Even knows he should go, but he just… doesn’t want to.

He taps his fingers at the doorframe, trying to release some of the restlessness in his body. – Everything okay? he asks, trying to sound relaxed. – With the flat and everything?

Isak turns and looks at him, drinking his water. – Yeah, it`s good.

His Adam’s apple bobs when he drinks. Even can`t quite look away.

– That`s good, he says. He bites his lip. – Are you still having trouble sleeping?

Isak leans at the counter, holding his glass. – Yeah. Well, it`s a little better, to be honest. I think it helped to talk a little with my friends.

– Yeah, it can help to get things off your chest, Even nods. His heart beats slowly inside of him. The thought that Isak struggles with this, partly because of him, hurts. He pauses. – You know, I`m really sorry about… everything.

Isak sighs, looking irritated. – Jesus, Even, stop saying you're sorry. I said that it was good, didn’t I?

– I guess.  

They look at each other for a beat. Isak looks sleepy, grumpy and gorgeous. His hair is messy in a way that makes Even want to tangle his fingers into it. His green eyes gaze at him, as if he’s trying to understand him.

– So, why are _you_ up, Even?

Even shrugs, and smiles. – I have had a little trouble sleeping lately, too. That happens sometimes. No biggie.

Not if he manages to control it. Soon.

Isak nods, looking thoughtful. – I suppose you know all the tricks, then?

– Oh yeah, Even chuckles. – I have tried them all. Staying away from caffeine, avoiding technology, counting sheep, warm milk, meditation… Well, meditation wasn't that bad, really.

Isak raises his eyebrows. – Did it help you sleep?

– I don’t think so, Even laughs, – but it made me relax. Oh, and massages, too. That's pretty good.

Even’s head spins, as he imagined giving Isak a massage. He would have loved that.

Isak looks at him for a moment, and nods. – Ever tried yoga? he smiles, like he thinks about something funny.

– No?

Isak grins. – Eskild made me go once. It wasn't that bad, really, but it was harder than I thought. Don`t think it helped me sleep, though.

Even laughs. He wants to smile, and laugh and dance, all at once. He is talking with Isak. They are having a conversation. Isak isn't running away.

– Well, it sounds like we have tried almost everything, then, he says.

Isak nods. There’s a little silence between them. Even wishes he had an idea of something that could help them both get some sleep. Well, they slept like babies the last time they shared a bed, but he suspects that Isak won't appreciate that suggestion. Hell, he shouldn't think of things like that at all.

Isak licks his lip. For a moment, he looks shy. – I uh, found your drawing, he says. He smiles a little.

His smile does things to Even.

– Yeah? he breathes.

– Yeah. I liked it, it was good.

Isak’s eyes are honest. Even smiles, and something relaxes inside of him.

– Thank you.

Okay. He may not be able to help Isak with his sleeping, and they might never become anything more, but he made Isak smile a little. That`s _something_.

– I like to see you smile, he admits. – I draw, so I can see your smile.

 _What the fuck?_ He probably shouldn't say shit like this, but he can't help himself. Isak stares at him, and looks a little confused and flustered.

Even swallows hard. – Well, I should go back to bed now, he says. – Natta, Isak.

Isak waves his hand, kind of awkward and cute.

– Natta.

Even turns, and goes back into his room. It takes some time before he calms down, but somehow, he manages to sleep the rest of that night. He dreams about climbing a mountain, and suddenly losing his grip. But when he fears that he’s about to fall to the ground, he flies.

The next morning, before he goes to work, he leaves another drawing in Isak`s pocket, with an image of Isak and Even, sound asleep. _In another universe_. He smiles, feeling a little sad and happy at once, wondering what Isak would think about it.

He doesn't get to meet Isak that day, either, though. Isak texts him that he’s going to be busy all day. Apparently he, the boys and some of the girls are celebrating Magnus’ birthday by going bowling. Even doesn't feel left out, but he definitely feels lonely. And restless. He misses Isak. It helps when he gets a text:

 

ISAK ❤

Isak: Thank you for the drawing. I liked it.

 

Even is still at work when he gets it, and he smiles. And then he loses all his focus. He feels restless, and almost on edge. He wants so badly to do something more for Isak. Make him feel better. Help him sleep. But what can he do? Even’s thoughts are spinning, and his head are full of useless ideas. He can't just say that they should share the bed, no matter how tempting that is (and it’s fucking tempting). He shouldn't suggest a massage, either… That could… lead to things. But maybe they could try to meditate?

He thinks about the possibility all day, and it makes him feel excited, and almost on edge. After work, and a quick dinner, he decides to bake some muffins, just to keep himself busy. Apart from filming and drawing, baking has always helped him calm down. So he bakes, and he bakes a lot.

That night, when Isak comes home from celebrating with Magnus, Even pops out of the kitchen, determined to catch Isak before he disappears into his room.

Isak looks at him with wide, green eyes. His lips are parted, like in surprise. Even wants to kiss him, but of course he doesn't. He can't help grinning at Isak, though. – Halla!

– Halla, Isak smiles. He puts his jacket away.

Isak looks good, Even notices. Content. Like his guard is down for a moment. Even likes it.

Now Isak looks around. – Are you baking? It smells like in a confectionery here!

Even laughs. – Eh, yeah, I have made some chocolate muffins. And vanilla, and some with cinnamon and apple. I even tried some with cardamom. You wanna taste?

Before Isak has time to answer, he pops into the kitchen and picks up a muffin with cardamom. He goes back into the hallway and hands it to Isak.

Isak looks surprised, but he smiles, and takes a bite. Then he makes a sound that makes Even’s dick twitch.

– Oh god, that’s so good.

Even smiles. – Thanks! You see, I sometimes bake stuff when I… well, when I need to process something. OR release some stress.

– Fuck, you can wind down like this as often as you like, Even, this is amazing.

– Oh, wait, you need some milk, Even laughs, and he goes into the kitchen again to fetch some.

When he gives Isak the glass, Isak looks a little shy, confused and flustered. – What’s going on, Even? Are you buttering me up, or something?

He takes a big sip of milk and another bite of the muffin. Then he groans. – Fuck, this tastes good together.

Even laughs again, trying to ignore what the sound does to him. – No, it’s true, Isak, nothing’s going on. I’m just... winding down, and making a mess of the kitchen in the process.

Isak chuckles, as he finishes his muffin. Then he chugs the rest of his milk. His eyes are smiling.

Even swings from his toes to his heels and back. – So. You had a good time today?

– Yeah, actually, it was nice. Magnus seemed to enjoy it a lot. Well, we all did.

If Isak looked good before, now he looks happy. A little pleased with himself. Even loves to see him like this.

– Your team won, eh?

Isak chuckles. – Yeah.

He looks at Even, as if he’s waiting for something. He probably is.

Even struggles to find the right words. – You know, I have been thinking. About our troubles sleeping. And I thought, that we should try something.

– Yeah?

– Yeah. You remember I mentioned meditating?

Isak looks suspicious. – Sounds too weird to me.

– Not at all, Even says. – My therapist has taught me some simple relaxation exercises, and I have found one that we could listen to. It could be worth a try, don't you think?

Isak shrugs. His eyes are careful, and guarded, like he doesn't know what Even wants. _Yeah, what do I want?_ Even is certain he wants something he shouldn't. Now, he only wants Isak to say yes, though.

Even knows he looks almost like he's begging at the moment. – I just wanna… help somehow. You are so amazing, letting me stay here and fixing everything, and I wanna… do something back.

– You made some amazing muffins. That’s more than I deserve, I promise you.

Even won't listen to that. – I mean it, Isak. Maybe it could help us both?

Isak looks hesitant. – I suppose it couldn't hurt to try. But where should we do it? In the living room? What if one of us falls asleep? It will be a hassle to go back to bed.

Even hesitates. – Well, my bed is big, we could try it there. If you don't feel that it`s... weird.

Isak looks at him for a beat, but then he shrugs. – Why should I think it's weird? We'll just keep a safe distance or something, right? Anyway, it won’t work.  I'm pretty sure I won't fall asleep at all.

– Okay, Even says. His heart beats faster. This is actually happening.

– Okay. So how do we do this?

The nerves makes Even want to jump around, but he rocks from his toes to his heels instead. Taps his fingers at the door frame. – I guess that I should tidy up the mess in the kitchen, and that we should do our evening routines, and then put on something we can relax in, or sleep in. And you should bring your duvet, just in case. And then I'll put on the clip on my stereo...

He knows he talks too much, and too fast, so he shuts up.

Isak nods. He looks a little pink in his cheeks. – Fine. I can't believe we're actually trying this, but okay.

Even grins. The fact that Isak actually wants to do this, even if he has tried to avoid Even for days, makes him ridiculously happy. And almost turned on. Is that a little weird?

He rinses his voice. – So, do you want a night time snack, or tea, or warm milk, or something first?

Isak smiles, and gives him back the empty glass of milk. – No, I`m good.

– We'll meet up in my room in about five, then?

– Sure.

Even is excited, and nervous. He tidies up the worst mess in the kitchen, brushes his teeth and takes off all of his clothes except his t-shirt and boxers. Then he finds the clip he`s thinking about, and sits down on his bed and waits. And he tries not to think about the fact that Isak soon will lie in his bed.

After a couple of minutes, Isak`s in the doorway. Standing in his boxers and t-shirt, with his duvet in his arms, looking nervous and adorable. He looks at Even with a shy expression in his eyes, and it makes Even’s heart beat in all sorts of strange ways in his chest.

Even springs to his feet. – Good, there you are. So. We should turn the lights off, and then we should lie down on our backs. Try to relax.

He realizes that he talks faster, in an attempt to make them both less nervous. Calmer. He needs to fucking _calm down_.

Isak still looks shy and a little flustered, as he gazes at Even under his dark lashes. But then he nods. – Okay, he says and turns off the light.

Even climbs into the left side of the bed, as Isak climbs into the right. Even packs himself into the duvet, being careful not coming too close to Isak. _God, to be in the same bed as Isak…_ The last time they were in this bed they were having the best sex ever. His dick seems to remember that far too well. How did he get this stupid idea? Even tries to ignore his racing pulse.

Then they lie side by side, staring at the ceiling. Well, at the moment Even is so blinded that he only sees blackness.

– Okay. So, Even breaths out. Trying to sound calm. – Do you wanna chat a little before we try this? Just to… I don't know… wind down? Or feel ready?

He knows he would love to chat. To hear something from Isak`s day. But that's not why he's doing this. He’s doing this to help Isak. Period. Isak should choose.

– I don't know, Isak says. His voice is shaky. – It's okay to talk a little. Otherwise I'm afraid I'm going to start laughing or something stupid like that, and then it won't work.

Even smiles. The jittery feeling fades a little as he hears Isak’s shaky voice. He's looking to the side. He starts to see contours of Isak in the darkness now. –  You know, that's just fine if you laugh. This can be ridiculous at times. And if you feel bad about it, we can even start over.

– Okay.

– So… A little talk. You had fun today?

– Yeah. It was good, Isak says, and sounds almost happy. – Magnus did a lot of stupid things as usual, but it was okay.

He pauses for a moment. – I'm glad I'm back with the boys again. And the girls.

He almost sounds embarrassed.

– I get that. It was brave, you know. To just contact them and start over.

God knows Even doesn't have a courage like that.

Isak laughs. – I probably wouldn't have done it if I wasn't still on a little high from…

His voice falters. From ruling the job interview that day? From meeting Even? From fucking him? Even doesn't know, but he still gets it. Isak contacted Jonas that day they had been together, everything was good and he still didn't know that Even was backing out. _Ouch_.

– It still was brave, he says, not commenting that day anymore.

Isak rinses his voice. – I got a surprise today, he says, and it’s like he's trying to cover up the whole thing.

–  Yeah?

– Definitely. In high school, Magnus and Vilde were like this couple that always were sickening in love. I mean, they were good for each other, but they were just… too much. However, they apparently broke up a couple of years ago. And now… Magnus, who always had bad luck with girls earlier, is dating Laila, one of the hottest girls from school. And Vilde is dating... Ingrid. Isak sounds amused. – I didn't see that coming.

– Magnus dating a hot girl or Vilde dating… a hot girl?

Isak laughs. – Both. Vilde did hook up with girls at parties, but I still never guessed that she likes girls that way. And Magnus was always too desperate. Nobody could have guessed that he would end up with that beauty, Laila.

Even smiles when he hears the amusement in Isak’s voice. – Sounds like you like what’s happened.

– I do. It’s good to see them happy. And you know, tonight Magnus admitted that he’s bi, too. That explains all his questions back when I came out. I just thought he was rude.

– Magnus sounds like a fun guy, Even comments. He isn't jealous. Not at all. But he is curious.

Isak laughs. – He is. Just a little annoying, sometimes. He has no filter. You're going to like him, though, I’m sure of it.

Even smiles. He wants to hear more. – How about your other friends? Are they still dating their high school sweethearts?

– Well, Jonas is married to Eva, and they have two small monsters already.

Even wrinkles his eyebrows. – Didn't you fuck up things with them once?

– Well, yeah. I really did, Isak admits. He suddenly sounds sad.

– What happened?

Isak sighs. Even can hear that he hesitates. But maybe the darkness gives him courage, because he answers: – Fuck. Well. Please don’t hate me. You know, I was miserable back then; everything was horrible at home, and I had a stupid crush on Jonas. I hated that I always was the fifth wheel around Eva and Jonas. Or their meddler.

Isak pauses for a moment, and when he continues, his voice is smaller: – When Eva told me she had hooked up with another guy, I told her not to tell Jonas. And then I told someone else. And there were rumours. And drama. And of course Jonas found out about Eva. It was horrible.

Even nods, even if Isak can't see it. – And Eva almost transferred to another school, and they broke up.

– Yeah.

Isak groans. – I was a really shitty friend, Even. Pretended to support both Eva and Jonas, and then I backstabbed them both.

Even smiles weakly. He knows how it is to do shitty things because you have a crush on your best friend. – Well, crushes can make people do a lot of stupid things, he says.

– I guess. Fuck, I’ve never told anyone else all about this.

– I am glad you told me, Even says. And deep inside, he wishes he had the courage to tell Isak about his own dark secret. His own shame. He just can't.

Isak sighs. – Luckily, they got back together.

– Sounds like everything worked out just fine, then. What about your other friends?

– Well, Mahdi is still single. Eskild and Linn, too, I think. But Sana is married to Yousef and Noora is living with William. So yeah, some have been lucky.

– Yeah.

Again, Even can't help imagining being Isak’s high school boyfriend. He would have loved that.

– So… how's your day been then? Isak asks. His voice is quiet.

– Good. You know, work. The kids drive me mad sometimes, but I love working with them. And after work I just... chilled.

– And made a shit load of muffins.

– Yes I did. And I did a lot of thinking. At least enough thinking to get the idea that we could do this.

Isak laughs. – Okay, he says. – Thinking and baking. I thought you were a social guy, but lately I have been more social than you!

Even must laugh, too. – Yeah, that’s true, actually. I don’t know why.

Even realizes that he hasn't been very social at all, lately. He’s been obsessing about his filming, and pictures, and… well, Isak. Obsessing is not good. He should probably do something about that.

Isak releases a breath. – Well, he says. – I think I`m ready.

Right. The relaxation thing...

– That`s good, Even says and thinks for a second. – Before we start, you can just try to breathe in slowly, and out again, with your hand on your belly.

He hears Isak draw his breath, and release it. Somehow it seems like he relaxes a bit more beside him.

– You feel that way your belly moves?

Even wants to touch Isak’s belly. Of course he doesn't suggest that. – That means you're breathing right.

– Yeah, I guess I do.

– Okay, then I think we're good to go.

Even turns in the bed, searching for the remote.

– Even?

Even halts for a moment. – Yeah?

He can barely see Isak’s face in the dark, but he seems sincere.

– If this somehow works, even if I think it won't, I just wanna say thanks. Well, even if it doesn't work, too.

Even feels warm all over. He smiles, and tries to look indifferent as he puts on the clip. – No worries, Isak.

 

## Isak: The Sleepover

Isak tries to relax. Lying in Even`s bed again, next to Even, in the darkness, feels weird. This whole idea feels weird. His thoughts bounce around, from the last meetings with Even, to the bowling with his friends and to everything else. It`s like his thoughts are afraid to land on something specific. He doesn't know why he accepted this. Even had just looked so excited.

He probably should have said no. But he does what Even says. Breathes calmly in. And out. And somehow, something in him relaxes. At least the tension in his belly. Okay, he'll try this.

Even turns on the sound clip, and a warm voice fills the room.

– _Begin by lying on your back... You can change positions any time you need to in order to be more comfortable, but start by lying on your back for now._

Isak listens to the soothing voice, glad that he doesn't have to lie still all the time, in case he`ll need to scratch his nose or something.

– _Now mentally scan your body for areas of tension. Take note of how your body feels._

Isak tries to sense his tension. His body lies rather flat on the bed, but he can feel that he's not exactly fully relaxed. His neck is a little stiff, maybe. Hell, his whole body is a little tense, right now. Because of the strange situation and eh… well, Even. The warm voice from the clip is soothing, though.

– _During this exercise, you will focus on releasing any tension in your body, and on quieting the mind. Once the mind is calm and peaceful, you will easily drift into pleasant, restful sleep._

Isak listens to the calm voice, feels how it makes him relax a little more, and wonders if Even is relaxing, too. Even never looks tense, well not like Isak, anyway. His breathing sounds relaxed and steady next to him.

– _Breathe in, drawing in life-giving air and relaxation._

Isak breaths slowly in, trying to feel that relaxation.

– _Exhale slowly, expelling any tension._

He breaths out. Somehow, he actually feels like some of the tension leaves his body with his exhale.

– _You might have thoughts about things you did today, or things you need to do, or maybe you are worried about something._

Isak has to smile. That's for sure. All the time.

– _Now is the time to clear your mind for sleep, so tomorrow you will be refreshed and strong and can handle your duties and roles._

Isak listens to the voice and tries to believe it. It would be so nice to have had a full night's sleep again.  

– _Now take a few moments to do the thinking you need to do before you sleep. Focus on something you need to think about before you sleep. For the next two minutes, do any worrying or thinking you decide to do._

Isak huffs. Isn't this supposed to help him _not_ think about all his worries? But okay. He can probably afford two minutes. He chooses to focus on… Even. It's embarrassing, but Even is the one he worries about the most, even more than his mother and his new job. He worries, because he wants to stay away from him, at the same time as he wants to be with him, and it's… tiring. Even`s mixed signals are tiring, too. One moment he’s pushing Isak away, and the next moment he’s drawing him a picture or helping him to meditate. It’s confusing. Isak sighs. He can't solve this thing with Even, though. Not until Even leaves. He can only try to keep distance. Be friendly.

– _Now it is time to clear your mind for sleep_ , the warm voice says. – _There is nothing else you need to be doing at this moment. Nothing you need to be thinking, except calm, relaxed thoughts._

Well, that's true. Nothing he needs to deal with now. Isak feels how the words make him relax. His whole body feels heavy. There really isn't anything else he needs to do, right now. Everything can wait.

– _Where in your body is today's tension stored? Focus your attention on the part of your body that feels most tense. Breathe in deeply, and then let that tension go as you breathe out with a sigh._

Isak focuses on his neck, where he still can feel some tension. Then he breaths in, and lets the tension go as he breaths out. This actually works… He breaths slowly, in and out. His whole body feels warm, calm and relaxed. He is warm and safe in his duvet and he never wants to get out of here again.

_Notice where your body feels most relaxed. Let that feeling of relaxation grow with each breath. Spreading further and further the feeling of relaxation._

Right now, Isak is relaxed all over. He keeps breathing slowly in and out and feels the relaxation spread in his body. He’s so calm, and he feels almost free, like flying. For a moment he feels emotional. Like all the relaxing has made his feelings seep out, or something. Sadness. Love. Happiness. All his longing for Even. All at once.

Suddenly he smells... cardamom. And it’s a memory of fooling around in the kitchen with Even. And of the amazing muffin in the hallway. But it’s also a faint echo from something else. Something that makes him happy and sad at the same time. Like in a daze, Isak realizes that the cardamom to him is life, love and everything that makes life worth living. It’s Even. His heart almost bursts of the intensity of his own emotions.

He allows the feelings to flush over him as he breathes through it. If a tear or two falls into his pillow, it doesn't matter. Nobody needs to know that. He just breathes.

Even breathes next to him, and Isak is warm, safe and so relaxed. His body starts to feel heavy. He yawns. This feels good. He thinks that it feels so nice, that it doesn't matter if it helps him sleep or not, and then... he`s gone.

He sleeps the whole night, dreaming about dancing, or flying, or both, and then he’s running after something, or someone. When he wakes up, he doesn't know if he found what he looked for. When he wakes up, he doesn't care. Because when he wakes up, he feels rested.

Isak stretches, and feels good. He also feels the weight of something over him, holding him down. _Even_. Even`s arm lies over his chest, and his body is right next to his, warm as an oven.

 _Oh my god_. Isak is suddenly very awake and very alert to every sensation in his body. Including the sensation of a growing dick in his boxers. Isak groans. His dick has no right to react like this. Even is… not his. He needs to get out of here, and fast. Before Even wakes up, and notices.

Isak tries to move, but Even mumbles in his sleep and pulls him closer. _Oh fuck_. Somehow their duvets have tangled into one another, and now Isak can feel Even`s body against his. No barrier between them, except their underwear. Even is so hot, and so close... This… _this is just too much_. Isak swallows hard. While his heart is racing, he slowly entangles himself from Even`s heavy limbs, pulls his duvet with him and sneaks out. If he stops to take a quick glance at Even before he leaves, or if he needs to have an extra long shower that morning, nobody needs to know that.

 

## Even: The Costume

Thursday at mid-day, when Even is sitting at work drinking his chai and trying to focus on everything but Isak, his phone pings, and he picks it up. His heart beats faster when he sees Isak`s name.

 

ISAK ❤

Isak: Thank you for the meditation thing. It seemed to work, since I sort of passed out.  So, there's that Halloween party tonight. We should tidy up a bit.

 

Even smiles a shaky smile. The relaxation thing _had_ worked, no doubt about it. Isak had been gone almost straight away and slept like a kid, while Even watched him for hours. Drew him. Dreamt about him. Isak was so beautiful and so fucking hot in his sleep that Even couldn't look away.

In the end. Even didn't sleep more than an hour or two, but waking up with Isak was definitely worth it.

Even shuts his eyes. For a moment, he allows himself to imagine the sensation of Isak in his arms this morning. It had felt so right. Sexually frustrating, but right. Isak’s body had been so warm, close and tempting… Well, until Isak woke up and snuck out of bed, anyway. Leaving Even so hot and bothered that he had to jack off. And then another time in the shower, too.

Even blushes, and he feels his dick move in his pants. He wrinkles his eyebrows. Is it starting to be a little much? Like hypersexuality? Or is it only because of Isak? He shakes his head. Isak is so hot, it’s no wonder Even’s easily aroused. It’s probably nothing to worry about.

He shifts in his seat. Okay. He needs to forget about that now. Isak is talking about the party. Even should answer.

 

ISAK ❤

Even: I am glad you slept! We can do that again anytime you want to! So. If you like, I can do the kitchen and bathroom, if you take the living room and the hall?

Isak: Deal. I will see if I can find some tacky decorations.

Even: I have some from the Halloween Witch and Wizard Party last year in the cupboard in the hallway. Look before you buy anything.

 

There wasn't just _some_ things, to be honest. Even had been a little too eager last year, and ended up with loads of decorations. Isak should be impressed. Or scared.

Oh god, he feels on edge. He wonders for a second if it`s going to get awkward between them tonight. Hell, Isak probably doesn't want him to be there at all. Even thinks for a moment, then he sends a new text:

 

ISAK ❤

Even: Do you want me to leave the flat tonight? I don`t need to be there.

Isak: No, why? I invited you, didn`t I?

Even: Yeah, ok. You were clear about not wanting to be friends.

Isak: I said I was sorry, Even. You're welcome to the party.

Even: Cool. Should I dress up?

Isak: If you want to. I think most of us are going to. Do you have a costume?

Even: I'll figure something out, no sweat. Some perks of doing media –  I have lots of weird costumes.

Isak: Nice. Are you bringing someone?

Even: Nah. Should I?

Isak: No, that’s fine. See you later.

Even: Yeah, later.

 

Even sighs. He hates that they are so polite, and careful towards each other. There's no banter or humor, anymore. Just politeness. He would prefer it if Isak yelled at him, to be honest. But Isak doesn't seem angry anymore. Why is that a little disappointing?

Even tries to focus on the computer in front of him, but fails miserably. His hands start doodling mindlessly on a piece of paper.

The restless feeling won't let go. He should watch the films that the kids have made, but he looks at Isak’s insta for a moment instead, googles parallel universes and gets lost in an article about parallel numbers and the Butterfly Effect. It’s surprisingly interesting. The idea still freaks him out, though.

He gets interrupted by a colleague who knocks on his door and asks him to come for drinks, but Even explains that he’s going to a Halloween party. Trying not to blush, because why should he? Then he tells the guy that he has a hopeless crush (god, why does he?), and they suddenly end up talking about Halloween movies. He promises the guy a rain check and admits to himself that he _is_ less social than before. Well, he can change that.

Afterwards he tries to focus on his job, but his thoughts drift to Isak and the party, again and again. They’re going to meet. Tonight. He’s going to see Isak, and talk to him. The thought makes him nervous and excited at the same time. And Isak’s friends are probably going to... hate him. Or at least be sceptical. After all, Isak must have told them what happened, and how Even treated him. Even cringes by the thought. He knows he deserves some scepticism, but he doesn't have to like it.

He sighs, trying to push away the nervous feeling in his gut. It’s just a party, anyway. Most people are happy and polite at parties; he knows they won’t treat him bad or anything. Maybe he even can manage to charm them? At least if Isak is in a good mood? He tries to tell himself that it’s going to be good. Everything`s going to be fine.

He’s well prepared. He has bought some beer, and he has even asked for Friday off. It’s going to be so good. He decides to put on his Frank costume, from Donnie Darko. That creepy rabbit can scare anyone, and he can put the head on if he wants to be left alone. Besides, he loves that movie. The dark and obscure humor of the movie fits his mood perfectly right now. It’s not like he’s in a _bad_ mood, but he’s excited, restless and frustrated, and it eats at him.

The rest of the workday goes by in a blur, and Even leaves work early. If he's going to get the kitchen and bathroom to look good, he needs some extra time. As he goes up the stairs to the flat, he feels nervous. Isak might be home, since he needs to decorate the living room. Will it be awkward to meet him? He somehow looks forward to it, anyway.

He walks inside, and finds Isak, and three other guys, hanging up Halloween decorations in the living room. Isak stands in the sofa, hanging up decorations over the window. His shirt glides up and shows off a stripe of his bare back, over long, slender legs and the curves of a really cute ass.

Even swallows and just looks. God, it's so nice to see him. And he looks good. Isak must really have had a good night sleep, or maybe he has had a relaxing time with his friends, but he looks good. He seems a little flushed in his face, like he has run around, cleaning and decorating.

The guys notice Even, and Isak turns and looks at him. – Halla.

 _Isak`s eyes_. Even has trouble breathing, it hurts so much that he can`t reach out to him and hold him. Kiss him. Fuck him. _Oh my god, what’s wrong with me?_

– Halla, Even finally answers, and clears his throat. – You found the decorations.

– Hell, yeah, says one of Isak buddies, the tall blonde one. He looks at Even with something like admiration in his eyes. – You must have had some huge party, there's loads of it.

Even smiles weakly. – I know.

Isak looks curious, but he doesn`t ask. – Boys, this is Even. Even, these are the boys.

It`s somehow painful to see how effortless and relaxed he is. Like nothing ever happened between them.

“The boys” come up to Even, to shake hands.

A guy with dark curls and bushy eyebrows, turns out to be Jonas. His handshake is firm, and he smiles, but still looks a little apprehensive. Even suspects he has heard the whole story, and is a little protective about his best buddy. Even can't blame him.

The dark guy called Mahdi, seems more laidback. He smiles wide and shakes his hand. – Nice to meet you, Even.

The tall blonde guy looks at Even with wide eyes, and grins. He takes Even’s hand with both hands and shakes it. – I`m Magnus!

His grin widens. – So you`re the one who banged Isak and ditched him in less than a day and night! And now you share the apartment, eh? Smooth!

– Magnus…

Jonas face palms, and Mahdi laughs, while Isak looks horrified.

– I never said it like that, Isak says.

Even just smiles. He can take it; he deserves worse, really. – And you are the one that run off with the hottest girl at school, I’ve heard? Well, _that’s_ smooth!

Magnus laughs out loud, and the others join him.

Even bites his lip. – So when do everybody show up tonight? he asks.

– Around eight, Isak clarifies. – It`s going to be some sort of a buffet where everyone brings something to eat.

Buffet? Food? He has heard nothing about that.

Even follows Isak with the eyes when he jumps of the sofa.

– I would have settled with beer and snacks, Isak continues, – but the guys want more.

– Of course we must have food, Isak, Mahdi says.

– I'm looking forward to tasting Nooras tortilla, Jonas adds. – They’re so good.

– Well as long as you make that focaccia and those dips of yours, Jonas, I'm happy, Mahdi counters.

– Ingrid will bring some spicy meatballs, Magnus adds.

Isak huffs. – You have managed to keep out of the kitchen, I hope?

The boys laugh, and Even sneaks another glance at Isak. He looks relaxed, and content, listening to the guys talking. Even can't help it; he wants to touch his soft hair and kiss his pretty lips. He wants it so much that it hurts.

– And Mahdi`s dish, what was that again? Isak asks.

– Iskudheh Karis, Mahdi explains.

Isak hums in agreement. – That one tastes amazing.

Even swallows. The sound Isak makes, reminds him of a quite different setting. _Don't. Don't go there._

– I think Yousef has made something too, Magnus grins. – He always make good stuff.

 _Yousef_. Even freezes. He did not think about that possibility. Isak must have invited both Sana and Yousef. This could be… interesting. _As in fucking nerve wrecking_. Even hasn't talked much with Yousef since that shit happened at Bakka, and he doesn't know how he'll handle it. He bites his lip. He only hopes that Isak doesn't make the connection and starts asking Sana a lot of questions.

 _Why did I say yes to this?_ He wonders if his interest in Isak has clouded his mind. He tries to rationalize to himself that he just needs friends and that he's curious about the party, but he knows it's bull. He just wants to see Isak. Even if he shouldn't. Well, it`s too late to back out now. The worries still churn in his stomach, though. _And then there's the food_.

– Eh, I didn’t know that I should bring food, he admits. – But I could make some scrambled eggs, and I bought a huge package of smoked salmon, could that be okay? And some salad, maybe?

Isak looks at him with wide eyes. – Uh, Vilde brings salad, he says, – but salmon and your scrambled eggs sounds great.

Even meets his eyes, suddenly remembering that morning together and the scrambled eggs, with sour cream. The banter. The joy of it all, and the hope. Just before everything went to hell. _Fuck_.

Isak looks away, and takes a breath. – Luckily, we'll have food for a whole cavalry, so I get away with just buying some snacks.

– I think that`s lucky for all of us, Madhi jokes.

Isak rolls his eyes and bumps his shoulder. – Shut up. I'm not that bad.

He looks everywhere except at Even, and picks up another garland. – Let's finish this shit, guys, he says.

– Anything for you, Izzy, Magnus grins.

The guys start decorating again. Isak looks very focused. How can he look so indifferent to Even, when Even feels like he's bleeding inside? Well, this is what he wants, isn't it? Distance. Even stands for a moment, not sure what to do next.

– Right.

He looks at his watch. He should start to do something. – I think I`ll go cut up the salmon and tidy the kitchen, he says.

The boys nod and hum their answers, while decorating, and Even goes to the kitchen. Just as he gets there, he stops, and breathes a couple of times. _Okay. So far, so good._

He has managed to exchange several words with Isak without combusting, or making a complete fool of himself. He got some surprises, but he'll manage it. Everything’s just fine. He breathes a couple of more times, before he attacks the duty of cleaning the kitchen. He feels good, actually. He`s going to make this, he decides. Somehow. And if things get too rough, he can escape to his own room. This is going to be _all right_.

A couple of hours later, everything`s ready. The flat is full of Halloween decorations, and Isak and the boys are having beer in the kitchen, while Even finishes off his scrambled eggs. He feels the buzz of anticipation in his body. This is going to be great.

– Aren't you all going to dress up soon? he asks.

– We've worked hard, Magnus says, looking pleased with himself. – We deserve a little rest first.

He bumps his beer with Mahdi.

– Fuck me, that was a lot of décor, Isak laughs. He throws Even a quick glance. – We didn’t use more than half of it, I think.

Even only smiles. His thoughts are a little scattered, and he doesn't quite know what to say. He puts the scrambled eggs in a serving bowl, and put it next to the salmon. He turns around to the others. The beer looks tempting, but he knows he should behave and take it slow, so he'll have one later.

– Well, I guess I could go to find my costume now, he says, nods to the guys, and goes into his room. He takes a deep breath, finds the nasty, furry thing in the closet, and puts it on. He drops the head for now; he's probably going to sweat enough as it is.

When he comes back into the kitchen, both Mahdi and Jonas have their costumes on, while Magnus struggles with the zipper. Even leaves his rabbit head at the counter and tries to help him, when Isak enters the room.

 _Isak is a fucking skeleton_. Even wants to laugh. He knows he's probably the only one seeing the link. He and Isak are practically wearing a matching outfit. Even wears the Frank costume from Donnie Darko, and Isak wears a skeleton costume, just like the main character had in the movie. _Fuck_.

He doesn't say anything, just stares at Isak. Well, it must be a coincidence. It's Halloween, and skeletons aren’t exactly unusual.

Isak looks confused at him. – What are you?

Even smiles then. – Wait –  

He finds his rabbit head and puts it on. – See?

He doesn't quite catch Isak`reaction since he is looking through the rabbit head, and it`s difficult to see.

– Ey, scary rabbit, Magnus shouts.

– You're the rabbit from Donnie Darko, Isak says. His voice is solemn.

Even is surprised. He takes his head off again, so he can see Isak`s face better. – You`ve seen it?

– Yeah, of course. It`s about multiverses, after all.

Isak smiles a little smile, and meets his gaze with his eyes. – I thought you only loved romantic tragedies.

Isak's eyes make Even`s heart beat faster. – Who says Donnie Darko isn't one?

Isak laughs. – Serr? It's a… dark and funny sci fi.

Even shrugs. He sees that Isak holds a black hoodie in his hand. A black hoodie, just like Donnie Darko`s.

He clears his throat. – But you didn`t think of Donnie Darko when you dressed as a skeleton, tonight did you?

– I didn`t, no.

Isak looks indifferent, but looks can lie. Even doesn`t quite know if he’s speaking the truth. He probably is, though. If they both had thought on the same obscure movie, that would be a little too much of a coincidence. Even feels lightheaded, dizzy, with laughter bubbling in him. This is just too weird.

While they have been talking, the other boys have been watching them. Now Magnus bumps Even`s arm and laughs. – Matching outfits, eh, Even? Just like a couple!

– Fuck off, Magnus, Isak says, and puts away the black hoodie that would have made the costume complete.

Even can just laugh.

 

## Isak: The Party

The flat fills up around eight, just as planned. Isak takes everything easy; sips his beer and says hello to everybody. It seems like several of his buddies like to organize and fix things, so he doesn't need to bother about anything. The decorations make the flat look like a Halloween dungeon, the food is out, the music is on, everybody chats and laughs. It`s a good vibe in the flat, and Isak loves to see everybody here. In addition to his boys, his old roomies Eskild, Noora and Linn are here (William seems to be home with the kids), as well as Sana and Yousef (uncle Elias is watching their kids). Of course Vilde, Ingrid, Eva and Chris are here too, as well as Magnus’ girlfriend Laila. And William must have invited Christoffer, because he’s here with his mirror of a girlfriend, Emma. Full house. Everybody has a costume on and something to drink in their hands.

 _Even, too._ He´s not in the living room at the moment, though. Isak chats a little with Vilde and Ingrid, and deliberately avoids looking for him.

Fuck, it was difficult to see him again. He had almost fallen off the sofa, when Even suddenly turned up, a little earlier than Isak had predicted. And of course, he looked just as handsome as ever. Swoopy hair, big, bright eyes, and a shining smile. Looking just a little excited and nervous, but otherwise like everything was okay. Isak`s stupid heart started beating faster and his face burned, and he had absolutely no control. It helped a bit that the guys were there. Except Magnus, who had to make a fool of Isak, most of the time.

Anyway, Isak is pleased that he mostly had managed to keep a straight face. That he managed to hide how much he had pined for Even the last week. How he had done everything to avoid him, like hanging with his friends whenever he could, or spending most of his time staring at the ceiling or playing stupid games on his phone. Always with Even on his mind.

He feels better, though. He has even got some sleep a night or two. And not just because of the meditation thing. Spending time with his friends must have helped as well. He has thought a lot, too. He has figured out some things, about his mom and his fear of showing her who he is.

The thought of her makes him pick up his phone, and look at the last messages he got from her. He has realized that he maybe never will fully understand his mom. But he also knows that he loves her, and that he wants her to know him. As he is. That she shouldn’t worry about him. That he`s gay, and happy to be gay. Heartbroken, but happy.

Before he thinks too much about it, he texts her his thoughts:

 

MAMMA

Isak: Hi mom. I'm in love with a guy. I know you believe in God and that the Bible says it's a sin, but you don't have to be scared because it also says God has created everyone in his image and that everyone is equal. I'm sorry if you're sad. Hug from Isak.

 

It`s a relief. His heart beats fast, but it's still a relief. He has finally done it. Isak puts his phone away, determined not to wait for an answer. He smiles a little, when he recalls that he wanted to wait to tell her until Even and him were more solid. Fuck, now they are anything but solid (and they are probably never going to be) and he still managed to send it. He`s a little proud of himself.

If he`s honest with himself, Isak still wishes that Even and him _could_ become something, though. Apparently, he`s hopeless like that. Well, he needs to forget that now. Put a smile on. Focus on the party.

He`s about to approach Eva, Jonas and Noora, when Even steps into the room. He has his rabbit head under his arm, and even the stupid Frank costume can't hide that he's looking great. _Fuck, that costume_. Isak had almost stopped breathing back in the kitchen when Even put the rabbit head on. Somehow, and totally randomly, they had ended up with matching outfits, like a couple. It was as if the universe was mocking him.

With that thought, that eerie feeling hits him again. He is standing here in a stupid skeleton costume, at the same time as he sits in a sofa (at the old collective?) wearing a sort of roman costume (Cæsar, he somehow knows it is). Next to him sits Emma in a Cleopatra costume, and in the sofa in front of him sits Sonja as an angel and Even, as God. _What the fuck?_ What is happening? Isak only knows that there’s a lot of tension in the room. He blinks, and suddenly Sonja leaves, and then Emma follows her.

_Hva er klokka?_

_21:21._

_Kom igjen, vi stikker_.

Oh fuck. Isak tries to calm his beating heart. If this is… what he thinks it is… If this is a glimpse from another universe (and not him going crazy), then he’s maybe not so unlucky, after all. It seems like Even is still with Sonja in that other world. However, that other Isak and Even leaves the girls and the pre game. They leave together. Isak wonders what happens next.

 _Enough_. Isak chugs his beer, watching Even move around. Even greets everybody, and smiles his shiny smile, and hugs everyone, and kisses them on the cheeks. He`s like a sun, shining towards everybody he talks to. Even Linn lights up when he talks to him, and Sana, too. Everybody seems to like him. Isak has no trouble understanding that.

That is, Even looks a little weird when he greets Emma and Chris. It almost looks like he knows one of them. But he seems more careful than happy about it.

Then Even sees Isak. Isak needs to swallow, as their eyes meet. _Oh dear_. Isak had managed to look away most of the time this afternoon, but now he`s lost. Even`s eyes are so intense, and dark, they make Isak`s head spin. He can't look away. Isak feels like the air is thick with tension, and he can hardly breathe. When Even smiles a bright, energetic smile, Isak only manages to shoot him a shaky half smile.

Isak finally manages to tear his eyes away and takes a sip of his beer. Well, it's time to get this party going. He`s just about to tell everybody to dig in and eat, when his phone pings. For a second, he wonders if it can be his mom, and his heart speeds up. However, he wrinkles his brows, when he doesn’t recognize the number.

 

UNKNOWN NUMBER

Unknown: Hei, Isak. This is Sonja. If you ever need to talk to me, don't be afraid to do it, ok?

Isak: OK?

Unknown: I`m sorry, I know this seems out of the blue. I just worry about Even sometimes, and you should know that you can talk to me if anything happens.

Isak: Like what?

Unknown: I don't know, Isak. Just save my number. K?

Isak: I can do that. But I should go now, we’re having a party.

Unknown: No problem. Take care, Isak.

 

Isak stares at his phone, wrinkling his eyebrows. _What the fuck?_ What could this be about? What kind of messed up symbiotic relationship do Even and Sonja have? It seems like they have something far more than just being exes.

Isak feels the jealousy burn in his stomach. He hates the thought about all the time those two have had together, and the relationship they still have. Shit. He needs to stop. He saves Sonja`s number, but decides to forget about it, and focus on the party instead.

He raises his voice and tells everybody to find something to eat, and dig in. Everything is ready. Someone cheers, probably Magnus, and everybody flocks around the buffet, talking and laughing. Isak isn't hungry, but his beer is empty, so he goes into the kitchen to find another. He opens the fridge, and finds his six pack. On the top of his six pack lies a white note.

He stops in his tracks, and picks the note up. His heart beats faster as he opens the folded note. “In another universe” is the heading on this note, too. But it`s a drawing of Isak in a skeleton costume and a hoodie. And Even is standing next to him, in his Frank costume.

His heart start to beat crazy fast. What the hell? His hands shake. What does this mean? Even drew this for him, just like the other drawings. But what does it mean? Is this just some sort of joke, or is it a way to say that they can't be together in this universe, or what the fuck? If it's some sort of riddle, he doesn’t get it.

He can't help smiling, though. Even thought about him and drew this. He drew them dressed as a couple. Together.

Even's notes are almost as cryptic as his mother's texts. Isak frowns a he wonders when his mom is going to answer him. And what she'll say.

– Yo.

Isak pulls out his beer as Jonas enters the kitchen.

– Hi, Isak mutters.

Jonas’ eyebrows shoot up. – What`s up?

Isak shrugs, and leans to the counter. – Nothing, I guess.

– Nothing?

Isak smiles. – Well, to be honest I _have_ news. I just told my mum that I… eh, like boys. I mean, I sent her a text.

Jonas smiles wide. – You did? That's really good to hear, Isak.

Isak breathes out. – Yeah. You know how long I have dreaded that.

– I do. That's huge.

Jonas leans against the counter and looks at him. – By the way, anything new with that Even?

– Not really, Isak huffs. – Well, I told you about the drawings, right?

Jonas grins. – Yeah, I think you mentioned it the other day.

Isak smiles. _More like complained about it for fifteen minutes_.

– Well, I just got another one.

Isak shows him the note.

Jonas looks at it, then looks at Isak and smiles. Shoots up an eyebrow. – What's up with this dude?

Isak shrugs. – I don't know. He`s... I've hardly met him the last few days. And then he just keeps giving me these drawings. Well, he baked some muffins, yesterday, too. But yeah, I don’t know.

Jonas looks like he’s thinking for a moment. – Huh. To be honest, I feel like you're letting him play you, kinda.

Isak frowns. – Play me?

He doesn't like the idea. In fact, it doesn't fit his image of Even at all. Jonas is probably just being protective.

– Well, he keeps you going with the drawings. And then nothing happens. And he's still just keeping his distance.

Isak must admit that Jonas has a point. And it hurts to think about it. – Yeah, he mutters. – But I can't help that.

Jonas grins, and nods.. – Yes, you can! You can tell him to fuck off, or at least stop what he’s doing!

Isak grimaces. – I don’t know...

– You know I’m right, you need to tell him to stop leaving you these notes, and call you when he’s ready for more.

Jonas raises his impressive brows. – Straight-up. That's what works.

Isak ponders. Jonas goes on about how that`s a good idea, but Isak is lost in his thoughts. This sounds logical, really. He can't go on guessing, hoping and waiting for Even to decide what he wants. It's too painful. If he confronts Even, at least he will _know_. He risks learning that Even doesn't want him at all, of course. Isak swallows. That would be devastating. Still, it must be better than all this useless pining. Isak musters all the courage he has, and decides to do it. It`s maybe lame to text someone in the same apartment, and at the same party, but he doesn’t care. He sends the text, before he has time to regret it:

 

EVEN ❤

Isak: I like your drawing, Even. But if you aren't interested in more, you can just drop it. Talk to me when you know what you want.

 

– I did it, he says, breathing out. – I sent the text.

 _Fuck_. His heart beat painfully fast in his chest. _I did it._

Jonas stares at him. – No way?! he grins. – That's not bad, Isak!  Cheers!

They drink. Isak's pulse thunders in his ears, but he feels light, and ready for whatever happens.

Then Isak`s phone pings, and his heart stops, before it races like crazy. His hands shake a little when he opens it.

 

EVEN ❤

Even: Where are you? Can we talk?

 

Isak stares at the words. _Oh fuck, oh fuck, oh fuck._ His heart beats so hard that it's almost painful.

– Is it him? Jonas asks, looking excited.

Isak shows him the text.

Jonas' eyebrows shoot up, and he grins. – Serr?

Isak`s heart beats even faster in his chest. – What should I reply?  
  
– That you're in the kitchen, Jonas shrugs. He grins, and looks like he enjoys this far too much.

Isak types. – Should I add a smiley?

– No, god, no, Jonas laughs. – Just kitchen. Straight up.

He smiles, and moves away. – I'll leave you now, Isak. He'll come talk to you. I`m sure of it.

Isak looks doubtfully after Jonas. He`s not so sure. He leans to the counter, gripping his cold beer so that his hands don't shake. What if Even doesn`t come?

Then he hears a knock on the doorframe, and almost jumps.

Even looks at him from the door.

Isak stares. _Fuck, he`s beautiful_. He wears a furry costume, and he still looks beautiful. He looks like he _sparkles_ , for fucks sake.

– Halla, Isak whispers.

– Halla.

Even`s eyes are shining. – So, you're hiding here.

– I guess.

The music from the living room surrounds them, Isak is dizzy and Even is standing there, in a stupid costume and still looking gorgeous, with his swoopy hair and shining eyes. Isak can only stare. _He came!_ That must mean something.

Isak sets down his beer on the counter, and moves towards Even. When they stand face to face, he stops. Looks into Even's eyes. Isak knows he should be guarded, and take it slow. Even has hurt him before. Chances are that he will again. They should probably be careful and talk things through. Hell, Even owes him a fucking great explanation, to be honest. The muffins was sweet, but they didn't explain Even's behavior. They should definitely not do anything stupid. Still, Isak just can't think about that right now. _Even came_.

Even’s eyes are so beautiful, gazing into his. Isak sways for a moment. He looks at Even. Takes in the image of all of Even, his lips, neck and body. God, he wants to kiss him. He wants to do a lot of things.

He wants to say so much, and ask so much, but he has no words. He lets himself drown in Even`s eyes. Shakes a little at the need that he hopes that he sees there. He only wants to kiss Even. Touch him and be touched. The want is too much.

He takes a step forward; grabs hold of Even and attacks his lips with his own. Even meets the kiss with an intensity that is breathtaking. Even lifts his hands to Isak’s neck, and his soft and hungry lips makes Isak’s body sing. His senses are wide open, and he enjoys every breath, every touch and every heartbeat. Isak opens his lips, and kisses Even deeper.

Even groans. – I know what I want, he sighs, into his mouth. – I want… you. I have tried not to, but… God, I missed you, Isak…

His words make Isak shiver, and he kisses him even deeper.

 _Fuck, I have missed you too._ He has missed this. It's been far too long since they kissed, and felt the touch of each other’s hands. Too long since Isak has felt these strong feelings rage through his body.

Even`s hands are on his face, his thumbs stroking his lips and his cheekbones. – I want you too, Isak mutters. Then Even`s fingers glides into his hair. Isak sighs, clings on to Even, holds on to his neck and hair, and kisses him even deeper.

– Isak…

Even pulls back a little. His eyes are hazy. – We need to... talk.

He sounds breathless. _Oh no, you’re not slipping away now_. Isak holds him close, and Even`s voice dies a little as Isak kisses his neck. – I don't... want to make another mistake…

He shuts his eyes when Isak bites his earlobe.

– I don't want to talk, Isak mutters, letting his hands pull Even closer. _Don't shy away now… don't say that we shouldn’t do this…_ He finds Even`s mouth again, and he kisses and moans and shivers at what Even is doing to him.

– But I should, we should...

Even draws a deep breath and untangles himself from Isak. Stares into his eyes. – Isak. We should really talk.

Isak lets out a shaky breath. – OK.

Talk. He seems to be unable to focus on anything. – Whuh… what should we talk about?

_Are you pushing me away again? Are you leaving me?_

Even swallows. – Don't you want to know why… Why I sort of wanted the break and... acted like an asshole? You deserve an explanation.

 _Oh_. Isak shuts his eyes, tries to shut out the pain. _You made me open up to you, and then you left_ me. He swallows.  – Yes.

To be honest, he doesn't want to talk about this right now at all, but he guesses they should.

When he opens his eyes again, he meets Even`s gaze. He decides to be brave and get it over with. – So, tell me. What happened?

Even takes a deep breath. – I'm sorry that I was such an ass, Isak. I was so desperate to keep you at a distance that I panicked. I invited Sonja to make it through the evening and... well.

Isak holds his breath, and swallows. – I thought... It felt like you were mocking me or something.

– Oh god.

Even look almost sick. – Sonja was just curious. And I... I didn't know what I was doing, to be honest. I just tried to keep a distance.

– But why?

Isak's voice is small. – Why did you have to? Did I do something? I said something, didn't I?

Even looks uncomfortable. He hesitates for a moment, stroking his hand through his hair. – You see, I have bipolar disorder.

– Oh.

Isak has heard about bipolar disorder. He knows about the mania and the depression. That medication is the most common treatment. That Magnus`s mother has it. He doesn't know much more. But why would Even just drop him, because of that?

_Oh._

_Oh, fuck_. Isak gets cold when he remembers what he said. That morning.

_I said that my mother was nuts._

_I said that she didn’t matter._

_I said that I didn’t want mentally ill people in my life._

_Fuck_.

He groans. – I'm so sorry, he says.

Even looks at him with a question in his eyes. For a moment, he looks hurt. – You`re sorry I'm bipolar?

Isak shakes his head. – No! I`m sorry I said that shit to you that morning. About my mother. He cringes, and rubs his forehead. – Fuck, I didn't mean it like that, Even.

– No?

– Not at all! I mean, I have had some issues with my mother, I know, but I love her and I want her in my life. I say some stupid things sometimes, you see, especially when I'm nervous. I don't mean it.

Even`s eyes are wide. – I, uh, okay. I thought you never talked to her anymore?

– I do talk to her. Much more than before. I sometimes stress about trying to understand her, but I talk to her. I went to her and collected some of my stuff that day…

 _That day you left me_. He doesn’t manage to say it. Not yet.

– Well, the other day. And I  just texted her, too.

He sighs. – But naturally, I had to say that shit to you.

He feels sick with guilt. He doesn't know how to meet Even’s eyes. Ever again. – I'm so sorry, you must have felt awful.

– It was a shock, Isak, but it’s okay. You didn't know.

Isak groans. – Still… I yelled at you for fucking with me, and I didn't know I had hurt you at all… That's why you didn`t want more to do with me, yeah? Fuck, I'm a fucking idiot.

– No, Isak, listen, it wasn’t just that.

Even puts his hands on his shoulders. He looks sort of nervous or excited, but he has a sad look in his eyes. – It hurt when you said that about your mom, but it was more. Having bipolar disorder can be rough sometimes. Especially for the family. Just like it has been with you and your mother. I didn't want to hurt you. Give you more grief.

Isak can`t believe it. – So you wanted to protect me?

– I suppose I did. You had enough on your mind. I didn't want to give you more to worry about.

– Stop.

Isak shakes, but is determined. He leans his hands against Even`s chest, and stares into his eyes. – You don't get to decide, Even, what's best for me. Just like I can't decide what’s best for you.

Even looks at him with wide eyes.

Isak holds his gaze. – Next time – ask me instead, yeah?

Even hesitates for a moment, but then he nods. – Okay. As long as you ask me, too. Whenever you have a question.

– Okay.

They stare at each other. Isak is a wreck. Where do they go from here? Should he ask Even one of his questions? He thinks for a moment.

– So. A question. Well, I know what bipolar disorder is, but how is it for you?

Even laughs. –  Wow, that will take me forever to answer. But I’m pretty good now, actually. Haven't had an episode for a long time. I take meds and go to therapy. I’m fine.

– Sounds good.

Isak thinks for a moment, while his fingers picks at Even’s costume. – Can I ask you something else, then?

– Sure.

Isak takes a deep breath. He tries his best not to sound insecure. – Why didn’t you... want to kiss me back? You know, when we watched that movie? Was it because of the things I said?

His heart beats loudly as he waits for an answer.

– Sort of. Even`s eyes are dark and dilated. – But I really wanted to.

Isak’s heart beats faster. – Yeah?

– Yeah. I wanted you so much…  I almost forgot... to stay away. But you were so close, and you were so warm, soft and tempting, Even says, almost rushing his words. – I wanted to touch you all over. But then I just didn’t want to… take advantage of you.

Isak is confused. – Whuh… what do you mean? Take advantage of me?

Even blushes, and he looks almost elated. – Oh my god, I can’t… You were a little drunk, Isak, and so was I. I didn't want us to regret anything later.

– I guess that was… considerate, Isak mutters, and stares. _Even wanted it too!_ If it’s possible, his heart beats even faster. It hadn’t been just his imagination that Even kissed him back, then.

Even lifts his hand, and strokes a string of his hair away from his forehead. His eyes are fixed on his lips. – I tried to stay away, but I just… wanted you so much.

Isak’s breath hitches. – I... wanted you, too. But I guess you knew that when I attacked your mouth.

He tries to smirk, but his lips feel strange. He just wants to kiss Even again. Now.

Even's smile shivers. – Hah.

They stare at each other.  Isak is still leaning his hands at Even’s chest, and Even has one hand on Isak’s neck. The silence between them is thick with tension. Isak knows what he wants so desperately, but it’s like he can’t move.

Even stares at his lips, and now he lets his other hand reach Isak’s neck. His hands tangle into Isak’s curls and he tugs carefully.

Isak feels the pull and releases a small sound. _Oh fuck, that was… good._ He needs to feel Even’s lips _now_.

Isak leans closer, and looks at Even with something he hopes is a careful question in his eyes. – So. We're good? His voice is raspy, and he moves so close to Even’s face that he can feel his breath. – You're sorry... and I'm sorry… Have we talked enough now?

– We're good.

Even smiles so wide it almost breaks Isak. He pulls Isak closer.

– Can we kiss again, then? Isak mutters.

– Yeah...

 _Oh God, Yes please_. Isak takes a shaking breath and seeks Even’s lips with his own. This time, the kiss is chaste, and careful, like they are afraid to break something. The tension still makes Isak long for more. _More, more, more._ Even`s lips are so soft, and Isak sighs into them. Even kisses his chin, and cheekbone, eyebrow, and lips, and Isak has never felt so alive, or wanted.

– God, you turn me on, Even mumbles to his neck. – I wanna fuck you again. Make love to you all night.

– Oh fuck.

Even laughs. – Am I a little much? I can be a little much sometimes.

Isak only shakes his head.

Even cups his face for a moment, and smiles. His eyes crinkle, and Isak adores how they do that.

– You know, I could have met you at a Halloween party years ago, Even says, kissing his cheek, and licking his lips.

– Why?

Isak continues to steal small kisses from him.

Even’s hands trail over his narrow back. – I went to a Nissen Halloween party, with Sonja. We were dressed as God as an angel.

Isak doesn't react at first. – Dressed as a couple, he mutters. Feeling a little jealous. He kisses the ugly feeling away.

– Sort of. But the point is, you weren't there. And uh, I had dropped my meds and started a manic episode. I did a lot of stupid things, and Sonja had to drag me home.

– Wait.

Isak looks at Even, feeling his heart thundering in his chest. – You were dressed as God?

– Yeah?

 _Oh fuck_. Isak swallows hard. That eerie sensation thing earlier. Even had been God and Sonja an angel. And didn't he once hear about a guy, dressed as a God, who did a lot of strange things? What does this mean?

He realizes that Even stares at him. Fuck. He can’t explain all this weird shit. Not now. He’ll have to focus on what he remembers.

– I remember that, he explains, trying not to show how freaked out he is. – Some of the kids from school mentioned you. Did you jump in the pool, or something?

– I did, and a lot of other stuff.

Even smiles a sad smile. – I am sort of glad you didn’t meet me then. It was too much, Isak, too much.

The sadness in his voice makes Isak forget his strange sensations for a moment. Isak hums, stroking Even’s chin with his finger. – Maybe we could have met before that, so you wouldn’t have dropped your meds. Because, you know, I am so amazing, that you wouldn’t have needed to.

Even laughs.

– And we could have been dressed up as someone in fucking Romeo + Juliet, at that party, I don't know. And we could have kissed. And then it would have been okay.

– Maybe.

Even looks a little dazed. – If I had transferred, or went to another Nissen party, that could have happened. I am getting a little dizzy, thinking about all the choices I have made, and how they could have made my life different.

Isak thinks about that party he never went to, and the strange déjà vu moment, and nods. – I think I see what you mean.

– Yeah. But I hadn’t even broken up with Sonja at that time. I guess we wouldn’t have kissed.

– I would probably have made you break up, Isak smiles. – I was a sneaky bastard, back then.

Even grins, like he can't believe it.

Isak jolts. – Oh!

– What?

– Now I understand why Sonja sent me that text.

Even looks concerned. – What? She texted you?

Isak nods, feeling a little hot in his head. – Yeah, she said I could call, if I needed to. I didn't get what it was about. To be honest, I wondered what fucked up relationship you two have...

Even shakes his head, looking irritated. – Screw Sonja.

– What do you mean?

Even looks away, thinking. – Sonja means well, but she can be… controlling. She knows me, and believes that she knows me better than I know myself.

For a moment, Isak thinks that Even has a careful look in his face. Like he is holding something back. Isak wonders _how_ Sonja has tried to tell Even what he feels, or what he needs.

Even continues: – That's what I'm really tired of. I feel like she can't feel what I feel. Or think, for that matter.

He looks at Isak. – Agreed?

Isak swallows. It hurts a little when Even describes his relationship with Sonja, and he doesn’t get everything Even says, but he gets that he doesn't want to be told what he feels, or thinks. Isak can get that.

– Only you can feel what you feel, he says. It`s like a whisper, because he`s so choked up.

Even turns his head and looks at him like he has said something amazing. He cups Isak’s face with his hands and looks him into his eyes. His face is open, and naked, and his eyes shines. – You’re special, Isak. I… haven't felt anything like this before. Ever.

Isak swallows. – Me neither.

Even kisses him again, and Isak is dizzy and love drunk. Everything is about Even, about his eyes, lips, tongue and hands. Even holds him and nuzzles his nose and cheek, and Isak hungers for more kisses.  

Suddenly Even`s eyes pop open.

– This song? he grins, looking into Isak’s eyes.

– Huh?!

Isak tries to wake up from his daze of kisses, and hears the song from the living room. He doesn't get it.

– Gabrielle?

 _Fem fine frøkner?_ Even likes that crappy song? Isak rolls his eyes. – Are you joking?

– No. No, I`m not.

Even just laughs, bobs his head and starts to dance and mimic the lyrics: _You get me all fired up, there's nothing that can cool me down._ Isak can only follow him with his eyes. To watch Even sing to him like this, makes him lightheaded. Even kisses Isak, and just for a moment Isak feels like he is in another time, and another place, but kissing and laughing with Even in the kitchen, just like this (but it's the kitchen at the collective again?). _Du er mannen i mitt liv_ , Even in that other world says. And Isak whispers the same in return.

Isaks head spins. He notices that Even has a dazed look in his eyes. – Mannen i mitt liv, he whispers.

– _What?_ Isak shouts, so freaked out that he hardly can breathe. – What did you just say?

Even shakes his head, like he’s trying to clear his mind. He looks confused, and almost worried. – I’m just a little dizzy. Sorry, baby.

Their eyes meet. Even’s confused expression is exchanged with an assuring smile. – It was nothing, Isak. It was probably just the music making me... dizzy.

Isak still shivers. – No, what _was_ that? You said...

He doesn't dare to continue. What if he imagined it all? What if his weird sensations makes him hear things that aren't real? He`s sure that he heard Even say just the same that the other Isak and Even said, and for a moment he thought… what if? What if they both pick up things from a parallel universe? Or was it only an imagination?

Even continues to smile, but he has the trace of something guarded in his eyes. – I just... I don't know what that was, Isak. Maybe the music got to me. But you shouldn't worry.

Isak wrinkles his eyebrows. – No?

– No.

Even takes a deep breath, and smiles wide. Suddenly he looks like he doesn't have a worry in the world. – I’m good. We’re good.

Isak isn't convinced. Even reacted on _something_ , he`s pretty sure of that. He might have heard things wrong, but Even _reacted_ , and that couldn't have been only Isak’s imagination. Still, if Even doesn't want to talk about it now, Isak can respect that. He can wait. They can talk more later.

– Fine, he says. – We’re good.

Even smiles and shines like the sun. He kisses Isak.

– The music makes me dizzy, Isak. You make me dizzy. And all I wanna do is dance.

He takes Isak’s hand. – Come here.

Isak stares at him. – What?

Even grins, and drags Isak into the living room. – We're going to dance.

 

## Even: The Pool

The music beats and make Even`s blood sing. _We're going to dance!_ He can't help but smile. The music lures him in with every beat, and the need to move is like a hunger in him, like a restlessness in his limbs. Even loves dancing. He never learned to dance, not really, but he has some musicality and a good sense of rhythm; just enough to fully enjoy it. Especially when the right music comes on, and he has the right dance partner.

Well, now, he has good music and the perfect dance partner. Still, when he drags Isak with him to dance, he is almost surprised that Isak follows. Happy, but surprised. Isak doesn’t strike him as a dancer, or a guy that likes to shake loose on the dancefloor. Oh, Even can imagine him dancing, and moving in all sorts of ways, no problem. Isak just seems like the kind of guy that would protest first. Be grumpy about it.

Well, maybe he's wrong. Isak follows him easily enough, maybe with a slightly nervous look in his face. He is looking around as they pass everyone towards the stereo. Most of the other guests have finished eating, and are sitting and standing about in the living room. Only Eva, Chris and Eskild are shaking loose to the music. Even can understand it if Isak doesn't want everyone's attention. But Isak is still following.

Even leans closer for a moment. – You know what they say about dancing? he breaths into Isak`s ear.

Isak`s green eyes look at him. If there was any worry there, it`s gone. _Lust_. It hits Even in the stomach like a sudden wave.

– “Dancing is a perpendicular expression of a horizontal desire”, Isak quotes, holding his gaze, with a small smile. Even laughs, lets some of the tension out.

– Is that so? I heard that “There is a bit of insanity in dancing that does everybody a great deal of good”, he grins.

Isak smiles wider, but his eyes are still dark. – I'm okay with both, he says.

Even knows he is. He smiles, finds the stereo, and turns up the volume. Gabrielle`s “Fem fine frøkner” tunes out, and another slower song starts up. “High for this”. Perfect. It’s dreamy and sexy, almost too slow, but it’s hot: _You don't know what's in store._  Even loves the lazy beat, and how it fills him up. _But you know what you're here for._ When he searches Isak`s eyes, he can see that he likes it, too. _Close your eyes/ Lay yourself beside me._ Even lets his hand slide around Isak`s waist. He draws Isak closer and starts moving slowly, from side to side. _Hold tight/ For this ride/ We don't need no protection._ Isak sways with him and is warm and vibrant under his hands. His eyes are dilated and dark and his stare makes Even shivers.

Even  forgets everyone else, and is only aware of Isak`s eyes, his chest pressed against his, and his arms around him. _Open your hand/ Take a glass._ It`s hot, and the steady bass pounds with Even’s heartbeat. _Don't be scared/ I'm right here._

Even bites his lips, stumbles even nearer and lets his nose stroke along Isak`s cheekbone. Breaths in Isak`s scent. Feels his skin. Feels his breath towards his own neck. _Trust me girl / You wanna be high for this._ Isak breaths into his hair, and clutches his neck. They are moving together, and every move makes Even shiver.

 _Let it beat/ Baby breathe._ Isak opens his eyes and looks at him like _that_ , and Even loses himself in the dark green. _I swear I'm right here._ He forgets everything else. There is only heavy breathing, kissing and hands trailing, and everything is about their bodies moving together.   _We'll be good/ I promise, we'll be so good._ Even hums the words  of the lyric into Isak’s ear, and Isak shivers. Oh god, Even could fuck him, right here, and right now. Well, maybe not with an audience. He wants to have Isak all to himself. He wants to amaze him, and make him feel good. They need to get out of here, and soon.

When the last tune fades, Even simply grabs Isak by the hand and pulls him through the living room. Still lightheaded, he goes out into the hallway.

– Come with me, he says, going for the door.

Isak looks like he's in a daze. – We're... going _outside_?

– Yeah. Let’s get out of here –

But Isak is too hot and tempting next to him. The want has built up too long. Even stops and pushes Isak against the wall. – Just first –

Isak looks at him with his dark, green eyes, and Even`s head spins. – Fuck, he says. – You're so hot, Isak… First I just wanna –

Finally, their lips meet, and Even loses himself in the kiss. Kisses and licks Isak`s lips and clings to his body.

Isak holds him closer. – We can't leave, Even, he mutters. – It`s our party. Our flat.

Even shuts his eyes for a second, breaths and pulls back. – Yes, we can. It’s our party and we can do what we want to.

He smiles. – Your friends are fine. I wanna show you something. Just wait here a sec –

He steps quickly into his room and the bathroom and picks a few things in a bag. Then he finds Isak`s hoodie and his own rabbit head. Isak stands leaning to the wall, following his movements with his eyes. – You really want to go outside? In costumes?

– Yeah.

– Where?

Even laughs a breathy laughter.  – I have an idea, wait and see.

Isak holds him back, and looks him in the eyes. – Even, he says and licks his lips. – You just told me that you have bipolar disorder, and now you're about to do something I would call reckless and impulsive. Are you sure about this? Are you good?

Even smiles. Isak’s concern is sweet. – I’m _fine_ , he says. – I’m just happy to be with you again. And I want to do something special.

Isak stares at him with wide eyes. He swallows. – I’m happy to be with you, too.

Even has to kiss his parted lips one more time, and bury his hands in his hair.

– Okay, Isak stutters, – if we are going, we should do it now, before I drag you into my room.

Even laughs a shaky laugh. – Okay, let’s go.

They sneak out of the flat and down the stairs, and Even finds his bike.

Isak stares at him. – We’re going to _bike_? Half drunk and in costumes?

Even passes him his rabbit head. – Yeah, well, we can't drink and drive, can we?

Isak frowns, when Even straddles over the bike.

– It’s illegal to bicycle drunk, too, you know.

– Nobody’s going to stop us. And I’m not really that drunk. Jump on!

Isak shakes his head, but takes a seat behind him, puts the rabbit head on his lap and grabs hold of Even’s waist.

Even starts bicycling, the bike wobbles a little, they giggle and shout to each other, the air is cold and fresh towards Even`s face, and he feels like a kid again.

Even cycles with a clear goal in mind. He has this idea. It’s a little mad, he knows, but he still wants to do it. To be honest, he would do anything for Isak.

When they finally stop, Isak just stares at him. – Eh..  Even? You sure you’re alright?

Even just grins. – I’m okay, Isak, don’t worry.

Isak looks at the tall building in front of them. – Plaza Hotel? What are we doing here?

Even laughs, feeling ridiculously excited. – You know, we talked about going here, the day we met, and I have just been thinking about it since.

– Right.

Isak still looks doubtful.

– But it’s more. Come.

Even drags Isak with him inside. Isak seems a little embarrassed that they're wearing costumes, but the lady behind the desk doesn't seem to care. She`s wishing them welcome.

Even puts on his most charming smile. – I wonder if one of the smaller suites are vacant? he asks.

Isak stares at him, and looks partly terrified and angry.

– Don’t worry, I can pay it, Even whispers to him. – I have saved up. I just wanna treat you good, Isak.

Isak still looks doubtful, but he smiles a little, too. Like he’s charmed, and a little flustered.

– You're extremely lucky, the lady behind the desk smiles. – We have one of the smaller suites for you.

– We'll have that one, then. – I want only the best for my boyfriend.

The woman smiles. While she registers them, and fixes the keys, Even is so excited that he hardly can stand still. – Is the swimming pool still open? he asks.

– It’s just 21:21, the lady says. – The pool is open until 23:00.

– 21:21? Really?

– Yes.

 _Parallel numbers_. Even grins, feeling dizzy. – Perfect.

He gets an odd look from Isak.

– What?

Isak blushes. – Nothing… Eh, that number just reminded me of something. It’s nothing important.

Even chooses to let it be. If it’s important, Isak will tell him later.

They get their key to the suite, and Even drags Isak with him.

– Swimming pool? Isak asks.

– Yeah, I feel like swimming. Don’t you?

He doesn't wait for an answer. – Let’s go there first.

Isak laughs, and sounds doubtful. – Okay…

He still follows him into the basement.

When they enter the men's wardrobe, Even is glad to see that it`s empty. However, he senses that Isak tenses up. Even can see that he wonders if they are going to undress everything, or if anything is going to happen..

Even sips open his rabbit suit, while he dances around Isak.  – Why are you so skeptical? he teases, trying to light Isak`s mood.

Isak shrugs, while he strips off his skeleton suit. – I'm not skeptical, but it's a bit weird we're going to...

Even keeps dancing around him, like a fool.– Are you scared of swimming?

Isak huffs. – Scared of swimming?

– Yeah?

Even stops, and kisses his nose. Isak shrugs, but he smiles a little. – It’s just a little strange, that’s all...

– So, you're afraid to mess up your hair, then.

Isak laughs out loud. – Look who’s talking!

Even pretends to be offended, and Isak giggles even more. Finally. The banter has made Isak forget to be skeptical, and that they're just standing there in their boxers. – You're the one with a hairdo that defies gravity, Even, he teases.

Even smiles. – Is that so?

– Yeah.

Isak looks around. – You know, we should shower before we go into the pool.

Even is impatient to get in the pool, but he also likes the thought of Isak and him in the shower. – How considerate of you, he says.

Isak laughs, and pushes him towards the shower. – Hygiene is important, Even.

– Yeah, it is, isn't it.

Isak puts on one of the showers, and Even follows him. – I can help you with your hair, he says, but lets his hands slide around his waist.

Isak laughs. – My hair is up here, he says, and turns around.

Even smiles, puts shampoo in Isak`s hair, and starts to massage it in. Isak sighs as his fingers circles his head. When the shampoo is out, Isak turns around.

– My turn, he says and puts shampoo in Even`s hair.

When Even feels his fingers massage his head, he has to shut his eyes. – Fuck, that's good.

Isak laughs towards his shoulder. – Yeah, right?

Isak turns him around. The sparkles in his eyes make Even dizzy. He moves closer, under the water and kisses him slowly. He gasps into Isak`s mouth. Kissing in the falling water, is wet, soft and slightly breathtaking.

While they are kissing, Isak puts soap in his hands, and starts to massage it into Even`s upper body. The touches make Even tingle all over, and he feels that he is getting hard again. He wants Isak so much that it hurts.

– You know, for hygiene, we should take off our boxers, as well, Isak mutters.

– Really?

– Yes.

Isak has that look in his eyes again. Even shivers. – If you say so, he says, and reaches for Isak`s boxers. Isak`s hard dick reveals itself. _Oh._ Oh dear.

Even sighs, and bites his lip. Isak makes him so fucking turned on. One part of him wants to delay this, and get into the pool; he has this romantic image in his head of Isak and him kissing underwater. The problem is that the other part of him can't wait.

He needs Isak _now_. He needs to make him feel good.

– I’ll take care of you, he mutters, and goes down on his knees.

He grabs onto Isak`s waist, and Isak shakes when he puts his mouth around his dick. – Christ, fuck, what if someone...

His sentence ends in a deep moan. – That's so… good…

Even laughs, and continues. He loves the feeling of Isak`s dick in his mouth while the water pours over them, loves the thought that this is a little dirty and risky, and that anyone can come in, anytime. His own need makes him suck Isak at a quick pace, and Isak is soon moaning loudly over him, grabbing at his hair and shoulders. Isak thrusts towards him, his groan low in his throat. It is the hottest sound Even has ever heard. That combined with the warmth of Isak`s skin and the falling water makes heat melt like lava in Even`s gut.

Isak is close. – Oh, fuck, Even, I’m coming, I’m coming…

Even lets his hand push and pull Isak over the edge. Isak comes moaning his name, and he’s beautiful.

Before Even has time to react, Isak has pulled him up and pushed him to the wall.

– My turn.

Isak drops to his knees, pulls off his boxers, and sucks onto his dick. Even closes his eyes when he feels Isak`s lips and tongue work on him, while the warm water pours over them. He shivers, and can't believe how good it feels. He opens his eyes again, staring at the beautiful sight of Isak between his legs. The feeling and the sight of it drives him mad. While Isak still is sucking and licking his dick, he lets his hand caress the insides of Even`s thighs and then slide up between his cheeks. Even groans when Isak’s fingers stroke over his rim, while he still is licking and sucking him.

– Turn around, Isak says. – I wanna eat you out. Can I do that?

Even`s heart speeds up. _Oh god_. He does as Isak says, and leans his forehead against the cold tiles.

– Spread your legs, Isak mutters, and spreads his cheeks again. Even moans into the falling water as he feels that Isak lets his tongue stroke over his rim. _Oh god, oh god, oh god_. Even feels the tongue massaging the skin around his entrance, and he doesn't know how to handle it. All the thousands of little nerve endings in that so sensitive area are singing. Even spreads his legs and arches his back, giving Isak more room to play. Isak chuckles softly.

– My baby wants more, he murmurs, then begins to tease Even mercilessly, always circling, testing, brushing softly over his eager opening. Never quite giving Even what he needs so badly.

It feels like forever. It might just be some minutes, but all Even knows is Isak is driving him completely insane. He is aching for more, and his dick is so hard that it almost hurts.

– Please Isak, _please!_ Even finally begs. Isak lets him have his way, tenderly kissing his tight ring and sticking his tongue inside. Fucking him with his tongue. Even cries out and bucks up against him. Isak`s mouth and hands feels like magic. Even whimpers and pushes back into Isak`s tongue, aching to feel more, always more. Even shivers, and moans, and knows that he's about to come.

He grabs onto his own dick and strokes it slowly while Isak fucks his tongue inside of him. The sensations are like an overload, he moans and arches his back. He comes in an overwhelming orgasm.

Even pulls Isak up, and they stand together under the falling water, leaning on each other, and panting.

– Still want to go swimming? Isak mumbles.

Even laughs, a little shaky. – Yeah, I still do. Hm, what do you say – skinny dipping?

– Nah, I think we have taken enough chances right now, Isak chuckles, and picks up his boxers. – Let's swim in these.

Even shrugs. – Okay.

He picks up his boxers too, and turns off the shower. However, putting the wet and clammy boxers on his shaky after-sex body, proves to be a trial. He laughs as he stumbles and almost trips, trying to pull them on.

Isak seems to have the same problem, as he tugs at the wet boxers and tries to put them on. He starts to laugh, as well.

Even giggles. – Brilliant idea, Valtersen, he jokes, as he finally manages to pull them up.

Isak is giggling helplessly now, bent over with his boxers on his knees. – Fuck, this is hopeless.

The sight and sound of him makes Even feel elated. In love. – I can help you, he offers, and kisses Isak as he pulls at the wet and clammy fabric. Together, they finally manages it. They end up panting and laughing in each other's arms.

– Thank you, Isak giggles into his neck. – You`re so kind, Even. You're my knight in… wet boxers.

Even throws his head back and laughs. – Yes I am. Captain Underpants.

Their giggles bounce back from the walls when they enter the pool room. Even`s legs are still a bit shaky when they go out of the locker room, and he feels a little dazed. Even rests his hand on Isak`s waist as they go. The pool lies shiny and silent before them. Luckily, nobody`s there, either. They have the pool all to themselves.

Even suddenly feels nervous. Elated, but nervous. When he imagined swimming with Isak and kissing him, he had imagined something like the pool scene in Romeo + Juliet, the one that starts at 21 minutes and 21 seconds out in the movie. But what if Isak wasn't up for that at all? Did Isak even remember that scene?

He doesn't get to ask him, before Isak has jumped into the pool. Even follows him. But instead of floating to the surface, he stays a little at the bottom. For a moment, he gets almost a vision, of himself under water like this, shooting up before Isak, bantering with him and kissing him. It feels so real, it´s weird. It must just be one of his _moments_ again. He eyes the contours of Isak, and swims to him underwater. Then he shoots up, right in front of him, giving him a surprise. Isak`s shocked face is stunning.

Even fights the need to kiss him at once. – Did you think I died? he jokes, floating around in the water.

 _Now, where did that lame joke come from?_ From that déjà vu moment?

– Yeah I got _so_ scared, Isak laughs. – You suck at holding your breath?

Even fakes to be shocked. – I suck? Try it yourself.

Isak laughs again.– Are you challenging _me_? I'm the _master_ at holding my breath.

Even is about to laugh and say _show me_ , when Isak falters. Even looks worried at him. Isak`s eyes are dazed, he is pale, and he leans to Even.

– Are you alright, Isak?

– I… Eh, I don't know.

Isak looks confused, and a little embarrassed. He clings onto Even`s shoulders, as if he needs support in the water. – I have had some strange feelings, sometimes. Mostly when I’m with you. It's almost like some flashbacks, or some sort of déjà vu. And this was a strong one. It`s like I have experienced this before, but I know I haven`t. Like, just now, you were about to laugh, and say “show me”, and I was about to say “okay, fine”. And I would swallow water, and we would banter about it, and have a competition, and you would cheat, and we would kiss. And it would be our first kiss. But this isn't our first kiss, Even.

The last sentence is only a whisper.

Even shivers, and pulls Isak closer. Somehow, what Isak explains, sounds _real_. He was about to say “show me”. And the worst part is, it sounds very similar to Even`s own strange moments. They both have these!

– You know, he admits. – I just had almost a feeling like that. Just not so detailed. I have had a few. Like back in the kitchen when you asked me what I said. I just thought it was… well, something with my bipolar disorder or something.

– That`s so strange.

– Yeah.

– It doesn't have to be anything bad, you know, Even says. – Maybe it`s like one of your alternative universes, seeping into ours.

Isak chuckles. – It doesn't work like that. If what we sense is another universe… Well, the universes doesn't seep into each other.

– Maybe not, professor Valtersen. But who knows how it works? He sighs. – Maybe we're meant to meet in every universe.

Isak suddenly grins. – You're such a romantic, Even.

– Yeah, I am.

 _I believe it's true. We are meant to meet. In every universe_.

They stare at each other for a second, just floating around in the water.

– What did it feel like? Even asks. – The déjà vu kiss, I mean?

Isak stares at him. His eyes are dark. – It was… like my first kiss with a boy, after pining and wanting to do it for a very long time. I… or the younger version of me… couldn’t believe that it happened. It was so much anxiety, joy and desire that I almost combusted. It was a lot.

Even has trouble breathing. This is so weird. He feels like he has lost something, and feels weirdly jealous of those young versions of Isak and him. What now? He doesn't know where to go from this. He has no script, nothing.

Isak moves a little closer to him in the water. – I think we should do the breathing contest, he says. Something sparkles in his eyes. – Just to prove who is the master.

– Yeah? Even smiles. – I won't cheat, you know.

– Sure. So, are we doing this?

– Yeah, I`m in, Even says and prepares to go under. – Together? On three?

– Last one to come up wins. Ready?

– We're going together on three. No, on 1. 3, 2, 1!

They go under water.

And suddenly, everything is silent, and blue, and Isak stares into his eyes. And it`s like his masque is gone, it's just Even, and Isak, and no fuzz. And for a moment he is a younger Even, some other place, full of want, lust and anxiety. And Even suddenly knows that he must cheat this time, too, not because he needs to find a way to find out if Isak`s okay with a kiss, like the younger version of him needed to, but because _they_ need this.

They need to take back this lost moment.

He moves forward, and grabs Isak`s neck, as if he is trying to strangle him, but Isak pushes him away. Then Even moves closer, and kisses Isak. Isak stares at him with wide eyes, and floats to the surface.

– Yes! Even splutters, like in victory.

– What? Fuck? How did you know?

Even just laughs. – I won!

Isak splutters. – No! That was cheating. And how the fuck did you know, Even?

Even laughs again, remembering the joy this younger Even felt when he realized that Isak would follow his game, instead of fighting his kiss. Even loves the feeling that he knows what comes next, and that Isak knows it too.

– You think there are rules here? he asks, teasing.

Isak`s jaw drops down. – Yes!

Isak smiles wide now, like he finally gets it. They are doing this reenactment, of a first kiss that they never had. They are taking it back.

– You can't cheat, Isak says. – I don't accept losing like that.

– Then let's do it again.

And they do.

And there they are, together, in the blue. In the silence, where there are no games. And this time Isak moves forward. Even waits. And Isak kisses him, and grabs hold of him. And it is a strange feeling, kissing Isak and enjoying the tingling feeling, as the same time that he is another place, or time, feeling overwhelmed by kissing his crush for the very first time. It`s so much. Maybe too much. Even is dizzy, and the only thing that keeps him collected, is Isak, and the kiss.  

They break to the surface, and keep kissing, like they never have kissed before. And in a way they haven`t. Not like this.

They step back for a moment, to catch air, and stare at each other. Even can`t stop a big grin to form on his face. This is amazing. They lunge at each other again, kissing deeper, and messier.

– It`s so much, Isak gasps into his mouth, – feeling both here, and _there_ …

– Yeah, Even agrees. – Almost too much.

Even feels lightheaded and ridiculously happy. He won`t never stop kissing. He pulls Isaks hips closer, and loses himself in the kiss.

Isak moans, and pulls him even closer. – We won't get interrupted this time.

Even is surprised. – We got interrupted in that… other world?

– Yeah. By a kid.

Even laughs, feeling elated. – Oh yeah! That's funny.

Isak looks at him. – How did you know, just now? About the strangling and kissing?

Even can still feel the strange, overwhelming sensation of being to places at once. The knowledge of what would happen next. – I felt it too, when we went under water.

– I sort of guessed that you did, too, but I wasn't sure...

Isak looks shocked. Confused. Even knows that Isak struggles with this. This is so… almost supernatural, and Isak is such a logical being. Even wonders if he should tell Isak about his thoughts about parallel universes, but his thoughts are so scattered that he doesn't know how to put them into words.

Even strokes his curls by his temple, and kisses him slowly. Hopes that he can give Isak the calmness he feels. This means that they are meant to be. It must mean that they are!

Isak relaxes into his kisses, and sighs. – I don’t understand this at all.

– Maybe we’re not supposed to.

– Maybe not, Isak breathes, and tangles his fingers into Even’s hair. – I am glad we weren’t interrupted this time, though.

– Yeah.

Isak looks at him with want in his eyes. – But we should get out of here. Find our room.

He blushes.

God, how is it possible to be so hot and almost innocent at the same time? Even grins, feeling like he is on top of the world. – The Suite.

– Well, yeah, the suite. Are you coming?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you liked it! Let me know if you do, and if you don`t! 
> 
> I struggled a little with some parts, but not as much as the next chapter. lol The next chapter will be very eventful. Both good and bad. I look forward to posting it. 
> 
> Yeah, I should maybe comment the fact that I couldn`t resist pairing up Vilde and Ingrid here. And Magnus and that hottest girl from Nissen. The weird part is, I like Magnus and Vilde as a couple, too. I just don`t think it`s realistic that all the high school sweethearts stick together for so many years. So this happened. 
> 
> A new chapter comes next week. Hopefully. We are going on holiday, but I hope I`ll manage to edit it anyway. So long!


	5. Don`t leave me alone

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Isak and Even has run away from the Halloween party, and ended up at Plaza Hotel. In this chapter, a lot is going to happen. Hold on tight.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi, everyone! Thank you for all the love and all the comments! ❤️ 
> 
> So. I'll keep this short, since I'm on holiday.
> 
> WARNING: This chapter contains disturbing content, like suicidal thoughts. Please don't read the part between the three stars if you might get triggered by it. This chapter also contains smut. 
> 
> Thank you to my beta reader, for helping me with this!

_ Another time Isak and Even almost met, was at a russe party at Syng. Sana invited Even, but Isak and the other boys chose to stay home and play Fifa instead. Even and Sana ended up singing cheesy songs for a long time. Even enjoyed himself a lot at the party, but he went home early when he saw his old gang there. Going home, he didn't understand why he felt disappointed, like he had missed something significant. _

##  ****

##  **Isak: The Suite**

They take the glass elevator up to the suite, and Isak feels like he is in a dream, or a bubble. They stand there in their costumes, Even with his rabbit head and bag in his hands, and Isak with their dripping wet boxers in his hands, and it's funny, it's ridiculous. Still Isak feels like the situation is serene and almost… spiritual. Even is next to him, they are together, and that is all that matters. They look out at Oslo from their bubble of an elevator, and it is beautiful. Even pulls him in, Isak kisses him, and he feels so happy. The weird sensations or flashes freak him out a little, he must admit. But he is still happy.

Isak feels nervous going into the suite, it looks too luxurious, like someone like him doesn’t belong there. It`s a bright, modern suite, but a lot bigger than any other hotel room Isak has ever had. It`s ridiculous. It`s beautiful.

Even puts down his rabbit head and bag, and Isak drops the wet boxers. They look at each other. Isak swallows. The nerves combined with his worries about the flashes, makes him tremble a little. 

Even`s eyes shines at him.  – Are you okay?

Isak exhales and looks at Even.  –  I just don’t understand those strange sensations we have, and I hate things that I don’t understand, you know.

Even looks closer at him.  –  Well, you seem like yourself again now. And I feel great. Maybe it's all over.

– Yeah , Isak nods.  –  I just can’t understand that those sensations weren’t real. It felt so real! I could not have dreamed just that ... But how is that possible? I don’t get it. 

_ Am I going crazy? _

–  Am I going…?

He stops himself before he finishes his sentence. 

Even just smiles, and looks at him with shiny eyes. His finger strokes Isak`s eyebrow. 

– Sometimes, you think too much, Isak, he says. – We don’t know what this is. But we know that it mostly happens when we`re together. Maybe we should just go with it.

Isak sighs, feeling a little relaxed by the touch. – Maybe, he admits. 

The need for Even is pounding in his body. He still feels like he doesn’t know how to forget his worries, or how to move forward.

He lets Even lead him. Even pulls him into his arms and holds him. He kisses Isak`s forehead and runs his fingers through his hair. Isak melts into the touch. He needs that warmth, that compassion so badly. So, he shuts his eyes and enjoys what Even is doing. He feels Even kiss his closed eyelids, then the tip of his nose and each cheek, and the tension seeps out of his body. Isak sighs; it’s like he is lost and about to be found. His want for Even is taking his breath away.

He feels Even lower his lips to his. God, he needs this incredible connection. He shivers, and opens his mouth and lets Even in. His lips rub against Even`s as his tongue lightly, playfully strokes his. Isak hears himself whimper and feels his resulting groan reverberate through the both of them.

Isak opens his eyes and looks into Even’s shining eyes. The love he finds make him tremble. He grabs Even`s shoulders and holds Even`s gaze, leans to him, and breathes in the smell of man (and chlorine). He is dazed and awestruck. It’s like he still can’t believe this is happening. This is Even! I his arms! Isak’s heart races as he rubs his nose against Even`s and leans his forehead against his. Even`s hands folds into Isak`s hair, and he breathes heavily. 

Isak suddenly has only one thought in his head. He wants Even, and he wants him in bed. His fingers are steady when he starts to zip off Even`s costume. Even`s fingers shivers as he begins to zip open Isak`s. Isak waits to feel Even`s hands on his skin, and he sighs with pleasure when it happens. The costumes fall to the floor and they stand naked in the middle of the room. They look at each other and Isak knows he will keep this moment in his memory as a precious treasure. 

Even looks like he shines. He smiles, his eyes glitter, and it`s like he's electric. Isak watches Even, his lean and strong body, and the light in his eyes; and he feels dazed by all the feelings that fill him up. He presses his body against Even. 

Even kisses his neck, and Isak moans in anticipation. The fire in his body makes him unable to think. Somehow they move to the bed, and Even kisses him and caresses him and takes him places he has never been. Tender, soft and careful, Even`s hands caresses his body until it shivers. Even looks Isak in the eyes and kisses him all over. _Oh god, it just never ends, this connection._ Isak feels trapped in a whirlwind, and clings to Even. 

The world goes blurry for a moment. Isak gasps as he again feels himself split in two, as he senses a younger version of Even sitting on top of him, making love to him and riding him slowly. The intimacy in that moment is breathtaking. 

Still, Isak doesn’t want to copy that, like they sort of mirrored the kiss in the pool. This time, Isak wants to make his very own moment with Even. So, he pushes Even around on his back, and mutters; – I wanna make you feel good, too, Even. Wanna ride you.

Even looks surprised, but glad. He smiles a shivering smile and lies like an angel against the white sheets. His skin glows, and his eyes look helpless and dark with lust. Isak can't keep his hands off his chest and arms. 

Even groans, as Isak kisses his neck and leaves small kisses on his chest. It`s a strange and intoxicating feeling, to kiss Even like this, while at the same time he feels Even doing the same to him, in another world. It`s like all the feelings intensify, and make it difficult to breathe. He kisses Even`s ankles, the backsides of his knees, and his thighs, while he feels echoes of the same sensations to his own body. 

It seems like Even struggles with lying still. – Do you… feel it too? he mutters. His eyes are glazed and his lips are parted.  – Both here… and there…?

Isak meets his eyes, and nods, feeling dizzy.

Even shivers. – I wanna… he mutters, and reaches for Isak, his arms, shoulders and hair. 

– `S okay, Isak mumbles. Even moans as Isak grabs hold of his dick and feels its swollen heat. Isak kisses and licks Even`s dick, happy to hear his silent moans. He wants Even to feel so good. His fingers shiver in anticipation, and when he finds the lube, he spills a little. 

– I wanna open myself… for you, he groans. And he does, while Even watches. He has done it before, but it still surprises him how gratifying it is to stimulate his own rim and let his finger slip in. Even's eyes on him makes it even hotter. He feels the heat in his face as he sticks another finger in. And Even watches. 

– Can I… Even`s voice is hoarse, as he sits up. There's something frenetic over his movements. Isak nods and moves closer, and lets his fingers slip out, as Even slowly slips one finger inside him, and then two. Even kisses him, and lets the fingers stroke in and out, stretching him and making him long for more. 

Isak`s cock is rock hard, and the need combined with the pleasure in his hole, makes him shiver. Even strokes against his prostate, and Isak almost loses it. He puts a hand on Even`s hand to stop him. – God, I'm gonna… I'm ready.

He is more than ready. The sensations are overwhelming. Isak finds a condom and helps Even to put it on. Then he positions himself over Even, and sinks slowly over him. When Even fills him up, it feels like… home. Isak still feels that echo from that other world, where Even is sinking over him, not the other way around, and it makes everything intense and dreamy at the same time. And so  _ right _ . 

They are still kissing, moving their lips over each other. Isak puts his hands in motion, stroking Even`s body. His arms, his legs, his chest and stomach: over and over, building him, stoking his fire. Isak begins to move his hips, pulling and pushing against Even`s moves.  _ Oh fuck _ , they are building fast.

Isak kisses Even and moans into the kisses, as he rises and sinks over him. The double senses from  _ this _ and that other world is almost too much to take. He shuts his eyes, and lets his other senses take over for a moment. The taste of Even`s kiss in his mouth, the smell of sex and warmth in his nose and the passionate moans and groans filled his ears. His skin is over-sensitized. Isak feels Even`s hands skimming over his back and his hips meeting his thighs as Isak moves over him. Even`s cheek and nose brushes his. He feels their sweating chests graze against each other, and feels Even`s stiff cock pushing up into him again and again. Hitting his prostate and pushing him closer to the edge. Isak tries to keep control over the rising feelings. He is beyond ready to come, but he wants to stay in this sensual haze, and he wants to wait for Even.

Isak pulls away from Even`s mouth and tries to catch his breath. He openes his eyes, and meets Even`s dark gaze. He feels how Even thickens inside of him. Isak meets his thrusts. With his final thrust, Isak feels Even grab hold of him and explode into him.

The sensations are better than any other he has ever experienced, but he stops the end, holds on to his climax by the fingertips. He doesn't want to finish quite yet. He wants to give Even more pleasure. His legs are shaking when he pulls off him. 

Even looks wrecked, but happy. – Do you want me to blow you, honey?

Isak shivers by his words, but shakes his head.

– I wanna fuck you too. Can I?

Even stares at him, like in wonder, and nods. Isak sits back, lifts Even’s legs to the side. He coats his fingers with lube and reaches for Even’s rim. Even twitches. – Please, slow... I’m a little sensitive now.

Of course. Isak wants Even to feel so good. He reaches for Even’s face and kisses him again. Then he leaves small kisses over his neck, chest, belly and hips. Giving Even a little time to recover and himself some time to slow down his own desperation.

Even sighs and hums as Isak kisses the insides of his thighs. Isak carefully parts Even’s buttcheeks and blows a breath of air at his rim. Even shivers, and Isak can see that his dick thickens. 

Isak finally lets his fingers carefully tease and explore Even’s hole. Even moans and moves against his fingers. – Oh fuuuuck…

Even’s excitement makes Isak tremble. He pumps Even with one finger, then two, and he feels how Even starts opening and relaxing for him. He finds Even’s trigger. Even’s eyes widen, and he groans. – Fuck, that’s so good...

Isak notices that Even is hard again. Well, enough is enough. Isak needs to fuck him. Like right now. He grabs hold of Even’s thighs, pushes them back and teases Even with his head a little, before he pushes in. The tightness is overwhelming. He’s not going to last long.

He reaches for Even’s dick, and strokes it in the pace of his thrusts. He is so close, and he wants Even to come, too. Then he hears Even`s deep voice tells him to let go. Isak shakes his head, not wanting it to be over yet. 

– Let go, Isak, Even groans.

_ It is too much. _ Isak tightens up everywhere, he is going to come and it's going to be with his whole body. He thrusts into Even, and it almost hurts, he comes so much. He keeps releasing, the spasms lasting for long seconds. He is spent and drooping, collapsed completely on top of Even, still inside of him.

Isak feels drained, and he almost has no energy to throw away the condom. He falls onto Even and lies over him, panting and listening to his throbbing heart. Even and Isak hold each other for a moment, and they don`t say a word. Isak lies with his eyes shut. He knows that he is in love with Even, and in this moment, nothing else exists. He almost starts drifting off to sleep, but Even doesn`t seem to have the calm to lie for long. 

– I am hungry, he says, kisses Isak and sits up. – I never got to taste all that yummy food at the party. 

Isak laughs silently. – Me neither. 

He`s hungry too, and the hunger wins over the tiredness. So, they order ridiculously expensive mini burgers. Even wants champagne, but Isak wants his senses with him tonight, and he suspects Even should stay away from the alcohol. (Magnus` mom mentioned that once). So they sit on the floor and munch the burgers, and drink soda and it's chill.    
  
The mini burgers are delicious. And Even is amazing. He is shining like a star, eating burgers and smiling and talking and laughing and talking. He almost seem high when he talks about all of his plans for them, and that they are going to marry, and he talks about some strange movie reference that Isak doesn't get. Something about princess Vivian and a balcony.

When Isak doesn`t get it, it's like Even doesn`t notice at all. And that`s not like him. Isak is confused. It`s almost like Even isn’t quite there. He just chats and laughs, and Isak feels a sinking feeling of dread in his stomach. He realizes that he’s not quite following Even`s thoughts at all, and that's when it hits him. Even is sort of… losing it. Maybe? The thought scares him. Or is he overreacting, because of his mother, and seeing problems when there are none? Isak doesn`t want to assume something that might be some sort of misunderstanding. One thing's certain. Even is very excited, and the way he talks is strange. 

Isak swallows. What should he do? Even has told him that he should ask, if he wonders about anything. But won't he break everything then? Won't he just make Even angry and irritable?

When Even has a small pause in his monologue, Isak draws his breath. – Are you okay, Even? he asks, a little carefully.

It goes a moment, before Even focuses on him. – Huh?

– You're talking very fast, Even. I don't get it all. And you’re very excited. Everything okay?

Even laughs. – I`m fine, Isak, don`t worry! Everything`s fine. I`m just happy to be with you. 

He licks the sauce from the burgers off from his fingers and looks playfully at Isak. – I want you again, he says. – God, I want you all the time, do you know that? I want you to fuck me, and I want to fuck you.

Isak swallows, overwhelmed by the feelings Even wakes up in him, and tries to push away his worry.  _ It`s probably nothing _ . Even knows what he feels. He’s fine. They will be fine.  

Even grins and drops the duvet he has wrapped himself in, reveals his lovely, pale skin, and moves over the floor toward Isak, like he is scenting him, ready to mate. Even`s eyes are glassy.  _ That`s only lust _ , Isak tells himself.  _ Nothing to worry about. _

– I want you so much, Even says against the skin of his neck, and Isak shivers. – We belong together, you know?

Isak can only nod. Even skims the backs of his fingers along Isak`s cheek and neck, and pushes away Isak`s duvet as well. Even`s hands moves over Isak`s warm skin, and Isak trembles below his hands.  _ But what if it is the beginning of a manic episode, or something similar? Should they be doing this at all? _ Isak is confused, and guilty, but Even`s touch is so good, and he can't help but want him. He doubts that he would have had the strength to say no if he wanted to. 

Even is all over him, kissing and touching and licking, and Isak decides to forget his worries. Even can`t be so present as he is, and manic. It just can`t be. Can it? Isak only wants to enjoy this, and forget everything else. 

They are both breathing heavily now. Even`s erection, is long, pink and ready. Isak kneels and leans towards him. He tastes the salty, dripping tip, enjoying the flavor. Even arches and moans. Isak takes him slowly into his mouth, swirling his tongue, trying to wring pleasure from him. He lets the flare of Even`s head snag on his lips, tugging gently, forcing further moans out of Even. He purses hard and adds as much suction as he can before diving for the base, lodging him in his throat. He feels Even buck his hips, grinding the head into Isak`s mouth. 

Isak keeps a brisk pace on Even, moving him in and out of his mouth. Even reaches out and runs his fingers through his hair. The gesture is tender and warm, and makes Isak shiver. He speeds up, and feels Even thicken, his testicles raised and his breath comes in harsh pants. The end is near. With one final, deep plunge, Isak feels Even release. 

He pulls off Even, and looks at him. Even has a silly grin and a vacant, sated look in his eyes. He still reaches for Isak, and skims his hands over his back. Isak feels goosebumps spring up where his hands trails. Even turns him around, and moves over him, where he is lying on his stomach. Even sticks knees between his and forces his legs apart. 

Isak wonders what Even is going to do. Is he hard again already? Is he going to fuck him? Even kisses the back of his neck and tells him to relax. 

– Slapp av, babe, I got you.

Even moves down on him, skimming his hands and lips over Isak`s back. He keeps moving lower and lower. When he gets down to Isak`s ass, he keeps massaging the globes, separating and rubbing the cheeks. Isak shivers as Even’s hands keeps going in circles, moving closer and closer to his crack. Finally, one of his hands brushes through his cleft. Isak moans. Even`s fingers starts exploring, teasing. Then Isak feels Even kiss the left cheek. His mouth keeps skimming over his ass and moves to his crack. When he reaches the soft flesh, his tongue touches him. Isak jumps. Electricity flows from Even`s touch to him. Even moves lower and lower getting closer and closer to his hole. Isak feels him kiss the skin around the hole then touches it with his tongue. Isak yelps. Then Even starts using his tongue. He moves over him over and over. He laps him and swirls around him. Isak feels himself start opening. Then Even stabs him with his tongue. Isak is rock hard.  _ Oh god! This is so good! Jesus! _ Even keeps moving his tongue in and out of Isak`s ring, and Isak begs him not to stop. He knows he is whimpering into the pillow. He actually bites it to keep from crying out. Then Even pulls his tongue away. 

Isak lifts up in protest. But Even pushes him back down. He blows cool air over the wet skin. Isak shivers. Then he huffs warm air over him. Isak moans. Then he feels Even place a finger against him. It pushes right in, to the knuckle. Isak recognizes the feeling - it sort of burns, but it isn’t uncomfortable at all. Then Even hits that spot. Isak feels a tingle hit him, and his cock releases a large drop of pre-cum. Then a second finger joins the first. The tingle gets stronger. Then a third finger joins in. Isak moans into his pillow. Even keeps moving the three in and out, twisting and turning. Isak arches his back. He wants more. 

– I am ready, he mutters. 

Even lowers to his ear and whispers huskily into it. – That’s good baby. But I need you begging. I need you to be so hot that you cum just from my fingers.

His eyes are shining against him. He nips Isak`s earlobe with his teeth; it sends shivers through Isak`s whole body. – Then I’m going to love you and fuck you until you come again.

He kisses Isak`s shoulder. Isak moans, and moves against the fingers. – Please… I’m ready…

– Slapp av, I got you. I’m going to fuck you so good. Let go, babe.

Isak shakes. It`s too much, the suggestive talk, the fingers, the anticipation. Isak shoots, over and over right into the sheets. He cries out and moans. With Even`s fingers there, Isak feels how he clamps and clutches as he comes _. Oh God! _ Then as he calms his breathing, he feels Even climb up on him, ready.    
  
Isak feels Even at his opening. He teases Isak, brushing the dripping head back and forth over his hole. Isak feels himself push back on him. He wants him to be inside. But Even only brushes him with it, back and forth. 

Isak is overwhelmed when he realizes that the feelings are building again. The sensations this time are less intense but longer lasting. 

Isak is moaning, whimpering, begging. Then Even flips him over. Isak looks into his shining eyes. His face is taut with the control he is enforcing. His eyes are glassy and he is on edge. Then he grabs Isak`s hips, pushes his knees forward and pushes into him. Isak feels his eyes roll up into the back of his head. He feels full, and stretches around Even, accepting, begging for more. 

Even rocks into him slowly, scooting forward by scant millimeters. It seems like a lifetime of sizzling, electrifying sensations before Even is inside of him completely. Isak feels Even’s testicles brush his ass. Isak opens his eyes and looks at him. Even has his eyes shut and his jaw clenched, holding back. He stays in place and Isak doesn’t move, at least not intentionally. But he feels his sphincter relax around Even and his body tries to pull him in, seating him, milking him. Even groans loudly before pulling back. Then Isak breaths out in a gasp when Even pushes back into him. Even brushes his prostate inside of him, and Isak gets even harder.

Isak feels his cock brush against Even`s belly, moving subtly by his heartbeat and then harder with Even`s gentle thrusting. Even pushes on his legs so he can get closer to him. Isak moves them to the side so he can wrap them around Even; so he can pull Even closer, hold him tighter. Even`s chest brushes his, Isak arches his back to him; he wants their bodies to touch. 

He is building, he is growing,  _ oh god! _ Isak feels himself climb to orgasm again. He knows it's going to happen. Even keeps brushing his prostate, each stroke makes his testicles rise higher. Isak looks up at Even and sees glossy eyes, tight cheeks and a rosy, passionate flush. Even is on a mission, focused on their pleasure. He is bucking and arching into him. 

Isak feels Even speed up a little; his thrusting becomes shorter so he hits Isak`s prostate faster and harder. It is going to happen again, he is going to cum. He pulls Even towards him, fusing their bellies together. His cock is wedged between two, sweaty bellies, grinding the head and stroking his shaft in sweaty, lubricated motions. 

Even pulls out partially so the tip of his cock is against Isak`s prostate; he nudges up over and over, pushing the flared tip against that bead of nerve endings. Isak starts crying out, whimpering. He has never known such pleasure, such rare bliss. It is too much.

Isak feels his stomach clench, pulling his thighs and causing his cock to stiffen. Even brushes it once, twice and Isak explodes. Isak screams out his love for Even. Each single spasm gets a bellow from deep inside. He feels cum hit his chest, his stomach and Even’s chest. 

Even still keeps thrusting; Isak is spent. Drained. He knows he still clamps Even, pulls him, and milks him. Even starts getting jerky in his thrusts. Isak feels him tighten. Then he calls out Isak`s name and keeps chanting it with each pulse of his release. 

Isak is so spent, so tired and so very, very sated. Even collapses on top of him. Isak is so gone he can’t even wrap his arms around Even. Isak feels his racing heart slow down. He still can’t move his arms but he can nuzzle Even`s neck and cheek with his nose. Even moves his nose and nuzzles him. Slowly, very slowly, they start to kiss, to search and meet with lips and tongue. They are sticky with sweat and cum, but Isak doesn't care. When they can move again, about ten minutes after, Isak takes Even to the bathroom. They crawl into the tub and all they do is to soak in the warm water. Isak traces each muscle and curve with a soapy sponge. He returns the favor. It isn't sexual so much as sensual.    
  
After the water has revived them, they drain the tub and dry each other off. They keep grinning at each other. Even keeps asking if Isak is okay. Isak ask Even the same. He can’t stop laughing. He tells Even he almost didn’t make it; it was too good.

Even laughs, and says that the night is young yet. And Isak almost worries that he is serious. But afterwards, they snuggle in bed. Isak lies on his side, facing Even. He feels he almost can drown in Even`s shiny eyes. He is so tired, and content that he hardly can think. 

*

Even is here, with him, and he shouldn’t worry.  _ He is here _ . And Even`s fingers stroke Isak`s hair at his temple and it makes him so relaxed that he hardly manages to keep his eyes open.

– Do you really think there might be parallel universes? Even asks, in a whisper.

It`s difficult to shrug in bed, but Isak tries to. – If the universe is infinite, there should be, he says. 

– How many universes?

– Infinite.

_ How many Isaks and Evens do you think are lying exactly like this right now? _

The sentence is like an echo from another universe. Isak shivers, and knows what’s coming. 

– How many Isak and Even's do you think are lying exactly like this right now? Even asks.

_ Infinite. _

– Infinite.

– For infinite time?

– Yes.

Even smiles, and his smile is almost painfully beautiful.

Even gets a distant look in his eyes. – You know, the only way to have something for infinite time, is to lose it.

Isak stares at him, and feels that sinking feeling in his stomach again. Nobody is going to lose anybody, thank you very much. – Don`t say that, he says.

Even looks at him for a moment, then he strokes his temple again and smiles. – I`m only joking. 

His fingers stroke Isak`s left eyebrow, and the sensation is strangely calming. 

Isak tries to fight it, but he drifts off to sleep. 

*

In his dream, he is running, looking for something. 

He doesn't know what the time is, when he wakes up in an empty bed and hears Even rummaging in the bathroom. 

– Do you never sleep? he mutters.

Even jumps into the bed with him and kisses him. – Not when you're lying here being so fucking hot.

Isak smiles, dizzy with his love for this wonderful man who moves around completely naked. 

_ Not when you're lying here being so fucking hot _ , he hears as an echo. What’s this? It’s suddenly like everything’s linked to that other universe, or something? What does it mean? Isak is too tired to try to find a meaning with it. Even jumps out of bed again. Isak tries to stay awake for a moment, but falls asleep again. 

*

Isak wakes up again from a sound he doesn’t recognize. He misses Even, who still seems to be rummaging around. 

_ Baby! Come lie down with me. _

_ I'll go out and buy some McDonalds for us first. _

_ Even? _

An unexplainable dread from that other world fills him. Even… Where is Even? Isak shakes his head, tries to wake up. It’s probably just the rest from a dream… 

– Baby! he mumbles. – Come to bed with me, yeah?

– I'll go out and buy some McDonalds for us first, Even says, and walks out. 

It takes a moment before Isak`s sluggish brain registers that Even left the hotel room in only his shoes. Without clothes.  _ What the fuck? _

The panic tightens his chest, and he sits up. 

– Even?   
  
*

Isak is so scared.  _ What if someone hurts Even? _ And so guilty.  _ I should have known _ . Isak runs after Even, but doesn’t find him anywhere. He doesn't believe in a god, but he still begs and pleads that he’ll find Even.  _ Please _ , let him be safe. 

The worst part is, that he has someone with him. A younger version of him, confused and scared shitless (and he doesn't even seem to know about the mania). 

It seems like something very similar happens in another universe, with a younger Isak and Even. They are at the same hotel, talking about a lot of the same things, and ends up with Even running naked out in the night. It’s terrifying.

Isak shoves his thoughts away. He needs to find Even, before he is beaten up, or something worse happens. But where is he? 

He needs to contact someone, who knows about Even and his episodes. He remembers Sonja’s text, but hesitates before he calls her number. Even wouldn't like it. Even would probably hate him for calling her. Still, Isak knows he needs to keep Even safe. Alive. That's so much more important than Even’s approval.

When Isak finally calls Sonja, she yells at him and says they have been irresponsible. And he knows she’s right. 

But then she tells him that Even is found, and that he is safe. And Isak is so relieved, that he is dizzy, and nauseous, and the tears sting in his eyes. If something bad had happened to Even, he wouldn't know what to do.

Like in a trance, he senses that the other Isak meets Sonja there, in the middle of the night.  _ His _ Sonja is on the phone. She keeps yelling at him, and the other Isak and Sonja fades away. 

–  _ You’ve been so irresponsible, _ Sonja says, building Isak’s feeling of guilt. Because, fuck, she’s right! –  _ Even’s been sleeping too little and fooling around too much lately! Smoking is bad for him, too, you know! And how could you not react when he drags you to a fucking suite at Plaza? _

Isak can only listen to her, as he is standing alone in the cold, dark street. He doesn't know how to defend himself. Shit, he doesn't know if he has the right to. Sonja is right; they have been reckless and irresponsible. Isak has ignored all the signs. He know it’s true.

– I didn't know, he whispers, – that it would be like this.

–  _ If you think that dating a guy with bipolar disorder is some romantic fairytale, you’re wrong, Isak! This is reality!! _

And then Sonja gives the final blow: –  _ Do you really think he loves you?  _ she shouts, breaking Isak`s heart. Then she confirms all his doubts: –  _ He doesn’t! It’s just the mania! One of his fix ideas! _

That`s when Isak finally breaks. The tears fall silently from his eyes, and he doesn’t even try to stop them. 

##  **Even: The Bed**

Even`s manic episode doesn't last that long this time, but when he finally comes to his senses after some days, he feels worse than he has done in a long, long time. He feels like he has been in a dream, where the world was a hot and messy blur and his thoughts moved too quickly to catch them. He shifts in the bed, feeling almost empty. The buzz, the restlessness and the intense feelings have faded now.

_ Fuck _ . He's back at his parents' house. He's 27 and he's staying at his parent's house. Lying in his old bunk bed. It's so  _ wrong _ .

He shifts in the bed. Does Isak know that he's here? Fuck,  _ Isak _ . Images from the Halloween party, the pool, the suite and,  _ oh my god _ , all that sex, plays before Even's eyes, and he feels his chest clench at the same time as he cringes. They had been so close, and everything had felt so  _ true _ . Isak and him together. There were so much love. Even had been so happy that he didn't notice that he was tipping over... going manic. 

And Isak... Isak must be so confused. Maybe scared, too. Does he know where Even is? Has he tried to call? Even stares at his phone, afraid to see what texts he has sent when he was gone, and Even more afraid to see any answers. He just... can't face that right now.

– You hungry, dear?

His mother's voice is soft from the doorway. 

Even shakes his head, but she still enters the room.

– You should try to eat something, Even. Here's a yoghurt and some fruit, in case you change your mind.

She puts the food at his table, and looks up at him.

– How are you?

Even breaths out. – I guess I'm myself again. Sort of.

His mother nods. – You want to know what happened?

Even closes his eyes. – Shoot.

– The police picked you up and drove you here. You were naked, remember?

He nods. He has a vague memory that he was.  _ Fuck _ .

– It's not that bad, honey. Sonja called us, so that we were ready for you, and we could go and get your things at the hotel.

Even's brain works slowly, but he catches something that bugs him. He looks at his mother.

–  _ Sonja _ ?

– Yes, his mother smiles a little. – Your boyfriend, Isak, phoned her and asked what to do, and…

– He phoned her, Even sighs, and feels somewhat betrayed. He knows he shouldn't, though. It's not fair of him. Isak must have been scared shitless. He didn't have the number to his parents. Still, it feels  _ wrong _ . – She texted Isak without saying anything to me, he mutters.

His mother's eyes are warm and understanding. – Sonja was worried for you, Even. You can't be mad at her for caring.

– It's not her job to worry anymore, really.

– She's still your friend.

Even sighs, knowing that his mother won't understand his need to take some of the control back. – I know, he says. – I'll thank her. Just not now.

His mother bites her lip. – I'm not sure if I should tell you this, but Sonja admitted that she might have yelled at Isak.

Even sits up. – What? What did she say?

– I don't know. 

_ Oh god _ . Even hopes that Sonja didn't say anything that hurt Isak, or scared him. Isak must have been so shocked.

Even picks at his duvet. – Did you meet him?

– Isak? No, when we went to the hotel, he was gone. 

_ Gone _ . Even shuts his eyes. It must have been too much for him.

When he opens his eyes, he notices that his mother looks curious. – Did he know? About your bipolar disorder?

Even shrugs. – I had just told him. He knew, but not really. He didn't know the signs. Oh god, he asked me, because I talked too fast, and incoherently, but I didn't see it, I just felt so happy.

Too happy and too horny. He had been so focused on getting Isak to bed (again and again) that he missed the signs completely. He groans; the guilt is overwhelming. Isak didn't sign up for this at all.

– I fuck everything up.

His mom stretches up and strokes his hair. Her blue, shining eyes are calming, as always. – No, you don't. Just talk to him, Even. You'll figure it out. 

Her touch is comforting, but her words just don't mean anything right now. Even shrugs. – I'll maybe text him later.

_ Later _ . Everything will have to wait. Even feels miserable. Drained. And the worst part is, he feels the depression seep into him. It’s not quite here yet, but he knows it's coming. It's like an apathy that slowly fills him up, slows down everything and makes him hate himself.

– I thought I was in control, he admits. – That the medicine was right, that I did everything right. Well, most of the time.

His mother smiles. – Yeah, well, it's a long time since you had your last episode, Even. This might be because of stress or something. You have a session with your therapist tomorrow, right? You can figure it out with her.

– Right.

He shuts his eyes. – I think I need to rest now.

His mother looks at him. – Okay, I'll give you some extra time to rest, Even. But you know you can't stay all the time in bed. 

– I know.

Even knows too well. He just feels tired. Deadly tired. Why can't he have anything good? For the first time since forever, he had dared to take a chance on something unknown, with Isak. This amazing man. He had dared to hope that they were meant to be. Isak and him had been so good. And then everything went to hell. He just had to destroy everything. 

It`s like the universe wants him to suffer. Like  destiny has condemned him to be left alone, again and again. Even sighs. He`s not made to be in a relationship, or to be with someone .  He`s lonely, and it seems like he`s damned to be alone.

He just hopes that Isak is okay. He must be okay. Even sits up. If he doesn`t check out his phone now, the depression will make sure that he never will. He pushes himself to pick up his phone. 

The first thing he sees is three texts from Sana:

SANA

Sana: You okay?

Sana: What happened? Isak won’t say a thing. 

Sana: Where are you?

Even: Isak and I ran off. I had an episode. I’m home. Safe.

Sana: Can I tell Isak?

Even: Please don't tell him that you know me?

Sana: Don’t you want anyone to know about the episode?

Even: I don't care about that. I don’t mind if Isak tells people that I have bipolar disorder. I just don't want him, or anyone else, to know about… before. Just want a new start, Okay?

Sana: Okay. Be safe Even.

Even: Thanks.

Even shuts his eyes for a moment. God, he’s a shit. Sana must think he’s an idiot. He takes a breath, and braces himself before he checks his phone again. He cringes when he sees that he has sent Isak several long messages when he was manic. About twenty of them, to be exact. Song lyrics. Film references. And towards the end just  _ I`m sorry. _ Like his mind must have had a lucid moment. 

His heart beats faster when he realizes that Isak has answered: 

ISAK ❤️

Isak: Even, I hope you are okay. I don't understand all this, but I`ll try. Okay? I`m sorry I didn't see the signs, and that I couldn't help you. Can you call me when you wanna talk?

The warmth rushes through Even. Isak sounds so  _ caring _ , and somehow filled with _ guilt? _ And confused. How can he feel guilt? And how can he still care? Even doesn`t quite get it. His hands shiver, as he turns off his phone. 

Even decides not to answer Isak. Isak doesn`t need this. Doesn't need him. He shuts his eyes and tries to think about something else. But the only thing he sees, is  _ him _ . Isak .  He still wants Isak. Needs him. Isak is so alive, and so  _ right _ . He pulls the duvet over his head, tries to shut everything out. He is tired. He won't torture himself with impossible dreams.

He twists and turns in his bed, not knowing what to do. Not having the energy to do anything, either. Somehow, after some hours, he falls asleep again, and he can forget everything for a moment. 

The next days go in a blur. Even when he starts on his antidepressants and his mother pushes him to get up, eat and shower every day, the depression seeps into him. The tiredness becomes a hollow pain in his stomach. And the only thing Even has energy to do, is to sleep.

He never answered Isak. And now it`s probably too late, anyway. He is pretty sure that Isak doesn’t want him anymore. He texted that he wanted Even to call, but... he was probably just being polite. Doing the right thing. 

Even gets worse. His mother would have said that he has a light depression this time, but Even feels like there's nothing light about it. 

One evening, he maybe a week later, he finds himself lying in his bed, staring at his drawings and images on his wardrobe. His parents are gone for the evening, and he has been staring for hours.

And then the world shifts.  

_ Did you draw these?  _

_ Yeah.  _

_ They're good.  _

_ Thanks.  _

_ Really funny.  _

_ You think so? _

Even wants to cry. The excited feeling from  _ there and then _ crashes with his apathy and makes it even harder to bear. He wants to be a part of that other world, where he can meet Isak when they both are younger, and they have the future ahead of them. Why can't he have that? Some part of him knows that the other world also is painful at times (he can feel it, like an echo), but he still wishes he could have met Isak earlier. 

It’s meaningless to think like that, of course. He and Isak are over now. The thought takes Even`s breath away. He feels a pressure against his chest, like he's being strangled.

Maybe this was for the better, though. Even knows they are too different. He's too impulsive, emotional and messy, and Isak is too careful and reasonable. They can’t possibly be good for each other. Even sighs. He knows that Isak never would have put up with him in the long run. He would get fed up, and then he'd leave.

Even shuts his eyes. He knows this is true. It still hurts to think about it. He releases his breath. So, he needs to keep Isak at a distance again. He can’t bear the thought of getting Isak, and then losing him again later.

* * *

He stares at the ceiling. There`s no point, really. There`s no point living this life without Isak. No point living when he always fucks things up. The thought should frighten him, but it doesn`t. It's more tempting than anything. It’s almost like he can hear death luring him in, calling him.  _ Come to me, and you will never be alone again _ . Even shakes his head, knowing that this is his mind playing tricks on him. Still, it`s tempting. All he wants is to not to feel alone, and to find peace.  _ You will have peace with me _ , the death calls,  _ and you will have silence _ . 

But what will Isak think? And his family? Friends? Even groans, the guilt pains him, but only makes him feel worse. He doesn't want to hurt anybody, but a part of him knows that he's going to give in, sooner or later. Everyone`s better off without him, anyway. They can continue without him, without the struggle and without getting hurt by his actions. Isak can continue and get a better life without him.

Even knows now. He wants to give up. He needs to do it. Everything`s too difficult. No matter how hard he tries, he always loses. What's the point in keeping fighting? He feels cold, and tired, but it doesn't matter. Nothing matters anymore. He knows he`s going to die soon, anyway. He doesn`t exactly know how, but he`ll find a way. Not like the last time, that was too messy. But he’ll find a way. 

The thought is weirdly comforting. Suddenly it's like the panic and pains fades away. Maybe this wouldn’t be so bad, he thinks. In death, there is only silence. There are no words, or light. Only death.

* * *

He shuts his eyes, and it`s silence. He still sees two dark green eyes, and crooked smile. Isak...  Even misses him so much. He will write a note. He will tell Isak how much he loves him. 

Even picks up his phone. The weird part is, the moment he opens it, he gets a new text from Isak.

ISAK❤️

Isak: I hope you are okay, Even. I miss you. Can you call me when you feel like it?

Even stares at the words and swallows. A part of him wants to call Isak, and ask him to come save him. He longs to hear Isak’s voice. But he can’t call. There’s no point. But he will send Isak a text. Explain everything. He won't leave everybody without a word like last time, like he left Mikael, Yousef, Elias and the others. He’ll tell Isak that he loves him.

Even`s eyes are heavy. First, he just needs a little nap. He dozes a little, and lets the peace of sleep fold around him, and when he wakes up, the room is darker.

He doesn't feel rested. If possible, he feels even more fatigued. He looks at the time.  _ Fine _ . His parent`s won't be home for a couple of hours. He only has one thought: to write his text to Isak. He picks up his phone again. The writing takes a long time. He wants to get it right. Isak deserves that. Even sighs. He wants to get back to the beginning, to where they met. He wants to go to the church. But he can`t. It`s too hard. He’s too tired. He will just stay here. He`ll send Isak his text. He will rest a little. And then it finally can be over.  

He finally sends the text and shuts his eyes.  _ Isak _ … He will never see Isak again. The sorrow flushes over him, but he knows it`s too late. Everything`s too late. 

##  **Isak: The Text**

Isak stands in Even's room in their apartment, staring at the pictures of Sagene church. He doesn't dare to pick up any of the books or DVD’s. Even seemed to want to keep those private. But if Isak looks a little at his pictures inside the closet door, that can't hurt, right?

Isak needs a reminder, that something connects him to Even, and that they have had something special. He needs something to help him forget the anxiety and guilt for a moment.

It's been over a week now. Isak received some texts from Even with song lyrics the morning after what happened, but they were just as understandable as his mother's bible quotes. 

Apart from that, he hasn't heard from Even at all. Isak sent him a text where he asked Even to contact him when he wants to, and he has tried to phone, but he has gotten no answer. The silence and the waiting is horrible. 

His mom has contacted him, though. Isak sits down on the edge of Even’s bed. He will never forget the warm feeling of relief and love when he got the text from his mom:  _ To Isak, my son: From the very first second I saw you on June 21 1999 at 21:21 I have loved you and I always will until eternity. _

He had cried when he read those words, and put the phone to his heart. She had accepted him. Loved him. He knew that he could survive almost anything, with his mother`s support. 

Apart from that, he has mostly been alone lately. He has been staying at home, almost every day. Feeling miserable. And he hasn't slept well for ages. 

Everytime he shuts his eyes, he gets these flashes, from when Even was rambling, or when Isak searched for him. And he feels the same dread, and the same guilt, and it won’t go away. 

He`s glad his new job hasn't started yet. He's not sure he would have managed to focus on anything right now, and he would never have managed to focus on a new job. So he has stayed at home, and tried not to drown in the emptiness in the flat. 

Isak doesn't understand shit right now, to be honest. Well, he knows that Even has had a manic episode, but that's about it. He doesn't know how Even is doing, and he’s worrying a lot. He can't help it. First of all, he`s not sure where Even is. He suspects that Even`s in his family home, but he doesn't know for sure. And he doesn't know how Even’s doing. 

He has been googling a lot, though. Scaring himself shitless in the process. Bipolar disorder sounds serious on Wikipedia, that`s for sure. It sounds a lot like his mom, except that his mom is more paranoid, of course, and sees and hears stuff others can't. She doesn't have those regular mood swings, either, of course, everything has always been more chaotic with her. But Isak recognizes parts of it anyway. Like the obsessions she has sometimes. The moods. The googling has told him that Sonja`s at least partly right, too. Even`s crush on Isak could be manic, or it could have made Even manic. Isak doesn`t know what feels worst. 

Everything with Even had felt so genuine and real. It was real for  _ him _ , at least. He has never felt anything like this before. Ever. 

Isak sighs. Jonas and the guys have tried to drag him outside a couple of times. And Isak  _ has _ tried to break his pattern. Talk to them. Tell them shit. But it`s difficult. At first he just said that he and Even ran off from the party and that everything went to hell. But then he couldn't hold it in anymore, and he told Jonas about the hotel, and the manic episode. Jonas had been very understanding and supportive. Like he should have expected. Isak knows he should tell the other guys, too, but he's uncertain about the whole thing. A part of him is afraid to tell Magnus about the bipolar disorder, because he is… ashamed that he feels it`s difficult. At the same time, Magnus could be helpful, since he knows the bipolar disorder first hand. Sort of.

Isak doesn't know what to do. He just sits, on Even`s bed, and stares into space. 

Sana and Yousef have invited him to dinner today, though. He doesn't really want to go, but he knows that he should. Try to be social. In a moment, he should start to get himself ready.

His phone pings. He picks it up, and sees that Sana has added him to the chat “What the fuck is happening”, with several of his friends.  _ What the hell? _

WHAT THE FUCK IS HAPPENING?

Magnus: Yo, Isak. We have given you some time now. Can`t you tell us what`s up? 

Eskild: Yeah, what happened after you left the party? We're here, bby Isak, you don't have to fight everything alone. 

Jonas: Word.

Linn: If Even left you, I can understand it if you hate him. It's the best way to get over someone, really. I can help you to take revenge, if you want to?

Isak: No thank you, Linn. And I will never hate Even. 

Noora: What happened, then?

Isak: You actually do this. Ask me to talk about this in a fucking chat?

Sana: Why not, Isak? It must be easier to tell us all at once, isn't it?

Eva: Yeah, we're all your friends, you know.

Mahdi: We got you.

Isak: It`s kind of personal.

Jonas: Just tell us what you're comfortable with, bro. 

Isak:  Okay. Fine. Guys. Even and I had a thing, most of you know that. And you know that we left the Halloween party and went to Plaza.

Eskild: Plaza? What?

Noora: That`s nice...

Magnus: I can imagine you had a good time! 

Jonas: Magnus, nei...

Isak: Fuck off, Magnus. Do you want me to tell you this, or not?

Magnus: Sorry, but it’s true, right?

Isak: Whatever. One thing, though: You must promise not to tell anyone about this. I don't know how open Even is about all this. 

Sana: I think you’ll be fine. And of course we’ll keep this to ourselves.

Isak: Well, long story short. Even has bipolar disorder. He had a manic episode and went outside naked in the middle of the night. 

Eskild: Shit.

Eva: I'm sorry, Isak. 

Magnus: He went out naked? That's funny, though! 

Isak: What the fuck, Magnus? That`s not funny!

Magnus: It kind of is. My mom does shit like that all the time. It`s really not that bad. She has these episodes where she's manic or depressive, but most of the time, she`s just great.

Isak: Yeah, I know. But the worst part is that I should have been more careful. Even could have been hurt. I should have seen the signs. Should have protected him. 

Jonas: You couldn't have known.

Isak: I don't know. But that’s not the worst part.

Magnus: What is, then?

Eva: What’s the worst part, Isak?

Eva: Isak? 

Isak: Well, Even isn't in love with me, after all. 

Sana: What?

Magnus: Why not? 

Vilde: You don`t know that, Isak.

Isak: Yeah, I do. Since he was manic? Sonja said he was just manic.

Magnus: He wasn't manic all the time, Isak. He wasn't manic at the party. When my mom is manic, it's like she's not quite there. You don`t know that he's not in love.

Isak: Yeah?

Eva: You shouldn't listen to Sonja, Isak. She`s Even`s ex, after all. 

Jonas: Yeah, exes can have ulterior motives… She was probably scared, and pissed off.

Magnus: Have you asked Even what he feels, Isak?

Sana: Magnus is right, Isak; you gotta ask him. Talk to him.

Isak: Okay, I guess you are right. I have tried to contact him, but I guess I can try again. 

Vilde: Do it. 

Jonas: What Vilde says.

Isak: I`m sure he doesn't want me, though. I have a… messy life. I don't handle shit like this well. 

Chris: Isak, it sounds like you have been telling yourself that lie for far too long. You seem to handle it just fine. Talk to him.

Noora: Lol, what's up with you, Chris?

Isak smiles a little when he exits the chat. Somehow it feels like he has a protective wall of friends now. It feels good. Could they be right, though? He breathes in, and lets his breath out again. He really should talk to Even. Find it out.

It sounds so easy. Isak still feels like he is having a heart attack when he finally tries to phone Even. His hand shivers holding his phone, and he fights to breathe steadily. He doesn't know what to say, or what to expect. What if Even rejects him? What if he says he`s not in love at all? He listens to the ringing sound. Even doesn`t pick up the phone, though, the ringing gets broken off. 

Isak sighs, and tries to swallow the lump in his throat. Even doesn`t want to talk to him. It can be because he is depressed, or because he just doesn't want to. It hurts, either way. That means that it’s over, right? It really is over. His eyes sting with the tears he tries to hold back. He won’t give it all up yet, though. He will just have to try again later. 

Isak jumps when his phone rings. Is it Even? He stares at his phone, and his heart sinks when he sees that it`s his dad. God, he doesn't need this. Not now. Well, he knows he should take it. He's been avoiding his father far too long. 

– You haven't answered my messages lately, Isak.

Isak sighs silently. – I'm sorry. I have been a little busy.

– We should meet one day. Maybe have dinner with mom?

– Yeah, we should, Isak admits. He’s not quite looking forward to it, but it will be okay. His dad was his hero once. The disappointments since then have made him more human, and they are often awkward when they meet, but he’s still his dad. Isak still cares about him. 

His father pauses for a second, and then: – I heard that you texted mom not so long ago?

_ Right. That text _ . Isak knows he needs to tell his dad. After all that has happened, it doesn't feel that scary.

– Yeah, Isak hesitates, and takes a deep breath, – I told her that I was in love. With a guy. Even. And that she shouldn't worry about it.

– Really? Well, I`m glad that you're in love, but… she stresses a lot, you know, so… how did she take it?

– Fine. She said... she loves me. 

Isak swallows his tears back. 

– Good, then. We do, you know. His father sounds relieved. – Are you alright?

Isak hesitates, the question makes him emotional against his will. – Yeah. No. We have sort of broken up. 

_ Fuck, that hurt to say out loud. _

– Are you sad, Isak?

The question goes right to his stomach, and he can't hold back the tears any longer.

– No, it's okay, he lies, and breathes through his mouth so his dad doesn't hear how he struggles with his tears. He doesn`t know if his father buys it.

– That`s good, then, his father says. – I can text you a time for that dinner with mom, yeah?

Isak just lets his tears stream. – Great. Is Lea coming?

– Your big sister is busy, you know, but I can ask her.

– Good. 

– Talk to you later, then, Isak. 

– Later. 

Isak allows himself to sob. Fuck, that hurt. Then he brushes the tears away, and stares at his phone. He can't just give up this easily. He should try once more. Be brave.

EVEN <3

Isak: I hope you are okay, Even. I miss you. Can you call me or text me when you feel like talking?

He stares at the words and feels like he puts his heart out, even if he only uses a few words. He still doesn't get an answer.

Well, he’ll give Even a little time, and then he’ll try again. Even might think that they’re over, but Isak won't give up until he knows. Not this time.

That evening he’s having dinner with Yousef, Sana and their kids. It`s nice, and Yousef turns out to be just as sweet and cool as Isak has thought. Isak doesn't feel much like talking, though. He’s too worried about Even. Luckily, the kids are chatting, so he doesn't have to say much. Sana manages to shoot some sentences in, anyway.

– I hope you didn't hate that chat too much, she says. – We just thought you needed help to air some things.

– It was okay, Isak replies. – I am glad that I know I have you all behind my back.

Yousef nods at that. – I just wish that Even knows that he has us all, as well. 

Sana gives her husband a stern look that Isak doesn't understand. He looks surprised at them both, but then the kids start to shout about dessert and he forgets all about it.

He jumps in surprise when his phone pings. 

EVEN <3

Even: Dear Isak. I'm at home, but I’m thinking of you. I would have liked to be where we met for the first time, but I just don't have the energy to get there. 

It's almost 21:21. I want to say a thousand things to you. Sorry for scaring you. Sorry for hurting you. Sorry for not telling you everything. 

I was scared to lose you. I'd forgotten that it's not possible to lose someone, when everyone is alone anyway. In another place in the universe we're together for all of eternity, remember that. Love you. Even.

Isak stares at the text. Even answered. Finally. _ Sorry _ , it says.  _ Love you _ , Isak reads, and smiles. Puts the phone away. 

But then it hits him. He is suddenly sitting next to his parents in Sagene Church again, listening to Nils Bech. But Even isn't there, this time. Isak has a phone in is hand, and the text lights up:  _ In another place in the universe we're together for all eternity, remember that.  _ And he gets cold. The images from the church mix with images from Romeo + Juliet. It’s all about death. Epic love stories.

Isak stands up, his heart races in his chest. – I gotta go.

– Okay, Yousef says. He looks concerned, but doesn't ask.

Sana just looks at Isak. Nods. Like she knows. – Even, right?

Isak hasn't time to answer. He starts towards the door, but freezes when he realizes that he doesn't know where to go. He doesn't know where Even’s parents live! Suddenly it’s difficult to breathe. 

– Fuck, I need Even’s home address! he swears. He can hear the panic in his own voice. His shallow breathing. 

– No problem, Sana says, and puts her cutlery away. – Breathe, Isak. I know it.

Isak stares at her. – How?

Sana shrugs, and stands up. – You're in a hurry, right? That doesn't matter now, does it?

Isak knows he’s in a hurry. Even might hurt himself. This is a fucking emergency. He shakes his head.

– I will drive you, Sana says, and leaves for the door. – That’s quicker.

Yousef nods. – I’ll keep the fort, guys.

Isak follows Sana out to the car, with his heart in his throat.  _ Please _ , he begs.  _ Please let him be fine _ . Then he realizes that he must warn Even’s parents. They might be able to help him before Isak and Sana gets there. When Sana drives out in the traffic, he calls Sonja and asks her to contact Even’s parents and tell them that Even has sent a text that sounds like a suicide note. Sonja accepts it immediately. After the call, Isak stares at his phone. The weirdest part of that call, was the fact that Sonja didn't sound surprised at all. 

He tries to call Even, but he gets no answer. He shuts his eyes, and the only thing he sees is Even, and all the moments with him. The first time they met. The day they spent together. The movie night. The party. He realizes that Even is everything to him.

– We’ll be there in only a moment, Sana reassures him. – Even’s gonna be fine.

Isak is not so sure. But he doesn't say anything.

After a minute or so, Sonja calls and tells him that Even’s parents are away for the day, and won't be able to reach home before half an hour. But there’s a spare key in the flower pot by the door.

Isak’s only coherent thoughts are  _ hurry _ . Hurry, hurry, hurry. And Sana does. Probably breaking some speed limits doing it.

When they stop in front of Even’s house, Isak runs out of the car and up the stairs.  _ Hurry, hurry, hurry  _ still rings in his head.  _ Please _ . He rings the doorbell, but doesn't wait for an answer. He finds the key, opens the door, and runs in, shouting Even’s name (the weird part is; although he never has been there before, it feels familiar, and he knows where Even’s room is).

– I’m right behind you, Sana calls after him. – Shout if you need me!

He runs to Even's room, opens the door, and… Even lies in the top bunk bed. Still. Isak’s heart races in anxiety.  _ No. It can't be true. Even can't be gone.  _ It can't happen, Even can't just die from him… They had just gotten to know each other!

But then he sees a movement, and hope flows over him like a flood. Maybe he's not too late? Even turns his head slowly and stares at him. He’s pale. Drained. His eyes are surprised, though. Like he can't believe what he sees.

Isak’s races, and it’s like everything slows down. Isak walks up to the bunk bed. Climbs the ladder so he’s face to face with Even.  _ His Even. _ He looks so lost. Then it suddenly hits him.

– Princess Vivian, he says. 

Even stares at him, like he's mad. 

Isak feels silly. He blushes. – Yeah, I might just have seen that movie, just to find out what you were talking about. That`s right. You know, Pretty Woman. That stupid romantic comedy trying to show that being a prostitute is romantic… jeez. 

Something happens in Even’s eyes, but he doesn't say anything. 

Isak tries to calm his beating heart and focus. – And… you know, this bed is kind of like that balcony. Or the balcony in Romeo + Juliet. But this isn't going to be a fucking tragedy, Even. I won't allow it. You saved me, you know. And now I’m gonna save you back.

Even’s sad eyes are still fixed on him. Isak doesn't know if he sees hope or fear in them. Maybe both.

Isak sighs. – All right. I’m coming up (just like Richard fucking Gere in Pretty Woman… he can be cheesy if he wants to).

He climbs up, and Even moves back as he gets into the bed. His eyes are dark, and so sad. And careful. Isak lies facing Even, and cups his face. Lets his fingers stroke his skin. He wants Even to know that he’s not alone. He moves closer and breaths in the sensation of Even’s face. His nose brushes Even’s chin.

Isak is almost overwhelmed by his feelings. Even is here.  _ Alive _ . He stares into Even’s eyes. He’s been blabbering, but it’s important that Even gets this:

– Du er ikke alene, he whispers, and hugs Even. Holds him close.  _ You're not alone.  _ And when Even lets out a shaky breath and hugs him back, Isak cries.

##  **Even: Home**

Even clings to Isak, and Isak holds him. Even buries his nose in Isak’s neck. God, he’s missed this. – I got you, Isak mutters, and strokes his back, and his hair. Even doesn’t say much. His thoughts are so slow, that he has no words anymore. 

Even thought that everything had ended. And then it didn't. He doesn't know what he feels about that yet. Everything still hurts. He still longs for silence, and peace. But Isak is here. Holding him. Grounding him. He likes that.

They are still in his bunk bed, in his childhood room. The balcony. The place he feels safe in. And at home. And Isak holds him. Everything is warm and protective, like a cocoon. 

Sana is here, too. Even doesn't know if she’s told Isak that they know each other. Right now, he doesn't care. Sana is talking with his parents in the kitchen. And he’s here, in his cocoon. With Isak.

Isak, who climbed his balcony, and who talked about Pretty Woman and Romeo + Juliet and saved him back. Even knows it’s silly, but he loves Isak for doing that.

He didn't want to be saved, though. He wanted to end everything, after all. But when he had written the text to Isak, he had been so exhausted, and he fell to sleep. And then, suddenly, Isak was here, and it was too late. 

_ Du er ikke alene _ , Isak said. And in that moment, Even had felt an echo of darkness, cool air and soft rain on his face. Of Isak’s cold cheeks and nose against his. Hands cupping his face. Green eyes in yellow street lights.  _ You're not alone. _

Even doesn't know if he can believe that, but it still feels good hearing the words. Maybe they will feel like they are true one day.

Even shuts his eyes and lets his nose run into Isak’s neck again. Pulls him closer. He feels Isak warm body next to him, and it’s safe and good, but something’s off. The walls around them are too close, the ceiling too low. He feels sort of trapped, and he knows that he needs to say something. He leans back, and looks into Isak’s eyes.

– Take me home, he says.

Isak looks at him. Blinks. His hands stroke over Even’s back. His nose brushes his. – You are home, he says. – Safe with your parents.

No. Isak doesn't understand. He must understand. Even stares him in the eyes. Isak’s eyes are so green, open and so caring that it’s almost painful to meet their gaze. Isak must understand; this isn’t home.

– No.  _ You _ are my home, Even finally answers. – Take me home, Isak.

##  **Isak: The Healing**

Sana drives Isak and Even to their flat. Isak holds Even close as they sit in the back seat. Even is pale and silent, but seems somewhat content, right now. Isak is relieved, and glad they can go home, but he must admit it’s scary, too. He doesn't know what the hell to do, does he?

Even’s mom has told him that he can't do much more than be there for Even. That he probably isn't  acutely suicidal right now, but depressed and having thoughts about death. Isak doesn't quite see the difference, though. Still, he tries to stay calm, for Even. Even’s mother has also told him to take one day at the time. For some reason, that saying hits Isak hard. It sounds so  _ right _ . He realizes he has spent too much time worrying about the future. To take a day at the time could be useful for him, too.

– Call if you need something, Sana says as she drops them off. – Should I bring you some food? You didn't get much to eat today, Isak?

Isak shakes his head, and lifts the plastic bag in his hand. – Even’s parents gave us some home baked cheese breads and some home made meatballs and fish cakes from their freezer. Fuck, I think I still have leftovers from the party, too. We won’t starve.

Sana nods. She squeezes his hand, and then Even’s.  – I’m so glad to see you two together, she says. There are tears in her eyes, but they are somehow smiling at the same time.

Isak looks from Sana to Even. He breaths out, leans into Even and laughs. – I forgot to introduce you properly. Or did you meet at the party? Wait, how  _ did _ you know where his parents’ house is?

Sana just smiles, with glittering eyes. – Don’t think about that now, Isak. You don’t have to introduce us. Now, get Even inside.

Isak frowns. Is it only his imagination, or has Even a hint of a smile in his face? Isak is confused, but too tired to ask any more questions. 

Sana drives off, and Isak takes Even’s hand. When they go up the stairs to the flat, Isak sort of realizes that he just has met Even’s parents for the first time.  _ That actually happened _ .

– So you are Isak, Even’s mom had said. And she was beautiful and shining, just like Even. – You are Even's kjæreste.

Isak smiles, thinking about it. Boyfriend. Just a few hours ago, he had been sure they were over. Well everything isn't set in stone, but they aren't over yet. Isak knows he has found a new strength. He's not giving up on Even anytime soon.

Even moves slowly, but follows him inside of the flat. When they shut the door behind them, he stops. Like he has forgotten how to move. He looks around. 

Isak doesn't know what to do. He helps Even to take off his jacket and lets his hand skim slowly over Even’s arm. – Do you wanna watch a movie or something? Or have a snack?

Even shakes his head. He looks drained. – I’m tired. I need to go to bed.

Isak nods. – I get that. Just getting here must have been like a marathon. You can sleep a little.

Even looks at him with a guarded look in his face. – Can I... sleep in your room? he asks, and hesitates for a moment. – Sometimes I need to be alone, but sometimes I just need someone… close.

Isak swallows. Even hasn't slept in his bed before. He would like that.

– Of course you can, he says.

He goes to his room and tries to tidy up the worst clutter there. Even follows him and pulls off his hoodie and trousers. He climbs into the bed, and he looks so skinny, pale and sad that it hurts to watch him.

Isak sits down with him for a moment. Strokes his hair. – I’ll put away the food, and then I’ll join you, he says.

Even grabs his arm. – Wait.

Isak leans closer. – What is it, babe? 

– Kiss me?

Isak laughs silently. – I can do that. 

He lies down for a moment, facing Even. Then he lets his fingers stroke over Even’s eyebrows and cheeks.  Oh, he has missed this so much. He lets his hands frame Even’s face, going in to kiss him. Even separates his lips, and Isak slides his tongue along Even’s bottom lip. Even’s lips and tongue makes Isak tingle all over. The kisses are soft, chaste and hot at the same time, and Isak won’t let go. 

– It’s so good to have you here, he mutters, kissing Even one more time. –  I really should put this food away, though.

Even looks at him for a moment, but then he shuts his eyes, like he’s too tired to answer. – Okay.

Isak untangles from Even, goes to the kitchen and puts away the bread, fish cakes and meatballs. He stops for a moment, when he notices that hands shake. His breath is shallow and hitched and his whole body shivers. It’s like his body is finally catching up with the drama he’s been through these last hours. He shuts his eyes, and takes a deep breath. He almost lost Even.  _ Fuck _ . Well, he can't panic now. He’s gotta be there for Even. He takes another deep breath. Leans on the kitchen counter until his hands stop shaking. His breath finally slows down, and he goes back to his room. Even needs him.

When he is back in his room, Even has fallen asleep. Isak feels soft and mushy inside, watching how Even’s hair is messy, his face relaxed and how he’s curled up on his side. He looks so vulnerable that it almost hurts to watch him. He has packed himself into Isak’s duvet and looks like a sleeping burrito. Isak smiles. He goes to Even’s room, picks up his duvet, and brings it to his own room. Isak pulls off his trousers and gets into bed in his boxers and t-shirt. Packs himself into Even’s duvet, moves closer to Even and breaths in the smell of him. He falls asleep almost immediately.

The next days are slow. Even says that he should leave again and that he doesn't want Isak to be hurt, and Isak tells him to shut up and take one day at a time. So they do. 

Even sleeps a lot, but Isak manages to get him to take a shower and get up and eat something every day. They go out for a kebab one day, and gets visits from Sana and Jonas. Eskild and Linn drop by one evening, and they watch a sappy romcom together. Even Sonja calls, and says she’s sorry.  _ This isn't your fault _ , she says, and  _ the only thing you can do is be there _ . Isak is there.

By the end of the week, Even stays up most of the day. Isak is glad, because it’s good to see Even better. However, he also has more selfish reasons. On Monday he has his first day at his new job, and he knows he can't be there for Even all the time. He's not going to have classes until after christmas, but he has a lot of preparing to do. So it’s good to know that Even is better. And the most embarrassing and selfish reason is that he… misses Even. Misses to be able to touch him again, and to be touched. That is, more than soft cuddles and chaste kisses. 

He can't help it. Lying close to Even night after night starts to do something to him, especially when Even begins to be more  _ there _ . Sometimes he smiles, or laughs, and it feels just like before. And Isak just wants what they had. Every time Even kisses him, Isak gets horny, and every time they spoon, or snuggle together on the sofa, too. It`s frustrating. 

However, Isak has promised himself that he won't push Even into anything. Even is still depressed, and he needs his feeling of control. Isak’s not going to push Even to answer all his questions about his background and disorder, and he’s not going to push Even into intimacy. 

There’s also a part of him that’s a little scared, or at least careful. The last time they fucked, everything went to hell. In fact, both times they fucked, it ended badly. The next time they go to bed, he wants to be prepared. No surprises.

So, Isak tells himself to take it slow and not to push Even. He googles the questions he can, buries his curiosity and horniness, and takes long showers. It works. More or less. 

One evening Even snuggles close to him in the sofa, and asks: – So, you must have some questions.

Isak is enjoying the feeling of Even’s body against his, and is a little slow to respond. – Huh?

– About my bipolar disorder?

Isak thinks for a moment, as he lets his fingers tangle into Even’s hair. – Maybe. I don't want to ask about things you don't want to answer, though.

– Well, smiles Even, – you shouldn't be afraid to ask me stuff, Isak. I told you that.

Isak is relieved. He should have remembered that. – Yeah. Okay... So, how often do you have episodes, then? 

Even looks at him with serene eyes. – Not so often anymore. It’s over a year, since last time.

Isak hesitates. He has a question that he doesn't know how to ask. It`s a big one. – So… You wanted to die. Right? Why?

– Yes I did, Even swallows,  – I don't know, it’s so hard to explain, Isak. The depression and anxiety is… painful, and I feel worthless, like everyone’s better off without me, and just want it to stop. 

Isak holds his breath. – Okay.

The answer makes Isak ache. He doesn't want Even to ever feel like that. Isak could do anything to take away Even’s pain.

Even looks into his eyes. – The depression makes me forget that I can hurt the ones I love. Everything`s too painful, and I think everyone’s better off without me.

Isak nods. He can somehow understand that. Some desperate sleepless nights he can forget everything about the ones he loves. And he know about negative thoughts like that. 

– But you know that it's not true now, right? You know that we all need you? That I need you? 

– I suppose. On good days I know, but I still have days when I doubt it. Therapy helps, though.

– Good. 

Isak pauses. A part of him wants to ask if Even has tried to kill himself before, but he doesn't know if he wants to hear about it. Not just now.

– Do you struggle with other things? he asks.

Even sighs. – Yeah. I can become irritable sometimes. And I have an anxiety. Uh… a death anxiety. He looks almost ashamed. – It’s kind of ironic when you know I can be suicidal, too, I know. But I can obsess about things like that sometimes. 

– But uh… You followed me in to watch a  _ funeral _ ?

– Yeah, I’m weird, Even shrugs. He looks into Isak’s eyes and smiles. – And I must have liked you very much.

Isak smiles a little. Then he remembers what happened at the church, and he smirks. –  In the end I was the one who ended up with a panic attack, so… 

Even looks at him. – Yeah… What was that about?

Isak shrugs. – I had sort of an existential crisis, I think, and a really powerful déjà vu moment. I haven't had attacks like that since then. 

Even doesn`t have to know about his little breathing exercise after they came home. That can wait. 

– Well, I had a small one that night Sonja and you came into my room, he admits.

– Oh. Sorry.

– Don’t be. It feels like… I can handle it now.

Isak leans his head against Even`s shoulder and thinks for a moment. – So, I have another question. Is it true that a crush can make you manic?

– Sort of. Anything excessive can influence it. 

– So when we… had sex, it might have been like the last drop to tip you over?

Even smiles. –  Oh, I think I would have become manic no matter what. It had been some stressful weeks before that, and I had slept badly. I tried to tell myself that I had control, but I really didn`t. 

Even looks at him. – Please don't feel guilty for what happened at Plaza, Isak. To me that was something… beautiful. 

– To me, too.

Isak’s voice is hoarse. – So uhm, when do you know when you’re crushing on someone and not… like hypomanic, or having a fix idea or something?

Even raises his eyebrows and smiles. – Are you asking me when I crushed on you, Isak? Are you fishing?

Isak blushes. – Uh... Yeah, maybe?

Even has a fond expression in his face. – I have been interested in you since back in 2016, Isak. 

– What? When we met at that concert?

Even shakes his head. – No, before that…

Isak`s heart beats faster. – You saw me before the church concert? 

Even smiles a little. – I saw you at a party in october. I think a girl named Emma hosted it. You were pissed that you didn't fix beer for the party. And you were outside, smoking pot with your friends. I just… noticed you.

– Oh.

Isak is awed. He remembers that party, or at least parts of it. But he doesn't remember Even. How is that possible?

Even has a distant look in his eyes. – I think I first noticed you because of your laughter, your golden locks, and your eyes. But then… It was something else. Something with your cocky smile mixed with your sad eyes. Your confident demeanor mixed with your clumsiness. Your bad jokes mixed with your intelligent comments. It made me curious. 

Isak wants to laugh away the clumsiness and the sadness, but the whole thing is too overwhelming.

– We didn't talk, right? I would have remembered you.

Even shakes his head. – We didn't. I didn't dare to come over. I just loved watching you, and stayed away. I regretted that later, and looked for you everywhere. When I saw you at the church concert I had to sit next to you. 

– But eh... you had a girlfriend. 

– Uhm yes. I was a little impulsive, I suppose. And Sonja and I struggled at the time. We broke up that night, actually.

– No?

– Yeah, we did. 

Isak is in awe. He can't believe it. – Wow, he says, and moves even closer to Even. Thank you for telling me all this, baby. It's… unbelievable.

– Yeah, well.

Even looks thoughtful. – Actually, I should show you something. Come.

Even pulls him up from the sofa, and they go into Even’s room. Even opens his closet and picks out one of his notebooks. – Look here.

Isak hesitates for a moment, and flips open the book. There he sees drawing after drawing of a boy, with fluffy, curly hair. Some pictures are like the cartoon-like drawings Even has been giving him, and some are detailed sketches. Isak realizes, they're all pictures of him. He gapes. – Is this for real? he whispers. 

Even meets his gaze, and he seems nervous. – Look at the first page.

Isak does, and the breath hitches in his throat. On the first page there’s a detailed sketch of Mahdi, Magnus, Jonas and Isak, sitting and smoking. Laughing. There are also several sketches of Isak’s face and features. 

Isak feels dizzy. – You drew us that night? 

– I did. I tried to capture what I saw in you. I never quite managed to do it, but I had to try.

Even flips through the book and opens it up. There’s several pictures of Isak’s profile. And his hands. There are also drawings of crosses, flowers and all kinds of symbols.

– From the church, Isak states, more than he asks.

– Yes.

Even looks at him. – I didn't joke when I said I had an obsession, Isak. But it wasn't only about the church. It was about you. I looked for you for a long time, but I never saw you again. Before now.

Isak is dazed. He doesn't know what to say. 

Even looks guarded, and nervous. – You okay? I understand it if you freak out a little. This is a bit… much.

Isak only shakes his head in awe. It’s almost impossible to wrap his mind around this. Even had seen him, a long time ago. 

Even shifts on his feet. – And it wasn't only hypomania, or a fixation. You know that, right? It maybe started like that, I don't know, but when we met for real, it was something more.

– Yeah. 

Isak stares at Even. His heart beats hard. He wants to kiss Even so badly. He holds the book to his chest. – This is the most beautiful thing I have ever seen, he starts. – You saw me.

– Of course I did, Even says, and his face is glowing with fondness and love.

Isak swallows hard; this is important that Even understands. – No, but you truly saw me; you saw who I am. You say you didn't capture me with your drawings, but you did, Even. I don’t think anyone ever has seen me like that.

He lets his hand stroke a string of hair away from Even’s eyes. – I can never give you anything like this. But I did notice you at that concert, and I looked for you afterwards, too. 

Even looks closely at him. – Really?

– Yeah. It felt like you were someone special.

When Even smiles, it’s like he shines. Isak can't hold back any longer. Without thinking, he leans forward, and kisses Even. He sighs into the kiss. Even’s lips are so soft under his, and his hands reach up to Isak’s neck. Isak shivers by the touch. He still holds Even’s book, but he lets his left hand tug on Even’s t-shirt. He sighs, and allows himself to feel the need for a moment. Even is so warm and close and Isak wants him so much that it hurts.

Isak tries to tell himself not to expect anything, and not to push. Take it easy. Even is better now, but that doesn't mean that he’s ready for more. They can still kiss, though. 

Their kiss is deep and slow. Even strokes his cheek with his thumb and kisses him even deeper. Even moves over Isak’s mouth with sureness and deliberation, not rushing. Isak is able to pull Even closer to him as he moves a hand around his waist and tugs him closer. Even’s fingers stray into Isak’s hair and Isak wants nothing more than to breathe him in and capture this moment. It feels so good Isak can hardly believe it.

Isak pulls back for a moment to breathe and presses his forehead to Even’s. He feels almost drunk with lust. He meets Even’s gaze. The look on his face is so soft, and so hot at the same time, that it hurts to breathe. 

Oh dear. Isak shivers. A shower won't help much now. It’s like the talk with Even has opened up a part of him, with all his feelings, want and need, and now he can't close it again.

Even strokes Isak’s nose with his and looks at him with a curious gaze. It ‘s almost like he’s waiting for Isak to give some sort of signal.

– You okay? Isak mumbles, staring at Even’s lips.

– Yeah, Even breathes. He pauses for a moment. – Can I say something?

Isak leans his forehead at Even’s. – Yeah?

Even bites his lip. – I have noticed that you have been sort of… careful around me lately, and I get that. 

Isak feels a little embarrassed that Even has noticed. He leans back. – Yeah?

– Yeah. Last time we were... close, at the hotel, things got messy. 

Even blushes. – So if you need time before we do anything more than hugging and kissing, that's fine by me.

Isak is confused. It’s like Even thinks he’s holding back for Isak, and not the other way around? 

– Uhm, I don’t need time, Isak mutters. His heart beats faster when he admits it.

Now Even looks confused. – No?

– No, Isak continues, – I just didn't want to push you into anything before you were ready. Like, I know the depression sort of makes everything less… interesting.

Even laughs out loud, and Isak’s heart jumps by the sight and sound of it. – You don’t wanna push me? So we’ve been stepping around each other for no reason at all? 

Isak has to laugh as well. – It seems like it. 

God, Even looks good when he smiles like this. Isak lets his thumb brush over Even’s lower lip. Even’s laughing eyes suddenly turn darker.

Oh god, Isak needs Even close, like  _ now _ . With shivering hands, he puts away Even's book. Then he pulls Even closer again, and breaths in the scent of him. 

– Well, let’s stop being so fucking careful all the time. 

– I agree, Even says and smoothes Isak’s hair from his face. Kisses him slowly.

Isak is reminded by his straining erection that they might need a bed. They have been sleeping in Isak`s room lately, and for some reason Isak wants Even there. With this in his mind he breaks the kiss, but barely separates their mouths. – I want you in my bed, Even. Come with me? he whispers to Even’s lips.

Even’s forehead touches Isak’s and he only whispers: – Yes.

They go into Isak’s room. Once on the bed, their actions becomes a lot less tentative. They rip each others` clothes off and their hands touch, roam and trace the lines of each other's bodies. 

Even pulls Isak up so he’s sitting on the bed, and straddles his lap. This is finally happening. Isak`s heart races as Even covers his body.  Even brings his lips to Isak's neck, a large hand cupping the back of his head. Even's lips brush along Isak's skin, gently nipping, with a hint of tongue.

Isak's head falls back, exposing more of his skin to Even,   – Even, h e breathes, locking his fingers behind Even's neck.

Even licks a slow line up Isak's jaw, laying a kiss on his temple, before running his hands down Isak's chest. Isak moans and pulls Even closer, wanting to feel Even`s chest pressed against him. 

– Hold me, Even says. 

Isak does. He holds Even close. He feels like he has waited forever. He doesn't need to wait anymore.

Even leans down and bring their lips together in a deep kiss. Isak whimpers, bringing his hands around Even's neck, molding their chests together, as they finally let out all of their pent up passion. Even eats away at Isak's mouth, while he lowers them both to the bed. Isak moans as Even lays him out on the bed, those large hands running over his sides, and down to his hips. Even`s thighs straddles Isak's legs, bringing their erections together, rubbing and grinding into a rolling dance.

– Even ...oh...please, Isak begs, feeling Even's cock on him.

Even continues kissing him, letting his mouth eventually slide down, peppering Isak's neck and chest with tiny kisses, and tweaking his nipples between his fingers. Isak is already close, one touch to his dick and he could explode. 

Even looks at Isak from under his lashes, and finally reaching Isak`s cock. Even lays a kiss on Isak`s waist before taking Isak`s cock in his hand. 

Isak sucks in a breath, and tries to reach for Even, wanting more contact with his body, but the man over him shakes his head with a smile.  – This is for you. I wanna make you smile again. 

With those words Even bends down and takes Isak`s cock into his mouth.

–  Oh fuck...

Isak arches off the bed, his hand snaking through Even's messy locks. Even buries his nose against Isak's smooth skin, the entire length down his throat. Even pulls up, letting a few inches slide out of his mouth, sucking hard, letting all but the head escape his wet heat.

Isak lets go of Even, propping himself up to watch his cock disappear into his lover's mouth again. Even can take him all, and watching it is amazing. 

Even bobs up and down, gliding his tongue under Isak's shaft, cupping his balls with warm calloused fingers. Isak falls back in the bed, no longer able to support his upper body, and moans, gripping Even's hair in a vice.

–  Close Even… ah God, close… Isak gasps and Even slides off him, and reaches up and kisses him softly.

–  I'm so hard if I watch you cum, I'll lose it. Even breaths against his mouth.

Isak nods, understanding completely,  –  I… eh… I'm not going to last long, but I wanna fuck you. Can I do that?

Even nods, kisses him, and groans as Isak thrusts against him.  – Please, yes, he begs.

– Okay, hold on, baby. 

Isak untangles himself from Even and finds his condoms and lube in the drawer by the bed.  

Even pants, and looks at Isak as he rips the condom packet open with his teeth. Isak rolls the condom on, before crawling back to Even, breathing loudly just like him. 

Even licks his neck and pulls at his hair.

–  You keep doing that and this will be over before we even start, Isak chuckles into his neck, his knees spreading Even's thighs wider.  –  Lift up for me baby, Isak purrs, slipping his hands under Even`s knees.

Even obliges pulling his knees to his chest. Isak scoots back, parting Even's cheeks with both hands,  –  Fuck, you're so smooth, and sexy... Isak can't look away. He lets a finger slip into Even's mouth, wetting it to prepare him.

Even closes his eyes, writhing as that wet finger slowly encircled his tight hole. Isak grins, covering Even's body to steal another kiss as he slips the tip of his finger inside.

Isak wants Even to feel good, just as good as Even makes him feel. 

–  I...uh...uh, Even seems to struggle to find his words, as Isak thrusts the lone finger in and out of him, attacking his mouth at the same time. Another finger is added and Even moans into Isak's mouth, grinding his dick against Isak. After the third finger, Even is out of his mind,  –  In me… oh God, please...

Isak's fingers pulls out, his tongue licking the surface of Even's lips,  –  You want this, baby? Isak rubs his shaft against Even, gripping both their cocks together, sliding them in and out of his fingers.

–  Yes, oh fuck… Even arches, moaning in need.

Isak's palm moves flat under Even's cock, running down over his balls, to the crack of his ass.

–  Please! Even writhes. He stares at Isak with sincere, wanting eyes, and runs his hands over his chest, as Isak applies the lube to his entrance, rubbing the excess on his own cock.

–  You are so beautiful, Isak whispers, lining his cock up with Even's entrance. 

Even's mouth parts, his head tilts back, when Isak covers his body, holding his knees against his chest. Isak slowly pushes into him until the head pops inside. Isak feels amazing, feeling Even surrounding him.

–  More, Even gasps, looking Isak in the eyes, attempting to push back against the cock barely penetrating him.

Isak shivers from Even`s movements. He has waited so long for this. He needs Even in a way that is indescribable. He pushes in, a few more inches, watching Even for any signs of pain. Even just looks disheveled.  _ Those eyes _ … Isak shakes, trying to hold back. It is too slow, agonizingly so, and Isak can’t wait anymore. He is going to come soon with this kind of slow torture. 

##  **Even: The Multiverse**

Even wants. He wants  _ more, closer, harder _ . He has been wanting Isak for so long, and now Isak is right there, pushing into him, but Even needs more.

–  Fuck me, he grunts, reaching down and pulling Isak's hips closer. The result is satisfying, his entrance filled with his lover's dick. He twists in Isak's strong embrace.

–  Come here, Isak grits out, lifting Even under the shoulders, so that he is straddling Isak's lap on his knees, the man's length still inside of him. His own shaft is now snuggly sandwiched between their bodies, creating a luscious friction as Isak pulls Even's hips up, then down. The new position hits the spot, making Even moan in pleasure. They start a rhythm between them, their mouths magnetized in a slow and sloppy kiss. Even locks his arms around Isak’s neck, seeking the tongue that was his own’s twin, and lifting his ass, feeling Isak`s cock slide against his inner walls.

Even moves faster, almost dances on top of Isak`s cock; wild with passion. Pressing his forehead against Isak`s, his eyes glued to Isak`s. He knows he is in love, not lust. Isak is it for him, and this is more than sex. He can see his feelings mirrored in Isak`s face, and it's almost unbearable. He feels tears come to his eyes.

– Even… Isak groans. He  pushes Even onto his back, earning a loud moan from him. Then Isak grabs Even's hips, slamming into him, and  _ damn, it feels good _ . It`s like Isak fucks him with all the strength he has. At some point in his frenzied rhythm, he grabs Even under the shoulders, slamming his body against Even`s, creating the most delicious slapping sound, and pushing Even close to coming.

Even starts shaking, tightening those muscles around Isak's cock,  –  Jesus! he moans out.

For some reason, Isak slows his rhythm, sliding back and forth over the spot that makes Even gasp for air, then pushing in as deep as he can go. He tightens his grip on Even with one hand, using his other to grasp the glistening cock that twitches between them.

–  Isak! Even bucks and groans, feeling the orgasm soar through his body. Isak is still moving inside him, while at the same time, milking the cum that shoots from Even`s cock. Even shuts his eyes and breaths heavily, his body is spent and shaking. Still feeling Isak inside. Isak's release comes seconds later, filling the condom that is still inside of Even.

Even opens up his eyes. Isak braces his hands on either side of his head. He drops his forehead to meet Even's, like he`s pausing to take some deep breath and regain his senses. Isak drops his lips to Even's, gently tracing the outline of them with his tongue before giving Even a soft kiss. Even can hardly move, but he still smiles. 

–  You okay? Isak nuzzles Even's neck, nibbling along smooth skin.

Even clears his throat and snorts,  –  You could say that. You?

Isak laughs. – Yeah… 

His voice is husky.  – Just… Don't leave, yeah?

– I’ll stay right here.

Even pulls Isak`s head to him for another kiss. He feels fully satisfied. Drained, but in a good way.  –  I am tired now, he says, stroking Isak`s hair.  – And I wanna sleep. Tomorrow we're both staying right here, yes? No one disappearing. No secrets popping up. No surprises. 

Isak smiles. – Agreed. 

He pulls off Even and tosses away the condom, and starts cleaning up the mess they've made. Even laughs a little as Isak wipes him clean, feeling a little silly. Then he slides off Even and lies down facing him. 

Even scoots closer, and looks him sincerely in his eyes. – I mean it, Isak, you can relax.

He studies Isak`s face and lets his hand play with Isak`s curls at his temple. Even loves how Isak`s locks curl up when it`s damp or he`s sweating. 

Isak nods, meeting his gaze with serene green eyes. – I know. And you can, too. And, to be honest, I think I can take almost anything right now. 

He smiles. And his smile lights up the room, Even`s heart, everything.

They snuggle into each other, let their noses nuzzle each other, kiss and mutter sweet words to each other, and finally fall to sleep. Even dreams about going to school, suddenly realizing that he is naked. And everyone can see him. Isak, too. He doesn't quite know why it makes him feel calm, but it does. 

The next morning, Even wakes up with a lazy boner. It doesn't help that Isak’s body is clinging to his back, long arms and legs everywhere. His warm breath puffs into Even’s neck. It’s not long before Even has a raging boner between his legs. 

When Isak pulls him even closer, Even needs to release a quiet moan. 

– You're still here, mutters Isak into his neck. – God, I want you. 

Even smiles. Isak took so good care of him last night. Now Even wants to take care of him. Even turns around, pushing Isak over. Isak looks up at him with dark, dilated eyes.

– Yeah, I’m here, Even breathes. He kisses Isak and strokes his sides and hips. Isak lifts his legs up in a lazy, knowing movement and Even bends over and finds the lube. With slick fingers, he reaches for Isak’s rim. 

He massages Isak’s hole in slow, circular motions. Isak moans. Even leans forward, pressing his entire body against Isak, and whispers into his ear. – I kind of wanna stay here with you forever. 

Isak groans and presses himself up against Even. – You can do that.

Even smiles, and works his fingers into Isak’s hole. He wants in there so bad, but he forces himself to take his time. He slowly opens Isak, twisting and stroking him till Isak is trying to push off the bed to get more in him. Finally, when Even knows Isak’d  have no problem taking him, he puts on a condom and leans forward. In one, slow, delicious plunge, he slides into Isak, to the root.

Even wonders if anyone has ever prepared Isak enough to be able to take it in one stroke; like Even just did. He pushes away that thought and loses himself in the movements with Isak.

Their hands are clasped together as Even rocks into Isak from above, a slow gentle thrusting as they look into each other's eyes.  Even works Isak slowly, taking long deep strokes. Sometimes he pulls out completely, knowing that Isak loves the sensation of breaching. It’s probably something about letting someone in, or losing control or something. Isak groans every time he does it.

Even tries to control his breathing and his slow movements, the need to pick up the pace and lose control raging inside of him, but he doesn't want this to end so quickly. Even is lost in Isak's body, sliding in and out of his boyfriend, stroking deliberately over his prostate, bringing him to closer to the edge.

Isak moans, and Even can see sweat bead in his hairline. He pulls Even closer. The angle of the cock inside of Isak changes, jabbing against his prostate, making him groan louder.

– Even… 

He lets go of Even`s hands, grasping for his shoulders, as Even starts to lose control.

Even is consumed by Isak, he can't get enough  of him, and his mind is trying to find a way to get closer, deeper, crawl under his boy's skin to feel more of him. His lips scorch over every possible inch of skin he can reach, licking and kissing, tasting his lover completely. Even is close and he knows Isak is too.

He wants to say  _ I love you _ , but he holds it back, doesn`t want to mess it up by saying words that are too big.  – You`re so good, he murmurs instead, before he comes, releasing himself deep within Isak. He pulls back to watch Isak fall off the edge, the man's face bunched in extreme pleasure, then released into pure bliss and awe as his cock drains between them. He is angelic, his dark green eyes glazed with satisfaction and love. This is love, isn't it? Whether they say the words or not, it`s love. 

A need to cry out of joy, makes Even bury his face in Isak's chest, tears slicking his cheeks. Fingers combs through his hair, comforting him.

– You okay baby? Isak murmurs, in a thick voice. 

– Yeah, Even laughs. – Just… emotional. 

Isak looks at him with something raw in his eyes. – I know the feeling. 

They smile at each other.  – Fuck, we're lucky, Isak whispers.

– Yes, we are, Even nods. 

They clean up, and lie for a moment, staring at the ceiling. Even thinks for a moment, about how lucky he is. Wondering if Isak and Even in that other world are just as lucky. 

– You know, those strange déjà vu moments we have had?

Isak looks at him. – Yeah?

– Do you still have them?

– Yeah. I felt it yesterday. 

– Me too. 

Isak stares into space. – What do you think it is? Seriously?

Even hesitates. – I have no clue. But I must admit it feels like the… uhm…  universes wants us to be together.

Isak grins. – You`re so cheesy.

– Yeah, but I googled this. 

Even leans up, as Isak watches him with curiosity in his eyes. Even continues:  – And I know that some scientists believe there are parallel universes, and that déjà vu is some sort of moment when the universes overlap, or vibrates on the same level or some shit like that. 

Isak laughs. – You did? You googled this? 

– Yeah.

– You don't even like the thought of it.

Even shrugs. – But what do  _ you _ think, then, Isak? How do you understand this?

Isak sighs, and looks at the ceiling. – Well, I believe that quantum theory allows for multiple versions of our universe to exist and overlap, and maybe even interact with one another on the quantum level. 

Even hides a smile. He loves when Isak sounds so smart and thoughtful. He also likes that he manages to follow his thoughts. – So you say that these feelings we have can be about that?

– Maybe. You know, some worlds in parallel universes would be nearly identical. In others, the Butterfly Effect is responsible for completely different outcomes. Each universe is equally real; it isn’t that one universe is the truth while others are bizarre copies or lesser in any way.

– Huh.

– And you know, Even, you might just be right. Some say that when you experience a déjà vu, you vibrate in sync with another universe. Some say déjà vu can be memories from other parallel universes. 

– Wow.

– Yeah.

– But why do we get these moments just connected to that one universe?

Isak frowns. – I don't know. Sometimes I think we got it because of some coincidences. And sometimes I wonder if we can have wished it somehow. 

Even laughs. – Now, Isak, that doesn't sound scientific at all.

Isak smiles, but his eyes are serious. – No, I know. It doesn't. But, you know. I wished so badly to have met you  _ before _ . And they did, you know?

– Yeah, I know. 

– I wished it from that moment in Sagene church. That was when I first sensed the others, you see.

– Really? Huh, I think I had a sensation then as well. I thought I was just... having a moment.

They stare at each other. 

In just that moment, Sana choses to disturb them, phoning Isak. 

Isak picks up the phone. – Sana! he exclaims and smiles.

Even smiles too (pushing away his nerves about Sana telling Isak everything).

– Yeah? Isak says, looking amused. Then he turns to Even. – Sana says that the girls are planning a  _ juleverksted _ , a christmas preparing party. 

Even nods. Isak`s amused smile is impossible not to mirror.

– Here? What about in your house, that`s much bigger?

Sana`s words are impossible to decipher.

– Well, yeah, I know you don't celebrate Christmas, duh. What about Vilde? No? Okay, fine, we can have it here. Shouldn't we call it a winter party, since not all of us celebrate Christmas? Well, thank you. See ya later, Sanasol. 

Isak laughs. – You okay with us having a winter party? Sana said I could call the party what I want. 

– A winter party?

– Yeah, you know, baking cookies and making Christmas decorations. Winter decorations.

Even doesn't laugh of Isak’s attempt at being politically correct. He feels nervous. In fact, more than nervous. The thought of all the people, Sana, Yousef and maybe even Elias and the boys, makes him scared. – When?

– Oh, not yet. In a couple of weeks, in the beginning of december.

Even hesitates, and hopes that Isak won't be too disappointed if he doesn`t make it. – Okay. Well, if my parents doesn`t need me, I'm up for it. 

Isak smiles, and strokes his hair. – Yeah. We take one day at the time, right?

Even breaths out and smiles. Of course Isak would understand. 

He lets his finger trail Isak`s nose and lips absentmindedly. – Do you think we're going to keep having these strange moments? he asks.

Isak shrugs. – I don't know. I think they will fade as we're more content in our own universe.

Even thinks about it. – I think so, too, he says. – And you know, I somehow think it will help if we choose this universe. And I do. I would much rather live in this universe, like it is, with you, than live in any other world.

Isak looks at him with wide eyes. – I feel that way too, he says and swallows. – I choose this world over any other world, Even. 

Isak pulls him close and holds him, and Even sighs. This feels like something big, like a a proposal. And Even supposes it sort of is. It makes him feel like something has changed. He wants this, with Isak, and Isak wants him. 

Even buries his face in Isak’s neck. He still wants to keep his past a secret, though, because he won't hurt Isak. And Isak  _ will _ get hurt if he knows, and then he will leave him. Even swallows hard, an pushes the thought away. He’ll just have to carry his past alone. That way, he can keep Isak.

However, another part of him doesn't want to have any secrets at all. Not forever, anyway. He wants Isak to know him. All of him.

Even misses his old friends, as well, and he wants to make peace with his old life. He doesn't know how to get there, though. He breathes in the scent of Isak. In Isak’s arms, a small part of him starts to believe it can be possible. Not now. But maybe some day.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know some parts of this chapter was heavy.  
> I hope the good parts outweighs the bad.  
> ❤️  
> In the next, final chapter we'll see if Isak and Even will have a real talk. Amongst other things. lol


	6. Don`t misunderstand me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After all the heartache and pain, our grown up Even and Isak are finally boyfriends now! Yay! Or Kosegruppa Yay, as some would say... They are together, and they`re so in love, and all over each other, and they hope that their weird deja vu experiences will fade out. We`ll see about that. 
> 
> Even is starting to realize that he should tell Isak more about his secrets, like why he knows Sana. Maybe. Sometime. Isak is so distracted by Even that he needs a little help with his job. Sana is having a bit of a rough time, and she needs her good friends. We might find out why she`s so intuitive. There`s a family dinner and a party or two. Apart from that, Christmas, Isak`s favourite holiday, is coming up.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry that I'm so late. This chapter has been a small nightmare. Mostly because I have been busy with life in general, but also because I had a shitty idea. I wanted to write a part in Sana's POV, because I was so curious about exploring her part of the story. Well, it didn't work, and THANK YOU to my beta reader, for suggesting to take that part out. Sana can get her own fic (maybe a one shot in this same universe, would that be interesting?). 
> 
> I also struggled with this chapter becase the five first chapters mirrored season 3 of Skam, while this chapter couldn`t mirror season 4 in the same way. Because, most of the things in season 4 has already happened in this universe. Sana did fall in love with Yousef, got tricked by Sara and invited everybody to an Eid party. The only difference is that Isak and Even wasn`t a thing. Still, I hope I found a solution that works. 
> 
> I suppose this chapter also has been a little tricky because it's a last chapter. It`s sad to say goodbye to my Isak and Even, I have sort of fallen in love with them both. 
> 
> I suppose there aren't that much to warn for in this chapter. There is some smut, and as I prefer, consenting sex between adults. If you shouldn't read that, I guess this is not a fic for you. 
> 
> ANYWAY. Thank you all so much for reading my fic and commenting! You are all so kind, I'm speechless. Please comment! Tell me if you have thoughts about how it could be better, I`m in this to learn, you know! 
> 
> I would be so glad if you find me on Tumblr and talk to me about Skam or anything else (my anon thing is always on). I'm @crazyheartfics (former @hjertetssunnegalskap).

_Isak and Even almost met once more, after they met at Sagene Church. That was the week Isak turned 18 (he had celebrated the birthday with a huge party where he managed to get drunk and not talk much to anyone). However, Sana had invited all her friends to an Eid party that weekend. She had also invited her brother and his buddies, and Even. Unfortunately, Even had decided to travel to Morocco after graduating, and he couldn't come._

_Isak enjoyed the Eid party more than he thought he would, and it was nice to see his friends, even if he felt a little awkward with them. Still, the good and friendly vibe didn’t dull the awful feeling that he had lost something important._

_Isak and Even didn’t have any more almost meetings after that. Even went to study abroad, and Isak finished high school, before he went to Trondheim, to study. Sometimes he dreamt of a tall, slender kid with swoopy hair, but he always woke up to nothing. Until he finally came home._

 

##  **Isak: The Photo**

Isak wakes up on the 6th of December feeling an old, familiar feeling. The Christmas spirit. Isak snuggles into Even’s warm body next to him, and enjoys the warm, tingling anticipation in his belly. It’s a feeling of Even, but also of dark nights and sparkling lights, warm hugs, sweet kisses, good food, smiles and gifts. Isak sighs, and smiles. Even if he has experienced some weird, sad and messed up Christmases, he still gets this feeling. Every year.

Isak's smile keeps lingering on his face. He guesses he can mostly thank his father for this. His dad always managed to make some sort of Christmas, even if his mom was sick. And Lea always helped, too. They always had Christmas dinner on Christmas Eve. Always sang Christmas songs and walked around the tree. Always got a visit from Santa Claus, and opened the presents together. Even after his dad left.

Isak watches Even sleep, and the sight of his messy hair, dark eyelashes and peaceful face, gives Isak a clenching feeling in his chest. He loves Even so much. He can’t believe that this gorgeous man has chosen _him_. How can that be possible? But it is. In fact, they are boyfriends, living together. Not roommates. They are both sleeping in Even’s old room now, while Isak’s old room has turned into an office/ hobby room/ clutter room. Isak gets to wake up with Even every morning. He can`t believe his luck.

They are together, and they're taking one day at the time. Eva had asked Isak once, if Even was the man of his dreams, and he had to admit that he didn't know. Because the events that winter had taught him to focus on the here, and the now.

Living in the now has proven to be difficult, but it has done wonders for Isak’s sleeping pattern. Also, he worries a lot less, and hasn't had a panic attack in ages.

Isak smiles to himself. Today it’s Nilsmesse, too. Isak knows kids gets sweets and presents in their shoes in some countries. He knows this, because his mom adopted this tradition when Isak was little. He always got sweets and maybe a toothbrush in his red Christmas boot. And when his mom got too sick, his dad continued the tradition.

Isak follows Even’s eyebrow with his finger. He’s anything but religious, but he has inherited his mother's love of traditions. He doesn't mind that they mostly are Christian; most of the traditions are originally heathen, anyway.Christmas is originally heathen. Halloween, too. Even easter. A mix of all sorts of cultures. He loves that. Traditions are mostly about doing things together.

That’s why Isak doesn't frown upon Valentines, or Halloween, even if both of those traditions seem to be more about selling stuff than anything else (as Jonas has said repeatedly). Hell, he even thinks Thanksgiving sounds nice, except it sort of celebrates genocide of the Native Americans. Giving thanks isn't such a bad idea, though. He has a lot to say thanks for.

Mostly, he’s thankful for Even. This amazing guy has turned his life upside-down. Isak feels like he’s finally living, for the first time in years. The only downside is the fact that he’s so lost in Even that he struggles to focus on his new job. He does his best, but he doesn't get much work done at home, when he’s busy hooking up with Even.

Isak yawns. Another thing he’s thankful for, is the fact that Even is enthusiastic about Christmas, too. In fact, he’s like a kid about it. He has even made Isak a Christmas activity calendar.

But now his enthusiastic boyfriend needs to wake up. Isak leans over so he’s lying on top of Even. Even groans and mutters: – Heavy.

– It’s just me, baby.

Even’s eyes flutter, and he opens them. Those blue eyes. Isak smiles, to hide that he’s flustered.

– I can feel that. You’re on top of me.

– Yeah I like that sometimes, Isak laughs. – And sometimes I want you on top.

Something glitters in Even’s eyes. – You do, don’t you? You like both. Me too.

They giggle, and kiss. Even is so sleepy and cuddly, and the kiss is so soft, and sweet, that Isak almost forgets his plan. He was about to wake Even up.

Isak sits up. – You know what day it is? he asks.

– Nah, Even yawns. – Friday?

Isak grins, and feels excited. – Yeah, but it’s also the 6th of December. Nilsmesse. You know, St Nicholas might have left you something…

Even’s eyebrows shoot up. – Julenissen?

– Yeah. Santa. Jultomten. Sinterklaas. St. Nicholas. The dude has many names.

Even laughs. – I just believe in _fjøsnissen_. That little goblin that helps or messes with the cattle and eat up our porridge.

Isak laughs, too. – You’re weird. Besides, we don’t have a barn, so we can't have a barn goblin. But most important of all, he doesn't leave gifts or sweets in your shoes!

– Sweets, eh?

Even suddenly looks interested. – In my shoe? I thought the sweets in a stocking was the thing.

Isak rolls his eyes and sighs. – Well, that’s not before christmas day. You know that.

Even smiles, gets up from bed, and starts looking around in the flat, with Isak in his heels. Finally, he finds the red boot by the door, full of candy.

– Wow, this is great!

Even smiles like a kid and kisses Isak. – You just love to adopt all sorts of traditions, don't you?

He pretends to sigh. – Something tells me we’re going to be busy all through December.

– You love it, Isak laughs, – just admit it.

Even smiles a gently smile. – Yeah, I really do.

– Do you wish to do something special this month?

– Nah, I just wanna enjoy the lights and smiles, Even says. – People. Cookies. Watch a good movie or twenty.

– Something more cheerful than Moulin Rouge, I hope.

– Well, we finally managed to finish that last Friday. Not bad, eh?

Isak smiles. They did, and Isak ended up spilling tears again. That story broke his heart. Luckily, Even comforted him. And they kissed. It was worth the tears.

– We have other plans, too, you know, Isak reminds Even. – Dinner with my parents and Lea on Sunday.

Even grins. – That's going to be... scary.

Isak looks at Even, who looks more excited than scared. – Mostly embarrassing, I think, Isak says. – And I survived dinner with your parents. You'll be fine!

Even just nods, and smiles. – And then there’s the winter party. When is it?

– On Lucia. It’s next Friday.

– Right, Even says. He looks thoughtful for a moment. Almost afraid. – I’m still not sure, you know. I might have other plans.

Isak realizes that Even still is a bit overwhelmed by the thought of the party and all the people. Isak smiles, trying to show Even that it’s okay. Isak knows it’s not the time to push.

– It’s fine, he says, and kisses Even softly. – One day at a time.

Even’s surprised and relieved smile takes Isak’s breath away. _God, that smile_. Isak would do almost anything to make Even shine like that. Being a little patient isn't a big sacrifice at all.

Even’s lips are so soft. Isak wants to stay in Even’s arms, and kiss him forever. But he knows that he can't. – So, he mumbles, against Even`s lips. – Time for breakfast, yeah?

Even groans, and pulls him closer for a second, but finally he lets him go. – Yeah...

Isak grudgingly pulls off Even, and moves to the kitchen, to put the kettle on and make some tea. Even needs his morning tea, and sometimes Isak tries it, as an alternative. He drinks enough coffee at work.

Even puts his candy shoe away, and pulls food out of the fridge. – Sandwiches, he mutters.

– So, It`s Friday, Isak yawns, as he finds plates and cups. – And thank God it`s almost the weekend. I am knackered.

– Really? Even says, as he starts making them the sandwiches. He chuckles. – Knackered already? You don't even have students yet?

– Well, I have forgotten how hard it is to work, Isak jokes. – No, it just takes a lot of energy, starting a new job with new people. You know I'm not a people person.

Even laughs, moves closer and kisses him. – You can be very charming and good with people, Isak. I have seen it. You`re a flustering mess with me, but you can be quite a charmer with others.

Isak rolls his eyes. – Fuck you, but yeah, I'm the master charmer, in fact. It still drains me, though. All the small talk and strained smiles make me so _tired_. And I stress a little with preparing some of the classes, too.

– What stresses you?

Isak pauses. He doesn’t want to tell Even that spending all the time with him has made Isak unfocused at work. Or that he hasn’t done as much work at home as he should, because he is hooking up with Even all the time. One of his biggest struggles is to find a way to promote his subjects, like biology, physics and math, to the kids. He wants to make it interesting. And right now, he has no idea how to do it.

– I… eh… haven't been so focused lately, he says. – And I struggle to find an interesting angle; something that can interest the kids. Luckily, I think Sana can help me.

– Okay. But she’s a med student?

– She still knows her shit.

Even nods, and seems to accept that answer.

They eat their breakfast sitting close at the kitchen table, talking about this and that, and kissing. Isak loves it. Even still gives him butterflies in his stomach when their knees brush each other or Even kisses his neck.

– So, are you going to do Biology and Physics stuff this weekend, then? Even asks.

Isak nods. – Yeah, I think so, at least if Sana can. Maybe she’ll drop by after work.

– I can still be here, yeah? Even pouts.

_Not if I’m going to get anything done._

Isak throws Even a teasing smile. – I can't focus when you're here, Even. You’re too distracting.

Even shoots his eyebrow up, laughing. – Okay, baby. I’ll find something to do. If Sana shows up.

Isak just smiles. – Thanks.

They finish the breakfast while they are kissing and snuggling. Isak feels tired, and ready for the weekend, but he also feels good. Full of anticipation and Christmas spirit. He’s ridiculously happy, really. It’s about Even, and him, and nothing can break that feeling. Not even the dinner with his parents on Sunday.

Isak demands a good long kiss from Even before they go to work, and he is almost too late.

At work, Isak tries to focus on his planning for the next term. His thoughts drift to Even far more than they should, though.

Before he gets to start his day properly, he gets some texts from Sana:

 

SANASOL

Sana: Do you still need help to prepare to that class?

Isak: Hell yeah!

Sana: I can drop by after work. You okay with that? Or are you going to a party?

Isak: No, that's good!

Sana: I'll be there around five.

Isak: Thank you, Sana. I'll serve some tea. Or I could pick up some halal fish burgers if you like?

Sana: Oh, thanks! If you feed me I'll be a much better adviser.

Isak: Thought so. Lol.

 

Isak smiles. Sana's cool. It’s going to be good to spend some time with her, and not just because of the work. He decides to tell Even at once.

 

EVEN <3

Isak: Is it okay if Sana comes by today? I promised her a halal fish burger. And tea, lol. You can eat with us, if you like!

Even: Tea. Sana’s brave. But yeah, maybe. I'll see what plans I'll make.

Isak: You're the best. ❤️

Even: I know, but who are you, and what did you do to my boyfriend?

Isak: I can't be grateful now?

Even: Of course you can. You just don't sound like yourself.

Isak: Fuck you.

Even: There you are. ❤️ I look forward to seeing you again, Isak. We can have a quicky before Sana comes, right?

Isak: You're notorious, Even. I'm at work. I can't think about stuff like that right now!

Even: But we have the time, right? I wanna fuck you. Can I do that?

Isak: Work, Even!

Even: Lol. Okay. Later, Isak.

Isak: Later. And yes, you can. ❤️

 

Isak puts his phone away, wills his dick to rest in his pants and manages to focus on the work for a while. He even manages to be a little social, and talks to a couple of his colleagues at lunch.

Then the chat with the boys pings:

 

THE BOYS

Jonas: Guys, should we go out tonight?

Magnus: Yeah, I'm in!

Jonas: Lol, you're always in, Mags.

Mahdi: Yeah, why not? It's been a while.

Jonas: Great!

Isak: I can't.

Magnus: Whyyyyyyy?

Isak: I just can't. Sorry.

Even: Isak's doing some Biology and Physiology stuff with Sana.

Magnus: Biology on a Friday night?

Jonas: Yeah, what's that?

Isak: I need the help. Been too unfocused lately.

Magnus: Been fucking too much, eh?

Isak: ...

Jonas: Well, too bad.

Mahdi: More fun for us, then. Lol.

Jonas: What about you, Even?

Mahdi: Yeah, Isak is just boring, why don't you join us?

Isak: Serr? You're asking my boyfriend when I can't come? Am I being replaced?

Magnus: Yes.

Isak: WTF?

Jonas: Lol. It would be great, though. What do you say, Even?

Even: Well, I don't have other plans.

Magnus: You have to come!

Jonas: You really do, Even.

Even: I'm in.

Isak: Well, fuck me.

Even: Not right now, honey.

Mahdi: Haha!

Magnus: Lol! This is going to be so good!

 

Isak groans as he imagines all the embarrassing chats his best friends and boyfriend might have, going out together. Still, he likes the idea of Even being social. Isak somehow feels it's a good sign. He glances at the chat again. That "not right now", though. How is it possible that a sentence like that can give him this tingling feeling in his stomach? He just can't help imagining coming home and getting fucked by Even. _Not now. Work._

The last part of his workday goes maddeningly slowly. Isak only manages to think about Even. About kissing him until they are both breathless. About fucking, and getting fucked. As Even said, they have time for a quick one before Sana shows up. Isak really hopes Even's still up for it. When the workday finally ends, Isak is both excited and horny. He sends a quick text:

 

EVEN <3

Isak: Are you at home?

Even: Yeah, and I am waiting for you. ❤️

Isak: I’ll be home in a minute. Can't wait.❤️

 

Isak almost runs home from work, eager to see Even again. He takes the stairs in big strides, and is out of breath when he approaches the flat. When he opens the door, Even is suddenly there, right in front of him.

– Halla, Even breathes.

– Halla.

They kiss, and Isak needs to control himself not to cling uncontrollably to Even. But Even has that dark look in his eyes. – I want you like right now, Even says.

Isak nods. – We need to be quick, he says. – Sana’s coming later.

Even smiles, and raises his brows. – Well, she won’t be here for an hour or so, right?

– Yeah, well, that’s true. But I need to get the food, and you’re going out with the boys, too.

– Yeah, Even laughs, and wiggles his eyebrows. – You sure you want me out with them?

Isak shrugs, and smiles a little. – Well, you can't stay here.

– Why?

Isak blushes. – I can't concentrate when you’re watching me, Even.

Even looks at him. It looks like he’s going to say something, but then his eyes glaze over. Isak feels it too. The shift. Another déjà vu.

They are both in a classroom, by a window sill. Kissing. Oh my god, they are kissing, and Even is between his legs, and it feels so good… And then Sana shows up, smiling. They greet her and step back from each other, but the tension and lust between them is almost tangible. They talk. Tease each other.

_I can’t practise at home when you’re there. When you look at me and stuff…_

_But I promise I won’t look at you._

_Then what’s the use, Even? For me to practise at home if you don’t look at me?_

_That’s true._

_Is this the way it’s gonna be? That you’re out working and I just sit at home waiting for you?_

_It’s not weird that I work a lot, I’m thinking about our future together. One of us does need to-_

_Watch what you’re about to say..!_

_-have income._

And it’s over. Isak blinks and leans into Even, still feeling dizzy. Even meets his gaze and raises his eyebrows. – Interesting. Seems like the other us have a similar situation.

Isak smiles a little. – That other me is kind of right, you know. I must work a lot so I can earn money so that you can do your thing.

Even steps forward and Isak finds himself cornered in the small hallway. – So. You're thinking about our future?

– I suppose I am, Isak tells him quietly, breaking their fierce eye contact. Even has other plans though, and tilts Isak's chin up until he is stuck looking into Even's eyes. Even's eyes are dark and unreadable, and Isak's breath is caught in his throat as he stares up at him.

– What happened to taking a day at the time?

– Well, I can do both now, Isak says (and he knows it’s true).

– I like that you do, Even whispers, his voice thick with an unknown emotion, but before Isak can decipher what Even is saying, he has pushed Isak back until he hits the wall behind him, and Even's mouth is on his, hot and needy as their lips moves together. It barely takes five seconds before Isak lets the shock dissipate into want and need, pressing his mouth firmly against Even's. All his horniness and want from the whole day overwhelms him and he kisses Even back, drawing from his mouth as if he needs his very essence to stay alive.

– Do you… ugh… have a kink for me talking about us in the future or something?

Even grins into the kiss. – Something like that.

He presses forward until his hips are pressed against Isak's, so Isak wraps his arms around his neck, holding him close as their lips and tongues moves with each other. _God, it feels good._ Even's mouth is both strong and determined, and soft and sweet, and Isak lets himself get lost in the feelings.

– I just love it... Even mutters at his lips, – when you talk about us.

Isak lets out a moan as Even nibbles on his bottom lip, pressing him even further into the wall. Even’s hands slides down from Isak's neck to his waist and grips him tightly. Even's cock is hard, and Isak can feel it pressing against his stomach.

– Wow… you really do, don't you? he laughs, but the laughter is more a gasp of breath than anything else. Even makes him dizzy of lust and love, and he doesn't quite know how to handle it.

Isak's not really sure how they move across the flat, but somehow they end up tangled up together on their bed. Even rolls them over until he is laying on top of Isak, thighs straddling Isak as his lips begin to travel from Isak's mouth to his jaw bone, and down to his neck. Isak shivers, and holds on to Even as if he was a life buoy. He tries to maintain some control, but a slow moan escapes him. Even is flushed and focused and looks amazing. He pulls the collar of Isak’s shirt out of the way so that he can nibble and lick along Isak’s collarbone, and Isak finds himself panting in pleasure as Even's teasing tongue works back up the same trail. – Fuck, yes… he moans.

Even continues to push his body against him. – Oh God, you feel so good, he groans, pressing his face into Isak's neck and angling his hips so their hard cocks press against each other.

Isak knows that they need to be relatively quick, but he doesn't have it in him to hurry. He slides his hands down to Even's narrow waist and holds tight so he can roll them over on the small bed, settling himself over Even. Isak leans down so he can kiss him again, and Even attacks his mouth hungrily, with his fingers gripping his hair.

Isak props himself up on his elbows so he can see Even's face. He lines them up so their cocks are pressing against each other again before he slowly rocks his hips forward. Even groans as Isak repeats the motion, getting maximum friction through the pants they both have on.

– Fuck, Isak, fuck, fuck, fuck, Even chants, breathless as Isak rocks into him. – Don't stop...

Isak grins down at him. He trails his mouth down Even's neck, licking gently over his Adam's apple and making his way down the center of his chest. When Isak glances up at Even's face, he is watching him intently. Isak can feel Even’s cock hard against his stomach, and notices a wet spot through the sweats. Isak continues to kiss and lick his way down Even's belly. Even's hand finds the back of Isak's head as he nibbles along the skin at the top of the sweats, letting his fingers tug them down softly. Isak licks his lips when Even's dick pops out from under the material, bouncing up against his stomach. Isak begins to lick his way closer to Even's shaft.

– Isak, Even moans as Isak moves his mouth closer to him. He is already leaking, and the groan he lets out when Isak licks at the bead of moisture is positively sinful. – Fuck, more, Isak, fuck.

Isak chuckles, stops teasing him and wraps his lips around his head. Isak can't help but close his eyes as he savors Even's taste, loving the way his salty skin feels in his mouth. Even  is rock hard. Isak wraps his hand around his base and takes more into his mouth. Even's hips buck up, thrusting deeper into Isak's mouth. Isak takes him in as deep as he can, letting the thick head bump the back of his throat before pulling back, slurping his way up and down his shaft. Isak wants to make it as good as possible for Even, so he finally pulls his mouth all the way off of him and slides down further until he reaches his balls, taking them into his mouth one and by one and rolling his tongue over them before sliding down and flicking his tongue over that sensitive spot right behind his balls. Isak keeps a slight grip on Even's cock, as Even bucks beneath him.

– Is this okay? Isak asks.

Even groans. – Yes. No... Come up here, he urges, pulling Isak up by the underarms until they are face to face. Isak barely has time to process what is happening before Even has flipped them over so Isak is on his back and Even is on top of him. Blood rushes south and his dick throbs in his pants. A second later, Even has pulled Isak's shirt off and is attacking his chest with kisses. He begins to rock his hips against Isak's, so Isak spreads his legs wider so Even can settle between them. – Mm, you're so hard, he murmurs against his mouth before kissing him again. He slides his soft lips over Isak's chin and up to his earlobe.

He slides his hand under the waistband of Isak's pants. His fingers wrap around Isak`s bare cock, and he begins to stroke Isak as he kisses and sucks on his neck. Isak moans under the touches.

– Get your pants off, Even growls in his ear as he rolls off to the side and watches. Isak wastes no time pulling them off before sprawling out on top of the bed again. Even's eyes glaze over as he watches him. He runs his fingers along Isak's sides before gripping his hips and pulling Isak back so his ass is pressed against Even's thighs as he kneels over him. – You are amazing, Isak...

Even's hand finds Isak’s dick and begins to jerk him off.

– Fuck, that feels good, Isak moans.

– You're so fucking hot, Isak, Even tells him, leaning over him to kiss him. Even takes advantage of one of Isak's gasps of pleasure and pushes his tongue into his mouth, letting them intertwine as he strokes Isak up and down. Isak can feel his balls tightening and does his best to will himself to calm down, but it is almost impossible the way Even handles him.

– Even, Isak moans, – I'm so close… please.

Even begins to jerk Isak a little bit faster and harder, tightening his grip. – Oh, you want to come? he teases, mouth close to Isak`s ear. Isak shuts his eyes and gulps. Even is driving him crazy, and Isak feels like he is about to burst out of his skin. – Tell me what you want, Isak. Even urges before mouthing his ear lobe.

– Please, make me come, Isak moans. – Please, fuck, Isak whimpers, unable to contain it anymore. He can feel precum dripping out, slicking Even`s fingers and easing the motion of his strokes. Isak almost cries when Even pulls his hand from him altogether and leaves his hard cock bouncing against his stomach. – Fuck, no, Isak moans out, reaching for himself, but Even pushes his hand away.

– Wait, I`ve got you, Even whispers with a final kiss below Isak`s ear. – I want to taste you when you explode. Can I suck your cock, Isak? You want that?

– Fuck yes, Isak groans. – Please. Please suck me.

It takes Even less than a second before he has slid down Isak`s body. He plants a few kisses along his hip bones before trailing that perfect mouth to Isak`s leaking shaft. Even`s tongue drags from his balls up the underside of his shaft, flicking right under the head before he wraps his lips around him. Even`s deep blue eyes are on Isak as he works him in and out of his mouth, the perfect combo of hot and wet. The words streaming out of Isak`s mouth are barely comprehensible as Even takes him deep in his throat.

– Fuck, Even, I'm not going to last, Isak moans. – Oh god, oh god, I'm....

Isak can't even get the words out because Even slides his mouth all the way down his shaft, his eyes closed as he moans around his dick, sending sparks straight into Isak`s balls. Isak`s abs clench and his hips buck off the bed, trying to get even deeper. Isak`s hands grips the sheets beside him as he explodes into Even`s mouth. Even swallows around him, moaning as he takes Isak`s load. Isak throws his head back on his pillow and struggles to catch his breath, completely and totally spent. _Fuck, that was good_.

Isak watches as Even wipes at his mouth with the back of his arm before crawling up over him and kissing him gently. – You taste so good, Even murmurs against Isak`s lips before deepening the kiss again. Isak can taste his own spunk on his tongue, and moans into the kiss. The weight of Even`s body is the perfect amount of pressure, and Isak feels delightfully close to him in this moment.

– Mm that was so good… Isak mutters. – Let me return the favor. I never got to finish you off. Isak tries to roll Even over, but Even resists, choosing to kiss him until he is breathless again instead.

– Even, Isak groans. – Let me...

Even takes his hands and finds Isak`s, lacing their fingers together before lifting his arms above his head. The hard length of his whole body is pressed against his. – No, I don't want to get off. Not yet at least, Even tells Isak, looking down at him. – I'm not getting off until I can do it inside you.

 _Well, fuck me_ , but if that doesn't send a spark down Isak`s shaft, causing a little twitch in his groin. Even wants to fuck him. How is Isak supposed to say no to that?

– Mmm, Isak chuckles. – As good as that sounds, I'm going to need some time to recover. And. we’re going to have a guest soon. I don’t know how that’ll work.

Even`s raises his eyebrows. His hand drops Isak`s hands and he reaches back between them to Isak`s deflated cock. The callouses of his hand on Isak are enough to stimulate some blood flow. Isak blushes, and feels like he’s a horny teenager again.

– Your dick is so nice, Even mutters. Even continues, releasing Isak`s shaft and letting his fingers drift down to his balls. – You make me wanna suck you again.

Isak’s dick thickens with his words. Even smiles. – Oh you like the thought of that, don’t you?

– Fuck, Isak groans out, lost in the sensation again. – You're killing me.

Even plays with the balls for a moment, rolling them gently between his fingers before sliding one finger to the sensitive area behind them. He is dangerously close to Isak’s hole and his cock is suddenly gladly on board for round two. – I've been thinking about your nice ass all day. I can't wait to be inside you.

All the dirty talk is doing wonders for Isak`s dick. Even smirks. – I know you're so hot and tight.

– God, you're dirty, Isak laughs, breathless as Even`s fingertip begins to massage his hole.

– I’m just… telling the truth.

Even presses his fingertip inside Isak. Isak lets out a groan as he pauses, letting the tight ring of muscle adjust around the intrusion. God, Isak loves when Even opens him up. Even leans down and kisses his chest, making his way between his nipples and nuzzling his face into the skin there. His breath is hot and fast, and Isak loves that he is barely containing himself. Isak winces as Even`s finger begins to move inside his ass, pushing ever so slightly into his canal.

– Lube, Isak murmurs.

Even takes the hint and nods, pulling his finger out and reaching over him to the nightstand. Isak tries not to laugh as things go crashing to the ground, not sure if it is because of clumsiness or a desire to fuck. Even finally gets the drawer open and pulls out the small bottle of lube. Isak’s silently relieved that they don’t need the hassle of condoms anymore.

– Get on your back, Even demands, although his tone is gentle as he pushes him down by the shoulder. Isak complies with his request and lays himself down, letting Even crawl over him. They move the rest of the way in an effortless transition, his body sliding over Isak`s as if he is designed to fit between Isak`s legs. Isak spreads wide and draw his knees up to his chest as Even slathers some lube on his shaft and Isak`s hole. Even may not have finished prepping Isak, but Isak isn't going to wait any longer. His desire is met with the pressure of Even’s cock head on his hole. Isak relaxes against him and welcomes the thick, pulsing intrusion into his body. _Fuck… that’s good._

– Fuck, Even groans out. – You feel so good, Isak.

Isak can only moan in response as Even`s cock slides into his ass, stretching the muscles with a delicious sting that makes him want to cry out. Even stills inside once he is an inch in, his hard head nestled just inside. – More, Isak demands, and Even complies, slowly inching himself all the way in. – Oh god, yes, Isak moans out as Even bottoms out inside of him, his hips pressed against the backs of his thighs.

Even begins to rock his hips back and forth, sliding his shaft in and out of Isak’s tight canal in smooth motions. Even has a strong control over his motions, and Isak is getting lost in the pleasure. The pressure of Even inside gives way quickly, evolving into a satisfying thrum of contentment as he presses in and out of Isak in a slow, steady rhythm. Even adjusts Isak’s legs so they are wrapped around his waist. He leans over Isak, propping himself up on his elbows so he can kiss him as he thrusts inside of him.

– Oh god, Isak moans out as Even’s thick head bumps against his prostate. Isak’s head rolls back on the bed and he feels like he is going to explode again already. – Right there, he mutters.

Even takes his request seriously and angles his hips so he can thrust harder into Isak, repeatedly hitting his prostate over and over again. Isak can’t stop moaning. The pressure of Even’s cock on his gland is enough to drive him wild, and his balls tighten as Even continuously pounds into him. – Fuck, that's good... Harder.

Even increases his speed again, thrusting into Isak harder and harder, his breath rapid against Isak’s face as he focuses on pounding him as hard as he can. Even’s eyes catch his, and Isak is breathless as Even stares right into his eyes. _So much love..._ Isak’s heart aches and he can’t break the connection.

For some reason, the eye contact with Even is too much. There is so much feeling, so much love. Isak feels like the world is blurring, almost like he’s losing a part of himself. Even’s eyes are everything. He can’t breathe.

Even’s thrusts are getting more erratic, and Isak can only guess that he is getting close to finishing. Even’s eyes… _too much… can’t…_

– Come for me, Isak gasps, as he squeezes his eyes shut in an attempt to disassociate himself from the connection for a moment.

Even slows his thrusts, coming to a complete stop inside of Isak. Isak feels Even’s face nuzzling his neck.

– Hey, he murmurs softly against Isak’s skin. Isak opens his eyes and angles his head so he can actually see him again. Even looks concerned, and Isak feels terrible for shutting this all out in an instant. Seems like he still has some control issues.

– You okay?

– I'm fine, Isak tells him, gulping as he attempts to keep eye contact. He’s shaking. – Just a little… yeah. A little much.

Even gives Isak a smile, completely different from his usual grins, but something softer. – I feel it too, he says, kissing Isak’s mouth gently. Gone is the hurried rush to the finish line, and he has shifted into something more sweet and sensual. – But I want you to come, he tells Isak. – And I want to see how much you love it.

Isak swallows, instantly turned back on at his suggestive words. Even begins to rock his hips again, never taking his eyes off him. Even’s eyes are dark with lust, and Isak revels in the connection between them. Isak can take it now, he can take all the feelings that vibrate between them. It’s not too much. Even holds him, and rocks him, and holds his gaze, and Isak feels cherished, and cared for. He finally manages to let go and enjoy the intense connection. He moans, and moves, more and more  erratic, and everything is Even, Even, Even.

Even is pounding him again now, the bedframe squeaking in protest as they rock back and forth. Isak moans and moves with him. Even pulls back slightly and works his way between them, taking Isak’s shaft in his hand and stroking him tight and fast in time with his thrusts into his ass. Isak’s moans have evolved into incomprehensible babble, and Even looks like he’s close to losing it.

– Just let go, Isak, I got you, he moans out, his words striking a chord within Isak, as he explodes for the second time that evening, white ropes of thick cum spraying across his chest. The pleasure and relief soars through his body, and his chest is full of feelings. Even lets out a long moan as he gives a final thrust inside of Isak. Isak can feel his cock pulsing inside of him, and it feels so _good_. Even stills for a second before collapsing back onto his elbows. He is breathing fast and hard, but he never breaks their eye contact. Isak pants beneath him, as Even shoots him one of his grins and leans down to kiss him. Isak feels like a bowl of jelly at this point, and Even can basically do what he wants with him.

Even's scoots up off of Isak, before pulling out of his ass. Isak feels so good, he can hardly move. Even seems spent too, but he takes one of their t-shirts and they clean each other up. Then Even settles beside Isak on the bed, his naked form pressed against him. Even fits against him perfectly, so Isak snuggles against him and enjoys the closeness for a moment. – That was amazing, Even murmurs before pressing a soft kiss to Isak’s bare shoulder.

– Mmm, Isak agrees, too tired to attempt more communication. He is completely spent.

Still, he knows they can't stay like this. They need to get up and about before Sana comes. This took longer than they had meant it to. He’ll have to pick up the fish burgers, too.

– Fuck, we need to hurry, he mutters, and sits up slowly, like he’s drunk. – By the way, are you gonna eat with us?

– No, I`ll eat with the boys, Even mutters, and looks just as drained as Isak feels. He laughs. – Clearly, we didn't think this through… I feel wrecked. But good.

– Definitely good.

They laugh.

Isak shakes his head as he stumbles to the shower. He still smiles though, and feels amazing.

So. That’s the reason why they are still flushed and flustered when Sana comes. Luckily, they both have had the time to take a quick shower, put some clothes on, and Isak has even had time to pick up the food.

Isak is relieved that Sana doesn't seem to notice that they’re acting weird. Maybe because they always are. Or maybe she’s a good actress. She just smiles a little to them both and brings her books to the livingroom. Even kisses Isak goodbye and leaves in a hurry, mumbling about meeting the boys, and then it’s just Sana and Isak. They sit at the table in the livingroom, surrounded by their laptops and books.

– So weren't you going to serve me something, Isak? Sana asks. – I thought you had learned to be a better host by now?

Isak smiles. – Well, I've bought the fish burgers. And I learned how to make tea, too, he chuckles. – I'll fetch the burgers, so we can eat before we do the work.

– Thanks, that would be nice.

Isak walks to the kitchen. Then he looks back at her and his open laptop.  – No snooping this time, okay? No making fake insta accounts with images from my messenger!

Of course he refers to the time in high school where Sana got hurt by some vicious girls, wanted revenge, and she ended up hurting people in the process.

Sana sighs. – Isak! That's years ago. I said I was sorry! You said you forgave me!

Isak leans to the doorframe and grins. – I did. Of course I did. I still love to bug you about it though. It’s like the only mistake you’ve ever made.

– Not the only one.

Sana pauses. Suddenly she looks uncertain. – Do you think I have anger issues, Isak?

Isak looks at her. Thinks about when they were younger, and they had this talk, about all the hate she’s met, and her silent anger. – No. Sana, I really don’t.

– No?

– No. I have more anger issues than you have. Where’s this coming  from?

Sana looks ashamed. – I might have had a bad day yesterday… I was stressed and tired, and I yelled at Noora, because Yousef was chatting a lot with her, and I felt like she was taking him from me, and… it turned out they were only chatting about her babysitting for us, and she was disappointed in me, and said I have anger issues. And, well, she might have a point.

Isak shakes his head. – You have had periods when you are a bit strict towards others, that’s true. You’re badass and tell it as it is. But I really don’t think you have anger issues, Sana.

– But I still can feel so angry sometimes, about not fitting in with Norwegian culture, or anywhere else. I feel like I stretch in all directions, to make a good career, be a good mother, a good wife and a good muslim. It’s never enough. And all the hate and prejudice is wearing me down. And when I feel bad, it’s so easy to feel like I’m alone, you know?

– Yeah.

Isak doesn't know what to say. They had this talk when they were younger, and just like then, he knows that he doesn't have the right words.

– You once told me that hate comes from fear. Maybe that can help you somehow?

She looks like she doubts his words, or herself. But then she shrugs, and looks at him. – Fuck, I don’t know. Let’s eat.

– Okay,

Sana stares at him, and it’s not easy to tell if she’s irritated or not. – Well, what are you waiting for? Bring me food!

– Will do! Isak laughs, but his laugh breaks when he feels the shift.

He's in the classroom with Even again, in the window sill. Kissing. Just like earlier. They tease and banter with each other, while Sana looks at her PC. Even leaves for his class.

And then. Isak sees a photo on Sana's Facebook page. Mikael. That guy from the student movie. Even’s best buddy. The younger version of him is curious, and a little uncertain. Who is this Mikael, and who is he, to Even?

_Who’s that?_

_Nobody._

_Isn’t one of those guy’s name Mikael, or something?_

Isak shivers, as the world shifts back. _What the fuck?_ What was that about?

Sana looks alarmed. – What's wrong?

Isak doesn't know what to say. He hasn’t had one of these moments in days, and he wonders why he suddenly has had two in the same day. – Nothing, he shrugs. – I think I had a déjà vu or something.

Sana looks at him for a moment. – Right.

She shifts in her chair, and looks closely at him. – You have heard about that theory about déjà vu moments, yeah?

Isak wrinkles his eyebrows in confusion. – Which one?

– The one about parallel universes?

Isak swallows hard. _What the fuck?_ He knows that Sana is intuitive, but this is ridiculous.

– Yeah, I have heard about that, he mutters. – So, you think I had a glimpse into another universe?

Sana shrugs. – I don’t know. You were the one always chatting about parallel universes. Not me.

She tilts her head. – So what was the déjà vu about?

Isak sighs. – Mostly Even.

Sana smiles. – That figures. She looks like she wants to tell him something, but doesn't.

Isak shakes his head, as if to clear it. – Well. Sorry that I’m so out of it. I’ll get those fish burgers now.

Sana nods, still looking thoughtful. Isak decides not to think too much about it, and goes into the kitchen and fetches the food. They eat in silence for a moment.

– You know, I have an idea how to make the kids interested in science, Sana says.

– Yeah?

– Yeah. I think you could tell them about parallel universes. Déjà vu. The Butterfly Effect. Things like that. It could show them that science can be exciting.

Isak smiles. Sana is onto something. He thinks for a moment. – I still need to connect it to what I’m teaching this year.

– Yeah, but we can figure that out, can't we?

– Yeah, I think we can, Isak grins,  – Let’s try.

They put away the rest of the food and start working. For the first time in a long time, Isak feels excited about his new job. He can make this work. They can.

It occurs to him that it’s important to him, to make this job work for him. He suspects that he will like to teach. As long as he starts to believe that he actually can teach them stuff.

They have worked for about two hours, when they take a break. Sana is chatting to him about her kids and scrolling through Facebook at the same time. That’s when Isak sees it. He spots a photo of Mikael in her Facebook. Just like in the déjà vu.

His heart beats fast in his chest. Mikael. _Who the fuck is Mikael, and how does Sana know him?_ Could he be Even’s earlier love interest, or something? Or maybe a boyfriend? Isak feels an uneasy sting in his stomach, he doesn't like the thought of that. Of course it doesn't matter; Isak has had lovers before, just as Even. It's just irrational. But he still sort of envies the ones who have been able to know and love Even for years. He pushes the feeling away.

– Who’s that? he asks, trying to sound like he doesn't care. – It’s Mikael, right?

Sana shuts her PC and looks at him. – I can't tell you that right now, she says, with a stubborn look in her eyes.

– Sana…

She just shrugs, and says nothing. Just like in that déjà vu he had. Fuck.

Isak sighs. He knows he won't get an answer. Not now. But he will figure it out someday, and he’s not sure that he’ll like it.

 

##  **Even: The Question**

It's a mistake. An accident. It’s Sunday morning and Even is making a cup of tea while Isak is having a shower. And Even doesn't mean to pry, but Isak's messenger is open on his laptop, and he catches the name Mikael there, in a chat with Sana. He loses his breath and can’t help reading more.

 

SANASOL

Isak: Who is this Mikael, Sana?

Sana: Why?

Isak: Just wondering.

Isak: I think he's one of Even's old buddies from Elvebakken.

Sana: Well, that’s …

 

That's all Even manages to read before Isak enters the room, and it leaves Even terrified. His heart races, like it’s about to burst out of him. His thoughts race as well. Why is Isak asking Sana about Mikael? What does Isak know? Does he know about the crush, and what he tried to do? Does he know that Even has kept this secret from him again? Is everything going to hell? Again? Oh fuck, Isak is going to see right through him, and he’s going to be so hurt, and he’s going to hate him. Even’s going to lose Isak. He wants to groan in pain, he can't stand the thought. Everything is going to hell. A part of him knows that he’s being irrational, but he can't help himself.

Isak looks like nothing has happened when he approaches him. His hair is wet from the shower, and he looks mostly relaxed. He smiles, and gives Even a kiss on his cheek. He looks a little tired, though.

Even realizes that Isak has been a little weird since Sana was here on Friday. When Even came home after hanging with Jonas and the other boys, Isak had trouble sleeping again. He had also had trouble sleeping last night, and he has been a little distant, like he has had something on his mind. They spent the whole Saturday hanging at home, but Isak was still troubled somehow. Even had first thought it was because Isak worried about him hanging with the boys, so he had told Isak all about it, and how great it was, but nothing changed. Isak _had_ asked him a careful question about his old friends, that Even sidestepped, as usual. He probably should have realized that something was up.

Even tries to calm himself. – Halla, baby, he smiles.

The fear is like a painful lump in Even`s stomach. Maybe Isak just tries to find a way to tell him that he doesn't want him anymore? That he`s fed up of all the secrets? Or that he knows his story, and can`t live with it? Can it be that bad?

– Hi, Evi, Isak smiles.

Even smiles wide, trying to hide his worry. – Evi?

Isak shrugs and blushes a little. – Just a nickname.

– Huh, I kind of like it.

They kiss, and Even tries to keep calm. So calm. Maybe this isn't so bad. He doesn't know how much Isak knows yet. Maybe he still can fix this.

– Are you okay? he asks.

– Yeah, I think so, Isak shrugs. – I just have had a couple of these déjà vu things lately. Today I had one where you helped me fix my tie. I think it must have been New Years eve. We were happy.

 _I am happy, too_ , Even wants to say. He doesn't dare to. – I haven't had one of those in ages, he says.

– Me neither.

Even knows that Isak thinks the same as he thinks. The last time they had a lot of these moments, things were pretty rough.

– It doesn't have to mean anything, Even assures him.

Isak still has this distant, almost worried look in his eyes again. – I know. It probably doesn't.

Even is worried, too. – So... apart from that, you’re good?

– Yeah, Isak smiles, but his smile doesn't quite reach his eyes. – I`m just a little nervous about the dinner tonight, I guess.

Even`s pretty sure, that's not the only thing bothering him, but of course he doesn't confront him about it. He just hugs Isak closer. – Well, me too. But we’re going to be okay.

Isak smiles. – Yeah? So you're going to behave?

– Oh yes, I’m going to charm everyone.

– You always do.

Even laughs, relieved to see a genuine smile in Isak’s face. – So, apart from that, are you free today, or is Sana coming again? he asks.

Isak leans into him, still smiling. – Sana’s just dropping by with some books that I need. We’ll probably just talk a little.

Even tries not to panic. He wants to ask Isak a hundred questions, or stop him from seeing Sana, but he knows that he can't do that. He’ll have to try to trust Sana.

– Sounds alright, he says. – I suppose I can go out and buy some bread.

– On a Sunday?

– Well, we're empty. The shop on the corner is open.

– Yeah, I forgot that. We need milk, too, Isak smiles. He looks Even in the eyes and strokes his hand through his hair. – You know what, Even? he says.

– What?

Isak looks at him fondly, and his eyes are dark green. – I kind of like you.

He says it like it doesn't mean that much, like it’s just for fun, but Even knows that something like this coming from Isak, is huge.

Even pulls him closer, and steals a kiss. – I should hope so, he laughs. – I kind of like you too.

They both laugh, and kiss some more. Even`s mouth presses against Isak’s gently, but firmly, feeling those soft lips push back. Oh yeah, Even likes Isak. Isak means everything to him, and it’s scary to think about it. He doesn't want to lose this! One of Even's hands tangle into Isak's hair, wrapping it in a fist, but not aggressively. This kiss is something sweet, and full of trust. Even moans. He can't lose himself in this now, he must figure out what happens with Sana. Isak sighs against Even's lips, but before tongues can be involved, Even pulls back. Isak seems lost as his eyes readjust from the chaste kiss. Even chuckles and brushes a thumb over his lips. – If you like, I could make you some tea before I go?

Isak nods, blinks slowly and smiles. – Uh, thanks, Sana would love that.

– I know.

Even also hopes that he'll get a chance to talk to Sana that way.

Luckily, he does. Isak is in the basement doing the laundry when Sana finally shows up. She greets him and smiles. Even is so nervous he's almost falling apart.

In that moment, it’s more like the world falls apart, and he is suddenly at school, in a hallway, but it’s not Bakka. Sana stands in front of him, leaning to the lockers.

_Halla._

_Hi_

_Everything okay?_

_Uh.. yeah._

_I heard… that you and… and Isak was talking about Mikael?_

Even snaps out of it, and his heart is racing with both his own anxiety and the younger Even’s anxiety. His greeting to Sana is more a grunt than anything else.

– Hi, she replies, as he lets her in.

– So... Have you been talking to Isak about Mikael? he asks, before she has taken her coat off.

Sana looks a little lost in her thoughts. – What?

When she sees how worried he is, she answers quickly: – I haven't told Isak what happened with Mikael, Even. Don't worry.

Even’s heart is beating fast in his chest. – No?

– No. He just saw a photo on my Facebook feed, and asked about him.

– Oh.

Even relaxes a little. He should never have doubted Sana. He looks at her fondly, and wishes things were different. That he could rewind everything, and start over.

– Isak is fixing the laundry, he says, and heads to the kitchen. Do you want a cup of tea?

Sana smiles, and follows him. – Yes, please.

He puts the kettle on, and leans to the counter. – So... how are Elias and the boys?

Sana smiles. – You know. Elias is still enjoying life, but at least he's got a job. He still hangs with the boys. They still do stupid pranks.

She leans her head back. – They still miss you, too, you know.

– I miss them, too.

Even focuses on finding her a tea mug and make her the tea. No tears. Not now.

– Here you go, he says, and they sit down at the kitchen table.

– Thanks, Sana says and looks at him. – So when are you planning to tell Isak that you know me, and the boys?

Even sighs. – I don’t know, Sana... It’s difficult.

Sana nods. Her eyes are warm, and understanding.  – You know I got you, but you should tell him soon.

– Yeah, I know.

– I’ve managed to sidestep all his questions, but that won’t last much longer.

– I know.

– Do you? Sana says, suddenly in a sharp voice. – Do you really? I don’t like to have secrets from one of my best friends, Even.

The guilt is like a stab in his gut.

– I know, Sana, I’m sorry.

Sana sighs. – And did you know that he has had déjà vu, too, now!?

Even swallows. – He told you?

– Well, he zoned out just before he saw the photo of Mikael, so yeah.

– Huh.

Sana stares at him. – It wasn't a coincidence that you talked about parallel universes right after that déjà vu you had, was it?

Even blushes. – Maybe not.

– What’s going on, Even? Since when have you been interested in weird scientific theories like that?

Even shrugs, uncertain how much he can say.

Sana looks thoughtful. – So do you believe it, then?

– What?

– That déjà vu is something you feel when the parallel universes overlap?

Well, that’s the question, isn't it? He sort of knows it’s a thing, but can he truly believe it?

– I don’t know, Sana. Yes, maybe. I don’t even know if I like the idea of parallel universes.

Sana nods, like she gets it. – The infinity of it all, eh? It’s impossible to control all the variables. And you are a director, after all. You want control.

– Right.

He knows his tone of voice tells her that she has a point. He has so little control in his life; he needs to know that he can control something.

– I’m just a director wannabe, though, he jokes, to relieve some of the tension he feels.

Sana looks at him for a moment, like she’s assessing him. – You know you can become one, if you choose to.

– Maybe, Even says and looks away. He loves Sana, but she sometimes seems to know him too well, she knows just how to push his buttons, and it’s… frustrating.

He sighs. – Well yes, I suppose that I can. The teacher job is a safer one, though. And I can keep my passion as a hobby.

Sana just smiles, and looks at him fondly. – Yeah,that’s true.

She must have picked up that there was no point pushing him more. Not now. Even is relieved.

In that moment, Isak opens the door to the apartment. Even sits up, suddenly feeling guilty.

Isak comes in, with a wide smile, and Even almost jumps up to kiss him. – Halla!

– Halla, Isak answers and looks over at Sana, – I hope you haven't been waiting for too long, Sana.

Sana just smiles. – No, I’m fine.

Even stretches. – Well, I guess I should leave you geniuses be, then. We need some milk and bread.

– Yeah, we won’t sit that long, Isak assures him. – We’ve found a solution, and I think it’s pretty good.

– Good, then, Even says, as he finds his jacket and puts it on. He feels calmer now that he's talked to Sana. He leans to Isak, and gives him another kiss. – See you in a minute.

– Even? Sana says, as he’s about to go.

– Yeah?

– You know that no matter what you believe in; Allah, God or Alternate universes, you always have control over your own choices, right?

She winks.

Even smiles. – I suppose you have a point.

Isak looks at him over Sana`s shoulder, and pretends to be offended. – What? You`ve had deep philosophical talks without me? I feel left out.

– I can talk big talks with you whenever you want, baby, Even laughs.

Isak nods, and suddenly he looks serious. – I`m glad.

Even leaves then, wishing them both luck. He picks up some bread and milk and some other stuff in the shop at the corner, and all the time he`s thinking that he should tell Isak everything soon. Or some of it. He doesn't know. And he doesn't know who to get advice from. He knows what Sana would want him to do, but he also knows that she never would push him. He can't talk to Jonas, Magnus and Mahdi about this, because, well, they are Isak`s friends. And he definitely can’t talk to Sonja.

When he finally decides to text Sonja anyway, it’s more because he knows he should have done it a long time ago. Forgive and forget, and all that. He doesn't think he wants to hear her advice.

 

SONJA

Even: Thanks for helping Isak out when I lost it. You know I’m not a fan of you meddling, but I’m truly grateful. We’re good. Hope you’re doing well, too.

Sonja: No worries. And I’m sorry that I said that shit to Isak.

Even: What did you say?

Sonja: That you both were reckless. And that you didn't love him. That it was just mania.

Fuck. Even shivers. No wonder Isak asked him if his crush was because of mania. Isak must have been so confused, thinking that this amazing thing between them was just mania. But he never told him what Sonja had said. Fuck fuck fuck fuck.

Even stares at his phone. He’s pissed at her, but he understands where she comes from. After all, he has had a fix idea about a boy before.

 

SONJA

Even: What the fuck, Sonja?

Sonja: I know.

Even: But I guess that I get that you were worried, and I get that it might have looked like a manic fixation. It’s okay.

Sonja: Yeah, but I’m sorry. I shouldn't have said that.

Even: Tell Isak that, not me.

Sonja: I did.

Even: Good then. See ya later?

Sonja: Later, Even.

 

Even is still angry, but he can’t let his feelings consume him. He needs to figure out what he can tell Isak, and how. He needs someone to talk to, someone who understands.

Even realizes that he needs to talk to his mom. He decides to go by their house to see if she is home, before he heads back to the flat. Sunday is family day, after all, and since he`s already about to meet Isak`s parent, he can meet his own first.

His mom is having a smoke on the stairs in front of the house. He hugs her and sits down next to her.

– I know, she says, and smiles. – I should have quit these a long time ago.

Even shrugs. He knows how it can be.

– It’s good to see you, honey, his mom smiles. – What’s up?

Even thinks for a moment. Struggles to find the right words.

His mom looks at him, and as always, he knows that she knows, that something’s up. – How are you doing, Even? she asks. – You okay?

– I'm good. Everything's good.

Even swallows. – We’re having dinner with Isak’s parents today.

– Are you nervous?

– A little. But I kind of feel like they have let Isak down, or at least his father, so I think the anger will help me.

His mom smiles then. – As long as you don’t yell at them, I suppose.

Even chuckles. – I’ll behave, don’t worry.

He thinks for a moment. Wonders what he wants to ask his mom, and how he’s going to do it.

– I haven't told Isak everything, he finally says. – About what happened with the boys back in high school. Or what I did.

His mom’s eyes look so loving and caring for a moment, that he fears that she’s about to squeeze him in a hug. But she just strokes his knee. –  Do you want to tell him?

Even doesn't have a good answer. A part of him wants to share everything with Isak, but another part is terrified of the thought. He tells her so.

She nods. – Well, it seems like you have to tell him some things, since you both know Sana.

– Yeah.

She strokes his hair and hugs him again. – Don’t let your fears hold you back, Even.

 _Don’t let your fears hold you back._ Even tries to let the words carry him the whole way home. Maybe he can manage this, he says to himself. Maybe.

When he walks into the flat, Sana is gone. Isak is tidying away all the books from the livingroom. Even pulls him up and kisses him, and Isak looks at him.

– Did Sana seem troubled to you? Isak asks.

– Not really?

Isak looks thoughtful. – Hm. On Friday she talked about stress and jealousy and asked me if I think she has anger issues, and today the told me about some racist guy at the university. I just… worry a little.

– Sounds bad, Even says, and makes a mental note to ask Sana how she is doing. He realizes that he’s been a shitty friend lately. – Good that she can talk to you, then, he adds.

– Yeah, maybe, Isak says, looking a little lost. – I just wish I had better things to say. Sana is always so supportive, it seems like she always knows what to say, and I wish I could do the same for her.

The care in his voice makes Even want to hug him so bad. He pulls Isak closer. – Maybe it would help her if you tell her what _you’d_ want to hear in the same situation?

– Maybe...

– You're a good friend, Isak, I’m sure you say just the right things to her all the time. Sometimes it’s enough to listen, too.

Isak smiles, and leans in for another kiss. – Hope you’re right.

Even thinks for a moment about mentioning the texts from Sonja, but decides it’s not necessary anymore. Isak knows that Sonja wasn't talking the truth, and Even… well he has learned that Isak is a good guy, who can keeps things to himself, and doesn't gossip about others.

Even puts away the bread and milk, and they dress up for the dinner. Nice, but not too nice. Jeans and some dark shirts. Isak looks so hot that Even ends up kissing him for far too long. He manages to forget all his fears about Isak learning the truth for quite some time.

They take the tram to Isak’s father’s apartment. Isak is a little quiet, but looks okay. Even squeezes Isak’s hand as they ring the doorbell, not sure if he’s comforting Isak or seeking comfort.

The man that opens the door almost takes Even’s breath away for a second, because he has Isak’s green eyes, and the same skinny body. Isak’s dad, Terje, has blonde hair at shoulder length and looks a little like an artist, or maybe a musician. Even is confused. Terje doesn't look like anything he anticipated at all. Isak’s mother, Marianne, is there already, too. She looks sort of artistic as well. Her hair is darker than Isak’s, but her lips remind him of Isak’s even if they’re not entirely the same. She looks very sweet.

He shakes their hands and smiles, and Isak gives them some pretty careful hugs. Even looks around.

It’s a loft apartment, but Even is surprised to see that it looks lived in, almost cozy. He always thought of Isak’s father as distant and reserved. How can a reserved guy live like this? The walls are covered with shelves filled with books and CD’s, and he has an upright base standing in a corner. Even can’t help that he likes the man for it.

Just then, a young woman with dark blond hair shows up, with a girl with brown skin and dark curls who looks like she’s about ten years old.

– Hi, I’m Lea, the woman says. – Isak’s big sister. Or the black sheep in this family…

– Lea! Marianne protests.

Lea laughs. – I’m only kidding. I just haven't done everything by the book. Anyway, this is Dina, my daughter.

Isak has told Even that Lea was flirty at school, so much that she was called a slut, and of course it didn't help that she got pregnant last year in high school. But after she got Dina, it was as if she had found a new strength.

Even smiles and greets them. – Nice to meet you both. I’m Even.

Isak hugs them hard and long, and he brushes Dina’s hair. – You’re getting so big, Dina. You grow too fast!

The girl just laughs, and whispers something to him about some science kit she has brought with her. Isak smiles and promises to look at it later.

– Didn't Lea in the Bible also have a daughter named Dina? Even asks.

Fuck. He probably shouldn't say that. Even can't help that he always looks for connections everywhere, and not only in movies. The Bible, too. When he found out that both Isak and Lea had biblical names, he had to look them up.

Marianne lights up, though. – That’s true! she says and smiles wide to him. It’s like he’s given her a present.

– It was a coincidence, Lea mutters. – I didn't know that.

Marianne just laughs. She doesn't seem sick at all right now. Medication must be working. Even senses that Isak is relaxing next to him.

Isak’s dad rinses his voice. – Well, let’s eat, shall we?

They sit down at the table, and Terje serves them halibut, potatoes, vegetables and butter. It’s simple, but it's the best fish Even ever has tasted.

– It’s the one thing I’m really good at making, Terje explains. – The trick is to not boil the fish, and use a timer.

Isak smiles to Even. – It’s like his one trick in the kitchen. Well, apart from his mean meatballs.

Even just nods. He’s too busy to eat the food, to say anything.

He thinks a lot, though. Isak’s family surprises him. He had suspected a more disconnected and cold family. Well, of course, he sees that they all are a bit careful with each other, and that they don’t express feelings loudly like his own family, but apart from that, everything seems… alright. How does this fit with the fact that Isak’s father once left his sick wife and troubled son?

When Marianne and Terje gets the dessert in the kitchen, and Lea helps Dina with something in the bathroom, Even turns to Isak and asks.

– Why is everyone so calm? Aren't you still mad at your dad? Worried about your mom?

Isak smiles, and it’s a sad smile. – This is how our family works, Even. We put a lid on everything. Pretend that everything’s fine. And it works, most of the time.

Isak sighs. – I have spent a lot of time being mad at Dad. But he was just scared, you know, and tired. He probably didn't know how badly mom reacted when he left. He thought that I would make it. It was first when I left, that he understood. And he tried to fix it. So now… we just pretend that things are okay, and it helps us through dinner.

Even nods. He can understand that. He’s not a big fan of confrontations himself. But it can't be healthy to bottle up everything, all the time.

He decides that he doesn't want it to be like that, with Isak and him. They are going to express things to each other. Talk to each other. He sighs when he realizes that he needs to tell Isak _everything_. Soon.

The dessert is ricecream with strawberry sauce, and the taste reminds Even of Christmas and 17. Mai at the same time. They all talk about nothing and everything, Dina shows Isak her science kit, Terje puts on some music, Lea tells them that she’s about to get a Ph. D, Even tells everyone a lighter version of how he and Isak met, and Isak seems happy. Soon it’s time to go, and Even is relieved. They made it.

On the tram back to their flat, Isak locks his hand in his and sighs. – Thank you for coming with me. It was nice.

He sounds surprised.q

Even kisses him softly and smiles. – Thank you for letting me.

They sit in silence for a moment. Then:

– Even. Who's this Mikael?

Even freezes. He should have expected it, but he still freezes. Isak's question is careful and guarded, and his face is blank, like he doesn't want to show that he cares.

– How come? Even asks, with his heart in his throat.

Isak shrugs. – I just talked to Sana, and the name came up. Or, I saw a picture. I recognized him from that movie he made about you.

Even raises his eyebrows. – Stalking much?

He knows he's deflecting. He needs to, so he can collect his thoughts.

Isak blushes a little. – I just googled your name, and it popped up. You weren't on Insta or Face, so...

Even smiles. – When did you do that?

Isak avoids his eyes. – A while ago.

– When?

– Does it matter? Isak sighs, and looks flustered. – Well it was the first day after I met you, actually. Happy?

Even grins. He sort of is.

Isak throws him a quick look. – You were some cute kids, he says. – Best buddies, eh?

Even nods, and lets out a breath. – Yes. We hung out together for a long time. I also had some other buddies that I have lost contact with.

– Just like I did, Isak whispers.

– Yeah, Even swallows. – You were so brave, picking up the contact again, Izz. I hope I can be just as brave some day.

Isak’s eyes are wide, and sincere. – You are brave. Every day.

– Not with things like this.

Isak doesn't say anything about that. – So. Were you just buddies, or something more, or...?

Even can't meet his eyes. – Mikael and I? We... we were buddies. Best buddies, from elementary school. We knew each other in and out. Almost like you and Jonas, I suppose.

He wants to tell Isak everything. He really does. But he doesn't dare to.

– So, what happened? Why aren't you talking anymore?

Even shrugs. – Something happened, and... I... want to tell you all about it, Isak, but I don't know if I'm ready yet.

He looks at Isak, and Isak’s green eyes are everything. Even allows himself to lose himself in those eyes for a moment. Forget everything else.

Isak looks like he thinks for a moment. – Okay. Can you tell me how Sana knows him, then?

Even struggles now. He really does. He knows he needs to tell Isak this. All of it. But how? He’s so scared, that Isak will be disappointed, and scared, and hurt, and that he will leave him.

He sighs. – I just need a little bit more time, he whispers. – I’ll tell you everything, Isak, I promise. I just need… time.

Isak doesn't look angry, or disappointed. Just thoughtful, and then understanding. Like he gets it. Even doesn't get it. How can he be this lucky? He sighs as Isak squeezes his hand. – It’s alright, Isak smiles. – I’ll wait.

 

##  **Isak: The Ballons**

It’s Wednesday, two days before the winter party. Isak is at his new job, in his tiny office space, looking at his and Sana`s ideas for classes. He knows it can work, so he feels good. Optimistic. He still loses focus from time to time, and thinks about other things, like Even, and his cute smile this morning, or the winter party and the prospect of meeting all his friends again.

Apparently he doesn't have to plan anything for that party, though, because Vilde, Sana and the other girls take care of everything. The only thing he needed to find, was some decorations and a Christmas tree, and Even had two boxes full of Christmas decorations, and they managed to drag home a tree together.  No problem.

Isak makes himself an instant coffee, hoping that the caffeine will help him focus. As he takes a sip, he realizes that he only has two things he worries about at the moment (especially now that his mother has a good period): 1) Even seems a little anxious about the party. And he has this thing he wants to tell Isak about, that he still hasn`t talked about. And 2) Sana still seems stressed out and angry, almost like she was back in high school. Back when she was treated so badly by Sara and her mob, and felt so lost, angry and lonely that she sort of used Isak to take revenge on Sara.

Isak knows he can't do much about his worries about Even. It won't work to push him, that`s for sure. Even would just feel like Isak was controlling him. No, Isak can be there for him, and be supportive, and that's about it. The weird part is that since he can't do much more than that, it's really not that difficult to put the worries away. Isak knows he only can wait, so that's what he's doing.

When it comes to Sana, he hopes he can do some more. If Sana feels just half as bad as she did back in high school, she needs the help. She can't carry all that anger and loneliness alone (been there, done that).

Isak recalls something his school doctor once told him, once he was fishing for sleeping pills, and something Eskild told him once he was down, and he decides to send Sana a text:

 

SANASOL

Isak: I thought about one thing. Talking helps, you know. So try some of that, yeah? To Yousef, or some of the girls, or me.

Sana: Okay?

Isak: You don’t have to carry everything on your own. K?

Sana: When did you become such an emo, Isak?

Isak: I’ll tell you a secret, Sanasol. I always have been.

Sana: Well, thank you. ❤️

 

Isak smiles wide, knowing that he did the right thing. Hopefully, Sana listens to him for once, and talks to someone. Maybe everything will be okay. Isak`s good mood continues during the workday, and when he walks home through the streets in Christmas lights, waiting to see Even again, it gets even better. He feels so good. When he comes home, he can't hide the smile on his face.

Even is making dinner, when Isak comes in, and gives him a soft kiss. That is, he almost can`t kiss, because he's smiling so wide. Even pulls back looks at Isak with curiosity in his eyes.

– Why are you in such a good mood, Isak? Is it that Christmas spirit again?

Isak laughs. – Maybe, he says and pulls Even closer. – I`m just feeling good, that`s all.

Even smiles, and kisses him slowly. Then he looks into Isak`s eyes, almost like he`s searching for something. Or like he`s about to say something. For a brief moment, Isak wonders if Even finally has gotten the courage he needs to tell Isak this secret he carries, but then Even just smiles, looks away, and stirs the food some more, and the moment is over.

They enjoy the dinner together, exchanging stories from work and arguing about what they are going to watch later, before they cuddle together in the sofa afterwards, and everything is good.

Even doesn't tell Isak anything more that night, though. Or the next day. But Isak is fine with it. He said he could wait, and he can. Well, of course he is curious, but he mostly wants Even to tell him his secret, or what it is, because it seems like it`s a load to carry alone, and that he needs to share it.

Thursday evening, when Isak and Even are chilling on the sofa, and Even is teasing Isak about his movie taste for the hundredth time, Even gets a call.

– Yo, Even says, still with laughter in his voice after he teased Isak. – How are you?

Isak doesn't hear the answer. He gets curious. Who is this?

– Good. I just… feel like I have only chatted about myself lately. You okay?

The other one talks again. Isak doesn't hear a word. Could it be Sana? But how does Even know her?

– Probably, Even says.

Even is silent for a long time. He looks pale, almost scared. Then he looks quickly at Isak and gets up from the sofa. – They do, eh?

Silence again. Then: – I don’t… know.

Just as Even leaves the living room, he says: – Yeah. It’s just so… difficult.

Then Isak can’t hear anymore.

He’s freaking out. Well, maybe not freaking out, but he's… nervous. Even looked distressed by the call. Scared, even. He talked about something difficult. And he looked at Isak like he didn't want him to hear. Who is i talking to and… What does this mean?

Isak`s mind tumbles with all kinds of scenarios, but nothing fits.

When Even finally comes back into the living room, he looks pale, and a little teary eyed.

Isak sits up, trying not to look so worried as he is. – Everything okay?

– Yeah, Even nods, – it’s just… some of my friends from high school might come tomorrow, to the party.

Isak frowns. – Okay… But… why?

Even looks away, almost like he's embarrassed. – Well, they kind of got invited.

Isak smiles. – What? Did you finally do it? Did you contact them?

– No, well, I sent them a greeting, sort of, and, well, they were invited.

The vague answer confuses Isak, but he lets it slide. It probably was Sana, he assumes. She knows Mikael, doesn't she? And Mikael went to school with Even?

– Uh, okay, he says, and pauses for a moment. – So, are you okay with that?

Even`s eyes are wide, they look at Isak as in wonder. – I don’t know. I think so. Or, I might be okay with it, at least.

Isak nods. Somehow, he guesses that this is some of the reason why Even has been so hesitant to say yes to coming to the party.

– Don't you wanna… ask me more? Even asks. – About my buddies and everything?

Isak shrugs. – I guess you`ll tell me more when you're ready, Evi.

Even eyes shines towards him, like they smile. Isak can't help it, he moves closer, and kisses his soft lips. Pulls him into a tight hug.

Even’s phone pings, and he looks at it. A little smile lures on his lips, as he types a quick reply.

– Who was that?

Even shrugs. – Just… mom. Our plans are cancelled. I can join the party.

– Oh, good! Isak says. He isn't so sure that mom part is 100 % true, but he doesn't care. Even has finally decided to attend to the party, and meet a lot of people, including some of his old friends. That`s a pretty big step.

Even breathes out and smiles wider. – Yes, it’s really good.

Isak leans to him again and kisses his lips tentatively. After a moment of light kissing Isak feels Even’s tongue slide across his lips. He opens his mouth and their tongues meet. The sensations from the kiss make Isak tingle all over, like always. Even reaches his hand back behind Isak’s head and pulls him deeper into the kiss.

They get interrupted when Vilde gives him a call. Isak surprises himself when he’s not irritated at all. Vilde used to irritate him, but now he’s sort of grown fond of her.

– Halla, Vilde says, – I just wanted to let you know that you don’t have to worry about the party plans.

– Okay?

– We are meeting at Sana’s tonight, to plan things and chat a little.

Isak hopes that this means that Sana is about to take his advice.

– Should I be there?

– No, it’s just girls night. Plus, I think Sana needs her girl squad. She’s been a little off lately.

Isak smiles. – Yeah, well it’s good she has you all. See you tomorrow, then?

– Yeah, we’ll come a little earlier than the others. See you then!

When Even asks what it was all about, Isak just laughs and hugs him, feeling happy and optimistic. This is going to be great. Even smiles too, it’s like Isak’s good mood rubs off on him.

Isak does his best to help Even forget his nerves about the party. They spend the evening together, checking out Even’s Christmas decorations. The whole point of the party is to do the decorations together, so they don’t put too much out. They end up watching a sappy Christmas movie, and Even leans into him through the whole movie, allowing him to play with his hair.

That night, Isak falls asleep, wrapped around Even, like a blanket, trying to hold him close, warm and safe.

When they wake up the next day, he recalls a dream where he was flying, but he has forgotten all the details. He hugs Even, yawns and realizes it’s finally Friday.

– Wake up, sleepy, he mumbles into Even’s neck. – It’s a busy day.

Even clings to him and protests, but he finally gives in and gets up. For once they somehow manage to get dressed and eat a quick breakfast, so that they get to work in time.

Time passes really quickly at work, and soon it's weekend and party time. Isak is ready for both. He goes home feeling jittery and excited, and there he finds a slightly nervous Even.

Isak and Even lock eyes then, and even though they both know they are a little busy, they’re not so busy that they don’t take the time to have a quicky first. It’s just what they need.

Some of the helpful girls turn up a couple of hours before the party, just as Isak has gotten out of the shower and put some clothes on. Isak picks a beer from the fridge as he lets Sana, Vilde and the others roam around. He’s still in a good mood. He`s helping the girls to find decorations and things they can use to make christmas cookies and decorations, and he can't stop smiling.

Isak is feeling so good, with the party, all his friends, the christmas spirit, and a good buzz from the beer. Somehow, he has even developed a greater tolerance for Vilde`s questions and Sana`s commands. He only misses Even, but he knows that Even is in the shower, cleaning himself up after their tumble in the bed, and getting ready for the party.

Sana stops him for a moment. – Everything okay? she asks.

He smiles. – Everything`s fine. I love this time of year. How about you?

Sana shrugs, and smiles, too. – I think I`m fine. It feels good to have this party, and see everybody together again.

– Yeah, Isak nods. He`d love to talk more, but he needs to find some more beer. – Well, I have to find the beer. Talk more later?

– Later, Sana smiles, and joins Vilde and Chris as they are decorating the hallway.

The time flies fast, and they are almost finished decorating, when Even comes up to him.

– Halla, baby, he says. – Everything good?

– Yeah, it`s all good.

Even cups Isak`s cheek with one of his hands, pulls him closer and kisses him. His lips taste of ginger bread and beer, and it’s weirdly intoxicating.

When Isak pulls apart from Even, he suddenly notices Sana in the other end of the hallway. She looks dazed, almost like she`s about to faint.

– One sec, he says to Even. – I`ll just check on Sana.

As he comes up to Sana, Vilde has already approached her.

– Sana? Vilde asks, and strokes her forehead. – Are you okay?

Sana blinks, and shakes her head. She looks pale, like she`s seen something frightening.– Yeah, I just… had a déjà vu, or something.

Isak goes up to her, and grins, to hide his worry. – So now you have those too? he jokes.

Sana just laughs, but she doesn't seem that amused. – Nothing special, she says.

– No glimpse of another universe, then? Isak asks, still trying to sound like he jokes.

Sana shrugs, but doesn't laugh, or smile, she doesn't even answer.

Shit. Isak gets worried for real. Something`s off.

Sana turns to go to the kitchen, and Isak lets her go. She probably needs some time; he can talk to her later. Right now, he needs to be with Even, and make sure that he's okay.

Isak goes for a round and finds Even in the livingroom. They hug and have a drink, and then… The party starts. It`s winter and christmas everywhere. The guests start showing up, and they are all chatting and laughing, making decorations and eating christmas snacks. They are all here; Isak and Even, of course, Jonas and Eva, Noora and William, Sana, Chris, Vilde and Ingrid. Linn and Eskild. Mahdi is here, just as Magnus and Laila. Sana`s friend Jamilla has brought another friend. Sana has told him that Jamilla`s husband (Sana`s oldest brother) is home watching their kids and Sana`s kids. But if both Sana and Yousef are supposed to be here, where is Yousef?

Then. Then _they_ show up. He sees Yousef with a guy with balloons (Sana’s brother, probably?), Julian (how do they know him?) and _Mikael_.

– How funny, Eva laughs next to him. – They brought balloons at a party back when we went to high school, too.

Isak wrinkles his eyebrows in confusion. Eva has partied with these guys earlier?

He notices that the guy with the balloons gives them to Vilde, who welcomes them. She beams and gives one to Ingrid. Suddenly half of the guests have balloons.

Sana hugs Yousef, and then she hugs that other guy, too.

Isak stares. _Mikael_. Here, at his winter party. Their party. Of course, these guys must be Even`s friends from high school. He probably should have been prepared for this, but he still stares at the new guys.

Isak knows he shouldn't worry. Even loves him, and they are supposed to be together. Regardless, Isak is a little anxious. Mikael is too fucking cute, with his dark eyes and white smile, and the way he looks at Even makes Isak feel a tightness in his chest. Why didn't Even tell him more about Mikael, or the others? Now Isak doesn't know shit, and it stresses him out.

Isak’s hand is around Even’s waist. He takes another sip of his beer and struggles to not tighten his grip around Even. He looks quickly at Even, who stares at the boys like he is frozen in his tracks. Isak knows Even is nervous. These are his friends from school, and Even hasn't talked with them in _ages_. Even doesn't need a clingy, anxious boyfriend right now. He needs someone who can support him. Isak takes a deep breath. He needs to chill. He has nothing to be worried or jealous about.

Sana stands over there, with her arms around Yousef and Elias, and now she brings the boys to Isak and Even.

– Hi, guys, she says, – about time you all say hello.

She smiles to Isak, and stares at him, like she’s trying to tell him to take it easy. – So, Isak, you know Yousef, right?

Yousef smiles, and shakes Isak’s hand. – Good to see you again.

Isak smiles. – Yeah, thanks for the dinner and everything.

– So, Sana says, – this is Isak, Even’s boyfriend, and Isak, this is Elias, my brother, Mikael, his friend, and Julian, Mikael’s boyfriend.

So, Mikael is friends with Sana’s brother. That’s why Sana knew him. Isak senses that Even stiffens a bit next to him. But then Elias smiles, Mikael and Julian smile, and Isak tries to smile back. They all shake hands. – Nice to meet you, Isak manages to say.

Sana takes a deep breath. – And Even –

– Yeah, Sana, I know them well, Even says, and smiles. – Except Julian, hi.

– Nice to meet you, Julian says, and shakes his hand.

Even then faces Elias.

– Halla, Even, Elias says, takes his hand and gives him a hug. – Good to see you, man.

Even hugs him tight. – You too!

Then Even looks at Mikael, and suddenly he looks shy. Careful. Mikael looks shy as well. But then he smiles.

– Fuck, when did you become so tall? Mikael asks, grinning, and hugs Even. Pats him on his back.

– Shut up, shorty, Even laughs, and ruffles his hair.

Isak swallows. It’s fine, he says to himself. Just fine. These guys are just a little bit more physical than he’s used to being.

Then, Even shares a long look with Yousef. – It’s so good to see you.

Yousef is teary eyed. He gives Even a good hug. – Yeah, it’s been a long time. But now we’ll keep in touch, yeah?

– Definitely, Even nods. – So… I’m glad you’re all here. Mutta and Adam couldn't come?

Elias smiles. – Not this time, but I thought we all could meet up someday and… maybe make a YouTube movie? Like we used to?

Even laughs. – You still do that? I would love that!

He breaths out, and Isak senses how he relaxes a bit next to him. Isak lets his hand rest at his waist, just to give him a little support. _I’m here. This is okay._

He looks at Sana. She looks relieved, almost like she’s about to faint. Isak gives her a little smile. They need to talk. Isak looks over at Even, who looks fine now, and is about to go down memory lane with Elias and the others.

Isak squeezes Even’s hand. – I thought I should take Sana with me to the kitchen, and check out that everything’s good with the christmas cookies.

Even looks at him, and suddenly his eyes glitter with humour. – You and Sana together? In the kitchen? That sounds like a disaster ready to happen?

Yousef laughs out loud, ignoring Sana’s angry stare.

– What? Isak protests. – I’m a master in the kitchen, what do you mean?

Of course Isak fakes being insulted; watching Even tease him and laugh makes his heart sing.

Sana smiles at Isak, and winks. – Baking cookies is a lot like chemistry, she claims. – Pure logic. We _are_ masters at this, guys.

Even just laughs. – Sounds good, he says, and kisses Isak. – Go make me proud. I’ll chat with the boys.

Isak smiles. – I will.

Even holds him back for a moment, suddenly serious. He leans closer and whispers into Isak`s ear: – Thank you.

– What? Isak whispers back.

Even`s breath is warm against his ear. – Just for being here. I`ll tell you everything later, Isak, I promise.

Isak nods. –  I know.

He gives Even a quick kiss on his cheek. Then he pulls Sana with him to the kitchen.

When they show up there, it seems like the cookies are finished, and they are the only ones there.

Isak sits down at the table, and Sana sits down next to him. He realizes that Sana stares at him, like she fears that he's angry or something.

He sighs. – How are you doing, Sana?

She looks surprised. – What do you mean?

– You have been stressed out lately, and now you had this déjà vu thing, and you looked like you saw a ghost. How are you doing, and... what`s going on?

Sana stares at him. – Really? Even`s old school buddies turn up, including Mikael, who you have been curious about since you glimpsed that photo of him, and you realize that I have known Even all along, and you just… worry about how I am doing?

Isak shrugs. – Well, yeah?

Sana laughs, and leans back. – I don't… I think I`m fine, Isak. I talked to my friends, like you said. And to Yousef. And I feel better. I didn't get any miracle solution, but it felt good. And I know that I always can talk to them. And to you. And it helps, at least a little.

Isak has a feeling he should tell Sana that he gets it, but Sana seems determined to brush it all away, and he decides that if he can wait for Even, he can wait for Sana, as well.

– Good, he says.

Sana swallows, suddenly looking a little nervous. – About that déjà vu...

– Yeah?

– Well, you both have had those, too, right? Like glimpses from another universe?

Isak hesitates. How much does she know? Has Even told her?

– Relax, Even didn’t tell me about the extent of your… moments. I just connected the dots.

Isak is seriously confused right now.

– You see, I have had several of them, too, Sana explains. – In this one, I saw a younger version of you in a fight with Elias and the other boys, for some reason.

– Fuck.

– Yeah. I think you are right about that theory of parallel universes, Isak.

Isak can hardly breathe. – Are you telling the truth now, Sana? You`re not fucking with me right now?

Sana gives him her no bullshit look. – It's the truth, Isak. And for some reason, these flashes or moments I have is always about either you or Even, or both. I don't know why.

– Strange.

– It really is.

Isak thinks for a moment. – Well, you are connected to both of us. And you have always been very… intuitive. Maybe it’s not so strange that you, too, have these sensations.

Sana shrugs. – Maybe.

– We think maybe the moments will fade away when we’re like happy and content in this life, he says.

– That might be. Or maybe when your life matches the other universe better?

–Yeah, maybe..

They sit for a moment in silence. Isak knows they don't have all the answers, and maybe that`s okay for now. They have a party to attend to. He still has one question that he needs to ask.

– So, I have to ask you about something, he says. – Did you tell Even that Mikael and the others would come tonight?

– Yeah, that was me. I had to tell him, so he could have a chance to back out, or prepare to go through with it all.

Isak nods. – I kind of guessed that.

He sighs, feeling a little hurt by the fact that Sana never told him about Even. Didn't she trust him? He thought they were closer friends than that.

– Why didn't you tell me that you knew Even? he finally asks.

Sana shrugs. – You would have asked me a thousand questions, Isak.

– So? Why is that bad?

Sana seems to think for a moment. – Even deserves to tell his history when he’s ready to tell it.

Isak swallows. He doesn't know Even`s full story, but he knows Even has a lot to carry, and he knows that Sana is right. – You’re a good person, Sana, he says.

– I don't know that.

– Well, I do, and you are.

In that moment, Magnus, Vilde and Ingrid barges in on them and ramble about decorating the cookies. That doesn't tempt Isak at all. Sana joins them, and winks to Isak, as he picks up a beer and sees if he can do something else. Like hang with Even, maybe.

He ends up chatting with Eskild and Linn for a while, and has to tell them Even and his story from beginning to end, and accept being enveloped in a tight Eskild-hug. It feels good. After that he paints tree ornaments with Eva and Noora. He finally finds Even on the sofa, talking to Elias and Mikael about movie editing. Isak sits down next to Even and listens to them talk, but doesn't interrupt. He just enjoys hearing Even talking so passionately with his buddies.

But then, somehow they all end up doing a some sort of complicated truth or dare, and Isak realizes where Even has all his dares and competitions from. Elias, Mikael, Yousef and Even are equally committed.

Luckily, before the questions and dares becomes too bad, Jonas grabs hold of Isak. Isak is glad to see him. – Halla, Jonas!

Jonas looks a little tipsy, but happy. – Come have a beer with me?

Isak smiles wide and follows him out in the hall. Jonas hands him a beer, and sits down by the wall in the hallway.

Isak sits down next to him. – What’s this about, bro?

Jonas smiles, and looks a little embarrassed. He takes a sip of his beer. – It’s just… It's been a while, and I haven't chatted with you all evening, how are you doing?

Isak breathes out, and takes a sip of his beer, too. – Fine. Even and I are good, and, well, we're learning to know each other.

– Good. Eva said that Even might have a rough night tonight, but he looks fine?

Isak is surprised. How does Eva know? He realizes that Sana must have spilled something about Even to the girls. He probably should be hurt, but he knows Sana desperately needed someone to talk to. He shrugs. – Even is fine. He`s catching up with some friends that he has kept at a distance forever, so you know, that`s a bit nerve wrecking.

– Sounds familiar.

– Yeah, Isak laughs. – Who knew that we had so much in common?

Jonas grins, and strokes a hand through his dark curls. – Well, everyone can see that you are all over each other, all the time. So… I'm not surprised that you have some things in common.

Isak just laughs.

Jonas is quiet for a moment. – You know, I was a little sceptical about Even in the beginning, he admits. – I didn't want him to hurt you again. And… well, I guess I was afraid he would take you away from me, too.

– What?

Isak stares at Jonas. This is so weird. He wonder how his younger self would have reacted to hearing this.

– Well, you are all over each other all the time, right, and I just got you back. I know it`s stupid, but it still made me… careful towards Even. I`m glad to see that Even is alright, though. And we`ll still have time for each other?

– Of course, Isak says, and puts his arm around Jonas. – What the hell, Jonas, I`ll always have time for you boys, and especially you. Alright?

– Alright.

And that`s it. The rest of the night goes in a blur of glitter, laughter, christmas decorations, dancing, beer and kissing Even shamelessly under the mistletoe. Isak is so happy, and feeling so good, that he doesn't want it to end. Well, the only upside to the party ending, is the fact that he gets Even to himself. So when the last guest leaves, he curls up on the sofa, next to Even, and ignores the mess surrounding them.

– We should tidy up a bit, Even says.

– Yeah.

– At least the beer cans and the glasses.

– I know. I just don't want to. I wanna stay here.

Even smiles, and kisses him softly. Isak looks closely at him. – So. That wasn't that bad, was it? Meeting your guys again?

Even laughs. – It`s almost an anticlimax, to be honest, he says. – I don't know why I worried so much about meeting the guys again.

Isak wraps his arms around him, hugging him closer. – I`m so glad everything was okay.

– Yeah. I was so certain they hated me, Even says, in a wondering voice.

Isak sits back and stares him in his eyes. – Of course they don`t hate you. Nobody can hate you, Even.

Even swallows, but then he smirks. – Oh dear, who are you and where have you hidden my grumpy boyfriend?

Isak sighs, but can`t hide a little smile. – I`m not that grumpy, Even.

– I know, Even laughs. – I know…

Isak cups Even with his hands, and makes sure Even meets his eyes.

– I will never hate you.

Even stares at him, suddenly serious and with wide eyes. – I will never hate you either.

Isak kisses him then. Tastes the beer and christmas cookies from his lips again.

Even pulls back. – You know, I still have something to tell you.

_Oh shit. Here we go._

– Yeah, I know.

Isak waits, as Even bites his lip.

– So, Even finally says, – you know most of the story by now, I guess.

Isak shakes his head. – I really don`t. I know that something shitty happened when you went to high school, and that you lost contact with your friends. That you have known Sana and her brother for a long time.

– Okay, I guess that`s not most of the story.

Even thinks for a moment. – As you know, Mikael was my best buddy from elementary school. I met Elias and Yousef, and Mutta and Adam when I started at Bakka. I hang with them a lot, and have been with Sana and her family a lot. In my second year at Bakka, something happened.

Isak just nods, and waits.

Even looks sad, and ashamed. – I didn't know it at the time, but I had a manic episode, I think. I was infatuated with Mikael, and confused by his hugs and touches, and I tried to kiss him. Mikael freaked out. Mostly because he was very traditionally religious back then, but also because, well, he wasn't in love with me, and he wasn't quite certain about his sexuality. He shouted at me.

Isak’s stomach clenches. How would he have taken it if Jonas had reacted like that when he told him about his crush? He can’t imagine it at all.

Even swallows hard. – You know how I look up things when I`m curious or I don't understand things? Like I looked up your name in the Bible, just like Lea`s and Dina`s?

– Yeah.

– Well, when Mikael screamed about how sinful and bad my kiss was, I was heartbroken and out of it, and I had to find out more about it. So I tried to read the Quran. And I did it thoroughly. Some of the verses I read, troubled me. I picked some of the quotes and wrote them on the wall in the facebook group of the revue. I told Sonja everything, and she was pissed at me for being reckless, and for cheating on her and making a fool of myself. Well, we didn't know I was bipolar, back then. And Mikael avoided me, of course. It seemed like everybody hated me. I scared a lot of people, and a lot of people got pissed off.

Even pauses for a long time. – After all of that, I crashed, and I crashed hard. I was heartbroken and miserable, feeling guilty about everything. On top of that I got depressed. I wanted to end it all. So… I tried to kill myself.

Isak stares at him, but somehow, he isn't surprised. Not really.

– I never dared to ask you if you had tried to do that before, he admits. – Maybe because I wasn't ready to hear your answer.

Even nods. – I never wanted you to be scared for me, so I didn't dare to tell you. And I was ashamed.

– I see that. But you have nothing to be ashamed of!

– I know what you think about quitters.

Isak raises his eyebrows. – I`m the biggest quitter of all, Even. I left town for years!

Even smiles a little then, and grabs his hand. They are silent for a moment. Somehow, Isak knows there is more. Then:

– It was messy, Even says, in a strained voice. – Booze and pills and vomit everywhere. Yousef found me. He got Elias to help him, and they brought me to the hospital. Saved me. Afterwards, I just wanted to run away.

– But you stayed. You didn't leave Bakka.

– That`s true. But I wasn't really present, Isak. I stayed away from the boys and from anyone that tried to contact me. I stayed, but I still managed to run away from it all. I fucked up everything.

Isak sighs. – Well, I have done worse. Lied, fought, fucked up things and broken up couples. You’re human, Even, give yourself a break. Anyway, you don’t run anymore, do you?

Even smiles a slow smile. – No, I don’t. I stay right here.

– Good.

Isak pulls Even into a tight hug. He pauses for a moment, realizing that Even finally has told him everything he`s ready to tell. It feels like an honour. – Thank you for telling me, Even.

Even buries his nose in his neck. – Thanks for listening, he mutters.

And that`s it. Isak feels warm and cozy, and has never felt so close to another person anytime before. They both forget the mess around them and cuddle and cling to each other there on the sofa, until they both fall asleep.

 

##  **Even: The Gift**

The time after the party is hectic. Isak and Even work a lot, and they both try to juggle Christmas preparations with meeting up with all their friends and family. The last Sunday before Christmas, Isak sighs: – Who knew being social was so fucking busy?

Even laughs at that. – Yeah, it`s hard work, you know. And you love it.

Isak smiles, and Even knows he really does. Isak always needs to have some time on his own every day, to reload his batteries, but Even knows he still loves hanging out with his loved ones.

And now it`s almost Christmas. Isak complaints that he doesn't know what to give Even, since Even always is so good with his surprises, but Even isn`t worried at all. At least Isak can plan stuff. Even has an idea for Isak`s present, but he's afraid he might not get to finish it in time.

It takes some time to figure out how they’re supposed to celebrate Christmas. They both want to celebrate with their families, but they want to be together as well.

In the end, Isak and Even end up celebrating Christmas Eve in their flat, with both their families together. It was Even’s idea to mark that they are a family that way. It is a little awkward at first, but then Terje and Even’s mom start working together finishing the dinner in the kitchen, and Even’s dad discusses programming with Lea, and Even chats with Marianne about religious art, and suddenly everything is okay. Even can see that Isak relaxes, as he`s chatting with Dina, and it’s so good to see.

They eat, and toast, and say Merry Christmas, and they all brag about the food, and it's all good. After the dessert, Dina pushes them all to go around the Christmas tree, and she doesn't let them go before they have sung at least two verses of three songs. Even laughs the whole time, amused by that little curly haired girl, who sort of reminds him of Isak when he's bossy.

Then it's time for coffee, cookies and presents, and Isak puts his organizing skills into use, fixing scissors to cut the strings and bags to toss the christmas paper in. – Put the tags in the presents, Isak says to Dina, – so you remember who you got it all from.

– I know, the girl says, with a serious look on her face, but stars in her eyes.

Even is impressed. He is used to more of a mad frenzy of Christmas presents, and ending up overstimulated and slightly irritable in the end. Maybe he will manage to both keep calm and remember what he gets from whom this year?

They have a cognac with the coffee (but not too much, since Dina still is up). Still, Isak manages to become a little tipsy. He cuddles into Even and sighs. – I didn't know what to get you, he admits.

– I know that, Even laughs. – You have said so a hundred times since the beginning of December. I am sure I`ll love it, whatever it is. Is it a tie? Or a deodorant? I could use that.

Isak scoffs. – Well, no.

He tumbles to the tree, and picks up a box from under it.

– Hey, you're messing up the order, uncle Isak! Dina says, with dark curls bouncing around her face. – It`s grandpa`s turn to get another present!

– That`s fine, Dina, Even`s dad says. – I can have the next, okay?

– Fine…

Everybody watches as Even takes Isak`s present, and gives him a kiss. – Feels like a heavy tie, he says.

Isak laughs a little, but he still looks nervous.

Even decides to get him out of his misery. He reads the note in silence. “To Even from Isak. Love you.”. Even swallows, leans forward and kisses Isak. Then he tears up the paper. When he sees what's inside, he chokes. – You didn`t?

Isak blushes. – Eh, you said your old camera was sort of outdated, so I thought I would find you a new one. This is supposed to be good to film with.

 _This is perfect._ But it`s too much. _How could Isak afford this?_

– It is. But its…

– Is it wrong? Isak interrupts. – You can change it, you know?

– Fuck, no! Even grins. – Never in a million years! Thank you, Isak, this is amazing. It`s just… too much!

Isak smiles then. – No, of course not, silly, he says, and kisses him.

– Oh my god, Even hears Isak’s sister in the background: – You two are just too cute.

Even blushes and leans back.

– Now Even must give Isak his present! Dina shouts.

– I thought it was grandpa`s turn? Even asks.

– Nope. Now it`s your turn.

Even thinks for a moment. Then he turns to Isak. – This is a little weird, he starts. – But I have kind of made you a movie.

– Yeah?

– It`s called “The Boy who couldn't hold his breath under water”.

– Huh?

– Yeah, I know, the title is horrible.

Even leans closer and whisper into Isak`s ear. – It`s from a déjà vu I had. The other Even told the other Isak he wanted to make a movie about him.

Isak leans back, and smiles. – Ah… Because of the pool.

Even smiles, surprised how relieved he feels. – Yeah. Things were different for us. But I still wanted to make you a movie.

– What are you whispering about? his mom asks. – Can we all watch that movie?

Even blushes. – It`s all about Isak and me, he says. – I think not, at least not now.

– It`s not… like intimate stuff, is it? Lea asks.

Even laughs. – No. No, but…

– Come on, says Terje, Isak`s dad. – We can watch it on the telly.  

– NO! Isak says. – I will watch this alone first. Or with Even, if he wants to. And afterwards you might get to see it. Maybe. Okay?

The others seem to accept that.

Isak looks at Even. – So, where do I find it? Have you posted it somewhere or something?

– No, it`s in your email, actually. I sent it this morning. You never check your mail, so I knew it was safe.

Isak laughs, as he finds his phone. – You wanna watch it with me?

Even hesitates. A part of him wants to let Isak watch the movie alone, because he`s embarrassed and nervous and afraid that Isak`ll hate it. But he can`t miss this.

– Yeah, he says. – Come on, let`s watch it on the telly in our room.

– Well, that's okay then, Even`s mom says. – Give Dina a present and let`s have a little break with the rest of them. I need a cigarette. I know, I know, I will quit them, but not before New Year.

Marianne jumps up. – I can join you, she says.

– Mamma? Lea asks, sounding offended.

– Oh, let me live a little, Marianne smiles.

Even chuckles as he drags Isak into their room.

– I hope it`s not too disappointing that I didn't buy you anything else, he mutters, as he puts on the telly.

Isak stares at him. – Seriously? You have made me a fucking film and you think you disappoint me? You have scored some serious boyfriend points now, Even.

– You haven't seen it yet.

Isak just shakes his head, smiling. He looks happy. _God, please don’t let him be disappointed_. Even sits down next to Isak on the bed and puts the movie on. So. Okay, now there’s no way back.

He`s almost too nervous to watch the film, but he's too nervous to watch Isak the whole time, too (what if he hates it?), so he stares at the intro, where he has filmed Sagene church, The bench at Hartvig Nissen, the Alley where they had their first kiss, the pool at Plaza hotel; all _their_ places. Then comes glimpses of Isak`s and Even`s life the last months, both being silly and serious. Most of it is Isak, Isak, Isak. All those times Even had managed to film him, whether he knew it or not. And of course the soundtrack is Gabrielle.

– Gabrielle, Isak, breathes next to him, – what about Weeknd? Thought that was our song?

Even grins. – If I had used High For This, we wouldn't have been able to show this video to our family.

Isak comes with a sound like a mix of a laugh and a groan, but has his eyes plastered to the screen.

Even hopes his love for Isak shines through. He has caught all these beautiful, funny and difficult moments with Isak, both in the flat and in other places, and he hopes that Isak can see the love.

Towards the end of the film, Even has filmed himself, looking into the camera, saying “Merry Christmas, Isak, I hope you like this video. Jeg elsker deg”, and as Isak comes to greet him, he has put on the sound from Pretty woman (a total rip off from that Even in that other universe, but nobody needs to know that): _So what happens after he climbs up and rescues her? She rescues him right back._

And it`s over.

Even looks over at Isak, nervous to see his reaction.

Isak stares at the screen and back at Even. His eyes are shiny, like he has tears in his eyes.

– Fy faen, he whispers. – Jeg elsker deg.

Isak`s eyes widen. He looks almost shocked by his own words, like he`s said more than he should. Even`s heart beats like a drum, he wants to kiss him so much. He kisses him, and loses himself in the softness of their lips. Then, he glances at the screen and startles.

– Look, it's 21:21.

Isak cocks his head. – You know, I was born at 21:21. At June 21th.

Even stares at him in wonder. – Is that true? Swear!

– I swear.

Even swallows, feeling in awe. – Now I have a boner.

Isak laughs. – Fuck off.

Even thinks for a moment. – I think your mother likes to look up things in the Bible, too, he says.

Isak still has laughter in his eyes. – Naaah, what gave her away?

– The birth of Isaac is Genesis 21 in the Bible.

– Oh.

Isak’s eyes are suddenly wide, staring at him.

– And you remember Romeo and Juliet kissing in the pool? That happened at 21:21.

Isak stares at him. Raises an eyebrow. – So. basically, 21 is my number? And also about Romeo and Juliet kissing?

Even grins. – Seems like it. Plus,  I read somewhere that 21:21 symbolises an awakening, or maybe crossroads.

Isak laughs. –  That's just superstition.

– Yeah, but it fits us, somehow. That moment we had at 21:21, in the pool, was sort of a crossroad.

Isak shrugs. – I`d rather hear the theory about parallel numbers and parallel universes...

They are interrupted by loud knocking on the door, and Dina bursts in. – Uncle Isak and Even, the presents! You can't hide in here!

Even laughs. – We're coming, Dina.

Isak whispers in his ear. – I guess that boner of yours will have to wait.

Even smiles and kisses him. – I will wait.

As they get up to go, and Dina runs off before them, Isak holds him back for a second.

– Even?

– Yeah?

Isak’s eyes are dark, shining emeralds. – I do love you, you know.

He blushes immediately, and Even feels like his heart is bursting. Isak says it like it's nothing special, but Even knows it`s everything.

– I mean, you know I struggle to let go and say things like this and be romantic and shit, but I really do.

Even swallows hard. – Fuck, I love you, too, Isak. And what you just said is the most romantic shit anyone ever has said to me.

They kiss again, until Dina calls on them again, and they have to let go for a moment, blushing, laughing and feeling ridiculously happy.

The others get to see the video on Isak`s phone, and all of them praise Even and say that Isak and Even are sickening in love. Even can't protest that.  


 

##  **Isak: The New Year**

Christmas is good. Isak and Even have a quiet day at Christmas Day, just the two of them, sitting in their PJ's for far too long, watching Christmas movies and eating candy from their stockings. On the second day, they eat with Even`s parents, and on the third day with Isak`s mother. Isak`s father is with a new girlfriend that day. It`s okay. The thought of his dad with someone new doesn't bother Isak at all any more. After that their obligations mostly are over, and they enjoy the holiday in peace.

At New Year’s eve, there`s a party, of course, and this time Eva and Jonas are hosts. – We want a calmer party for once, they say, – so that the kids can join us. So, Isak and Even decide to celebrate New Year with a good dinner and children's games.

As they get dressed, Isak remember the flash he had, of that other Isak and Even, tying their ties, and talking about what they wished for. It strikes him, that he hasn't had a déjà vu in several days now.  

– You know, I haven't had a déjà vu in a long time now, he says, and goes towards the bathroom.

Even is there, with wet hair and a white shirt on, struggling with his tie. – Me neither.

Isak smiles. He reaches up and tries to help Even knot it. He must admit, it's not as easy as it seems.

– You know how to tie a tie knot?

– Sure, Isak mumbles. – I`m the master…

Even smiles and reaches over to the sink to grab his beer. He takes a sip.

– You have to stand still baby, Isak says, but then he stiffens. – Shit, I really have experienced this before, he says. – In that déjà vu moment I had a while back.

– Yeah you mentioned something about New Years Eve. That was when you started to call me Evi.

– Yeah.

Even looks at him for a beat. – Do you miss those flashes?

Isak thinks about it, then he shakes his head. – I don`t miss it. Not really.

– Except the sex. That was hot.

Isak blushes by the memory. – And the kisses.

– Yeah.

– Well, Isak says, – we’ll make it hot ourselves.

Even’s eyes are narrow because of his smile. – We can do that.

They smile at each other for a moment.

Isak straightens the knot. – Done.

Even turns to the mirror and looks at his tie, smiles and kisses Isak. – Ready for partying, then, he says.

Isak takes a sip from his beer: – Fuck, you need to stop quoting your other self.

Even laughs. – I couldn't have known that! I didn't have that flash! But they were talking about wishes for the future, right? So, what are your wishes for the new year?

Isak shrugs. He wants to witty like this younger version of him, but he doesn't know how to. Not now. – What do _you_ wish for?

– That you learn how to tie a tie.

Isak laughs, because it's funny, even if Even still says the same as his other self. –  Haha fuck you, he says.

Even smiles and kisses Isak: – Just kidding. I don’t wish for shit. Just that everything is just as it is now.

Isak smiles and kisses Even. That was the words he was waiting for. – Me too, he says.

Even fixes Isak’s bangs. – Well, Happy New Year, baby.

– Happy New Year, Evi.

And then they're off. The children`s New Year party is not so bad, at all. Eva and Jonas are the perfect hosts. Sana and Yousef and the kids are there too, as well as Noora and Elias. Chris, Vilde and Ingrid have chosen a grown up party instead, just as Magnus, Mahdi, Eskild and some of the others. Isak can't blame them. If he was more of a party-goer, or single, he would have done the same. Luckily, he`s not, and he`s happy about that.

It`s good to see how his boyfriend and his friends go so well together. Noora, Sana, Elias and Jonas have a deep discussion about politics in one moment, then Yousef, Even and Even go on about romantic stories in movies and shows, Eva and Yousef bond while they talk about their kids, and Isak just enjoys it all.

In the middle of it all, Isak gets an opportunity to talk to Sana, as they help out putting away the dishes. Maybe it's the beer talking, or the christmas spirit again, but he tells her that he admires her strength.

– I know it`s not easy, with all the shit you meet every day, he admits. – And you shouldn't have to. You try to do good things all the time, and you’re still met with hate.

– I know that, Sana nods.

– Well, I`m just afraid you think that I don't get that, since I quoted you on that hate being fear and everything.

– It`s mostly true, though. The hate is often based in fear, and that makes it easier to understand.

– I guess. And that`s what I`m so impressed by, Sana. I still remember that Eid party you held back in high school, where you invited everybody, even Sara. That was strong.

Sana looks serious now. – I needed to do that.

– Well, it showed that you're strong, and you don`t give up your belief in Allah, or the good in people.

Sana laughs. – Oh, never is a big word. But thank you, anyway, Isak.

– You`re never alone, you know, Isak says, and he draws some inspiration from the work he and Sana have been doing, about the Butterfly Effect. – Each and every one of us is a part of the big chaos, you know. And what you do today, has an effect tomorrow. It can be hard to say, exactly what kind of effect. But it's there.

– So you`re basically trying to say that we should try to spread love, and not fear?

Isak grins. – That sounds right, yeah. When we can.

– It doesn't sound easy, does it?

Isak grins, and hugs her. – Nothing is easy, Sanasol.  

The best part of the children`s New Year party, is the fact that they aren't hammered when the clock strikes 12. Isak gets to kiss his Even under the fireworks, and afterwards, they can go home. Still being able to function. It`s perfect.

In the taxi on their way home, Even whispers to him: – It’s been a while, Isak, and I want you so badly…

With each word, Even's voice drops, and he draws closer and closer to Isak's mouth. His warm breath gives Isak a shiver down his spine, but he still protests. – A while? The day before yesterday? Seriously?

– Well, we were cut off yesterday, Even pouts, – when Yousef phoned. And when I was back, you were asleep.

Isak smirks. – Well we’ll have to make up for that then, he whispers, his hands moving up to slide and work through all that fluffy hair. Then he tugs it gently to tilt Even's head up so he can look into his eyes. The touch to his hair makes Even squirm a bit in his arms, and it feels incredible to have him warm, shivering and pressed so close.

He wants to kiss Even, but he doesn't know if he dares to in this taxi. But then he has no choice. Isak can barely breathe when he feels Even’s soft lips firmly against his own. This kiss is slow and tender from beginning to end. Even coaxes a response from him, gentle and loving. He licks at his lips, begging entrance, and then he spends a ridiculous amount of time lapping at the inside of Isak's mouth, stroking his tongue, his teeth, the roof of his mouth. Soft whimpers escape from both men as they hold each other.

After a short while, their taxi ride is over, and they pay up and tumble up the stairs to their apartment, giggling and groping each other.

As soon as they are inside, Isak grabs Even`s hand and drags him into their room. Even follows compliantly, eyes trained on Isak and face flushed while Isak turns him around and pushes him onto his bed. Even falls back and stares up at Isak while Isak takes in every inch of his fine man. With hooded eyes and a slow smile, Even props himself up on his elbows and waits. Isak begins unbuckling his belt and in one swoop he pulls them down until his boxer-briefs are left. Even tears off his shirt.

Isak slides over him, breathing over the smooth dips and ridges of his body, meandering with his tongue out and tasting the skin below him as he makes his way up to his neck. He tastes right, warm and so damn good, just as always. Isak kisses Even`s neck, feeding off the shiver that ripples through Even`s body.

Isak  moves slowly down Even`s chest and over his belly and dipping his tongue in Even`s belly button before moving towards the top of his boxer-briefs. Isak looks up at Even. Even`s bright eyes are dark with lust and love. Isak has to admit it, he loves the man before him with every fibre of his being.

Isak grabs the top of Even`s boxer-briefs and slowly pulls them down. Inch by inch his cock is exposed until the briefs are around his knees and Even`s cock pulses in front of him. Isak bends over and flicks his tongue over the tip and tastes the sweet and tangy bead. Even`s groan was all the urging he needed.

Isak licks the sensitive slit of Even`s cock and he cries out. His deep voice is all Isak wants to hear, it is like crack to his ears, he wants to hear Even moan even more.

So Isak wraps his mouth around Even`s cock head. He works his tongue over and under the soft spongy head and Even moves under him.

– Oh shit, oh fuck yes, suck me baby, Even curses while Isak sucks his cock. Isak wants to make Even feel so good. At the same time he is impatient. He wants to fuck Even. Like, right now.

He pulls off and meets Even`s gaze. Even grabs the back of Isak`s neck, pulling him up his beautiful body before he kisses him deeply once more. He then unbuckles Isak`s pants and pulls down both his pants and underwear.

Isak leans back. In Even`s eyes, Isak sees a need that he can`t define. Maybe he shouldn't be so selfish, maybe he shouldn`t assume for once. Maybe he should ask.

– What do you want tonight, baby? Isak asks.

Even moans. – I'll show you what I want, he whispers and moves under him. Even turns around and raises his butt at him.

– You want me to eat you out, babe?

– I want you to fuck me like this.

– Yeah? Isak asks, out of breath.

Even has a blush on his cheeks. – Yeah. I love to face you, but I think that I sometimes also just love getting it like this.

Isak has no problem obliging him. Even is so beautiful, kneeling there on all fours. His back is creamy white, and Isak wants to lick, kiss and bite into his neck. For now, he strokes his hands over Even’s back instead.

Isak grabs the lube from his bedside table and applies a healthy portion on his fingers. Even bends his knees, arches his back and opens his most private self up to Isak.

– I want to make you feel so good, Isak mutters. – I'm going to fuck you so right and so hard you're going to beg me for more, he says, his husky voice laden with lust while he inserts a lubed up finger into Even`s ass. Even breathes slowly, and his puckered hole gives way to his finger with little fight. After a little while both Isak’s fingers are moving easily inside him. When Isak nudges Even`s prostate, he whimpers. – Please, Even moans. – I need you inside me.

Isak isn't hard to convince. He wants Even and he isn't going to waste anymore time. He carefully moves his fingers out of Even and moves to position his head at his entrance. It feels different from this angle, but good, Isak steadies himself by grabbing on to Even`s hips. His knees and thighs are flush with Even`s. That feels nice.

– You`re so beautiful, Evi, he says, before he pushes against the entrance and slowly forces his cock head inside. Once it moves past the ring they both let out an audible sigh and moan.

Isak is in awe. This definitely feels a little different, but not in a bad way. Isak loves that they still find new ways to have fun. He knows that doggie style isn't exactly revolutionary, but they just haven't done it before. It`s new to them.

Isak begins pushing slowly inside of Even; while his cock sinks deeper into him, he says: – Oh God… you feel so good, Even.

– Isak, god, yes... Fuck, thank you, this is… this is good.

Isak begins moving, and sinking deep into Even is the most beautiful feeling ever. The sensation is like electricity and need courses through his veins like liquid fire. It takes everything for him not to claw at Even and go completely insane. Every thrust and movement is perfect. Even is moving under him, arching his back and flushing all over. Even then moves again, grabbing the headboard and leaning to it, so he is in a more upward position, changing Isak`s angle a little. That`s when Isak hits his prostate, and Even whimpers. – Yes, yes, yes…

Intensity increasing with each penetration, Isak grips Even's hips as he fucks him. Isak thrusts deep into him, each movement faster, stronger and deeper. They both grunt and move as one. Then, as Isak is leaning lightly on top of Even, balancing himself on one arm, he reaches around and grips Even's cock firmly.

His penetration slows to barely moving, enough to keep him at total arousal as he rubs the swollen cock. Even is moaning loudly, almost whimpering. It takes only moments before he comes all over the white sheets. His orgasmic moaning and spasms are enough to send Isak's cock into spasms inside him.

Isak hugs his arms around Even's waist, holding him firmly. Eventually, they slump onto the bed, finished, content.

They lie for a moment, breathing loudly and saying nothing. Then Even mutters from under him: – That was nice.

– Yeah.

Even turns around, and meets his gaze. – Doesn't mean I want it on my knees every time.

– Of course not. But you say it was okay?

– Definitely.

They laugh.

– I have enjoyed Christmas with you, Even says, and pulls him into his arms. – You`re like my Christmas elf, or something. Making everything glittery and fun.

Isak rolls his eyes. – Glittery, eh? I just love traditions.

– I know. It`s mostly Christian traditions this time of year, yeah?

Isak finds the duvet at the end of the bed, and covers them both. Cuddles into Even. – Well, yeah, I asked Sana about that, actually. Apparently there’s something called Lailat al Miraj later in January, but they doesn't exactly celebrate that.

– Good to know, Even smiles, and strokes Isak’s back. – You take your knowledge about traditions seriously, Isak. I like that.

Isak nods, feeling a little pleased with himself. But then he sighs. – Well, Christmas is over soon.

– Yeah?

– Yup. It`s over when it's the 6th January. By the way, Sana told me that Chris has invited us to her birthday party this weekend, she has her birthday on the 6th.

– Nice. So, do you have any special traditions that day? Even asks, pulling him closer.

– Well it’s the thirteenth day of christmas, Isak smiles.

– Yeah, and what’s that about?

– You know, end of Christmas. Epiphany, I think they say in English.

– Right… Twelfth night, Even nods, probably referring to a movie or something. Isak doesn't ask.

– Well, the tradition is to drink up the Christmas beer and put away all the decorations.

– Fitting with a party, then, Even smiles.

– Yeah.

Isak smiles. They will meet their friends again, and eat, talk, laugh and enjoy the time together. It will be good.

– So, what happens after that, then? Even asks.

– I dunno. We work for a while. And then… it`s Easter. Maybe we travel somewhere?

– Yeah?

– Yeah, I wanna see places with you.

Even smiles into his neck, – I'm not that good at planning.

– Well, I can look for some tickets, if you want to?

– Yeah, that sounds perfect.

They grin at each other.

– So, after Easter, then, Even says. – What happens then?

– Well, it`s spring? Isak says, and looks closer at him. – What`s this about?

Even smiles slowly. – Uhm, you noticed that I have a kink for you talking about us. And about the future. So I guess I`m just exploring my kink, here.

Isak laughs out. – That`s it, huh? Well, I like it, too. So, what do you think we are doing, say… eight years from now?

– I think… Even says, – that we’re still living here, and we have adopted a kid, maybe.

– Wow… A kid? I’d like that. Maybe? I think I’m still working at Nissen, because I actually love that. But you are starting to earn money on directing movies.

– You think so?

– Yeah, I do. And I think we’re still a little messy, still busy and still grossly in love.

Even smiles at him. – We have come so far, he says. – You know, we started out talking too little, worrying about our pasts and futures and misunderstanding each other all the time.

Even sighs, blushing a little. – And you'll probably think I am artsy and pretentious now, but since then we have learned to live in the now, to talk about the past, and look forward to the future. It's pretty amazing.

– Fuck, you're right, Isak grins. – You _are_ artsy and pretentious. And you know, _I_ have a boner now.

They laugh, and they kiss, and they cling together, and things are starting to heat up between them again. Isak stares into Even’s eyes, feeling so much love that it almost hurts. He knows that he and Even have a life of experiences behind them, a moment of “now” they can enjoy, and a new year ahead of them, and it's all fucking beautiful.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fuck, that was it. Hope you liked it! 
> 
> Please comment if you do, or if you don`t!
> 
> I have a weird idea for another multichapter fic, but it will take some time to plan. I might write that Sana one shot first. Until then - see ya!

**Author's Note:**

> Next chapter will come in about a week! And I promise, it will continue where it stopped, lol.


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